Cheating wife, should I confront or not

[Namechanged4thisCheatingWife]

I found out and have evidence that my wife is cheating on me.
In all other aspects of our marriage we are very happy, we have a child together and they are the centre of our world.
I know that our issues are down to a lack of sex, this has been down to a number of reasons. Years ago she had issues that meant she had to go for cervical scans every 3 months and that stopped things for a while, that eventually cleared up. Then we took a long time to conceive, which was followed by a miscarriage. That was hard to get over and led to a long time of no intimacy.
Eventually we tried again, sex felt routine to try and get pregnant. But she did, and no have a wonderful child.

Sex has been sporadic and not a lot since then. Whenever we dtd it felt routine and boring. We needed excitement, neither of us instigated any changes, I thought she just wasn't looking for anything more than the same routine. Then months went by...and neither of us were tried and we have become stuck in a horrible rut of little sex.
I have since found out that she is now cheating on me, the messages indicate to me that she is more adventurous and sexually charged than I thought.

I'm not sure that confronting her is the solution. As I know the reasons why she has strayed, and I think it can be fixed if I instigate things in the bedroom. But as it has been so long it has become difficult to do. How do I do that?
The problem has definitely been on both sides.

I guess my thinking is if I can get our sex life back on track, I can get our marriage back, and am hoping that this will lead to her cheating ending (which I believe it would). Pr am I just living in cuckoo land?

"I'm not sure that confronting her is the solution. As I know the reasons why she has strayed, and I think it can be fixed if I instigate things in the bedroom"

But how can you be sure the reasons why she has strayed if there is a lack of communication between you? She didn't tell you about the affair, there might be other issues that you are not aware of.

It's only my opinion but I think you are avoiding confrontation out of fear losing her.
Would a person with healthy boundaries decided to pretend they don't know their partner is lying to them?

I am definitely avoiding confrontation for the fear of losing her. I realise what I have got.
I just feel confronting her could bring thing to a head before I have even tried to put things right on my side, and actually really show her what she means to me.
Maybe that's stupid, maybe it's not. Things are not always simple.

You don't want to, and I get it takes balls, but the best way to go is to tell her you know. Just that, I can probably be a tad avoidant at times, but at the very least, say you know, then walk out the room - let that sit with her for a while, a bit less scary and not confronting, but will take the excitement of secrecy away from what she is doing.
Trying to fix the sex probably won't work. Unless she's morally devoid, you'll probably find she will try anything to avoid sex with you if she's having it elsewhere ( the guilt will stop her).So you really won't get the chance to improve sex now she's got someone else.
You have to make her want to address problems, she will only want to do anything about it once she's faced with the reality of what she's done.

Well, yes if she does try and avoid sex...then I will definitely confront her. If it becomes obvious to me that she doesn't still want me then I am prepares to walk away.
I am not naive. Though I do appreciate it may have com off this way.

even if she does start having sex with you it could be out of guilt not because shes stopped seeing someone

also you need to be aware of stds

You need to confront her - don’t rug sweep this.

As others have posted, it’s unlikely your wife will simply enthusiastically start having sex with you once you make a move.

Also even if she does wouldn’t it be praying on your mind while you are doing it ?

time for a difficult conversation.

I’m currently in a limited sex marriage, very similar background in ref to trying to conceive routinely, miscarries etc I’ve been mentioning for years that I need more intimacy and affection and nothing every really changes.

I’m very adventurous, and fantasise more about an exciting sexual reality with my husband vs actual reality. We absolutely love each other which is clear but there is a weird sexual barrier and I often wonder if it’s because the newness of a relationship is over so often things are taken for granted and people stop trying sometimes thinking that person will always be there.

Im unsure what the future holds for us, I would never consider cheating but equally I have a high sex drive and I’m not happy with a sexless lifestyle as such, I’m guessing this may be your wife’s reality.

I think you need to confront your wife as overtime she may become emotionally invested in other people, cheating is cheating and you need to know if this is something you can work on and fix together. My thinking is that if she’s taken the step to actually cheat, then she’s possibly done emotionally!

Thank you for your response. Sounds like you are in a similar situation to how me and my wife were.
It is difficult. I hope your OH bucks his ideas up

I think you need to confront as she will be rewriting history to justify her poor choices and get rid of the cognitive dissonance being a cheating arsehole causes (how many cheaters claim poor mental health - I’m not surprised when you have no integrity and are a liar). But I think your calm head means you can do it thoughtfully.

