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Original poster

How to turn off feelings for someone I shouldn't have feelings for...

80 replies

curtainsandpillows · 02/09/2023 19:22

How do you stop having feelings for someone you shouldn’t have feelings for?

He’s married and so I am.
I would have thought it was just a harmless crush at first, however it’s been 2 years I’ve felt like this.
He’s certainly not my type looks wise, it’s the personality!

How do you just turn the feelings off? Stop thinking about them?

I do have to see them on a semi regular basis through work but we don’t work together or even at the same workplace which I thought would make it easier!?

The way I feel is like when you split up with a boyfriend, a kind of heartache that nothing can or will happen.

Any advice please?

OP posts:
Trenchfootinthescottishhighlandstoday · 02/09/2023 19:27

Imagine he left his dw for you. Your life would be wondering if he was cheating on YOU..

Grahambella · 02/09/2023 19:36

We all find people attractive every day but you never open the window to let them in (or know how you feel).

Read cheating in a nutshell.

Read how to help your spouse heal from your affair.

Read ‘not just friends’.

Read the surviving infidelity website.

You will then see the reality of cheating. It causes ptsd in the victims. It can cause kids to stop speaking to their parent. It causes trauma and pain. It’s not fun and frolics as depicted on Tv, film and in books.

If this was an EA then seek therapy to see why you opened the window. No-one and nothing will allow someone to step over their own boundary or betray their own vows or lose their integrity. If you have overstepped find out why. Use it as a wake up call to improve your life and self and work on your marriage. I won’t cheat even if my husband pisses me off, not for him but because I made a vow and I am not prepared to betray myself and my values for anyone. They are my values and they matter to me.

Hopefully all of the books will make you realise that if he was prepared to overstep then his lack of respect, integrity and ability to stand by his family and vows meant he was a man of low value and not worth pursuing. A liar is never a good partner. Then avoid him or if it’s that bad change jobs.

I wish you well and hope you get over him quickly.

Original poster
curtainsandpillows · 02/09/2023 19:39

Trenchfootinthescottishhighlandstoday · 02/09/2023 19:27

Imagine he left his dw for you. Your life would be wondering if he was cheating on YOU..

Yes, this is absolutely what I would be thinking if that happened. Thank you.

OP posts:
Original poster
curtainsandpillows · 02/09/2023 19:41

Grahambella · 02/09/2023 19:36

We all find people attractive every day but you never open the window to let them in (or know how you feel).

Read cheating in a nutshell.

Read how to help your spouse heal from your affair.

Read ‘not just friends’.

Read the surviving infidelity website.

You will then see the reality of cheating. It causes ptsd in the victims. It can cause kids to stop speaking to their parent. It causes trauma and pain. It’s not fun and frolics as depicted on Tv, film and in books.

If this was an EA then seek therapy to see why you opened the window. No-one and nothing will allow someone to step over their own boundary or betray their own vows or lose their integrity. If you have overstepped find out why. Use it as a wake up call to improve your life and self and work on your marriage. I won’t cheat even if my husband pisses me off, not for him but because I made a vow and I am not prepared to betray myself and my values for anyone. They are my values and they matter to me.

Hopefully all of the books will make you realise that if he was prepared to overstep then his lack of respect, integrity and ability to stand by his family and vows meant he was a man of low value and not worth pursuing. A liar is never a good partner. Then avoid him or if it’s that bad change jobs.

I wish you well and hope you get over him quickly.

I will take a look at those suggestions, I think it's a case of EA because he gives me what I don't get at home. I suppose I'm not very happy with my own life, so I am looking for excitement and attention.

OP posts:
NotMadeOfStone · 02/09/2023 19:53

I don't know. I'm a year in and it feels like it will never go away.

Watching this thread to see if anyone has a genius idea that is some way short of a lobotomy.

Original poster
curtainsandpillows · 02/09/2023 20:01

NotMadeOfStone · 02/09/2023 19:53

I don't know. I'm a year in and it feels like it will never go away.

Watching this thread to see if anyone has a genius idea that is some way short of a lobotomy.

It's the most frustrating feeling in the world, what is your situation?

OP posts:
NotMadeOfStone · 02/09/2023 20:04

Married. Fell in love with a friend absolutely out of the blue. Have spent the last year acting insane. Have managed not to act on it despite a few near miss moments, but it's been an intense emotional affair.

Due to circumstances it's actually unlikely I'll see him much now (we've both moved so are quite far apart now) but that hasn't helped at all.

I wake up every day and he's there. I'm working and he's there. Driving, he's there. Talking to my kids, he's there.

I'm scared I'll never ever get past it. And he's not mine.

Grahambella · 02/09/2023 20:08

You are talking about ‘unmet needs’. But that doesn’t mean you turn to someone else. Relationships will (if we are lucky) meet 80% of our needs. Honestly read the books. There is a high chance if you have unmet needs so does your husband. Is it okay for him to have an emotional affair? If not why not? If it is acceptable then have an open relationship. Talk about it with him.

Also NMEA needs makes no sense. Why can some people have unmet needs and not look for others to meet them but others need validation to get a sense of self worth?

Cheating is on the cheater. They betray themselves first.

Read Gottman books and ask your husband to read the books.
Or if your marriage is that bad have Gottman style counselling to make sure you can’t make it better and leave with dignity.

But mainly talk to your husband and find out how you can make your marriage (that you presumably chose to enter) better. Put all that time, thinking, pining etc into your husband and family. Or ask for an open marriage so he can join the affair party.

But read the books - I don’t know how anyone could cheat after reading them.

Grahambella · 02/09/2023 20:08

Unmet not NMEA whatever that means.

gamerchick · 02/09/2023 20:14

You address what's lacking in your marriage and talk to your husband about getting the bond back.

