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Original poster

If you’re divorced, do you regret it?

135 replies

Magicmouses · 30/08/2023 15:06

Facing a possible divorce right now and wondering how many women regret it, down the line? If you could go back, would you stay married?

OP posts:
ThisWormHasTurned · 30/08/2023 19:57

Split last year, divorced a few months ago. A friend asked me once if I missed and I said ‘Only when I have to take the bins out, I find that difficult’ (I was recovering from an injury). We were miserable. It was impacting on our DD too. It wasn’t a decision I took lightly. It was the right one. He implied we were dragging him down and he wanted to be free..and yet within a year he was moving in with a new woman and her teenagers 🤷🏻‍♀️

Am I skint? Yes. Did I sacrifice a lot of money..yes. Was it worth it? Absolutely.

Slow death by abusive, toxic, sexless, passionless, relentless, frustrating marriage? No thanks
This ^

Ginandpanic · 30/08/2023 20:12

Not my choice, but divorced after 28 years.
was very unhappy but terrified of being alone. Actually had to move in with friends because I thought I couldn’t live alone ( although I was independent, good job, lots of friends etc, no idea why I thought that)

struggled for a year, did therapy.
4 years on, wouldn’t have him as a gift. Was the best thing that happened to me because it was death by sexless toxic abusive relationship.

wont ever be in that situation again.
despite it flooring me at the time, it passes. No regrets.

EarringsandLipstick · 30/08/2023 20:16

Gahhhhereheisagain · 30/08/2023 19:14

@perilady83 those were different times. I must admit I roll my eyes at the lack of thought about the realities that the 'LTB' crew give. It ain't easy!
You will be skint (at least for a while)
You will be exhausted
You might have to move
Your kids might have to move schools
They might not get it
They might be very upset or angry
You might feel overwhelmed or suicidal
You could never meet someone again
You might well feel lonely
You will miss your kids when they're with their other parent.
You might miss your old life/ in laws
You might lose friends
You will have less time for you
You could be limited in the jobs you can do

But
It's so worth it. Slow death by abusive, toxic, sexless, passionless, relentless, frustrating marriage? No thanks.

Great post 👏👏👏👏

And true.

Crikeyalmighty · 30/08/2023 21:16

@Appleofmyeye2023 if we split. (And have been married 27 years) it will be for the exact same feelings. My H has many nice traits, he's hard working, talented, looks good for his age , can be kind but he also has a very bad temper, a secretive daily porn habit, (he doesn't know I know) is moody and extremely fickle and is pretty hard to live with at times. He has a stressful job but it's a fascinating job and takes a lot out of him . To be honest my ideal would be to live separately and see him as a boyfriend twice a week and the odd holiday. We had a very bad spot 7 years ago and I found out he had an emotional affair 10 years prior to that - I found stuff he had written all about it . I did know the person. I've never felt 100% the same since- even though he was incredibly upset I found out, although I have tried- something in me died and it killed how I felt sexually too. It's sad isn't it- I don't hate him at all- just don't feel 100% in. Your post really resonated.

fluckityfluckfluck · 30/08/2023 21:18

Hell no

Ihatepickingausername3 · 30/08/2023 22:05

Nope don’t regret it at all

Channellingsophistication · 30/08/2023 22:10

No regrets. It wasn’t my choice to divorce and I thought I never would get over it. I was wrong. It was actually the making of me I’m glad it happened.

TeeBee · 30/08/2023 22:14

Hell no, I love being not married.

PermanentTemporary · 30/08/2023 22:21

Never ever regretted divorcing xh, but then marrying him was a pretty dumb thing to do. He's all right really, just not for me.

Bluelightbaby · 30/08/2023 22:23

I certainly don’t regret the divorce- best thing ever (DV) but in the process I lost my children. That I can’t cope with

summer3219 · 30/08/2023 22:25

Absolutely no regrets, reinforced every time I need to interact with him regarding DC.

Sadlysadsad · 30/08/2023 22:36

I don’t know.

On one hand divorce gave me much more financial stability (financial abuse throughout but he couldn’t avoid a decent settlement)
I am no longer abused physically
I am in charge of my own life, choices and money
I don’t miss him.

On the other side, I lose time with my children
There is no wingman, it all falls in my shoulders.
I am very lonely, I lost friends in the divorce and somehow I’ve been cut adrift
Im older (v early 50s) and I don’t think I will meet anyone else. My looks are going and I feel really unattractive. I can’t imagine anyone finding me attractive again, or me finding anyone else attractive. I don’t think I even know what a normal relationship is.
I do worry for the future, and being 70 without anyone there for me.

InSpainTheRain · 30/08/2023 22:41

Definitely don't regret it!!

caringcarer · 30/08/2023 22:55

No I don't regret getting my divorce at all. Exh broke marriage vows by having an affair and as far as I was concerned that was it. I didn't want to be his wife anymore.

Original poster
Magicmouses · 31/08/2023 08:47

Really interesting to see these replies thank you!

OP posts:
RuthW · 31/08/2023 08:56

Best thing I ever did. Was very hard at the time and I would never has instigated it but made me who I am today.

Tweedlelove · 31/08/2023 08:59

Nope definitely no regrets. Financially maybe it’s harder sometimes but I have my freedom. In all aspects of the word that I never had before. I have learnt so much about myself and who I need in my life. I would also pick a man with very different traits to my ex. I don’t need a man to make me happy. I am retraining and love that I can provide for my children in the way I want.

CoteDOpale · 31/08/2023 09:04

Nope, not at all. Without it I’d be miserable and wouldn’t have met my DH or experienced a ‘proper’ marriage or felt real love.

Blew my mind when I realised how it was supposed to be.

Soopermum1 · 31/08/2023 10:45

No regrets at all, he was abusive and rather deranged towards the end so I had no choice but to divorce him. His behaviour before and after the split has really fucked the kids up though 😞 and I have to spend a lot of energy dealing with that.

I now have a massive mortgage but I kept the house and paid him off. He screwed every penny he could get out of me (and his children) patchy maintenance and badmouths me to the kids every chance he gets. He now has a massive amount of cash in his pocket (moved in with a girlfriend who has a council house ) so is rather litigious as a means of getting his way 😞

Met my DP about a year after we split and he's the love of my life. My only regret is not divorcing ex sooner, and meeting DP sooner.

80s · 31/08/2023 11:30

I'm ten years on from separating (divorce followed).

Long-term drawbacks:

  • seing adult kids less due to time-splitting (as mentioned above) and them not having a room in my home
  • no second income as a backup if something happens
  • will be poorer when retired
  • will not have my own home
  • my home is much smaller; it's fine, but not as nice
  • no family events (my own family are too far away, his don't invite me)
  • can't share memories of stuff we did years ago, in jokes lost forever!

Ways in which it has enriched my life:

  • found a flat, got a toolbox, built furniture, sorted tax, did loads of other independent things and felt stronger and prouder than I had in a long while
  • got counselling and worked through old fears
  • went out and did new things with new people, made new friends
  • had relationships and realised they could be better than I'd thought
  • confidence no longer chipped away by disapproving looks about the way I fold shirts or other nonsense

I particularly miss the reassurance of owning my own home, and I miss my old home, but if my ex came along and asked me to come back and share it again, I'd say no. Leaving him felt like waking up out of a vegetative state.

Jonti23 · 31/08/2023 13:48

Gahhhhereheisagain · 30/08/2023 17:39

@Jonti23 mine was addiction and definitely 'worth' divorcing over. You're happiness is enough of a reason to end a marriage.

Sorry about this, I think domestic violence of any type and addiction are completely valid reasons worth leaving for.

EmpressaurusOfCats · 31/08/2023 15:13

On my 40th birthday I realised that I could either be unhappy for the rest of my life or do something about it. No domestic violence, no addiction, we were just totally incompatible and bad for each other.

Coming up to my 50th, I know I made the right decision.

nofuturewithout · 31/08/2023 15:14

No! You only live once so if you aren’t happy then go for it. My husband used to irritate me to no end and I’m so much happier without him.

Original poster
Magicmouses · 31/08/2023 15:59

EmpressaurusOfCats · 31/08/2023 15:13

On my 40th birthday I realised that I could either be unhappy for the rest of my life or do something about it. No domestic violence, no addiction, we were just totally incompatible and bad for each other.

Coming up to my 50th, I know I made the right decision.

This really resonated with me - and you are happier now?

The general answer seems to be yes, despite the drawbacks. I’m just so scared…

OP posts:
Anniegetyourgun · 31/08/2023 16:12

It's kind of like being on a sinking ship and seeing an island in the distance. You have to leave the big ship with all its comforts and most of your luggage, squeeze into a tiny dinghy and paddle for the shore. It's hard, it's dangerous, you're not absolutely sure you'll make it, but if you stay where you are you sink without trace.

I have also previously likened leaving a toxic relationship as like having a tooth removed. It may hurt, and leaves a tender gap, but it's still got to go.

As for if I could go back in time... why, I'd never have been so daft as to marry the bugger in the first place!

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