There are a few books to read:
Help my spouse heal from my affair
Not just friends

when the shock wears off and you hit the bottom. Or she doesn’t help you heal (most cheaters don’t have the skills to help a partner recover - that’s why they cheat - poor introspection, poor coping, poor self soothing, attitude of ‘I deserve’, no forward thinking about risk, ) The book cheating in a nutshell will help you understand your feelings - but it’s a sad read and it’s very bleak about recovery so don’t go there unless you think it will help.

Many marriages break up once the victim realises the true cost of infidelity. Sadly you are the collateral damage from your wife’s shit choices. You start seeing the signs there were there from early on. They will call it a ‘mistake’ nope a mistake is letting the milk boil over or forgetting to post a letter. To cheat is thousands of deliberately made choices. She has to work out why or she is more likely to do it again. You can’t risk Rug sweeping if you want a good marriage. Also she will tell you the bare minimum. We only text. It’s all a fantasy. We met once for coffee. We only kissed on the cheek. Etc. you will want to believe her. Trickle truth is often the real killer. It’s their way of controlling you as if they don’t think you deserve or are capable of hearing the truth. Selfish liars keep doing their thing after being caught.

There is no excuse for cheating on your spouse. At the moment you are in damage limitation mode, fix the sex all will be okay. Sadly you are likely to go through a grief cycle. The damage it does is unbelievable and i am really sorry you are going through this.

Remember you are the prize. She may think she is desirable as this bloke is blowing smoke up her arse but Her values/integrity/communication skills/ lies/self worth mean she is a poor value partner. I hope she is capable of doing the work required to help you heal and become a better partner.

Ask her.
Thing is, men just think its the sex problem, sometimes it is, but usually for the woman who looks elsewhere its lack of intimacy, lack of emotional support etc. Good luck.

Working in the office today, first time I have had any time out of the house on my own since I found out.
Hopefully it will give me some perspective and let my head clear.

Has OP been approachable for his wife?. Whilst i don't condone cheating, there's something missing in the relationship. Mostly, if men cheat its because of sex, if women cheat yes it can be because lack of sex, but rarely just that. Lack of intimacy, feeling unheard, limited touch, lack of communication etc. Not condoning but trying to say its not always as straight forward as it seems, sometimes it is

OP you seem really calm/detached?

When I found out I couldn't eat/sleep/function and had to go on meds to retain any semblance of normality for my 2 children.

How are you feeling? You must talk to her whatever happens. I hope you have a friend you can talk to in real life. Many people turn to therapy in these situations whether that's individual or as a couple.

Take care.

You say you displayed "lack of interest", presumably in the relationship itself not just the sexual side of the marriage.

It has been my experience that most women who cheat do so because they have themselves been 'cheated' by which I mean denied/deprived of the emotional support that the marriage needs to thrive. It is, in my view, the vital oxygen and no marriage can sustain itself when being suffocated in this way.

It was once described to me by a trusted colleague as "oh, you mean the dressing gown syndrome ... hung on the back of the door and forgotten about until you're needed again"! Could this be what your wife has been taught by your neglect to believe is all she's worth to you?

I make no moral judgement about adultery/cheating, but offer another viewpoint as to the reasons why it happens. Good luck.

I have been there emotionally for her, and she has me. In virtually all ways we have a very happy life and marriage, with a lovely happy child.
I am surprisingly calm. It may just be a case of not having processed everything yet, or just how my outlook on life is (every day is a gift, all experiences are there to be lived, good and bad).
I guess I am maybe a little numb as I try and figure things out.
My wife (I know this may sund difficult to believe) is such a nice, kind person, all her friends lean on her for advice. She would literally be the last person anyone would expect to cheat (including me). Which I why I know a large part of this lands on me. I know it doesn't excuse what she has done, but I can understand it.

Your posts scream low self esteem, like you are so grateful to have a wife you will tolerate this shit and blame yourself.

She cares so little for you, your marriage and the happiness of her child that she is happy to shag around, and you blame yourself.

Have you had many long term relationships or sexual partners before your wife?

Thinking you can up your game in the bedroom and fix this is both cloud cuckoo land and cloud cuckold land.

Yes before we got together I had quite a lot of different sexual partners. I wonder if having to be committed to one person and not having sex with anyone else, led to things going stale in the bedroom.

This ^
You need to
look at your marriage holistically, not just the intimate side.
Start with kindness, consideration, date nights, fun days out together, being more of a team to get things around the house done. (You’ll know what you should do.) See if that helps.
You may want to confront her but if you don’t want to lose your marriage, you may want to set what you’ve discovered aside for a bit? On the other hand, don’t be a doormat.

