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Original poster

How to turn off feelings for someone I shouldn't have feelings for...

80 replies

curtainsandpillows · 02/09/2023 19:22

How do you stop having feelings for someone you shouldn’t have feelings for?

He’s married and so I am.
I would have thought it was just a harmless crush at first, however it’s been 2 years I’ve felt like this.
He’s certainly not my type looks wise, it’s the personality!

How do you just turn the feelings off? Stop thinking about them?

I do have to see them on a semi regular basis through work but we don’t work together or even at the same workplace which I thought would make it easier!?

The way I feel is like when you split up with a boyfriend, a kind of heartache that nothing can or will happen.

Any advice please?

OP posts:
GilbertMarkham · 03/09/2023 12:09

yeahthisisit · 03/09/2023 07:25

We all find people attractive every day

We do?

Yes, most people do.

Not sure why this is a question.

beastlyslumber · 03/09/2023 12:13

Google "limerence".

Original poster
curtainsandpillows · 03/09/2023 12:17

Thanks all for your replies and advise.

Just to clarify, I absolutely do not want anything to happen with this person. There is not EA, it's more a one sided desire.

Hence why I want to know how to stop feeling this way.

I think after being married for 11 years, I've started to yearn for some excitement in life. The thrill I have created in my head is such a different scenario to the boring day to day life I am living, work, school runs, cooking, cleaning and lack of a social life outside those areas that it's become addictive to have these feelings. Almost like escapism?

I think I'm going to try find ways to improve my own life enjoyment through other means, rather than obsess on some bizarre fantasy that is not going to happen.

OP posts:
Original poster
curtainsandpillows · 03/09/2023 12:19

beastlyslumber · 03/09/2023 12:13

Google "limerence".

Just googled this, I hadn't heard of this before, but it really does some it up!

OP posts:
beastlyslumber · 03/09/2023 12:20

curtainsandpillows · 03/09/2023 12:19

Just googled this, I hadn't heard of this before, but it really does some it up!

Show quote history

The Crappy childhood Fairy on YouTube has some great short videos and coaching about limerence, OP. It might help xx

NotMadeOfStone · 03/09/2023 12:21

I read something a while ago that said 'you don't want him, you want him to want you'.

That has helped me because I see truth in it. I have really changed, lost a lot of weight, found new interests, and I loved that he only saw the who I am now.

Completely unfairly, it frustrates me that my husband doesn't really see me as I am now; he loved me when I was five stones heavier for goodness' sake. So someone to come along and find me amazing and hot...it's been sort of intoxicating.

And yes I do recognise that this makes me a fucking bitch.

There's a lot going on and I'm struggling with all the complex threads of why I've plunged headfirst into this madness. I really need therapy to resolve it I think...but how am I supposed to spin that to my husband 🤷🏻‍♀️

Original poster
curtainsandpillows · 03/09/2023 12:48

NotMadeOfStone · 03/09/2023 12:21

I read something a while ago that said 'you don't want him, you want him to want you'.

That has helped me because I see truth in it. I have really changed, lost a lot of weight, found new interests, and I loved that he only saw the who I am now.

Completely unfairly, it frustrates me that my husband doesn't really see me as I am now; he loved me when I was five stones heavier for goodness' sake. So someone to come along and find me amazing and hot...it's been sort of intoxicating.

And yes I do recognise that this makes me a fucking bitch.

There's a lot going on and I'm struggling with all the complex threads of why I've plunged headfirst into this madness. I really need therapy to resolve it I think...but how am I supposed to spin that to my husband 🤷🏻‍♀️

This is like reading my life, I've recently lost 5 stone, trying to improve appearance and health (for me, not for anyone else) and my husband just doesn't seem to notice at all.
He seems to have no physical interest in me.
This morning I've also been looking at therapists locally online as I think I'm well and truly on some sort of path to a breakdown trying to work out who I am, what I want and how I've gone from such a fun and carefree person to who I am now.
However, it's looking to be at about £85 per hour and i'd most likely need at least one session a week for most likely a couple of months. Maybe it will be money well spent?

OP posts:
Original poster
curtainsandpillows · 03/09/2023 12:50

@beastlyslumber
I will check that out thank you, i can't believe I'd never heard of limerence before. It really makes a lot more sense now. I'm not in love or heartbroken, I'm in limerence! Now to stop feeling like this and work on overcoming it.
Hopefully the videos will be beneficial and give me a steer in the right direction.

OP posts:
LAMLC2011 · 03/09/2023 13:26

I am deep into this right now. Crushing on a man I had an EA with years ago.

I don't know how to stop it, but I do know it's a case of, as someone said up thread,
"I don't want him, I want him to want me"

I can't get him out of my head.

Original poster
curtainsandpillows · 03/09/2023 13:43

LAMLC2011 · 03/09/2023 13:26

I am deep into this right now. Crushing on a man I had an EA with years ago.

I don't know how to stop it, but I do know it's a case of, as someone said up thread,
"I don't want him, I want him to want me"

I can't get him out of my head.

Solidarity to you, why do we do this to ourselves?

OP posts:
beastlyslumber · 03/09/2023 15:38

curtainsandpillows · 03/09/2023 12:50

@beastlyslumber
I will check that out thank you, i can't believe I'd never heard of limerence before. It really makes a lot more sense now. I'm not in love or heartbroken, I'm in limerence! Now to stop feeling like this and work on overcoming it.
Hopefully the videos will be beneficial and give me a steer in the right direction.

