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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Brother in Law behaving inappropriately - please help!

101 replies

Emsy999 · 06/09/2023 23:59

Hi everyone,

I'm in a right dilemma and I don't know what to do for the best...

My elder sister has been married to my brother in law for over 20 years now and we've always had a great relationship. I've known that they haven't been happy in the marriage for a long time and (on my sister's part anyway) have only really stayed together for the sake of the children. (15 & 18 now).

I separated from my husband in March this year after 20 years together (13 married).

Not long after I separated I started getting inappropriate messages from my brother in law. He has various health issues and is in constant pain and admitted to me that he's felt so depressed that he's been thinking of suicide. He told me that he felt at ease talking to me as he has feelings for me and he can't help it. He says he gets little compassion from my sister and his children and he needs someone to talk to. I was shocked at first but was an ear to listen to. He would tell me how unhappy he was sexually in the marriage and would say how if I sent him pictures of me (sexy) that it would stop him going over the edge and he'd have something to look forward to. He would say that he wishes we could have some time together and how thinking of me kept him going.

Now, as you can imagine I was shocked. Not only is he my brother in law but I am SO SO close to my sister, we are best friends. I felt so bad when he'd message me and ask advise because I felt like I was betraying my sister. He asked me not to tell anyone about what we'd been talking about and asked me to delete all the messages.

I've told him on numerous occasions that nothing will ever happen between us and that he needs professional help to help him with his suicidal thoughts. I've told him that he has to talk to my sister about how he is feeling also.

Fast forward a couple of months and he's finally stopped messaging me (as I haven't responded to him). It's so awkward when I go and see my sister that I'm making excuses and asking her to meet me away from the house so he's not there.

I don't know what to do for the best. They are so unhappy in their marriage but will probably stay together. If I was to tell my sister about this I'm sure it will make her end things and I'd feel so responsible. But how can I let her live with someone like that for the rest of her life? If he's doing this to me (the closest person she has) then who knows if he's doing it to anyone else.

Have I left it too late? I'm so scared that if I do tell her now, that she'll be so hurt that I haven't told her sooner and it'll really affect our relationship. Or is it that his head is all over the place (to the point of having suicidal thoughts) and that once he gets professional help it might make him realise that what he's done is so wrong and he'll really work on his marriage.

I really don't know what to do :(
Please help!

OP posts:
ToughFuss · 07/09/2023 08:17

What an absolutely repulsive creep he is. Please tell me you didn’t delete the messages?? Either way, you have to tell your sister.. I’m a bit horrified you didn’t immediately tell her to be honest, or that it got as far as it did, but I appreciate that I am not party to the nuances etc. She needs to know.

Anxioys · 07/09/2023 08:23

What a piece of work. Tell her today.

Butterfly44 · 07/09/2023 08:24

And I can totally see that when she ends it with him he will bring you into it by saying you were messaging him for months behind her back. And whatever he says will stay with your sister because it's part true and the trust will be affected.

You're only way to not ruin your own relationship with her is to tell her everything.

foolishone · 07/09/2023 08:27

You tell her and you explain that you were scared to before but you know she needs to know.

You will be doing her a favour if she's in an unhappy marriage and this gives her the push to go. Staying for the kids is almost always a terrible idea anyway.

Either way, she deserves to know and make her own decisions about her shit of a husband.

readbooksdrinktea · 07/09/2023 08:28

And yes, of course you should tell her.

Rewis · 07/09/2023 08:29

"I'll commit suicide if you don't sent me nudes to wank to" what a manipulative piece of shit.

Tell your sister and then report him to health authorities for suicidal tendencies.

Loubelle70 · 07/09/2023 08:32

Yes. My ex tried the 'im gonna kill myself' (manipulation to shut me up)...so i said if you are serious about that i am going to ring police to say youre threatening to take your life. He never tried to take his life.. btw he was a policeman 🤣. (Up there for thinking 😁)

Ohthatsabitshit · 07/09/2023 08:33

Of course you tell her

NeunundneunzigHorseBallonz · 07/09/2023 08:35

He’s a manipulative predator who went straight for the jugular when you were newly separated and (in his mind) would be vulnerable to his advances. Call the police and give them screenshots. Then tell your sister what you’ve done.

gloriawasright · 07/09/2023 08:36

Did you send the photos ?

Hotcuppatea · 07/09/2023 08:38

He's groomed you. And so successfully that you now YOU feel guilty for his sleazy behaviour.

Tell your sister everything today. She deserves to know.

BorrowedThyme · 07/09/2023 08:40

Of course tell her, straight away

Sparkletastic · 07/09/2023 08:42

Give your sister the reason that she's been waiting for to end her unhappy marriage. Her feelings are paramount in this sordid situation so I'd put your concerns for your own relationship with her aside for now and tell the truth.

pilates · 07/09/2023 08:46

The first inappropriate message you received from him you should have told him he was out of order. Please tell me you didn’t send him any photos?

