Husband: “make me feel horny, at least once in your life”

[EE13]

I am completely at a loss here and don’t know what to do anymore. These were my husband’s words to me this morning in bed. Needless to say I got up without a word and left our room. We are married now 3 and a half years with a 3 month old baby. His behavior has totally changed since the birth and I really don’t know what to do anymore. Little bit of background about us: baby was 100% planned, as we are 42 and 46 years old and when I was 39 we started IVF which was grueling,, we had 5 viable embryos, 3 didn’t catch, baby is number 4, so we still have one embryo frozen. Husband was very very supportive throughout the entire process, actually I was about to sort of give up and was saying to him that I can be happy by just being the two of us but actually I had the feeling that he desired the baby more then i did. When I got pregnant he was entirely supportive the whole time, actually from this point I miss being pregnant because since the birth of the baby everything turned upside down. It’s like he is missing our old life but doesn’t really say so just acts so childish and spoiled. Obviously I don’t have time to cook gourmet meals anymore ( I love cooking) and the house is also a mess sometimes… I am currently staying at home with the baby, he is working 4 times a week ( we are very comfortably off), he doesn’t have pressure from work point of view. Baby is super amazing and now he started to even sleep through the night already which makes things much easier. Still my husband seems so unhappy and has been behaving so unreasonably. In the first two months of baby’s life two times he called me ‘stupid woman’ when we had an argument, which hurt like hell but I attributed it to tiredness. I admit the first two months were difficult, but since then things have improved and we are sleeping so much better. So I don’t understand today’s hurtful frase. Our sex life has been good so far, and since the birth of the baby ( c-section ) we had sex already two times.
I really don’t know what to do here anymore, I just feel that his words/ behavior is killing the love that I have for him. What shall I do? If I wouldn’t have the baby at this point I would start searching for a divorce lawyer…. Am I exaggerating? Did any of you have similar experience? Is he going through some kind of depression? What shall I do?

PPD? Let's not make excuses for an absolute arsehole who treats his wife like shit after having major surgery, who sounds like she is doing brilliantly after already having sex.

I don't know what the answer is OP, I think I'd find it hard to come back from that.

OP, I think he no longer wants to be married.

I am sorry, but the pure viciousness and ugliness of what he said, are not the words of a man that loves you.

I understand with a new baby this is devastating, but I really think you need to start detaching emotionally and actively protect yourself.

I think his words would irrevocably kill whatever the sexual attraction was between you up to now.

He is not someone I would want around my child full-time.

He is absolutely emotionally abusing you.

This is on him.

Reach out to friends for support.

You need it.

Like fuck would I help someone through their "depression" when the main symptom exhibited is sexual denigration of a new mother and thinly concealed misogyny.

I wouldn't be able to come back from his comments (or have sex with him again! ) even if he produced a doctor's note certifying complete insanity.

Apart from "horny" being such a teenage thing to aim for, especially in your circumstances, "at least once in your life" is gratuitously cruel.

Honestly OP he sounds like a bad'un, what a rotten time to be finding this out about him.

It's a time when both parents have to step up and become adult, and he doesn't want to do that. Ouch.

Saying sorry does not make up for abusive behaviour, and it's likely to get worse.

Don't worry about being the poster girl for finding love/babies later in life. You've achieved a lot that is impressive. It will be even more impressive if, on top of all that, you insist on real quality of life for you and your child.

It’s very possible and more common than one would think. He doesn’t have to have gone through the process personally, but having the major change to your life that a baby brings can most certainly cause this.

If not depression, he could be jealous of the loss of attention and is acting out like a toddler. Having a baby is harder than anyone thinks until they’ve had one. I found having a baby easy in itself (also had IVF), but the disruption it brings to your relationship is not often predicted. It took us a few years to get any normality back between us. I hated him for quite a while!

@EE13 massive squishes. I’d have to tell my partner that his words and behaviour are making you reassess the whole relationship and saying sorry afterwords doesn’t make it better or take them away. I would suggest couple counselling or individual therapy pronto to see if things can be improved upon and saved. And if that doesn’t work at least you’ve tried everything and going into separation the counselling may help you both better co-parent?

It could be the end of the line for your marriage but in my opinion it's far too soon to make that call. Yes he has behaved badly but a lot of posters are ignoring the fact that having a baby is a massive life change for all involved and the fact the woman had all the physical changes / difficulties does not negate the fact that it can be hugely difficult for the man too.

Obviously his way of expressing his feelings is abusive and extremely unhelpful, but I think you should try to have a mature conversation where you both listen to the other's point of view without judgement and see if anything can be salvaged.

I read once that having a new family member requires two years of adjustment. Maybe for some that process is relatively benign, for others it can be a struggle.

Depression is a brain chemical issue. It is itrggered probably by some sort of genetic predisposition that is activated by certain circumstances in people’s lives. One person triggers can be another person mildly pressurised period
otherwise all women would get PND, whereas it is “only” 1 in 10 .

for him it could be as simple as a period of sleep deprivation, whilst that sounds like it is way better it could be a cuase

on the other hand, he may not have any depression and just be an entitled jealous brat 🤷🏼‍♀️

im responding to your “ why should he get depression if I haven’t” comment only. Depression just doesn’t work like that.

it may be worth sitting down with him, and saying you want him o visit GP, becuase the 3 comments he has made to you since the birth are “out of character” , aside form causing you upset and distress, you would like him to just explain to Gp how he is feeling and at least rule that out. If he refuses there’s a good chance he’s just being the brat. In which case it is never going to be better- it’ll always be on cards he’ll say similar things again

it's very easy as a stranger on the Internet to give you advice, especially of the "LTB" variety... but the truth is only you know how he is making you feel in this situation.

clearly it was an awful, stupid thing to say... and I sympathise on how hurtful that must be. I had an ex who was very good at being vicious with words.

the question is, why did he say it? is he just a twat, or is he struggling with the changes life has brought on and this is his clumsy, stupid way of saying it...

given the background of extremely supportive behaviour and a solid relationship prior to childbirth, I would personally (and these may not be right for you) consider the following options before throwing the towel in:

1. have an in depth discussion (not today, when things have settled a bit) about how he feels your relationship is doing/about you since the baby came along. don't mention his comments or how you feel at first, just see if he opens up. if he explains how he is struggling, then try to find solutions together. during this process, mention to him that if he is struggling, to tell you early on rather than let it build up and then say something hurtful as a way of coping with his emotions.

1. consider marriage counselling

if in the end, he does just end up being a twat- you have mumsnet experts to help get your ducks in order before leaving. but you have to plan strategy properly as you are in a vulnerable place and need to ensure you have the right set up.

I think the message would have to be

1. It is normal to be struggling a lot at this stage of having a new baby.
2. Taking it out on your wife is absolutely unacceptable. He needs to own that he is struggling, and do all the bloody work that women do - go to his GP, consider antidepressants, reengage with the baby, read parenting books, make new friends who are going through the same thing. And support his life partner and love who has just been through a physical tsunami. And get a bloody grip about the reality of sex life after IVF and a baby - it's going to take time, patience and nurturing, not insults and aggression.

Ditch him, he sounds like a complete prick. I doubt I could ever have sex again, or stay married, to a man who said something so spiteful to me.

yes, “baby king” has always had OP’s undivided attention, all of a sudden she just popped out a human being who requests her undivided attention and he’s really pissed of and being a c-unt to her. How dare she complains?

How about he grows up instead of acting like a low level empathy emotional toddler and becomes part of the solution instead of part of the problem?

Why does society think we (women) need to be the unpaid emotional care takers of everyone and their mother?

FFS, you had major abdominal surgery resulting in a tiny, fully dependent human after 3 / 4 years of hormone treatment and invasive procedures and he's complaining about you not making him horny. He'd be getting a home vasectomy in my house. And that's without going into the family situation with ill parents.

Yes he may be depressed (not PPD), feeling jealous, missing sex but he needs to put his big boy pants on and get help / deal with his issues, OP isn't his Mummy. She can't do it for him.

OP, I'd be making it clear in no uncertain terms that you are still in pain, your hormones are bouncing all over the place and you are doing the best you can. He needs to step up.

@EE13 I knew two couples, both desperate for a baby.

Both went down IVF route- both couples got a baby- then had another.

Then..Divorce.

It's like having a baby completely changes the dynamic of a relationship.

Babies can be more like wedges than glue in a relationship -

Men feel the lack of sex, women just often lose interest in sex after birth.

If you fundamentally get on, maybe try and make relationship work, but the term ''Horny'' is so gross!

Reminds me of ''Horny toad''. Yuck. Not alluring.

This is a crucial thing to remember about human beings. They don’t get better. It’s a fantasy we cling on to. In general, they get worse.

Also, if you let him talk to you like that, his vile behaviour will escalate, and before you know it that kind of abuse will become the norm.

Having a baby is like throwing a grenade into a relationship. His idea of having a baby was akin to shitting rainbows and it is like that. Poor man (🙄) cut him free and let him be his selfish arsehole self on his own.

The first year after having a baby can be really, really hard. I was so close to telling my husband to fuck off multiple times. He was a total dick in many ways but he never said anything like this, that’s truly horrible. I’m sorry OP. Be wary and look after yourself x

Empathy much. I am not condoning his actions, they're wrong, I'm not disputing that. Im just trying to explain them.

Both sides win and lose when a baby arrives... The woman may lose her biology, her hormones, her freedom, her financial security... but the man also loses. He often loses attention, sex, freedom...

Yes, the woman has been through more, and there is no disputing that, but a good relationship acknowledges BOTH sides and tries to help out when they can.

Simply saying his problems don't mean anything because hers are more prevalent is gatekeeping discomfort.

Ask him if he thinks his treatment of you makes you horny 😡

Having a baby is like throwing a grenade into a relationship.

That is so true! Never heard that saying before, but it's very accurate.
No one knows if their relationship will survive the experience or not.

Even much wanted good babies have been the cause of unravelling relationships.

Add a screamer, or a tricky baby, and it's even worse.

No one can be prepared for the seismic changes in a relationship.

Just hope for the best!

I couldn't come back from that. Sorry, it would be the end for me, baby or no baby.

Play him this song...

I thought it was ''Honey, honey, honey''

Well, he should be unwanted. He’s behaved like a cunt since their longed-for IVF baby arrived.

It happens, and while I have sympathy with how he’s treated you I have to say you’re not painting yourself in a very good light with this message.

It’s like saying ‘there’s people in Africa starving, so how do people in the UK get depression at all?’

So your dad has cancer, you've just become a mum, and a 46yo man called your husband is trying to pressure you into more sex and telling you your stupid....totally unacceptable and disrespectful, and it will only get worse!!

Would be interested to hear what his relationship with baby is like, and also if he pulls his weight helping with child caring tasks and housework?