My head is spinning. Is this all my fault? DH online searches.

[19Bears]

I posted a thread a few weeks ago about finding DH searching for things such as 'local shags' and 'flirtme' online. I only saw this as my 11 yo son's tablet is linked to DH's phone and I can see the search history, which I have managed to keep hidden from my son - it doesn't show up on the google search bar, only by delving into the history. Anyway, I've been trying to find a way and a time to confront him, but hadn't done so until this morning. I bought my son a new phone this week, and he's been transferring across everything from his tablet, so I thought I better check it to make sure the google bar is the same. It turns out it isn't the same - on clicking the google bar, all of the recent searches are immediately shown, including 'local shags'. I took it straight downstairs to show DH, and to tell him he has to make sure he deletes his search history so that our son doesn't see things like this. I hate confrontation so went back upstairs to unsync the accounts and leave it at that. He followed me up and told me this is all my fault, what do I expect after 12 years of no sex, I've created the atmosphere in the house, everyone is unhappy because of me etc etc. I was half expecting this response as he always looks to blame others for everything. But I didn't expect to feel as if maybe he's right and I've driven him to it. Yes, I do act cold towards him, but only because I plain don't like him or the way he's made me feel like a single mother for years, doing whatever he wants, going to gigs all the time, but he now says he does this as I make him feel unwanted. He says there's no way he's leaving the house or the kids, which is ultimately what I want him to do, and now I feel like I've thrown a grenade into the house and it's all going to be worse than it already was. He's wfh, the kids are in the house, and I have to go back there when I finish work. I am dreading it. I've been waiting years for something big to allow me to say "I'm done" and I thought this was it. I feel as if I'm back to square one. Have I driven him to it? I feel exhausted today.

Have you really not had sex for 12 years?

But ... but ... if you 'plain don't like him or the way he's made me feel like a single mother for years', then why are you still with him???? Life's short. What message about relationships is that sending your dc?

Why not leave him and plan to co-parent apart?

Why are you even with him? You don’t sound as if you like each other and if there’s not been any sex for 12 years then you’re basically housemates.

You need to draw this relationship to a close. This is your big get out excuse you’ve been waiting for. Give yourself permission to move forward with life. 12 years no sex. This marriage has been dead a long long time. Neither of you gave wanted to make a break. Think about a life of your own without all that resentment built up.

its going to be a shit few years inbetween whilst you divorce/untangle finances but it will be so worth it

Don't worry about whose fault it is because that's irrelevant.

You know all you need to know - you don't love him, don't want to be with him, he treats you like a skivvy, he makes everything your fault, he's cheating (or trying to / planning to).

Let him say what he likes. You know you want to split. So go and see a solicitor and find out where you stand. A better life awaits.

It appears that both of you hold grudges against each other and are fundamentally unhappy in the relationship. Have you both ever spoken or discussed about the lack of intimacy? I can understand that a partner who does not help out in the house or with kids is off-putting and selfish. However has this been addressed by you? It seems that you are waiting for him to end this marriage, whereas he has decided to look for sex elsewhere. So essentially you both have checked out.
You both deserve to be happy and perhaps trying couples' counselling might be the first step. At least this will help you both figure what the future of your relationship might be.

So you don't want him but you want him to be the one to leave?

It's time to either make it official and find a way to seperate. Or end it and live together to coparent and be free to see other people.

Neither of you are happy. This can't continue. It's not fair on either of you or the kids to live in this kind of atmosphere.

He followed me up and told me this is all my fault, what do I expect after 12 years of no sex, I've created the atmosphere in the house, everyone is unhappy because of me etc etc.

If it's that bad why hasn't he left or asked you to leave? Because he knows it's not all your fault. He knows it's him but he can't be bothered to do anything about the situation, whether it's leaving or improving the relationship. His life is awesome. He gets a cleaner and a nanny while he's living a single life. What do you get? I'm serious, what are you actually getting from him that's worth staying for?

@Pixiedust1234 I don't get anything from him. The one thing stopping me leaving is that I do not want to uproot the kids. Our home is their home and I won't move them out of it. Clearly I am just prolonging the pain for everyone, but I cannot work out if the worst option for the kids' happiness is leaving or staying, and therefore I do nothing. My eldest ds15 has been quite upset and anxious recently which I'm putting down to hormones, but it's obvious that the atmosphere in the house doesn't help. Am I making it worse by keeping things as they are, or would I make it much worse by giving him divorced parents? It feels like the ultimate gamble with my kids' lives and I don't know which way to go.

My parents divorced when I was a teenager because of my father's infidelity and general incompatibility. It was a little unsettling at first but nothing major. I have great relationships with both my parents and am glad they didn't stay together. Don't presume that staying together is best for the kids - some of the most f'd up people I know has parents who stayed together despite serious relationship issues.

I've been waiting years for something big to allow me to say "I'm done" and I thought this was it. I feel as if I'm back to square one. Have I driven him to it?
I might not be following your line of thought here, but are you saying that if it's your fault he's doing this, then it will be you causing the breakup, and you want any breakup to be his fault, not yours? (Sorry if putting it so bluntly makes it sound stupid.)

My eldest ds15 has been quite upset and anxious recently
My dd was 16 when my exh had his affair and she'd worked out what he was doing before me. Some of her friends had had similar experiences and I would guess they were comparing notes. Your son might be fully aware that you both hate each other and possibly that his dad is looking for sex elsewhere.
My son was 14 at the time and struggled more. I got him some therapy. It really helped.

I was about 15 when my parents split. I knew more than my siblings. Then 6 & 7 years old. My mum put things off for the sake of the younger ones... but I begged her to ask for a divorce (they were civil.. just out of love and arguing due to this)
Everything was much better after she finally instigated the split. Children definitely struggle more in an unhappy and tense atmosphere

After we broke up, my ex and I agreed that I would stay in the house with the kids until the youngest was 18. So for 4 years my ex got himself a bedsit. Maybe you could also agree on a short-term arrangement until the kids have finished their schooling? Things improved for us all considerably immediately after he moved out, and the 4-year temporary arrangement also meant that there was a cooling-off period before we made the final arrangements, so that was less emotional and stressful.

Oh op, it will be so much nicer for you and your children if you divorce. Not necessarily initially, but in a few years time, and absolutely certainly when they're adults and are them able to make decent relationship choices as a result of being shown what is not healthy. What a shame you didn't do it years ago. Your husband doesn't get to unilaterally decide if he leaves the house or not, you get a say too. You might find the dc think 'thank goodness, it's about time.'

12 years?!?? Bloody hell, why do you even care if he's sleeping with other people?

Yes @80s I want it to be his fault that we split as I'm desperate to keep the relationship between me and my kids. If they think it's all down to me that their dad is sad, I can't bear the thought they'll think less of me. I know that's just crazy mind games with myself but I can't get past that thought.

I don't really understand why you're upset that he's looking for casual sex TBH. (Unless the upset is about the lack of tech savvy which is a fair point).
you don't want him, you don't want to shag him, you don't want to move out so why not live separate lives in the same house until the kids leave home and let him seek sexual relationships elsewhere?

That is crazy.

Look the whole relationship is awful. Why are you both together? He sounds like an arse but really who’s gonna live with no sex for 12 years? Why don’t you just move on. Both of you.

@Deargodletitgo and @AuntieEsther No I'm not upset that he's looking elsewhere, I was utterly relieved and elated when I found that search. I want him to find someone else. He said to me this morning that he doesn't want a relationship elsewhere, so it seems he'd be content with a quick shag. It's just all a complete mess and I do not want to go home in half an hour.

Sorry but wanting someone else to be at fault is immature, particularly if it's to do with sex and you haven't had sex in 12 years. Many people would say that it's your fault if that's the case.

Go home, be a grown up and have the conversation. Kids know they have been living in an awful unhappy environment for years, changing that can only improve their lives

@nidgey There are many reasons that having sex with this man is the last thing I want to do. I'm not just being cruel and withholding it for no reason. He knows why I'm not attracted to him in that way and he hasn't done a thing about it.

Have you really not had sex for 12 years?

Tbh it's not your fault he has been finding sex elsewhere they are his choices but also it sounds like you have collectively not nurtured your relationship at all so it also not surprising this has happened.

Meant with kindness I really think you need to stop being a bystander in your life and get a divorce. This isn't a relationship. You talk about not upsetting your kids but your kids aren't stupid. They know noone is happy at home.

Read that back to yourself. It isnt anormal reaction to elated your partner is having sex with others. That should show everything you need to know about what you should do with this relationship. You need to divorce.