Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Brother in Law behaving inappropriately - please help!

101 replies

Emsy999 · 06/09/2023 23:59

Hi everyone,

I'm in a right dilemma and I don't know what to do for the best...

My elder sister has been married to my brother in law for over 20 years now and we've always had a great relationship. I've known that they haven't been happy in the marriage for a long time and (on my sister's part anyway) have only really stayed together for the sake of the children. (15 & 18 now).

I separated from my husband in March this year after 20 years together (13 married).

Not long after I separated I started getting inappropriate messages from my brother in law. He has various health issues and is in constant pain and admitted to me that he's felt so depressed that he's been thinking of suicide. He told me that he felt at ease talking to me as he has feelings for me and he can't help it. He says he gets little compassion from my sister and his children and he needs someone to talk to. I was shocked at first but was an ear to listen to. He would tell me how unhappy he was sexually in the marriage and would say how if I sent him pictures of me (sexy) that it would stop him going over the edge and he'd have something to look forward to. He would say that he wishes we could have some time together and how thinking of me kept him going.

Now, as you can imagine I was shocked. Not only is he my brother in law but I am SO SO close to my sister, we are best friends. I felt so bad when he'd message me and ask advise because I felt like I was betraying my sister. He asked me not to tell anyone about what we'd been talking about and asked me to delete all the messages.

I've told him on numerous occasions that nothing will ever happen between us and that he needs professional help to help him with his suicidal thoughts. I've told him that he has to talk to my sister about how he is feeling also.

Fast forward a couple of months and he's finally stopped messaging me (as I haven't responded to him). It's so awkward when I go and see my sister that I'm making excuses and asking her to meet me away from the house so he's not there.

I don't know what to do for the best. They are so unhappy in their marriage but will probably stay together. If I was to tell my sister about this I'm sure it will make her end things and I'd feel so responsible. But how can I let her live with someone like that for the rest of her life? If he's doing this to me (the closest person she has) then who knows if he's doing it to anyone else.

Have I left it too late? I'm so scared that if I do tell her now, that she'll be so hurt that I haven't told her sooner and it'll really affect our relationship. Or is it that his head is all over the place (to the point of having suicidal thoughts) and that once he gets professional help it might make him realise that what he's done is so wrong and he'll really work on his marriage.

I really don't know what to do :(
Please help!

OP posts:
AgentJohnson · 08/09/2023 07:15

You’ve known a version of him since you were ten years old, the manipulative sexual predator version has now come into the daylight (it was always there). I think your dilemma is that you don’t want to let go of the person you thought he was but the end of the day, is that more important than your sister?

If you had sent him even the remotest suggestive message or pic he would have spun it and he’d have blackmailed you into increasing degrading sexual acts for his gratification. I’ve got chills thinking about what Mr “would anything for anyone” has been up to behind close doors, your poor sister.

Tell your sister. The truth won’t hurt her, the lies probably have and what I mean by lies, is the stuff she’s kept quiet about to protect her kids and family from the real person behind the “would anything for anyone” persona he’s carefully cultivated over the years.

This man isn’t who you thought he was, he’s very dangerous and your sister needs to be as far away from him as possible.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 08/09/2023 07:50

I strongly suspect op will lose her sister

as once the sister clocks on how long the messages have been going on for she will rightly realise that her own sister has been engaging in this for many months

as Imelda03 said op is no innocent victim here

she kept the conversation going as she’s human and liked the ego boost and validation and excitement

so given blood is stronger than water I’d say block the creep , keep your mouth shut and wait till he finds another woman

Sorry I think your a crappy sister

Thisisworsethananticpated · 08/09/2023 08:04

Ok op you’ve known him since you were ten
so maybe I was a bit (very ) harsh calling you a crappy sister
as I can see that there are familial links

but I still think the messenger will be shot

she knows he’s a cunt
and all that will happen if you tell her is every time she sees you she’ll feel shit and humiliated and won’t want to see you …..

Loubelle70 · 08/09/2023 08:15

HowDoesThisWorkPlease · 07/09/2023 22:14

This

Show quote history

^this too

Could it be OP liked the attention? Not slating her just asking.
I would have said straight away, talk to your wife if your down. I would feel id betrayed sister if it was prolonged contact in this way without her knowing. Or at least alerted sis that her husband messaged me and he's really depressed (obviously wasnt but you know). I was very close to my ex bro in law but id never have over text him about his relationship or anything unless was family related. You just go through your sis anyway.
My sister's present fella(well been together 20 yr) i haven't even got his number lol.

Zanatdy · 08/09/2023 08:18

Tell her now. Apologise for not telling her sooner but explain you didn’t know what to do. This will come out sooner or later and she will be a lot more hurt if you didn’t tell her

Crikeyalmighty · 08/09/2023 08:25

I think you need to tell her, she may actually be waiting on something like this to give her the push needed - however I think you were very wrong not to have stopped it immediately- and clearly you didn't so liked the buzz at a time you felt down

Isthisit22 · 08/09/2023 08:45

You should have told her immediately. It’s likely that she will be very angry and upset with you now, due to lying by omission all this time. Think how you would feel?
You should still tell her though as likely he’s messaging lots of other women, too.
This sleazy, vile behaviour is probably why they have a poor relationship and she probably already knows or suspects what he gets up to.