Original poster
curtainsandpillows · 02/09/2023 20:19

NotMadeOfStone · 02/09/2023 20:04

Married. Fell in love with a friend absolutely out of the blue. Have spent the last year acting insane. Have managed not to act on it despite a few near miss moments, but it's been an intense emotional affair.

Due to circumstances it's actually unlikely I'll see him much now (we've both moved so are quite far apart now) but that hasn't helped at all.

I wake up every day and he's there. I'm working and he's there. Driving, he's there. Talking to my kids, he's there.

I'm scared I'll never ever get past it. And he's not mine.

I just know exactly how you feel . It's painful.
It's not something that is ever going to happen so why does it feel like such intense heartache?
It's almost like he's living in my head.

OP posts:
Lightme · 02/09/2023 21:23

There's two ways we develop feelings for people:

  1. Spending time with them and them meeting our needs and fulfilling desires we have for positive, close connection
  1. Imagining the above

As you're doing the latter it means your marriage probable isn't achieving point 1.

Why don't you start by listing here your 10 most important needs and evaluating which your DH meets.

That's a good starting point

Masterofhappydays · 02/09/2023 22:10

Lightme · 02/09/2023 21:23

There's two ways we develop feelings for people:

  1. Spending time with them and them meeting our needs and fulfilling desires we have for positive, close connection
  1. Imagining the above

As you're doing the latter it means your marriage probable isn't achieving point 1.

Why don't you start by listing here your 10 most important needs and evaluating which your DH meets.

That's a good starting point

I don’t think this is true. It’s more complex than that. You could have all your needs met by a spouse but still fall for someone else.

anonanon12345 · 02/09/2023 22:49

I'd focus on how grim it is that he's meeting your needs when you are both married, in any sense. What a shitter of a moral compass that is. There will be similar such qualities that you don't have a clue about with your arms length knowledge of him. Imagine shacking up together and him doing this to someone else...it's probably a personality trait. I think it's incredibly rare someone behaves like this as as a one off with somebody.

RandomForest · 02/09/2023 23:11

anonanon12345 · 02/09/2023 22:49

I'd focus on how grim it is that he's meeting your needs when you are both married, in any sense. What a shitter of a moral compass that is. There will be similar such qualities that you don't have a clue about with your arms length knowledge of him. Imagine shacking up together and him doing this to someone else...it's probably a personality trait. I think it's incredibly rare someone behaves like this as as a one off with somebody.

I agree,

A person incapable of love is capable of numerous non real loving relationships.

And every cheater I've known has always had other qualities of selfishness that they are happy to apply to other areas of their life.
Cheaters don't mind lying, it means nothing to them.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 02/09/2023 23:32

I think approaching it from a more inquisitive and psychological aspect is going to help you more than berating yourself

as a pp said he’s (right now and mainly in your head ) meeting some needs

ive had such crushes when I was with my ex but happily they always passed

this one hasn’t and why is that ?

if it’s 2 years in its not going anywhere so maybe time for some soul searching and learning and thinking

Ontobetterthings · 03/09/2023 00:21

Is it possible he is the one

pinkfondu · 03/09/2023 00:27

Enjoy the fantasy but know the reality is probably the same as your RL. Washing his pants is no sexy!

Mybusyday · 03/09/2023 00:34

I can totally empathise. Has anything physical ever happened or are the feelings you have from spending time with this person?

Iwantitidontwantit · 03/09/2023 01:11

My advice is to do whatever it takes to be a decent person! Genuinely, why be in a relationship if this is how you feel? You either love the person you are with, or you don't. Either way is fine, as life happens. What's not ok is a 2 year emotional affair. How would you feel if your other half did this to you?

yeahthisisit · 03/09/2023 07:25

We all find people attractive every day

We do?

Luluissleeping · 03/09/2023 08:41

Ontobetterthings · 03/09/2023 00:21

Is it possible he is the one

No such thing as "the one". There can be many "the ones;" personally hate that terminology. OP, distract yourself, these things are often that you are lacking something that fulfills you. Life with kids can be relentless. We lose ourselves a bit.

NotMadeOfStone · 03/09/2023 11:31

I do think there's a point where your kids get a bit older and you suddenly look around and go 'who did I used to be, and who am I now?' And that can open a lot of slightly scary doors. It has for me anyway.

Mummysgogetter · 03/09/2023 11:49

Sometimes it’s just about the excitement of possibility that reminds you of your youth and the potential for romance. No matter how happy a marriage, those first heady feelings of lust, adrenaline, admiration and romance cannot be recaptured with one’s own partner. It’s about recognition of this and getting tough with yourself. Attraction is in your own head - it is your own thoughts about him that make him irresistible. Put a stop to those thoughts; every-time you start to think about him bring to your thoughts the recognition of the frustration and heartache this fantasy is having on you. Keep doing this and eventually you will associate him with feeing emotional pain rather than pleasure.

Original poster
curtainsandpillows · 03/09/2023 12:07

Mummysgogetter · 03/09/2023 11:49

Sometimes it’s just about the excitement of possibility that reminds you of your youth and the potential for romance. No matter how happy a marriage, those first heady feelings of lust, adrenaline, admiration and romance cannot be recaptured with one’s own partner. It’s about recognition of this and getting tough with yourself. Attraction is in your own head - it is your own thoughts about him that make him irresistible. Put a stop to those thoughts; every-time you start to think about him bring to your thoughts the recognition of the frustration and heartache this fantasy is having on you. Keep doing this and eventually you will associate him with feeing emotional pain rather than pleasure.

I think this has hit the nail on the head. Thank you.

OP posts: