Cheating wife, should I confront or not

[Namechanged4thisCheatingWife]

I found out and have evidence that my wife is cheating on me.
In all other aspects of our marriage we are very happy, we have a child together and they are the centre of our world.
I know that our issues are down to a lack of sex, this has been down to a number of reasons. Years ago she had issues that meant she had to go for cervical scans every 3 months and that stopped things for a while, that eventually cleared up. Then we took a long time to conceive, which was followed by a miscarriage. That was hard to get over and led to a long time of no intimacy.
Eventually we tried again, sex felt routine to try and get pregnant. But she did, and no have a wonderful child.

Sex has been sporadic and not a lot since then. Whenever we dtd it felt routine and boring. We needed excitement, neither of us instigated any changes, I thought she just wasn't looking for anything more than the same routine. Then months went by...and neither of us were tried and we have become stuck in a horrible rut of little sex.
I have since found out that she is now cheating on me, the messages indicate to me that she is more adventurous and sexually charged than I thought.

I'm not sure that confronting her is the solution. As I know the reasons why she has strayed, and I think it can be fixed if I instigate things in the bedroom. But as it has been so long it has become difficult to do. How do I do that?
The problem has definitely been on both sides.

I guess my thinking is if I can get our sex life back on track, I can get our marriage back, and am hoping that this will lead to her cheating ending (which I believe it would). Pr am I just living in cuckoo land?

Firstly, you need to address this with her head on. She may not want to continue the marriage - the affair may be her way of getting out. If she does want to continue the marriage, she needs to be the one putting in the work to fix it - at least at first. She needs to cut all contact with her affair partner and take steps to understand why she embarked on the affair and how to stop it happening again.

You’ll need couples therapy (and probably individual therapy too). It’s a long, hard road. I’d recommend looking at the Surviving Infidelity forum, rather than Mumsnet (you won’t get much supportive advice here I’m afraid).

Also, take care of yourself. You’ll be in shock after discovering this - it can leave real scars (coming from someone who’s been in your position).

Yes you definitely need to address this with her so that the excitement of the affair will abruptly stop - which it won’t if you don’t tell her you know. If you just tell her all is forgiven straight away she will know you have little boundaries and will forever cross them. It’s good that you want this to work but you deserve to be treated better than this. There is never an accuse for having an affair.

Thanks for the advice. I'm not sure confrontation is going to help as I know why she has strayed. I am sure it is purely due to a lack of sex, which I am more than willing to change.
It's just trying to address that issue first that I am finding difficult.
If we can get back on track, then if nothing changes on her side, I definitely will confront her about her affair.

Problem is it might not be as simple as ‘lack
of sex’

im really damm sorry you are going through this

but I’d step back and not assume fix sex = fix problem

I’m very sorry 😞

Yes confront.
Its best to get everything out in the open and see what you are dealing with.

I’m honestly not saying this to upset you or make it worse, I’m trying to help as I’ve known people waste years flogging a dead horse and it happened in my own marriage (not the cheating but the sex dying off)

She may want sex but not with you. That sounds so brutally harsh but I would hate for you to assume that if you instigate more sex and start trying to be more adventurous etc it will definitely fix things.

I’m not saying this is definitely what’s happened but if she’s gone off you sexually and possibly emotionally then you suddenly trying to initiate more sex will make things worse. You absolutely need to confront this and discuss it with her to see what you’re dealing with. Try and make it clear to her that you want the absolute truth even if it’s something you won’t want to hear and that she can be honest without you getting angry with her. You won’t get the truth otherwise.

I think you’re being very naive to think that if you try and initiate more sex then she’ll stop seeing this other man.

it will certainly not be as back and white as that.

You need to confront the issue, before you try to fix the causes. Talk to her.

Tell her you are aware of the affair. Explain that you think it happened because sex had become a bit dull, and ask her if you are right? Tell her you want to try to fix things. She needs to say she is willing to try too.

Then you can agree between you, how that happens. But you have to communicate and work together. Good luck.

It’s not lack of sex. Presumably you have the same lack of sex but your integrity is such that you have decided not to cheat?

Cheating is on the cheater. You really need to pour cold water on the affair by contacting the other wife if there is one and both confronting. If not you will end up doing the pick me dance. Which won’t help you keep your marriage.

