Husband: “make me feel horny, at least once in your life”

[EE13]

I am completely at a loss here and don’t know what to do anymore. These were my husband’s words to me this morning in bed. Needless to say I got up without a word and left our room. We are married now 3 and a half years with a 3 month old baby. His behavior has totally changed since the birth and I really don’t know what to do anymore. Little bit of background about us: baby was 100% planned, as we are 42 and 46 years old and when I was 39 we started IVF which was grueling,, we had 5 viable embryos, 3 didn’t catch, baby is number 4, so we still have one embryo frozen. Husband was very very supportive throughout the entire process, actually I was about to sort of give up and was saying to him that I can be happy by just being the two of us but actually I had the feeling that he desired the baby more then i did. When I got pregnant he was entirely supportive the whole time, actually from this point I miss being pregnant because since the birth of the baby everything turned upside down. It’s like he is missing our old life but doesn’t really say so just acts so childish and spoiled. Obviously I don’t have time to cook gourmet meals anymore ( I love cooking) and the house is also a mess sometimes… I am currently staying at home with the baby, he is working 4 times a week ( we are very comfortably off), he doesn’t have pressure from work point of view. Baby is super amazing and now he started to even sleep through the night already which makes things much easier. Still my husband seems so unhappy and has been behaving so unreasonably. In the first two months of baby’s life two times he called me ‘stupid woman’ when we had an argument, which hurt like hell but I attributed it to tiredness. I admit the first two months were difficult, but since then things have improved and we are sleeping so much better. So I don’t understand today’s hurtful frase. Our sex life has been good so far, and since the birth of the baby ( c-section ) we had sex already two times.
I really don’t know what to do here anymore, I just feel that his words/ behavior is killing the love that I have for him. What shall I do? If I wouldn’t have the baby at this point I would start searching for a divorce lawyer…. Am I exaggerating? Did any of you have similar experience? Is he going through some kind of depression? What shall I do?

Unfortunately OP, some men don't like the change babies bring to their lives.

He sounds like a nasty arsehole who is becoming a bit abusive.

What he said to you this morning was vicious and designed to wound you.

I would be looking at moving out of the bedroom and would be considering your options.

I certainly wouldn't be putting up with this treatment of you.

I can well imagine your love for him evaporating.

He sounds like a bratty toddler.

I hope you have family/friends to support you and that you are returning to work full-time.

I really wouldn't be placing long term trust in him.

I'm so sorry.

He sounds really unkind; like his fantasy idea of having a baby isn’t matching reality and he’s taking it out on you

Unfortunately his treatment is likely to get worse. Do yourself a favour and don't accept this abuse.

Have you spoken to him about it? What’s his reaction?

Sit with him on a day when things are calm, grab a gin tonic and politely, nicely tell him exactly calmly what you wrote in this thread.

I'm sorry you are going through this.

Being a new mum is exhausting and you need support and not nasty comments from him.

Have you had a conversation with him about how his change in behaviour is upsetting you? It should be obvious that this sort of behaviour is unacceptable, but he might change his attitude if you make him explain himself and tell him how he's hurting you.

I hope things get better for you

Thank you for your kind words. It means a lot. I do have family, but dad is currently undergoing chemotherapy treatment for cancer. He and mum weren’t able to visit us yet ( they live far away). And I wasn’t telling them about my marriage problems because they have quite a lot on their plate currently. As to friends I feel very ashamed because I have many single girlfriends of my age and they were looking at us like we are sort of a fairy tale that you can find love at35+ and to admit that that might not be the case I feel like a total failure….

No real advice but .
The word horny just makes me cringe .

If i had a partner that said that it would put me right off .

Yes I did, this morning. He said he was sorry. Like the last two times he called me stupid woman. I just feel it’s not enough anymore. These hurtful words you can’t cancel just by saying “sorry “. How am I supposed to have sex with him again ? Honestly I feel dead inside

I know . Same effect on me, too, unfortunately

He might have PPD (yes, men can get it, or something very like it). If it's such a sudden change in his personality, he might need treatment. Can you speak to your health worker?

