Cheating wife, should I confront or not

[Namechanged4thisCheatingWife]

I found out and have evidence that my wife is cheating on me.
In all other aspects of our marriage we are very happy, we have a child together and they are the centre of our world.
I know that our issues are down to a lack of sex, this has been down to a number of reasons. Years ago she had issues that meant she had to go for cervical scans every 3 months and that stopped things for a while, that eventually cleared up. Then we took a long time to conceive, which was followed by a miscarriage. That was hard to get over and led to a long time of no intimacy.
Eventually we tried again, sex felt routine to try and get pregnant. But she did, and no have a wonderful child.

Sex has been sporadic and not a lot since then. Whenever we dtd it felt routine and boring. We needed excitement, neither of us instigated any changes, I thought she just wasn't looking for anything more than the same routine. Then months went by...and neither of us were tried and we have become stuck in a horrible rut of little sex.
I have since found out that she is now cheating on me, the messages indicate to me that she is more adventurous and sexually charged than I thought.

I'm not sure that confronting her is the solution. As I know the reasons why she has strayed, and I think it can be fixed if I instigate things in the bedroom. But as it has been so long it has become difficult to do. How do I do that?
The problem has definitely been on both sides.

I guess my thinking is if I can get our sex life back on track, I can get our marriage back, and am hoping that this will lead to her cheating ending (which I believe it would). Pr am I just living in cuckoo land?

Do not reveal your source at this stage. Personally I would State that you love her and your marriage. That you want to grow old together. You would like to work on your marriage and make it the best it can be. However it has been brought to your attention that she has cheated and you are not prepared to be in this situation.

You have no idea if this is her first, second or tenth affair. She is a proven liar and she has been caught this time. If you reveal your source she will ensure it’s hidden better next time. If she has cheated before she may confess to something else, thinking it is that you know about.

Do not reveal your source. ‘It doesn’t matter how I found out, I am aware you are being unfaithful, I want to know your side’.

You want access to the email just in case she takes it underground or warns him.

Is he married?

Have been not being

Good advice. Yes, he is married. I know of them, I know neither well. Both have been to our house a few years ago.

I think in view of your calmness you have nothing to lose by trying to win her back without telling her. If you can continue to follow their conversations you would know if they split.

If you can't win her back then please do tell his wife. Possibly whatever happens you should tell his wife. But then she'll tell him and the cat will be out of the bag.

At the same time you must sort out the communication issues. Would she agree to marriage counseling? Can you afford to pay for it? And to find someone really good?

Thank you for this
I haven't really thought about his wife too much in this. I don't think I could tell her without having properly confronted my wife.
All of these people were in her life before I met her, and come from her wider friendship group.
I have no idea what the fallout of that would be. But I don't see that as my problem.
The thought had crossed my mind, I think all possibilities have. But it would be mainly to hurt him. I don't want to hurt his wife, but I suppose she already is, she just doesn't know about it, as far as I am aware.

This is such a tough one. And I do agree with you life isn't always straight forward or black and white.

It does appear to be that you've not fully processed this yet. You're not displaying any of the emotions that would be expected anger, hurt, loss or betrayal. You've gone straight to acceptance. I think there's some unpicking you need to do here.

You seem to be in problem solving mode. (I'd bet good money you do this on a regular basis in work) you've removed yourself from the issue and are trying to look at it from the outside and are approaching it as a project that needs to be managed and brought to a conclusion to make all parties happy. I know that sounds cold but that's currently how you're posts read to me.

Disengaging from sex usually also means a detachment in most areas of intimacy and physical contact. It's totally normal to have periods have low/no sex in a relationship. It's not normal to seek it elsewhere.

It does sound correct that she is probably trying to recover her self esteem and getting a much needed ego boost. (Not that she's gone the right way about it) She may also be blaming herself partially for lack of sex and intimacy. She may feel you ar no longer atttacyed to her if her body and mindset has changed postpartum and aftwr her medical issues. Who knows?

