My head is spinning. Is this all my fault? DH online searches.

[19Bears]

I posted a thread a few weeks ago about finding DH searching for things such as 'local shags' and 'flirtme' online. I only saw this as my 11 yo son's tablet is linked to DH's phone and I can see the search history, which I have managed to keep hidden from my son - it doesn't show up on the google search bar, only by delving into the history. Anyway, I've been trying to find a way and a time to confront him, but hadn't done so until this morning. I bought my son a new phone this week, and he's been transferring across everything from his tablet, so I thought I better check it to make sure the google bar is the same. It turns out it isn't the same - on clicking the google bar, all of the recent searches are immediately shown, including 'local shags'. I took it straight downstairs to show DH, and to tell him he has to make sure he deletes his search history so that our son doesn't see things like this. I hate confrontation so went back upstairs to unsync the accounts and leave it at that. He followed me up and told me this is all my fault, what do I expect after 12 years of no sex, I've created the atmosphere in the house, everyone is unhappy because of me etc etc. I was half expecting this response as he always looks to blame others for everything. But I didn't expect to feel as if maybe he's right and I've driven him to it. Yes, I do act cold towards him, but only because I plain don't like him or the way he's made me feel like a single mother for years, doing whatever he wants, going to gigs all the time, but he now says he does this as I make him feel unwanted. He says there's no way he's leaving the house or the kids, which is ultimately what I want him to do, and now I feel like I've thrown a grenade into the house and it's all going to be worse than it already was. He's wfh, the kids are in the house, and I have to go back there when I finish work. I am dreading it. I've been waiting years for something big to allow me to say "I'm done" and I thought this was it. I feel as if I'm back to square one. Have I driven him to it? I feel exhausted today.

The relationship died 12 years ago. I don’t know about your other threads but it’s clear you hate this man but your also being unfair by hoping you can what be cold enough for him to leave so you won’t be the bad guy I mean come on be a grown up.

Even if your plan worked you do realise the children see how you are to him right? So he leaves because fuck this shit I’m out. The kids can still blame you if you want to play that game because you pushed him away.

So stop playing games and if your done and hate him as much as it comes across here then pull up your socks and say it and leave him because I bet damn well everyone else in your life sees your hate and distain towards him.

You’re likely even playing right into his hands by staying and being cold. Then he can get all the I know she was so cold and distant for years yet you stuck by her, likely get sympathy for the dead bedroom too.

Staying is a losers game your not winning, Your losing.

Ultimately it doesn't matter whose 'fault' it is as a) assuming you are in England or Wales you will have a no fault divorce, b) no one is ever completely blameless in this situation and c) you will both think the other should shoulder more blame, its human nature.

You are being naive if you think your kids are not affected by the atmosphere in your house. Who knows whether a divorce will affect them more, but it sounds like it will be better for you and DH in the long run.

As a recently divorced person I will tell you it is hard going, but the hardest part was telling exH and then telling the kids. My life is not perfect now but I am happier and the kids are doing really well.

Op, I know you dislike him and you no longer have sex but do you still feel attracted to him physically ?

Do you think he is still attracted to you physically. ?

How long have you been together ?

@GreyCarpet has got it 100% (as always).

This is so utterly selfish of you . You don't want your children to think less of you , and assume they will think less of your DH if the fault lies with him .

I wouldn't be so sure , the mind games you're playing are not with yourself , they're with your family .

There's obviously quite a backstory but if you think your kids are oblivious to the atmosphere you're kidding yourself. They'll make their own decisions regardless of what happens.

What a dreadful situation where noone is happy. In short, it sounds like a right shit show where noone is blameless.

Ergh, my mum was like this, wouldn't tell.my dad to leave because she didn't want him to go round saying "she threw me out" and her look like the bad guy.

So he continued to do whatever the hell he wanted, cheat on her, leave for weeks on end then come back when he was fed up of paying for himself.

As a teenager I begged her to make him go, she never did. She was (and still is) a doormat.

I also agree with @ElFupacabra. My mother stayed a decade after the first time my father tried to leave her (in a very cowardly way) supposedly for 'the kids' but really because she didn't want to lose both the lifestyle of the ex-pat and also face in front of her Catholic family. My father eventually left when I was 21, for another woman who he has now been married to for over 30 years.

I blame both of them for the miserable childhood myself and my two brothers had. My mother came from and had a lot of money, so there was no need for any of it.