Surviving infidelity is an excellent website full of advice. As you are level headed with the news go read the resources and do this right to give you the best chance of reconciliation. The posters are very helpful too.

Be aware that you are in shock at the moment and the next 2-5 years are likely to be an extremely rough ride. EMDR therapy for you if you can will help. Pisd a type if ptsd is real).

But it was not your fault. You can’t make someone betray their own vows - that’s why you are not shagging elsewhere. Shagging someone else never fixes a marriage, it’s like using kerosene to burn down your house when really just the hole in the roof needed repairing.

As hard as it might be hard to hear, I don't think lack of sex is the issue.

I'm currently have issues in the sexual side of my relationship (medical issues on his side). I love him so much and the rest of the relationship is so good that cheating wouldn't cross my mind.

I also think once one person in a relationship has cheated it takes a lot more than sex to fix it.

I strongly suspect lack of sex is not the cause but the symptom. You both need to learn how to communicate honestly and intimately. You can't do that by avoiding honest conversations..

Sorry she has done this to you. Infidelity is shit.

Thank you all for your advice, it has given me a lot to think about.
I don't think it is an emotional affair looking through the messages I have seen, but obviously the problems run deeper than I want to believe.
What I am more surprised at is the fact that I am not that surprised it has happened, and I can take the emotions out of it. That's probably quite concerning in itself.

Look at the surviving infidelity forum

You’re not having much sex and not cheating….
being able to look at it objectively is one thing but wont help you really.
like other posters have said, she might have gone off you, not actually want to have sex with you any more.
happens in a lot of marriages

I'm not sure she has gone off me (she may have, but I really dont think that is the issue), I think she tried a little bit and I was not as responsive as I should have been. We both seem to find these conversations awkward, that needs to stop and I need to speak to her.

What messages have you seen?

Messages between her and him...one popped up on her phone whilst I had it. It was via email, I don't have access to her phone but her email is logged on to her tablet which I do have access to

You need to speak to each other, a lack of communication causes the downfall of many a relationship. You are both adults and should be able to speak freely about how you feel and what you expect.

Most people here say if there is infidelity then leave them and skin them for everything you can do but because this is a woman cheating advice seems to be different...

Yes, you are 100% right. I don't want to break up, and I very much doubt she does either. I know reading this people can think differently, but only I and her know the real situation. Thank you for the advice. It is helpful to hear.

Oh and just in case fuck the daily mail, star sun and mirror as well. (Hopefully not needed)

lots of couples go through dry spells and dont cheat.
Its you’re like at the end of the day but I wouldn’t stay with a cheater

Shes cheating on you. How will you ever trust her again?
Regardless of the reasons you're assuring yourself of, she thinks THAT LITTLE of you, her marriage, her child.
She could have ended the relarionship but she chose to have sex with another man.
See this for what this is. You deserve better

As I know the reasons why she has strayed, and I think it can be fixed if I instigate things in the bedroom.

Personally I would not wish to stay with someone who was interested mainly in sex. It is rare for that to be a woman's driving needs (but not impossible).

Have you thought about other aspects of your lives. Do you pull your weight on domestic work or childcare? Do you meet her emotional needs such as communication? I think going in on the basis of more frequent and better quality sex may not be enough.

Jesus Christ, just leave and go find some happiness somewhere else, life is way to short to be dragged around by a cheater.

I am genuinely intrigued by people who wouldn't feel the need to confront their partner if they knew she/he is cheating.

If you love yourself and you are experiencing a betrayal - wouldn't it be natural to confront your partner about it?

I am just wondering about your self-esteem.
A partner with a very low-esteem may not be very sexy.

You seem to be convinced the lack of sex was is the problem but maybe it's just a symptom of other issues?

I really don't suffer from any low self esteem, and I definitely pull my weight everywhere else. We are genuinely happy everywhere else apart from the bedroom...

I genuinely believe I am a large part to blame. I have to admit showing a lack of interest (which I still cannot really fully explain).
If anything I understand that she probably felt rejected by me and suffered from insecurities because of this, which are being rectified by an affair.
It has kicked me into senses that I should have been doing that.