But, please stop making excuses for her and blaming yourself. Also, there is no, she/he is not the type to cheat. Given the right circumstances, availablity and emotions everyone is capable of cheating. Its whether they actually do or not.

Allow yourself to feel everything you should be feeling. If you don't, and you confront her and your marriage gets back track, one day one little thing may push you over the edge and it will all come out. Things like this can get very ugly.

I Hope everything does work for you, you seem decent and open to change. I Hope she is as well.

Yes you can say that, if all YOU want is sex OP. Alternatively you could ask why ..you could also say you want the intimacy back, the love, her touch, to be touched...NOT just sex. But youve got to want that and not that it may lead to sex. Im bit out of patience tbh.

Everything you have said is spot on. I definitely problem solve at work.
I know I haven't shown much emotion on here. But listening to music on the commute in to work today I could feel myself welling up, ad I can now.

First of all sorry for all the typos! I hope I've not come across too harshly.

I think before you confront you should try to fully process this for yourself. Work out what it is that you want and how it needs to change. What she needs to do and where you need to improve as well. Ask her simply what she wants and does she think it's worth working at.

There was no cheating I was aware of in my marriage although some pretty heavy porn use. But similar story. We had issues with sex after dc1 due to a birth injury that took months to sort through mentally and physically. Then we were too tired, exhausted by working and trying to be that perfect family. We both disengaged and dropped out of the marriage. Sex was infrequent and so samey I could cry and did . We then both actively avoided it and any intimacy that could lead to sex. It was awkward and painful. But for our child we presented a united and happy front. No one would know from outside how hurt and distanced we had become. This went on for years. We would talk about it, ttc another baby which led to years of secondary infertility and loss, more pain and more distance.

Then one day out of no where he decided he we shouldn't be living like this. He changed practically over night. It was a lot to handle. But once he decides something that's it, he's all or nothing. By that point I had fully checked out. It took me nearly two years to see that he meant it and was making an effort, our sex life went through the roof. We had another baby. And now just coming out of the newborn phase with a young baby.

I thought it was happening again, the disengaging, the distance and lack of intimacy. He refused any and all sexual contact for the first 8 wks pp. Except he was perfect everywhere else. I freaked out. He was worried about the issues we had the first time around. We've since spoken about it and now have that past us.

It can work. If I had posted a couple of years ago about our issues, I would have been advised to leave him. My self esteem was on the floor but so was his. I didn't stop to think about how he may have been feeling and what he was experiencing. It's been hard work but we've made it through the other side. We've had to rebuild everything emotionally and physically. We're both very different people from who we married. He was the driving force for saving our marriage. I'll be forever thankful.

That is really good to hear. I read that and noticed so many similarities in our situations (apart from the cheating), thank you for sharing.

You should tell her that you know though, for your own sake. When things like this happen there is a tenancy to go into survival mode where you just think about fixing the situation. When that eases then the emotions come. You need to be able to express how you are feeling in an honest way with the person you want to be in a partnership with. Otherwise it'll just be a rinse and repeat scenario. Obviously much harder to do than say.

The reason it’s recommended you tell the other wife is so they find it harder to go underground. They also tend to throw each other under the bus. And you can compare stories with the other party to piece together a better truth. It’s hard to continue an affair when both of them are fighting for their marriage.

ideally you would do it before telling your wife so the other lady can dig around too. Also if your wife finds out from him then you know she is still talking to the man despite his wife finding out.

Infidelity is very messy and selfish. I agree with a pp I don’t think it’s hit you yet. If you research the hell out of it it may help you as you seem to analyse what is going on. Remember unmet needs theory should be ignored. Please look after yourself because it is very likely to hit you and it won’t be pretty. Good luck

The other wife does deserve to know. Hard to be the one who delivers the message that blows her world up though.

She does. She deserves to make informed decisions about her life in the same way that we'd all like to. It's horrible that it comes from you though. It's one of the many very unfair things about infidelity. I am very sorry that you have all of this to deal with.

