My head is spinning. Is this all my fault? DH online searches.

[19Bears]

I posted a thread a few weeks ago about finding DH searching for things such as 'local shags' and 'flirtme' online. I only saw this as my 11 yo son's tablet is linked to DH's phone and I can see the search history, which I have managed to keep hidden from my son - it doesn't show up on the google search bar, only by delving into the history. Anyway, I've been trying to find a way and a time to confront him, but hadn't done so until this morning. I bought my son a new phone this week, and he's been transferring across everything from his tablet, so I thought I better check it to make sure the google bar is the same. It turns out it isn't the same - on clicking the google bar, all of the recent searches are immediately shown, including 'local shags'. I took it straight downstairs to show DH, and to tell him he has to make sure he deletes his search history so that our son doesn't see things like this. I hate confrontation so went back upstairs to unsync the accounts and leave it at that. He followed me up and told me this is all my fault, what do I expect after 12 years of no sex, I've created the atmosphere in the house, everyone is unhappy because of me etc etc. I was half expecting this response as he always looks to blame others for everything. But I didn't expect to feel as if maybe he's right and I've driven him to it. Yes, I do act cold towards him, but only because I plain don't like him or the way he's made me feel like a single mother for years, doing whatever he wants, going to gigs all the time, but he now says he does this as I make him feel unwanted. He says there's no way he's leaving the house or the kids, which is ultimately what I want him to do, and now I feel like I've thrown a grenade into the house and it's all going to be worse than it already was. He's wfh, the kids are in the house, and I have to go back there when I finish work. I am dreading it. I've been waiting years for something big to allow me to say "I'm done" and I thought this was it. I feel as if I'm back to square one. Have I driven him to it? I feel exhausted today.

You have posted many times about this man over the years.
You may not have had sex for 12 years, but I would bet my house he hasn't gone 12 years without. What you found on his search history is probably the tip of the iceberg. It all sounds miserable and your kids are probably miserable as a result. I know it's easy for me to say but you need to bite the bullet. Life is too short for this shit!

Why haven’t you had sex in 12 years? I’m not surprised he’s looking elsewhere, but both of you are at fault for not ending things cause neither one wants to be the one to leave or be the “bad guy”.

This relationship has been over for years, and your reasons for prolonging it (frankly) sound cowardly. I’d put money on it that your kids know exactly what’s going on - maybe not the ins and outs, but they know you both don’t love each other. You’re not protecting them by staying, you’re protecting yourself as you are too afraid they’ll turn on you for making a decision that honestly should have been made a long time ago. Sometimes you have to do things your kids won’t like when it’s in their best interest. As they grow and mature, they’ll come to understand your reasoning that you’re not happy, and neither is their dad.

As for your husband, no sex for 12 years is not something that should be overlooked in a relationship. Should he be attempting to cheat? No. He should end the relationship with you if he wants sex that you’re not willing and consenting to having. Plus, If you told him why you didn’t want sex and he didn’t work on it, he has no interest in doing something for you, so why would you stay?

End the relationship. You need to stop this madness. You also might need counseling to get passed this immature thinking there has to be a bad guy to blame. Sometimes relationships don’t work. It doesn’t have to end in hatred.

But even if your husband was “at fault” the kids could STILL lay all the blame with you. It’s not rational but when are teenage / children brains? All they’re seeing now is 2 unhappy parents arguing all the time and live in a home which is tense and fraught. Not a happy place for anyone. I lived in this home and fwiw I so blame both my parents for NOT leaving each other.

Thanks everyone x

I can totally see how indecision has led to inaction on probably both your parts.

Other people are right in that it's worse for the children to be in the current situation than to have their parents separate. I speak as both the parent in that position and the child.

If neither of you want to move out then you need to find a way to live (at least in the short term) together but in a way that allows all of you to live peacefully.

In your shoes, I would approach him with a, "This is something we need to discuss together" mindset. Acknowledge that there have been decisions made on both sides that have led to where you are now and agree not to get personal or to discuss those right now. Agree that you both have the capacity to blame the other and make the other feel like shit but that you're not interested in that but you want to work on a plan moving forwards that is in the best interests of you both and the children.

Don't have the conversation immediately because you'll have had time to formulate your side of it. He needs time to do the same. And then discuss it like adults; calmly and take all the emotion out of it.