Imelda03 · 07/09/2023 08:49

Whilst fear is understandable initially due to the social awkwardness of this and the relationships involved there seems to be no reason for keeping your sister in the dark about this especially when the messages became sexual and continued past the initial few messages.

You discribe the messages as starting around the split from your hubby in March and that even at that initial stage BIL said he had feelings for you ….which he said made him feel a little uncomfortable messaging you ….but bless his little brave heart he did …..and bless yours, you were happy to be an ear to listen??!!….to the man who declared he had feelings for you….and is married to your “so so close..best friend” sister.

You described him as saying he was suicidal …..you never alerted your sister, his own wife that he may need help with that.

you were at least for some time back and forth messaging until you say you stopped responding as it became very very overtly sexual his side.

you’ve even said you’ve told him numerous times nothing will happen between you, so convos back and forth have happened about that subject which is way way past simple advice and being an “ear”.

You now are wanting to tell as the messages have “finally” stopped…because “how can I let her live with some one like this” “if he’s doing this to doing it me (the closet person may sister has) who knows if he’s doing it to anyone else” ……..read that back….he’s stopped messaging and you now want to tell all to save her incase he’s messaging another and not because of what he messaged you?!

This man is vile……didn’t it seem such an urgent issue when he was texting about suicide or how sexy you were and how he only lives with the thought of you and can he have some pics???

Get her alone and get it off your chest but don’t expect a hero’s welcome.

Whilst he is responsible for his own behaviour so are you. She is your sister and according to you So So close and your best friend…..

Gcsunnyside23 · 07/09/2023 09:08

It's already affecting your relationship. I honestly can't believe you didn't tell her already, this isn't hearsay it's actually happened. You have to wonder how many other people he's cheated with

Original poster
Emsy999 · 07/09/2023 09:10

Thank you to everyone for your responses.

I just wanted to add a few things please.

I've known this man since I was 10 years old and everyone in the family loves him. He is there for everyone when they need something doing. He has been my sister's rock when we lost our brother last year - whom my sister was EXTREMELY close to and is still struggling to come to terms with not having him around.

I have kept all the messages and I have never ever sent him any pictures or given him any encouragement. I'm a really easy going person who is there for people so he possibly took advantage of that. It started when he confided in me about the suicide and my first response was that if you can't speak to my sister, at least the Samaritans (he'd already spoken to them apparently).

My sister knows that he's tried to commit suicide and is probably so worried about leaving him now because of what he might do to himself.

OP posts:
Ohthatsabitshit · 07/09/2023 09:19

Tell her.

readbooksdrinktea · 07/09/2023 09:26

I've known this man since I was 10 years old and everyone in the family loves him. He is there for everyone when they need something doing. He has been my sister's rock when we lost our brother last year - whom my sister was EXTREMELY close to and is still struggling to come to terms with not having him around.

Regardless, he's a disgusting manipulative shit. He just hid it well.

Aquamarine1029 · 07/09/2023 09:28

I've known this man since I was 10 years old

Do you not appreciate how this makes his repugnant behaviour even more repugnant? As if that were possible, yet he achieved it.

As for him being your sister's "rock", irrelevant. Just because he supported her for a time does not mean he's not a manipulative creep.

Your sister has got to know what he's done. End of discussion.

readbooksdrinktea · 07/09/2023 09:33

I've known this man since I was 10 years old

Do you not appreciate how this makes his repugnant behaviour even more repugnant?

It really is, OP.

Jennalong · 07/09/2023 09:36

First it's a good thing you've kept the messages. Could you invite your sister over to yours and tell about when it first started to happen and why you've been reluctant to tell her , offer to go into the next room and give her your phone so she can read them if she wants.

billy1966 · 07/09/2023 09:39

readbooksdrinktea · 07/09/2023 09:33

I've known this man since I was 10 years old

Do you not appreciate how this makes his repugnant behaviour even more repugnant?

It really is, OP.

He really is disgusting.

Tell her.

Take no responsibility for anything.

He is a manipulative sleaze.

Mumsmet · 07/09/2023 09:50

gloriawasright · 07/09/2023 08:36

Did you send the photos ?

I was wondering this too. OP, if you HAVE sent pics don't let that stop you telling your sister. You're in a vulnerable place yourself and may have done a silly thing thinking he was going to harm himself.

Mumsmet · 07/09/2023 09:51

Mumsmet · 07/09/2023 09:50

I was wondering this too. OP, if you HAVE sent pics don't let that stop you telling your sister. You're in a vulnerable place yourself and may have done a silly thing thinking he was going to harm himself.

Show quote history

Sorry, I had composed this before the other message came through saying you hadn't sent pics.

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