OP l also doubt it was the lack of a sex life with you that caused her to cheat. A lack of passion maybe, or possibly her viewing you as more of a housemate or friend that has led to it?
Also if you love her as much as you say you do then you need to try to feel your feelings here, and to find your passion and even your anger, as you do sound abnormally passive and lacking in emotion. Without a doubt you should tell her you know about the affair as the longer you leave it the harder it will be. And the affair partners wife need to know about the situation too, but not before you have spoken to your wife.

A lot of my anger and emotion is directed at myself for not putting in more effort earlier in my marriage.
I am furious, angry, hurt with her believe me. Just tyring to take emotion out of it here to get advice.

OP, I understand and it's commendable that you recognise that you were partly to blame, but you aren't the one who has cheated here.
Marriages often go through fallow patches, and there can be periods where physical intimacy is lacking or even non existent, but thats life! If she'd been concerned your wife could have addressed it but instead her solution was to have an affair.
Please speak to her, stop blaming yourself and tell her you know for your own sake. Keeping a secret like this is mentally and emotionally exhausting and will take its toll on you as you will be continually on tenterhooks wondering when they will next be meeting up.

I think I am still in shock stage to be honest

I think your posts definitely show that you're in the shock stage. That's why I think that you should talk to her about it if you want to go forward with her. You need support through this. If you both want to be together then it should be her that supports you.

I genuinely believe I am a large part to blame. I have to admit showing a lack of interest (which I still cannot really fully explain).
If anything I understand that she probably felt rejected by me and suffered from insecurities because of this, which are being rectified by an affair.
It has kicked me into senses that I should have been doing that.

Be that as it may - your wife, as a married woman has the responsibility of approaching you to have a proper conversation about what is making her unhappy in the relationship and exploring with you how to fix it. Or if she was past that point and just wanted to end the relationship with you before moving on, she had that option as well. This is how people in relationships are supposed to handle things, not go and hookup with someone else behind their partner's back.

I appreciate you recognizing your own contribution to what you believe the problem is in your marriage but that in no way excuses or justifies what she has done.

It has to be addressed. If you are both on board with repairing your marriage, that's great but her behaviour absolutely needs to be dealt with and not swept under the carpet. Why did she jump to cheating instead of communicating with you? How could you ever trust that this won't be her default again when inevitably your marriage experiences any other issues? She has broken trust, which is a pretty big foundation to break in your relationship - nevermind whatever was happening with the sex or lack thereof. This is far, far worse.

Counselling might help, but you need to speak to her about this first obviously. It might just help you both to communicate better.

An update to this thread.
Thank you to everyone who commented, I took all of your views on board. I read up a lot of information on cheating, from surviving infidelity forums, reddit posts, chump lady, and found it all very useful in helping me understand a few things.
I have tried to work on things, but they have been in vain, I have learned that someone having an affair who doesn't think they are going to be caught won't stop unless there is a major catalyst for it.
Between me posting originally and now I know they have not met up. However it all came to a head today as I found out that they were due to meet tonight.
I have confronted her, it really is the only way. There have been tears and she has apologised, I know that means little but it is something.
We still have lots to discuss, and I am not sure where things will go from here.
But I wanted to give an update as the one thing that annoys me on MN is not finding out what has happened.

Thanks for the update, OP - it is appreciated but do focus on yourself and only post here if it suits you! It’s good that she knows you know and you can now start talking. Good luck, OP.

Good luck, I’m glad you confronted her as it would never have stopped otherwise. I hope you can work through this.

Now you have confronted her you should tell his wife. Do not let your wife know that you are speaking to her - if you do the man will warn his wife. Also if she mentions the wife finding out you will know she is still in contact with him.

By telling his wife the man will hopefully focus on calming the situation in his marriage made by his choices rather than trying to contact your wife. You may find they then scrabble around blamIng one another as they try to save their marriages. Loves young dream doesn’t often last long when a spotlight shines on their relationship. It’s less Romeo and Juliet and more Titania and Bottom in the cold light of day.

I am sorry you are in this situation. You didn’t cause it and you cannot control it. People don’t cheat due to unmet needs they cheat due to core issues which have affected their integrity, honesty and other values.