I've been there too OP so I get it. Hope you find the videos useful - if not there are other therapists on YouTube who talk about limerence too. YouTube is brilliant for mental health resources xx

yeahyeahyeh · 03/09/2023 20:11

I'm going through this, it's been over a year though it's reciprocated but unspoken. It's torture.

Mummysgogetter · 03/09/2023 20:31

yeahyeahyeh · 03/09/2023 20:11

I'm going through this, it's been over a year though it's reciprocated but unspoken. It's torture.

Hi yeahyeahyeh,
can u tel me how you know it’s reciprocated, even if it’s unspoken? I said the same thing to a friend about a guy I liked and she said unless he comes right out and says he feels the same, it’s just speculation 😳

NotMadeOfStone · 03/09/2023 20:48

I know mine is reciprocated.

I can tell by the way he touches me; we were always quite tactile but it's become quite...sexy I guess.

He also tried to talk to me about it once but I shut it down. And regret it.

Tiredofthiss · 03/09/2023 21:11

NotMadeOfStone · 03/09/2023 20:48

I know mine is reciprocated.

I can tell by the way he touches me; we were always quite tactile but it's become quite...sexy I guess.

He also tried to talk to me about it once but I shut it down. And regret it.

How was it an emotional affair if nothing was talked about or happened? How can you know it's not one sided. I sometimes think we make it up in our head and that's part of the limmerance that fills in the gaps.

Mummysgogetter · 03/09/2023 21:33

Tiredofthiss · 03/09/2023 21:11

How was it an emotional affair if nothing was talked about or happened? How can you know it's not one sided. I sometimes think we make it up in our head and that's part of the limmerance that fills in the gaps.

Show quote history

Yes I think I have been guilty of filling in the gaps in the past. It’s sobering and grounding to remember that unless something is specifically said, there’s no guarantee of mutuality.

I remember looking back at my behaviour with one male member of our team at work who I absolutely did not have feelings for, but I used to go into his private office quite a bit to say “morning” and “bye”. I even once confessed to having struggles in my marriage. I also joked about it being the second time he’d rescued me that day. I was semi-flirting (albeit not seriously) for shits and giggles. All this behaviour taken together could have absolutely given him the impression I had feelings for him but I definitely didn’t. Liked him as a person, yeah, but that’s it.

I think when we are romanticising these events in our head, it can be helpful to pour cold truth water on to them to stop us living in possible delusion and getting hurt by the truth.

NotMadeOfStone · 03/09/2023 21:57

Well we had two incidents where we almost kissed, and one where he tried to talk to me by saying 'we might be too close in a lot of ways. What do you think?' And I said we wouldn't discuss it any further because no good could come of it.

But yeah. I probably do read too much into small moments. It's all part of the unfortunate insanity of the midlife crisis isn't it!

NotMadeOfStone · 03/09/2023 22:02

Oh god, and now I'm remembering conversations we had about our respective marriages. Admitting we each had issues.

Urgh. It was all just a million tiny ways to get closer. And we did. And now I don't know if my heart will never be not broken, will never be a tiny bit not his.

I hope so. It's a long life when you have to hide such a large part of who you've become.

Mummysgogetter · 03/09/2023 22:06

NotMadeOfStone · 03/09/2023 22:02

Oh god, and now I'm remembering conversations we had about our respective marriages. Admitting we each had issues.

Urgh. It was all just a million tiny ways to get closer. And we did. And now I don't know if my heart will never be not broken, will never be a tiny bit not his.

I hope so. It's a long life when you have to hide such a large part of who you've become.

@NotMadeOfStone are you still married? (Absolutely no judgement from me) if yes, do you love your husband still? If someone could wave a magic wand and give you anything, (no matter how obscure it seems now), you want what would that be?

Tiredofthiss · 03/09/2023 22:10

NotMadeOfStone · 03/09/2023 22:02

Oh god, and now I'm remembering conversations we had about our respective marriages. Admitting we each had issues.

Urgh. It was all just a million tiny ways to get closer. And we did. And now I don't know if my heart will never be not broken, will never be a tiny bit not his.

I hope so. It's a long life when you have to hide such a large part of who you've become.

Ah yeah I think that's how it starts. Sad thing is they go home happy to their partner most the time. Who someone is at work is not who they are at home. He may seem charming remember but he probably isn't that nice to his wife at home. How did he try to talk to you about it if it's at work I never get that aren't people around? How do you almost kiss someone? I been there but I can't make sense of it anymore. Helps hearing other peoples situations.

Tiredofthiss · 03/09/2023 22:19

Mine was mostly online so I guess it didn't feel 'real' but then we met up and it burnt out after a few months but I did it because I feel stuck and a *duty to stay as a family.

Tiredofthiss · 03/09/2023 22:50

NotMadeOfStone · 03/09/2023 21:57

Well we had two incidents where we almost kissed, and one where he tried to talk to me by saying 'we might be too close in a lot of ways. What do you think?' And I said we wouldn't discuss it any further because no good could come of it.

But yeah. I probably do read too much into small moments. It's all part of the unfortunate insanity of the midlife crisis isn't it!

At least nothing happened so you are getting over the what ifs maybe that's worse isn't it. My mind can be so cruel. How did you stop contact it's so hard.

NotMadeOfStone · 03/09/2023 23:07

We were out drinking @Tiredofthiss and the last two people left.

NotMadeOfStone · 03/09/2023 23:08

Oh and the other time we were in a meeting room...

NotMadeOfStone · 03/09/2023 23:08

Contact hasn't stopped; we still text all the time but don't see each other often.