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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Brother in Law behaving inappropriately - please help!

101 replies

Emsy999 · 06/09/2023 23:59

Hi everyone,

I'm in a right dilemma and I don't know what to do for the best...

My elder sister has been married to my brother in law for over 20 years now and we've always had a great relationship. I've known that they haven't been happy in the marriage for a long time and (on my sister's part anyway) have only really stayed together for the sake of the children. (15 & 18 now).

I separated from my husband in March this year after 20 years together (13 married).

Not long after I separated I started getting inappropriate messages from my brother in law. He has various health issues and is in constant pain and admitted to me that he's felt so depressed that he's been thinking of suicide. He told me that he felt at ease talking to me as he has feelings for me and he can't help it. He says he gets little compassion from my sister and his children and he needs someone to talk to. I was shocked at first but was an ear to listen to. He would tell me how unhappy he was sexually in the marriage and would say how if I sent him pictures of me (sexy) that it would stop him going over the edge and he'd have something to look forward to. He would say that he wishes we could have some time together and how thinking of me kept him going.

Now, as you can imagine I was shocked. Not only is he my brother in law but I am SO SO close to my sister, we are best friends. I felt so bad when he'd message me and ask advise because I felt like I was betraying my sister. He asked me not to tell anyone about what we'd been talking about and asked me to delete all the messages.

I've told him on numerous occasions that nothing will ever happen between us and that he needs professional help to help him with his suicidal thoughts. I've told him that he has to talk to my sister about how he is feeling also.

Fast forward a couple of months and he's finally stopped messaging me (as I haven't responded to him). It's so awkward when I go and see my sister that I'm making excuses and asking her to meet me away from the house so he's not there.

I don't know what to do for the best. They are so unhappy in their marriage but will probably stay together. If I was to tell my sister about this I'm sure it will make her end things and I'd feel so responsible. But how can I let her live with someone like that for the rest of her life? If he's doing this to me (the closest person she has) then who knows if he's doing it to anyone else.

Have I left it too late? I'm so scared that if I do tell her now, that she'll be so hurt that I haven't told her sooner and it'll really affect our relationship. Or is it that his head is all over the place (to the point of having suicidal thoughts) and that once he gets professional help it might make him realise that what he's done is so wrong and he'll really work on his marriage.

I really don't know what to do :(
Please help!

OP posts:
Tinklyheadtilt · 07/09/2023 10:17

You have to tell her.

Codlingmoths · 07/09/2023 10:19

He’s there for everyone is he? Not his actual wife or she might like him more. He deliberately targeted you as the person closest to his wife because that makes him feel good.

Italiangreyhound · 07/09/2023 10:25

This is an awful situation. you are not to blame at all, he is at fault. You need to tell your sister.

Good luck. Your sister needs to know.

rainbowstardrops · 07/09/2023 10:25

You need to tell your sister. She deserves to know.

sezzer87 · 07/09/2023 10:37

He sounds very sick and twisted. I would tell your sister everything. He could be manipulating underage people for all you know. He certainly fits the psychological profile of someone with a degraded sexual appetite!

Anxioys · 07/09/2023 10:49

Codlingmoths · 07/09/2023 10:19

He’s there for everyone is he? Not his actual wife or she might like him more. He deliberately targeted you as the person closest to his wife because that makes him feel good.

Yes and it divides them. Good for his ego. What a shit

Figmentof · 07/09/2023 10:55

I would and did tell my sister immediately when my BIL behaved inappropriately towards me. In my case they were staying for Christmas and he started stroking my leg under the table. Well I say immediately, I told her a few days later. I can’t believe you have kept up this dialogue with him

Lowtower · 07/09/2023 11:06

If you are so so close to her, You would have told her the first time you received messages.

BMW6 · 07/09/2023 11:07

Of course you must tell your sister and show her the messages this creep was sending.

But don't be surprised if she is really angry with you for not telling her immediately and for not telling him to Fuck Off !!!

LookItsMeAgain · 07/09/2023 11:10

This is a very telling point in your opening post @Emsy999 :
"If I was to tell my sister about this I'm sure it will make her end things and I'd feel so responsible."

You would not be responsible if they were to end things. You might be the catalyst that your sister desperately needs. She probably feels stuck and can't move out or whatever but if you were to talk to her, she might get the impetus to take the next steps to engage legal advice on what she can do.

You should not feel responsible either. This is between your sister and her sleezy husband. It is his actions/inaction that has happened between them.

Please talk to your sister and if you still have his messages, show them to her.

NeunundneunzigHorseBallonz · 07/09/2023 11:12

@Emsy999 I can tell you with all honesty that I would want to know all of this if I were her.

gloriawasright · 07/09/2023 11:27

sezzer87 · 07/09/2023 10:37

He sounds very sick and twisted. I would tell your sister everything. He could be manipulating underage people for all you know. He certainly fits the psychological profile of someone with a degraded sexual appetite!

That's quite a stretch .no doubt he is a sleaze.
But there isn't anything to suggest he is grooming under age children.

Original poster
Emsy999 · 07/09/2023 13:38

Thanks again everyone for your comments and views.

I appreciate my sister should know but it's such an awful feeling to know that I will be the one to end everything... their marriage, possibly the children's (15 & 18) relationship with their Dad. I mean can you imagine finding out that your Dad has been asking these things of your Aunty? It's an horrendous feeling.

Yes, I know HE should have thought about that before he did it but he's done it and it's all on me now to decide what's best and how to do it.

Thanks again

OP posts:
Mumsmet · 07/09/2023 13:52

Emsy999 · 07/09/2023 13:38

Thanks again everyone for your comments and views.

I appreciate my sister should know but it's such an awful feeling to know that I will be the one to end everything... their marriage, possibly the children's (15 & 18) relationship with their Dad. I mean can you imagine finding out that your Dad has been asking these things of your Aunty? It's an horrendous feeling.

Yes, I know HE should have thought about that before he did it but he's done it and it's all on me now to decide what's best and how to do it.

Thanks again

Good luck with it all. You're in an unenviable position.

Naunet · 07/09/2023 14:03

Oh yeah, that special kind of depressed that men get, that’s only cure is sticking their dick in another woman 🙄 Tell your sister what a creep she’s married to for god sake, don’t collude with him be being silent.

Naunet · 07/09/2023 14:05

Emsy999 · 07/09/2023 13:38

Thanks again everyone for your comments and views.

I appreciate my sister should know but it's such an awful feeling to know that I will be the one to end everything... their marriage, possibly the children's (15 & 18) relationship with their Dad. I mean can you imagine finding out that your Dad has been asking these things of your Aunty? It's an horrendous feeling.

Yes, I know HE should have thought about that before he did it but he's done it and it's all on me now to decide what's best and how to do it.

Thanks again

You’re not responsible for his actions, you didn’t ruin anything, except his revolting fantasy.

jlpth · 07/09/2023 14:12

Tell her. Have her over, just her, so she can read the entire message thread. I’d say you kept hoping it would stop and didn’t want to blow things up.

regarding your relationship with your sister, it’s already been impacted by his behaviour as it’s awkward. So I’m not sure what you have to lose by exposing this dirt bag.

perfectcolourfound · 07/09/2023 14:19

Please please please tell your sister.

You know she isn't happy, and this might be the thing that gives her the impetus to leave him. Either way, she is entitled to know the truth about her husband. Her vile DH will be 100% responsible for the marriage ending if it does. At the moment, you are almost implicit in her feeling obliged to stay with the man, because you are helping cover up how vile her is. His actions are vile, you are in no way at fault for them. But your sister deserves to know. And she needs to be able to trust her sister who she is close to.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 07/09/2023 20:58

Stop fucking texting him for starters

Jesus woman ! This is your sister and he’s grim and he’s not your friend

Thisisworsethananticpated · 07/09/2023 21:02

And I wouldn’t tell her yet actually

but stop conversing with him

she’ll clock on very fast and your relationship might take the hit (probably will )

seriously you really should have shut this down way way earlier with him

Daffodil18 · 07/09/2023 21:10

You need to tell her. You can tell her what you’ve wrote her for the reasons for not telling her. But if you leave it any longer and she finds out then she will never forgive you. She has a right to know this information and if you are as close as you are then you should not be keeping this from her. He’s manipulated you so much as a suicidal person would not be asking for sexy pics of his SIL to make himself feel better.

muchalover · 07/09/2023 21:17

I'm not saying don't tell your sister. But, I told my sister her DH was cheating on her and she never spoke to me again. Ever.

He married the other woman and had kids with her. My sister was going through IVF and never did have children. She is bitter so I can't say losing contact was a massive loss but your sister is your friend so go careful.

addicteetopawpatrol · 07/09/2023 21:24

Wow u must tell her

HowDoesThisWorkPlease · 07/09/2023 22:14

Imelda03 · 07/09/2023 08:49

Whilst fear is understandable initially due to the social awkwardness of this and the relationships involved there seems to be no reason for keeping your sister in the dark about this especially when the messages became sexual and continued past the initial few messages.

You discribe the messages as starting around the split from your hubby in March and that even at that initial stage BIL said he had feelings for you ….which he said made him feel a little uncomfortable messaging you ….but bless his little brave heart he did …..and bless yours, you were happy to be an ear to listen??!!….to the man who declared he had feelings for you….and is married to your “so so close..best friend” sister.

You described him as saying he was suicidal …..you never alerted your sister, his own wife that he may need help with that.

you were at least for some time back and forth messaging until you say you stopped responding as it became very very overtly sexual his side.

you’ve even said you’ve told him numerous times nothing will happen between you, so convos back and forth have happened about that subject which is way way past simple advice and being an “ear”.

You now are wanting to tell as the messages have “finally” stopped…because “how can I let her live with some one like this” “if he’s doing this to doing it me (the closet person may sister has) who knows if he’s doing it to anyone else” ……..read that back….he’s stopped messaging and you now want to tell all to save her incase he’s messaging another and not because of what he messaged you?!

This man is vile……didn’t it seem such an urgent issue when he was texting about suicide or how sexy you were and how he only lives with the thought of you and can he have some pics???

Get her alone and get it off your chest but don’t expect a hero’s welcome.

Whilst he is responsible for his own behaviour so are you. She is your sister and according to you So So close and your best friend…..

This

TheWayofBeing · 07/09/2023 23:48

Tell her. Free her.