Nowthenhere · 08/09/2023 08:45

He's chosen you for a reason. Your position in your sister's life makes you a target. I wonder if he plans to remove all the relationships your sister has through playing one off against another so your sister is alone.
He then tells her he is the only person she can trust.
Maybe he leaves her high and dry financially or has a different hold on her such as turning the children against her.
I probably wouldn't confront him or disclose to her as she is not in situation to see both sides. I would go to your ex husband who has no loyalty with you but does for your children and present him with the messages etc. (If your ex has moved on, present to him and his new partner).
I think it needs to be a man that challenges him.

FarEast · 08/09/2023 09:14

Tell your sister what you’ve told us in your 1st post @Emsy999

It might just give her the push she needs to separate from this awful man. Any man who sees his wife’s sister as a potential sexual partner is either deeply disturbed or depraved or both.

But not someone you’d want your sister to stay married to. If he was messaging you in this way, it’s likely you weren’t the only one.

However, you need to have a stern talk with yourself about becoming his confidante. That was inappropriate - he should have talked to his wife or a therapist. You should have shut it down at the very beginning. Please remember this for next time.

Justleaveitblankthen · 08/09/2023 09:21

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
Emsy999 · 08/09/2023 10:27

Thanks everyone!

For those saying that I enjoyed the attention... you couldn't be further from the truth. My heart would race every time I got a message from him (and not in a good way)!

I told him straight away that nothing was going to happen and ever would because I am gay (the reason my marriage ended) so to suggest I liked the attention from my sister's husband is completely wrong.

I told him straight away that he needs to speak to my sister (and a professional).

OP posts:
Original poster
Emsy999 · 08/09/2023 10:32

Sorry that should have said...

I told him "nothing was going to happen between us ever because you are my sister's husband, I am not attracted to you AND I am gay". All of which I said VERY early in the conversation

OP posts:
Crikeyalmighty · 08/09/2023 10:33

@Emsy999 I do apologise, out of interest why didn't you block him the minute it became clear he had a thing about you- ? I do think you should say something though - often women won't ditch someone unless there is a definitive reason. She might be funny with you initially through embarrassment but further down the line I'm sure it will all be ok

Tiredchicken · 08/09/2023 10:40

If I was your sister I’d want to know…
Yes you should have told her earlier but you can’t change that now.

the important thing is what you do now:
tell her! She needs to know.
and better that she finds out from you now than from someone else further down the line!

Needanewnamebeingwatched · 08/09/2023 10:47

If he has know you since you were 10, what's the age difference between you both

user1492757084 · 08/09/2023 11:07

Terrible. The only thing you should have done was to tell your sister straight away and to give him the phone number of a local (to him) mental health team.

Original poster
Emsy999 · 08/09/2023 12:50

@Crikeyalmighty
At first (before the requests) I really thought he needed someone to talk to. He has no family on his side and sees my sister's side as his own (as we did him).

OP posts:
Original poster
Emsy999 · 08/09/2023 12:51

@Needanewnamebeingwatched he's older than me by 14 years

OP posts:
ChaToilLeam · 08/09/2023 13:02

He’s a sleaze. Messaging his wife’s sister, whom he has known since she was a young girl? It just gets worse.

Whatever happens as a result of this is on HIM, not you.

cactidream · 08/09/2023 13:18

OMG, If I were your sister, I would be so upset that you hadn't told me earlier!
Do not wait any longer!

Thatsmorethanhalf · 08/09/2023 13:25

Forward message to your sister

wtfwolf · 08/09/2023 13:56

He's not your sister's rock if he's trying to extort sexual pictures of you!!!! He's targeted you when you were at your most vulnerable, you lost your brother had a marriage break up. Abusive men also use suicide threats as a way of control and I bet he knew you wouldn't tell your sister because of what the two of you are going through and you wouldn't want to hurt her. Stop playing by his rules tell her

Crikeyalmighty · 08/09/2023 19:00

@Emsy999 ah I understand- I'm the kind of person people would do this to as well. I do have sympathy as 34 years ago and still married to my ex husband, his best mate(divorced) kept popping round when he knew full well my H was on a shift. He then tried it on totally out the blue and kept hovering around outside my workplace and buying me things despite me telling him to stop. I never told my H - even when we divorced 30 years ago and still never have - and yep they are still friends.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 08/09/2023 19:52

She will definitely ask you why you didn't tell her sooner. You can explain as you believed the suicide thing at the time but now you can see it's ridiculous.

Did you delete the messages??

Original poster
Emsy999 · 09/09/2023 09:07

@Unexpectedlysinglemum

I've kept every single message he's sent me so I can show my sister if she wants. I'm sure if I was to tell her she'd want to see them herself

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread