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Original poster

How to turn off feelings for someone I shouldn't have feelings for...

80 replies

curtainsandpillows · 02/09/2023 19:22

How do you stop having feelings for someone you shouldn’t have feelings for?

He’s married and so I am.
I would have thought it was just a harmless crush at first, however it’s been 2 years I’ve felt like this.
He’s certainly not my type looks wise, it’s the personality!

How do you just turn the feelings off? Stop thinking about them?

I do have to see them on a semi regular basis through work but we don’t work together or even at the same workplace which I thought would make it easier!?

The way I feel is like when you split up with a boyfriend, a kind of heartache that nothing can or will happen.

Any advice please?

OP posts:
Tiredofthiss · 03/09/2023 23:13

I understand the texting that's what I find hard, it's less now but hard to break the cycle. Do you just message as friends? Or hoping it'll escalate? I think I'm kidding myself.

Hawkins0009 · 03/09/2023 23:13

sometimes its certainly odd feelings, i guess manage expectations day by day

NotMadeOfStone · 03/09/2023 23:21

It's just as friends, there are absolutely no inappropriate conversations. I just don't know if there's a subtext there or if we are firmly in the friend zone; we probably are.

It's just - he became a very large part of my life. A lot of things came with our friendship. And it's hard to lose all of it at once.

And I don't even know if I actually fancy him; it's not like I talk to him and get butterflies or anything. It's just a feeling of...I don't know, rightness?

Either he got caught up in my midlife crisis, or it's beyond 'fancying' and I genuinely don't know how to move past him being in my life.

Who the fuck knows. I actually may see him this week and it'll provide no answers I'm sure.

Jonti23 · 03/09/2023 23:25

Oh my, how self indulgent and self absorbed. Feelings happen but this is taking it too far. Indulging in a bit more self absorption by having strangers tell you it’s ok. Well…it’s vile. He’s flattering your ego, or at least you need it flattered. Get a grip, look out for your kids, stop thinking about yourself and st least ask yourself why you’d like to rip a family apart, for the sake of your ego. Time for looking was before kids and family, get some focus and do not self indulge if you can help it. Life is short, at least allow yr kids to grow up before you embark on this kamikaze relationship that will not add to your happiness but rather bring you a tonne of complications.

Jonti23 · 03/09/2023 23:29

Actually ignore what I said above, having read yr posts it sounds like yr husband is not giving u any attention. This could mean his head is turned elsewhere. If you are both wondering in the cloud of limerance it’s likely one is acting on it. Do check it out, it could explain a lot. If you do find out he’s cheating, you may both get a chance of growing up together through the experience.

Liveorex15t · 03/09/2023 23:48

I'd recommend procuring the highest dose of anti depressants that you can from your GP. They really numb the emotions. I specifically asked for something to wipe out my feelings so I could still serve the family as a wife and mother but not think about what I don't like and what 'could have been'.
Ruthless, but the only way I'm holding this family together.

harerunner · 04/09/2023 06:13

Ontobetterthings · 03/09/2023 00:21

Is it possible he is the one

No, because there's no such thing as "the one". The idea that the gods have designated one person out of 8 billion to be your "one true love" is a ridiculous and damaging concept.

MaryBeery · 04/09/2023 06:27

For me it was mentally slapping myself upside the head every time my thoughts drifted in that direction, and reminding myself of all the reasons why it was never going to happen, and all the reasons why we weren't actually that well suited. It took a fair amount of time, but worked sufficiently well that I went to his wedding and was genuinely happy for him.

user1492757084 · 04/09/2023 06:49

Think long term and think real.

Long term you want better.
Make some real improvements to your happiness and enjoyment every week. Change things up.

Improve your reality.

Treat ignoring the person as a professional goal.

Reward your success with sensual or romantic weekends away with your spouse.

Ladybug14 · 04/09/2023 07:05

The thing is - crush, limerance, EA......we don't really know the person.

We haven't been with them in their Dressing Gown of Doom or watched as they leave the bathroom in a disgusting mess.

We idolise them without knowing the whole picture , we don't know all the facts

I remember seeing a photo/video of my crush one time... ..taken with him at his very worst and I thought.....NO, that's not R? But it was. Awful. An insight into who he truly was.

My crush died very quickly and I realised that idolising someone without knowing them, is SUCH a waste of my time

NotMadeOfStone · 04/09/2023 07:24

Well...yeah, of course!

I've been married for a looooong time and am frankly pretty au fait with the farts and grumpiness and all too real habits of my DH.

The point is that Crush Guy and I only get the very best of each other; I always wonder why people say that like it's a gotcha.

It doesn't make it easier in any way tbh.

Original poster
curtainsandpillows · 04/09/2023 07:43

Jonti23 · 03/09/2023 23:25

Oh my, how self indulgent and self absorbed. Feelings happen but this is taking it too far. Indulging in a bit more self absorption by having strangers tell you it’s ok. Well…it’s vile. He’s flattering your ego, or at least you need it flattered. Get a grip, look out for your kids, stop thinking about yourself and st least ask yourself why you’d like to rip a family apart, for the sake of your ego. Time for looking was before kids and family, get some focus and do not self indulge if you can help it. Life is short, at least allow yr kids to grow up before you embark on this kamikaze relationship that will not add to your happiness but rather bring you a tonne of complications.

Not sure if you've read any of the thread, but I don't want to rip anyone's family apart.. I am asking how to get over feelings for someone, not asking for advise on how to hook up with him...

OP posts:
NotMadeOfStone · 04/09/2023 07:49

It's a funny thing though. This is just about the only topic on MN that it's hard to get any support on.

You can post about not liking your kids and get all the advice and support in the world, for example. but it's not the done thing to admit you've developed feelings for someone else - which is not always in the OPs control.

If this could have never happened to me, I'd be much happier. But I woke up one day and it was like someone else's brain has been transplanted into my head. If I could rub it all out I would, but I can't.

Original poster
curtainsandpillows · 04/09/2023 07:55

NotMadeOfStone · 04/09/2023 07:49

It's a funny thing though. This is just about the only topic on MN that it's hard to get any support on.

You can post about not liking your kids and get all the advice and support in the world, for example. but it's not the done thing to admit you've developed feelings for someone else - which is not always in the OPs control.

If this could have never happened to me, I'd be much happier. But I woke up one day and it was like someone else's brain has been transplanted into my head. If I could rub it all out I would, but I can't.

Apart from one poster on here, I've found the comments really helpful. It's nice to get advice and also to see I'm not alone in feeling this way.

The mind is a strange thing!

In real life, I'm the most boring, average person. You wouldn't even think I'd have such a mess in my head or personal life.

Everything from the outside looks perfect to others. So mumsnet is the only place I feel I could put this out there.

Time for some soul searching, and should that fail, maybe a trip to the doctors for some antidepressants, as maybe I am feeling down, hence my craving for excitement.

OP posts:
NotMadeOfStone · 04/09/2023 07:56

Yes this thread has been pretty unusually understanding actually!

RoadLess · 04/09/2023 08:06

Masterofhappydays · 02/09/2023 22:10

I don’t think this is true. It’s more complex than that. You could have all your needs met by a spouse but still fall for someone else.

Show quote history

Absolutely. I adore my husband, and he meets a lot of my needs, and there’s nothing at all ‘wrong’ with our relationship, but turns out that doesn’t make you magically immune to falling for someone else.

It’s not mutual, I’ve never acted on it, the man in question is completely unaware, I don’t seek him out and we see one another far less these days, by my choice, but it’s been a year and a half.

NotMadeOfStone · 04/09/2023 09:00

@RoadLess could have written your message.

Nothing wrong in my marriage until this bomb exploded. If you'd told me this would happen even the day before, I'd have died laughing at you.

I didn't act on it when I had the chance; I'm relieved but also full of regret.

Mummysgogetter · 04/09/2023 09:03

curtainsandpillows · 04/09/2023 07:43

Not sure if you've read any of the thread, but I don't want to rip anyone's family apart.. I am asking how to get over feelings for someone, not asking for advise on how to hook up with him...

Show quote history

@curtainsandpillows ignore posters like the above - they are likely projecting and taking their venom out on you. It's obvious you are not looking for permission to have an affair because you asked for advice how to get rid of feelings. Really don't understand why people like this post!

MsRosley · 04/09/2023 16:22

Read up on limerance. It might be useful to explore what he might represent to you and how it might point to something missing in your life.

CurlewSponge · 04/09/2023 19:13

I wish I knew the answer on how to stop feeling this way. There are always people that tell you to 'get a hold of yourself' but I am 4 years down the line and it causes me pain every day.

Life isn't always as straight forward as cutting the person out of your life. It's just not always possible for plenty of reasons but I live in hope that one day I look back and wonder what I was thinking.

I know the good, the bad and the ugly - I really have been there for lots of the ugly and all it's done is make me feel closer to them.

When someone hits upon the magic off switch, please let me know

NotMadeOfStone · 04/09/2023 19:41

Urgh god four years?!

I am scared I'll have to live with it forever.

BounceyB · 04/09/2023 19:49

You're feelings aren't real. Deal with your relationship and the feelings for this man will disappear.

mangochops · 04/09/2023 20:04

I think there are several different causes of this:

  1. A general feeling of restlessness/boredom at home with the daily routine and missing that dopamine rush of attraction/attention. Crushes can absolutely create dopamine pathways in the brain so you get a chemical reward as well
  2. Highly imaginal fantasy life- I am like this, I very much live in my head and find it very easy to day dream and visualise different scenarios during the day. This isnt necessarily a bad thing but it can be when its used to lust after someone you cant have and the fantasising makes it 10000 times worse. Its not helpful because the fantasies arent realistic and can help to create a version of that person in your mind that isnt based in reality, but instead on your ideal version of them that only exists in your imagination (a version that they could never, ever live up to even IF you ended up together because they arent actually like that in real life). That version then gets reinforced in your subconscious over and over again until it feels real. But it actually isnt.
  3. Dissatisfaction/disappointment with your current relationship causing low mood, feeling unsupported, perhaps unloved etc Or, other life stresses, causing escaping into this fantasy version of the other person becoming even more attractive as both a distraction to life's worries and also some kind of "answer" to these problems.

How to stop it?- well, there is a saying that there exists inside of us all two fighting wolves- one bad and one good. Which one wins?- the one you feed. The one you dont feed withers and dies. Therefore, stopping this will mean stopping all this dreamy fantasising about how perfect this guy is. He isnt. Stop the fantasising and you will have gone half way to end this. This all begins and ends in our own heads.

NotMadeOfStone · 04/09/2023 20:09

BounceyB · 04/09/2023 19:49

You're feelings aren't real. Deal with your relationship and the feelings for this man will disappear.

I don't think it's as easy as just dismissing these feelings are not real. They are devastatingly and cripplingly real, and often totally out of our control.