Thank you, this is helpful. I'm not going to be a doormat.
I know whatever the outcome I will be fine.
I just want to give my marriage a chance to work.
I can live with the knowledge she cheated, and whilst yes it would bother me, it wouldn't kill me. Life is rarely straightforward.

Firstly, you need to stop assuming you know the reasons why she has cheated. Secondly, you need to address it with her, sweeping it under the carpet and suddenly making more effort in the bedroom won't make it all go away. That's not going to end well for either of you.

I'm sorry you are going through this. It does sound like you are in shock, despite saying you aren't surprised by it. Often being emotionless and calm about something is our way of protecting ourselves from further pain.

She needs to know that you know and you need to allow her the space to openly discuss her reasons with you. You may well be right and it may be as simple as you say, but there may be numerous other issues you aren't aware of.

Even if you are right, that doesn't mean you have to accept it. You are still within your rights to be angry, hurt and upset. She has broken your trust, regardless of her reasoning for it.

Goodness me OP all the advice and questions about whether you have been pulling your weight at home, whether you are caring or considerate enough and you are already taking the full blame for your sex life!
If this was a woman whose husband was cheating I doubt she’d be allowed unquestioningly to take the full blame for the state of your marital sex life, or being asked, however gently, if she was pulling her weight or being kind enough or might be treating you like you were invisible.
It’s almost like you are being asked to question your worth and contribution as a partner further, shoulder more blame, and helpfully handed the choreography for the ‘pick me’ dance.
No marriage is perfect and no partner is perfect and we could all improve the way we treat each other. Some days we make more effort than we do on others if we are honest with ourselves, we are all human.
I appreciate your honesty about where you think the marriage has issues, and that because of the nature of what you read, you have decided to take the blame and cite sexual issues as the cause of it.

However, the sexual issues are a marriage issue. Working on marriage issues is for after the biggest issue your marriage has had been dealt with, by the person who is fully to blame for it and should take full responsibility.
The biggest issue in your marriage is infidelity. You did not cause it. Your wife chose it. Honest communication by her, indeed by both of you, about any issues you were nigh having, plus seeking help and support if needed, and both acting on it, was the decent, honest way forward for her. She either gave up on or did not choose this option. That is not your fault, it is hers.
However much you feel you are to blame for issues you can see in your marriage prior to the infidelity, (this is honestly a separate issue to the cheating) all this shows is that you are honest with yourself and want to work on things, it does not show that your wife had no other option than to look for sex and gratification outside of the commitment and promises she made to you. Not everyone in a troubled or sexually troubled marriage has an affair.
Infidelity is not an absolute inevitability, it’s a personal choice made by someone who chose deceit and betrayal over loyalty and communication.
Address the biggest problem in your marriage: the infidelity. When she has ended the affair for good and shows remorse and been completely honest and open about it with you, then you can both decide if you want to work on your marriage and get it back on track. Then and only then do you look at the other relationship issues, she doesn’t get to betray you and her children and blame you for her poor choices.
At present there is more discussion here about ‘improving’ you and your marriage whilst we are all aware that your wife is still indulging in an affair. As self-improvement goes, it would appear she has far more to do than you.
OP deal first with the affair.
It’s as if we are all calmly watching your house burn down whilst we discuss whether or not your sprinkler system was up to scratch. Somebody needs to call the bloody fire brigade.

In many ways your marriage does seem to be working for you.

It might not be working for your wife. I would ask her about her happiness in the marriage without mentioning her affair.

Thanks for all the advice. I am fully aware that everyone has told me to confront her with exactly what I know and get it out in the open. And talking here has certainly woken me up to that as a real option now.
The only reason I have not done that is if I say I know, and that I want to get our sex life back on track. Does she then think I am only saying that because I caught her? Does she just then hide it in a way that I am totally oblivious?
The only reason I found out was because of these emails, and because she is logged on, on a separate tablet. If they moved their messaging elsewhere, or hadn't messaged their in the first place I would never know.
I literally would never have found out. They do not meet regularly, and when they do it seems purely for sex. It has to be quick as I pretty much know where she is most of the time, because she is either at work in the office which is rare (I think they meet after work) at home, or out with friends and family (who I know)
The odd occasions where she has been late back from work I now know where she has really been.

Thank you for a different perspective.

This isn't just sex though. She has broken a boundary of your relationship, she has justified betrayel because you are sexless and she has shown she would rather go into the arms of another man than address the issues with you- all too easy and lazy.

I don't agree it's just about the sex. In my opinion women cheat for intamacy and men cheat for sex.

I really don't think sorting your sex life out is going to fix this. Your relationship is in a lot of trouble.