Seriously, this is bonkers. Who cares where the fault lies when you say yourself that the atmosphere in the house is awful. Do you think carrying on with the status quo is the best thing for your children? 🙈

Thanks again to everyone especially @GreyCarpet for the words of wisdom.

I'll hold my hands up and admit that my theory of waiting it out til he does the big bad thing is complete madness, and also manipulative. I honestly dislike who I am when I'm around him. He brings out all the anger and resentment in me that I do not want to have. I'm a very different person away from him, and yes I do feel downtrodden as someone further up mentioned. I feel like I freeze and shrink around him, he's so difficult to talk to.

For those asking why no sex for so long, well he's never shown much interest in me and when we did have sex in the past, it was very Carry On film-y, so to speak. Like a teenage kid amazed at seeing a pair of boobs. I've felt invisible as a woman for years, and he's never tried anything on in all that time. Add to that 'little' things like him tearing up and throwing away things the kids have made that were special to them and they wanted to keep, leaving to go on a night out when my eldest had to go to hospital after a bad allergic reaction leaving my youngest to stay home alone or come to the hospital for however many hours, leaving the house for two days unannounced for yet another gig on father's day when the kids had made stuff for him... And now he's sitting chuckling away at the telly, still in his dressing gown as he does most days, having last brushed his teeth last weekend. Things like that.

So if I'm cold, well I don't know how you'd be warm under those circumstances.

Despite all of this, I know I'm also to blame for the way things have gone, and that all I have to do is be firm and clear and tell him it's over. As you say @GreyCarpet if you spoke to him you'd get a completely different story from him. I've got support all around me from friends and family who want me to he happy (even some of his own family) so I know I can do it. But I'm finding it hard.

12 YEARS? Ffs that relationship is DEAD!

this post here just shouts selfishness on your part.

you’re living cold hard resentment 24/7, everyone is picking up on it, that’s possibly why your 15yo is sad because they’re looking at other people’s relationships and the yawning gap between them and what they’re seeing at home is unsettling them.

and you want to perpetuate this until your H snaps and becomes the bad guy?

thats not fair. It’s a waste of everyone’s lives!

whatever happened to the truth (age appropriate of course) dad and I have grown apart and we’ll be happier as people living separately and better as parents…

And yes, this is hard to do, but when your kids repeat what they’re learning at home by your example, THAT will kill you

Oh gosh what a bloody pickle. My personality is very much fuck him and move on with your life BUT your kids, their age and uprooting your home. I'd hang in there (can't believe I'm saying this) just for the kids sake and try and get on... the very best of luck, you sound lovely 🥰

Ah, this sounds so familiar.

Is he incapable of a flexible, mutual relationship that involves communication and compromise?

Did he think that he'd successfully ticked off marriage and now would have sex on tap and children while not actually working at the relationships? Is he oblivious to your needs?

This leaves you feeling trapped with someone you can't be happy with, but feel guilty for finding what he brings inadequate/insufficient.

He can't see what's wrong. You are the one who has ridiculous expectations about hygiene, cleanliness, and treating your body respectfully. It's not his fault, you're completely unreasonable. Not.

You've posted several times about this awful situation.

You need to end it for the DC sake.

Holy trinity, al, the best op

Why stay if your not attracted to him,im sorry but that sounds very cruel,if you dont want him...leave!

It's strange how a couple's relationship can totally break down on both sides and yet both of them can still want to be together and not want any others to be part of their partner's life.

Such is love and hate.

Honestly people are insane. This is insane. Your poor kids

to be honest, it looks like you are the one who has damaged the relationship. you cannot blame him just because you want your children to think better of you. that is just wrong!!! and to withold sex for 12 years is just ridiculous!!! why are you still there if you dont love him, that is 12 years of your life that you have wasted!!

I don't think it matters whose fault it is to be honest. You don't love or like him, with good reason it seems (and he's looking to cheat instead of finding ways to work on the marriage with you). I'd say you're both done. Just end it and don't entertain the blame game. It seems really irrelevant at this point.

I think op did love him, she has just been incredibly hurt by him.

So hurt, she can't comprehend how much damage he has done.

Were you planning on telling your kids it was their dads 'fault'?

You shouldn't bring 'fault' into it unless absolutely necessary.

Is it that you're worried that your dh was going to blame you to the kids?

You're prolonging the agony for yourself
Your DC will already know things are not right between you, and actually you do need to face up to it, that your marriage is done and see a solicitor
You'd find that after a short period of uncertainty, even your DC will be happier