Husband: “make me feel horny, at least once in your life”

[EE13]

I am completely at a loss here and don’t know what to do anymore. These were my husband’s words to me this morning in bed. Needless to say I got up without a word and left our room. We are married now 3 and a half years with a 3 month old baby. His behavior has totally changed since the birth and I really don’t know what to do anymore. Little bit of background about us: baby was 100% planned, as we are 42 and 46 years old and when I was 39 we started IVF which was grueling,, we had 5 viable embryos, 3 didn’t catch, baby is number 4, so we still have one embryo frozen. Husband was very very supportive throughout the entire process, actually I was about to sort of give up and was saying to him that I can be happy by just being the two of us but actually I had the feeling that he desired the baby more then i did. When I got pregnant he was entirely supportive the whole time, actually from this point I miss being pregnant because since the birth of the baby everything turned upside down. It’s like he is missing our old life but doesn’t really say so just acts so childish and spoiled. Obviously I don’t have time to cook gourmet meals anymore ( I love cooking) and the house is also a mess sometimes… I am currently staying at home with the baby, he is working 4 times a week ( we are very comfortably off), he doesn’t have pressure from work point of view. Baby is super amazing and now he started to even sleep through the night already which makes things much easier. Still my husband seems so unhappy and has been behaving so unreasonably. In the first two months of baby’s life two times he called me ‘stupid woman’ when we had an argument, which hurt like hell but I attributed it to tiredness. I admit the first two months were difficult, but since then things have improved and we are sleeping so much better. So I don’t understand today’s hurtful frase. Our sex life has been good so far, and since the birth of the baby ( c-section ) we had sex already two times.
I really don’t know what to do here anymore, I just feel that his words/ behavior is killing the love that I have for him. What shall I do? If I wouldn’t have the baby at this point I would start searching for a divorce lawyer…. Am I exaggerating? Did any of you have similar experience? Is he going through some kind of depression? What shall I do?

Ah yes, that special type of male depression that comes on after their wife has been through all the trauma and exhibits itself in entitled, misogynistic comments. That kind of depression….

Maybe he loved the idea of having a son but he was oblivious of the stuff that comes with it... 🤔Problem is that now that he knows he's not handling it in a very mature way innit?

I think that having a baby can be harder than a lot of people think for sure.

That said-he's 46 fgs!

He should be prepared for reality even if he hoped it wouldn't happen!

All I know is I wouldn't want to have sex with someone who called me a stupid little woman and the rest.
It would kill any attraction so the marriage would be over.

Was there family or cultural pressure to have a baby OP? Because there are some men who seem to feel the need for a child through pressure but actually really don't like the reality. It is hard on both of you in the first year so I wouldn't make any decisions however from experience it's words like these that can make part of the attraction literally shrivel up and die very very quickly.

Crikeyalmighty, yes, I think there was, him being the last of 3 children, his brothers already having 3 children, each

@EE13 I'm going to be honest- I think most men over 42 or so having a 1st one find it hard because for some it's the fact they have done what they want for a long time, so their head and heart may think they want a child - but the reality is that they wanted something they had never experienced and now that itch has been scratched they want everything back to normal thanks. Problem is the stuff he has said will I think make you see him in a lesser light. I think you need to see if he cools off and knuckles down and bucks up his ideas and manners- because at the moment he's acting like an utter arse- doesn't matter if he's a dentist or dustman- he's totally out of order -

He's speaking to you with contempt. Which is hailed as one of the four marriage killers. Have a Google for John Gottman's four horsemen. It really doesn't matter if he's tired or depressed. My husband is chronically ill, knackered and is no saint, but he'd never speak to me like that.

We had our first and only at 40 (me) and 46 (DH).

It did hit DH like a ton of bricks. In retrospect - he'd never really had to take anyone else's needs into consideration before (maybe me to an extent, but he definitely didn't realise the effort a baby/toddler would take).

He didn't say horrible things though and he (sensibly) found other dads to talk to.

The OP has been through a difficult pregnancy, a CS delivery, now has to care for a tiny baby and has a sick parent to worry about.

This weak, selfish man needs to be providing support, not pestering for sex and whining because he doesn’t feel “horny” (as if he were some kind of oversexed fifteen year old boy).

Depression is one thing but treating your wife with contempt is quite another. I’m not sure how you repair that.

Still mansplaining and gas lighting women all over this site, I see.

Are you still quoting a thread where you claim women condoned female infidelity where 90% of them didn't, on repeat, as well.

Have you considered an mla, red pill, incel forum instead of plaguing Mumsnet, giving abuser apologist advice to women suffering abuse??

*Ignore this poster op.**

Even if he's depressed - hmm - people who are abusive while depressed are not relationship material.

A new mum had more than enough on her plate without being abused by her partner in top of it.

Oh and a caesarian takes weeks if not months to heal.
Having had sex twice already is impressive. For many people it would be 6 months of more. So he's completely unreasonable too

Then the 'once in your life" comment.

Presumably you two have had sex hundreds of more times so ..... Is he claiming you "didn't make him horny" anybody those times either? That would mean he saying he shagged without being horny and without fancying the person he was shagging. Doesn't make much sense and it very nasty indeed too.

Also it's not your role to make him horny FFS. You are both supposed to want and put effort into arousing and making the other person comfortable? It's two way.

What a weird view of sex he has.

OP, so he does nothing to help, share the house keeping, night feeds, and makes a face when you ask for a pillow when you are under your son?

I am so sorry OP, but on top of his vile vulgar words, you are absolutely in an emotionally abusive relationship.

Please reach out for support.

His mask has well and truly slipped.

This X 100.

These are deal breaker comments. Deal breaker verbal abuse.

I'd like to see his response if op had called him a stupid man twice and then said 'oh for once in your life, would you make me horny!"

Re your friends and their fantasy/ideal - too bad, it's not your responsibility to create or maintain a fairy tale for them ... While being abused. Reality is reality. They can deal with it.

I experienced a similar awakening a out an age gap marriage I had on a pedestal (6/7 years younger guy, late ish relationship & relatively quick marriage & kids, farmer with land etc); stayed at their house and realised he's a 24 carat abuser. I feel sorry for her, hate him, end of story.

Real friends would be supportive & care about you, not focused on you fulfilling a fairy tale.

Common for men to show their true self once a baby arrives. Also agree that depressed or not (and i'm guessing not), treating you like this is awful. Horny 🤮

@C1N1C if men can't cope without sex, freedom or attention for certain periods in life then they have no business creating families, agreeing to children or even forming relationships. Leave it to those who accept it's not an entitlement and it's meant to be a partnership. They should stay single but that wouldn't suit the fact that many want free sex on tap and a housekeeper.

Oh love, you deserve so much better than this.

The first year after both of my babies was unbelievably hard for both of us and at times we got very short tempered with each other. Dh was far from perfect, and cracks opened up in terms of division of labour, default parenting and all the usual things. But we were both doing our best. Not once would he have spoken to me like that. Or begrudged me a pillow!

Usually I’d be the one saying hang in there until things settle, and you’re sleeping normally again, check the hormones etc. But this is so much more than that.

I’m baffled by the suggestion that depression could be some kind of explanation for his vile and nasty words. If only we could cure misogyny and contempt with a daily pill!

I’m so sorry that you’re feeling so alone, and no doubt worried for your dps. Don’t hesitate to reach out to your friends though. The shame you’re feeling, belongs only to him, and you shouldn’t carry it for him. The loneliness of being trapped in a bad relationship is always far, far worse than being on your own.

Sorry you're going through this. Might not be the right advice, but given how supportive he's been previously, I'd try not to set too much store by things said in the first few months with a newborn. It's mad times, huge upheaval and rebuilding of your identities, even harder in your mid-40s when you're used to child-free independence, and so so exhausting. At the best of times, when you look back at these early months with a first DC, it's still all a blur and most people lose it at some points and say things we regret that are out of character. It doesn't mean we don't love our DC or want to be a parent. Course in a few cases it can mean that and relationships can be pushed to breaking point, but mostly it's a matter of getting through it, cutting each other some slack, apologising, making mistakes and muddling through until you re-emerge as parents together and start to settle into the next phase. It's hard but worth it, take care of yourselves.

THIS is a very sensible post imo.
Rule out depression before you decide he is 'just' an arse.
Mind you, this is the sort of thing my exH started to do when we had our 2nd baby (like you, planned isci IVF, & much longed for babies).
Turns out, 22 years down the line, yes, he does have depression. He's also massively selfish, &, around me, an abuse arse. Whether it's depression or being a horrible person the effects on you are the same. With the former he might get help & you might come through it. If a combination or just the latter then you are in for a horrible time because the effects on you are the same.
Take care of yourself xxx

Depression isn't an excuse for really nasty verbal abuse.

If being depressed causes you to verbally abuse your partner in a truly nasty way (and on the subject of sex) and be pissed off just handing them a pillow while they're nursing your child ...... You need urgent help and really need to move out until you have resolved your issues.

But it's BS anyway

I'd like to see what advice would be given to a man on here being called a stupid man by his wife and being told he doesn't make her horny/turn her on, and implying he never did ("for once in your life, make me horny!")

Would it be ... Oh, poor dear has PND.

And she would have more excuse than a man because she's gone through pregnancy, birth, massive hormonal changes etc

Be very careful, posters of MN, that woke ideas of male PND aren't obscuring common garden male abuse .... What the woman is seen as trapped, going nowhere, heavily invested, dependant, vulnerable, not performing her perceived (perceived by misogynist, chauvanist men) duties to him, when he's having to deal with a bit of stress and responsibility etc.

Make sure it's not a red herring.

Listen to what he's saying and what it says a out his values and attitude to women. Depression doesn't cause that.

She's got more stress and responsibility but she's not abusing him.

You could be causing an abuse victim to stay being abused instead of leaving or getting him out.

*When the woman is seen as trapped, going nowhere, heavily invested, dependant, vulnerable, not performing her perceived (perceived by misogynist, chauvanist men) duties to him, when he's having to deal with a bit of stress and responsibility etc.

I think you need to talk to him about why he is saying this, after opening up to a close friend about what’s going on so you can go if need be (or know a hotel etc). AND ITS NOT YOU. Sending so much strength.