He might have PPD and at the very least sounds like he isn’t coping with having a baby.
you don’t deserve to be treated like that. I’m glad you can talk here

I read about it but sorry how is it even possible? I went through an horrible IVF experience. I was throwing up multiple times per day for four months. I got pregnancy diabetes, had to control blood sugar levels and could barely eat anything for last two months of pregnancy. I had a c-section and the scar is still painful. Never ever complained. And he has the depression???

You say this is someone who was the perfect supportive partner until three months ago. You need to pull him up on this stuff but considering splitting up three months into having a baby is a bad move. It’s a hugely stressful time for both sides and you both need to cut each other some slack till you find your feet.

I spent years with my ex that would say hurtful things small things at the start it was always im sorry and we would move on.
Over the years it just got worse and he would say much worse and it dragged me down to the point i was just a shell of who i was .
I left in the end as i could not take it anymore .
But now im on the out side looking back i can see all the red flags its how they start with the controlling behaviour they start small and wear you down befor you now it your walking on egg shells .
The sex part is always the same your always tired you would do if you love me bla bla bla .
Ive been there and it doesnt get better .

I agree with the comment, total cringe. You just had a baby 3 months ago, a human the size of a melon being came out of your private parts, your hormones are out of whack, you're trying to recover physically and mentally from this ordeal but it's difficult because you have a crying/pissing/shitting/hungry toddler who demands your total attention and has not let you properly sleep. This is one of the most challenging times in the life of a woman, hence here you have your partner belittling you for not being a pornstar to fill his needs? calling you a "stupid woman" at this vulnerable times is unbelievable. This man has zero empathy, was he like that before?

Tell your partner he can FU-K off and come back when he's willing to collaborate, be helpful and not become another problem for you.

You definitely need to tell someone what's going on. Midwife? Health visitor? Former work colleague? Are any of your friends a bit more sensible (cos that 'living the dream' thing is very silly for a woman in her 30s or 40s...)

If no-one comes to mind phone Women's Aid.

Surely its up to HIM to make you want to make him feel horny, by being the best Dad and most supportive husband who doesnt pressure you? 3 months after giving birth, feeling horny was the last thing on my mind.

It does sound like a bizarre turnaround from him, if previously he has been a decent person. May be a medical reason? Porn? Is he struggling to adjust to life with a new baby after decades of living without the ties? He needs to work through this himself. You need to focus on your health and your new baby for now.

I think it’s difficult for him to adjust to the new situation being alone for a very long time of his life.

What he said to you is pretty unforgivable. Total misogyny. Hateful.

Sorry OP.

Don't worry about the disillusionment of your friends; this is your life.

I know it’s silly. But I think in the end it’s my problem and I find it difficult to admit even to myself that the person I married is not what I thought he was…

I'm sorry you went through all that but yes dad's can get depression.

Or maybe he is, but is clearly not in the right mind just now. How about you acknowledge just how hurt you are but frame it under concern:

"DH, I am still so hurt and upset by you saying what you did this morning. It makes me feel sick, belittled and like you've never really fancied me at all...but I am actually also really worried that you would NEVER have spoken to me like this before, are you okay? Is there something wrong with you to make you act like this?"

Type of thing... that way you dont downplay how it has impacted you but equally you dont write him off.

I know, unfortunately. I also started to think about my son and if this is the kind of message I want him to get when it comes to women. Obviously, not.

Truth be told, it just sounds like he feels unwanted.

Yes, you've been through a lot and you shouldn't do anything you don't want to do... but the comment "make me feel horny" suggests he feels you're not attracted to him sexually and you're not making him feel like it isn't an eager thing.

I am literally JUST going by that phrase... HOW he worded it is wrong and slightly aggressive, and you have every right to feel a bit of awkwardness and 'ick' though.

Could that be the case? Is sex mostly instigated by him? When sex happens, are you active or more passive?