Agree that you are both now 'separated' but will live under the same roof. Agree what that is going to look like. Agree on roles and responsibilities - what that is practically going to look like.

Keep it reasonable and respectful. No low blows or digs. Have the thoughts by all means but don't express them! Agree not to make pointed comments in front of the children and to respect each other as parents. Listen to each other and be a united front parenting wise.

My exh and I did similar. I instigated the conversation. We didn't live together as he moved out but there are parallels with what you describe.

If none of the above is possible then you will need to look at being the one who leaves.

My mother refused to leave my father as coming from "a broken home" was as bad as having a child out of wedlock. It really was a big thing back then. It screwed everyone's mental health very badly except for my father's. He was living his best life and continued to do so until his death. However staying together screwed her health over as well as us four children. Five versus one.

You and your children will be better away from the horrible atmosphere at home, and they will be aware and you will be making them scared and unsettled and anxiety riddled because they don't know how to make it better. So don't stay for the children's sake as it really isn't for them. It's because you are scared of the unknown. So what can we do/say to stop it being scary?

As always, great advice from @GreyCarpet. Getting stuck on who’s at fault and who to blame is unnecessary, unhelpful and has caused a lot of harm. Your and your DH’s relationship is the model for your children’s future relationships and it’s a poor model. Please stop the nonsense and work out a functional way forward.

I am at a loss to know why you think any of this is your fault. He is an unfaithful tosser and horrible husband. You have allowed him to turn it on you as so many men do - google DARVO. He does not get to decide to stay in the house if you divorce him. You have agency and choices.

It's not the 1950s- having divorced parents is very common and not something that kids find shameful. Ime there are strong emotions and possibly a bumpy ride until things settle but delaying the inevitable is cruel imo. Being older doesn't make divorce easier. I've read posts on here where a poster's parents stayed together for their sake and they always say that they wish that they split earlier. It's a terrible burden and makes the child feel crap because they are the reason why their parents couldn't leave an unhappy situation.
It sounds like you should have split years ago and he is clearly waiting for you to initiate the split too. Take control of your family's lives and start the process. Your relationships will have an effect on the kids future relationships and if they are you suffering when you could leave then you risk them repeating that same mistake.

It sounds like you're both at fault and both not at fault.
Your h isn't unreasonable to want sex and you use the internet to find some.
You aren't unreasonable to expect him to get involved with family life and do some parenting. It's no wonder why you don't want to have sex with him.

Uhm I'm was going to tentatively day, yes it's your fault in a way, because if you stopped liking him and acting cold towards him, you were not being a lovely wife or partner, so I think you have some blame. Not necessarily to blame that he wanted to cheat, but for the atmosphere you made in the house.

But after reading your updates, you sound awful.!
So you deliberately were as cold as possible towards your husband in the hopes that he may search for warmth elsewhere so that you could be the good guys??
With a wife like that, who wants enemies?

This is like constructive dismissal. You haven't got the balls to outright leave (fir the employee, so now you make it as bad as you possibly can do that your husband (your employee) can be the one to walk out (resign) instead.
So you can wash your hands. I've done nothing wrong!
Constructive dismissal is against the law.

Look I'm sure he has his fair share of faults but you sound vindictive and cruel.
I'll bet some that your son is anxious seeing his mom treat his dad so cold.

Would you want your son to think that is normal and expected in a relationship one day?

That's right. They might thank you for ending the relationship.
And even if your dh ended it himself, OP, or openly did something ridiculously horrible and you ended it, anyone might still blame you for various reasons. He might blame you, his family might blame you, all just because they don't want him to be the baddy.

In real life there isn't a baddy and a goody, and you know it, as you're calling it crazy yourself. You just want things to be that simple. We'd all love things to be that simple.

Don't do your head in wondering if it's all your fault as that's highly unlikely. All you can do is try to be a good mum during the separation and divorce, and to be a good person all round. Even then, some people will think you're horrible. But you don't have to go round correcting everyone and teaching them the truth. They can just be wrong.

Your kids would be happier and less anxious if you and their dad were happy. Being a dc with happily divorced parents is much better than being a dc with miserable married parents.

No, his actions are not your fault. What a childish thing for him to say.
your reasons for staying with him are imaginary! I understand the fears, but waiting for something to happen so it’s “his fault” is just buying into this game. It is NEVER going to be his “fault.”

anything that happens will be twisted round into your fault. Your kids won’t blame you - they’re more likely to blame you if they have to grow up in an atmosphere like this, which is destabilizing every day. Uprooting them is far better than having them live in a disregulated home.

just decide it’s finally enough. What has he got to do, Murder someone? It’s already enough.

That's not a healthy attitude. I recommend counselling to unpick some of your unhealthy beliefs and attitudes. What does it matter whose 'fault' it is? Why is it better to remain in a terrible relationship for 12 years then to say 'I want to split up'?

Of course it's not your fault.
If he's unhappy about anything he can;
Raise it with you
Leave
Suggest splitting up/open relationship etc.

I wouldn't bother discussing it with him, he's not going to play ball by the sound of it.

I'd get some legal advice and decide what you want to do. Take it from there.

Don't stay for the kids. It sounds miserable.

Good luck.

I think you are a coward op.

Wow calm down people!
It’s clear to me the husband is turning all the blame back on the OP, it’s called conditioning!
OP you need to regain your own self worth back, you sound downtrodden.
His excuse is a low blow, for you to even think it’s ok, shows how much he is manipulating you.
Step back and think if the shoe was on the other foot, you think you could justify the behaviour?
Not for one second…no no no.
He’s a conniving narcissist.

You have been posting for quite a while about leaving this man, you despise him. I really think it’s time to start the divorce process, try to keep it as amicable as possible. No need for any more drama.

He followed me up and told me this is all my fault, what do I expect after 12 years of no sex, I've created the atmosphere in the house, everyone is unhappy because of me etc etc. I was half expecting this response as he always looks to blame others for everything. But I didn't expect to feel as if maybe he's right and I've driven him to it. Yes, I do act cold towards him, but only because I plain don't like him or the way he's made me feel like a single mother for years, doing whatever he wants, going to gigs all the time, but he now says he does this as I make him feel unwanted.

The thing is, this is exactly how relationships break down.

One person does something, the other person responds by doing something else. At that stage, neither thing is probably all that bad. But it creates resentment. Slowly, over these years it continues to diverge and creates a situation where there is a huge disconnect but where neither person wants to be held responsible because they are no more (or less) responsible than the other.

Neither person has done any one thing that is particularly relationship ending and both people are kicking the can down the road in terms of dealing with it or addressing it. Both hope it will change, both put it to the back of their mind, both focus on other things, both avoid conversations, both think they are communicating disatiafaction in ways only they can hear (eg going to gigs, being cold, withdrawing sex, doing everything themselves) etc

In this situation, you have been waiting for him to do something so awful that you can stand back and say to the world, "See everyone! It was all him. I've done nothing wrong!" When the sitting back and waiting and building resentment was, in and of itself, wrong.

You half expected his response because he likes to blame other people for things? Isn't that exactly what you are also doing?

I haven't read your other thread so I have no idea what happened in the past but either you are both at fault because he was an absolutely useless dick and you didn't leave or you're both at fault because, like Mr and Mrs Twit, you've spent years creating an unpleasant atmosphere of building resentment together.

It's very convenient for all of us to find ourselves blameless and the other person at fault but it's very rarely that simple.

You could meet me for a few pints and I could tell you all about the things my exh did wrong in our relationship. You'd think he was a dick and wonder why I put up with him for so long. Or you could go out for a few pints with him and he could tell you everything I'd done wrong and you'd think I was a dick and wondered why he'd put up with me for so long!

The reality is that we were both at fault. Yes, he committed the 'ultimate sin' of looking elsewhere for sex. But when I think back over the relationship and how it broke down, it was exactly as I described above. Little things that chipped away at our sense of 'togetherness' that left us limping in a long dead 'relationship' where we rubbed along ok but neither of us could say we hadn't seen it coming and nether of us came out on top. All we could do at that stage, was make the best of it going forwards for the sake of the children. We did and they are both pleased that we finally did it.

You've both been playing your own long game, OP, and you're both just realising that there are no winners.

Best thing my mum ever did was (eventually) leaving my dad. I hating living with him.

Great post.
I love how people simplify relationship breakdowns. It was all my dh!!
Yeah yeah, takes 2 to tango

Good description @GreyCarpet - that's how it felt to me, too.
OP, you're far from the only one to have these feelings, and you'll deal with it all somehow or another. Take action and you can step out of this goody/baddy mentality altogether.

Agree with this entirely.