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Relationships

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Original poster

Husband fancies my friend

84 replies

Graciejade · 29/08/2023 12:27

Hi, I was just wondering whether I could get some advice.

Me and my husband spent round 12/18 months hanging out with this other couple. I’d known the girl for years, and my husband had only recently got to know her, but made friends with her other half. We only really met when drinking was involved. Basically I figured my ‘friend’ for some reason was trying to break me and my husband up. She would flirt like mad when I wasn’t there, and make up things he had said or done to try and get us to argue. This would happen every few months, starting small and getting worse. Eventually I called her out on it and we fell out over it.

I’ve now found out that my husband actually ‘fancied her’ and finds her ‘really attractive’. Yes the idiot actually told me. Even though we don’t see them anymore, I just can’t get over that when she was flirting with him, he was actually enjoying the attention. That’s how I see it anyway. I keep asking him if he still finds her attractive and he says it doesn’t matter what he thinks as we don’t see them anymore. The thing is we live in a small town and he’s bound to bump into her now and again. I said I want him to ignore her and not speak to her if he ever sees her, and he says he won’t do that as he’s not rude. She looks the complete opposite to me so now I’m paranoid that he doesn’t fancy me anymore and now has a new type.

Am I just being paranoid or should I be annoyed with him for not being more sensitive towards the subject? He just keeps saying I’m going over the top and there isn’t even an issue.

OP posts:

BethDuttonsTwin · 29/08/2023 12:30

Hmm, not sure I’d stay married to him tbh.

Saysoe · 29/08/2023 12:31

Perhaps it’s part of his masterplan to make you feel insecure. He could have just told you nothing and you wouldn’t be feeling like this…..he didn’t and no man is stupid enough to not realise how this would make you feel, surely?

Original poster

Graciejade · 29/08/2023 12:32

I think he slipped up when he admitted to fancying her. He’s never made comments about any of my friends in the past, or any woman come to think of it.

OP posts:

GreyCarpet · 29/08/2023 12:36

I don't think.fancying a friend or finding them atractive is uncommon tbh.

That's not to say I think it's OK or I wouldn't have a problem with it though.

How/why did he tell you?

Hillrunning · 29/08/2023 12:37

He response now isn't great. He should be trying to reassure you. That being said, it is very hard when you are on the receiving end of flirting. Most people do find themselves enjoying the attention and so think they find the person attractive. I do t think there's anything wrong with feeling that way, I do think that he should have ended the friendship at the time and be behaving more kindly to your feelings now though.

lastminutewednesday · 29/08/2023 12:37

My ex best friend did this to be ex h. They are still together now having denied having an affair. They did have an affair. In plain sight. It was awful all round.

Your 'friend' is an awful person. And your husband is an idiot tbh, but also not much better. One of the worst things you can do to a person-it's a double betrayal.
Sorry op.

Kpcs · 29/08/2023 12:38

I would be unhappy about this. Whatever his motives are for saying that to you, they aren’t good. Your husband should be loyal to you and, if that means not giving the time of day to someone who has previously tried to cause trouble in your marriage, then so he should!

DeclineandFall · 29/08/2023 12:39

So the answer when you asked him if he still fancied her should've been a no. Whether he did or not. Anything else is just awful and designed to make you insecure and makes him a shitty person.

Somanycats · 29/08/2023 12:39

Oh. I fancy one of DHS friends. Is that bad? I've never told DH but he's not stupid so I'm sure he knows! Absolutely I enjoy flirting with the man - he's very good at it. We both know that said man is a bit of a tosser though so I would never go off with him. But absolutely I enjoy our interactions, why would I not?

HerAvatar · 29/08/2023 12:40

Graciejade · 29/08/2023 12:32

I think he slipped up when he admitted to fancying her. He’s never made comments about any of my friends in the past, or any woman come to think of it.

How exactly did that conversation come about OP?

GreyCarpet · 29/08/2023 12:40

Hillrunning · 29/08/2023 12:37

I've been on the receiving end of it and I hate it.

I can only see it as hugely disrespectful to all parties and not enjpyable or flattering in the slightest. I've cooled friendships on the basis of it.

Aikko · 29/08/2023 12:42

Hugely disrespectful to you.

He's one step away from saying he would have gone there if the offer was on the table and circumstances were different. Perhaps he already did in some capacity.

HerAvatar · 29/08/2023 12:43

Somanycats · 29/08/2023 12:39

Because it might be hurtful to your husband? Have you ever asked him if he finds it hurtful? How would you feel if you found out at some point that it did/does hurt him and he just hadn't liked to say anything? Does he flirt with other women in front of you?

Original poster

Graciejade · 29/08/2023 12:47

I asked him straight up if he found her attractive. He didn’t know where to put himself. Was silent for ages, then said he did find her attractive, but she’s ‘nowhere near as much as I am’.

OP posts:

TheGoodBanana · 29/08/2023 12:48

On one hand attractive people are attractive, it's not unusual to fancy them. The other hand you don't tell your partner!

I wouldn't be expecting him to be rude to her in public that seems unreasonable.

TheGoodBanana · 29/08/2023 12:50

If you asked him straight out then you only have yourself to blame.

Why put him in the position of either lying or admitting an attractive person is attractive.

Now you are trying to punish him because you feel insecure.

Hillrunning · 29/08/2023 12:53

GreyCarpet · 29/08/2023 12:40

I've been on the receiving end of it and I hate it.

I can only see it as hugely disrespectful to all parties and not enjpyable or flattering in the slightest. I've cooled friendships on the basis of it.

Show quote history

That is the ideal response yes. But lost of people would find themselves drawn to the giver of the attention. My point was that he should have done exactly what you did, cooled the friendship right away.

Pumpkindoodles · 29/08/2023 12:54

he can find people attractive, getting married doesn’t change that, he’s still human
BUT

he says it doesn’t matter what he thinks as we don’t see them anymore

this is NOT the right answer.

it should be that it doesn’t matter what he thinks about how attractive she may objectively be, because she isn’t you, he loves you, he is most attracted to you.
not because it’s just a bit of an effort logistically now.

add in that he let her flirt with him, and presumably didn’t shut that down when he liked her back and I’d be raging.

SchadenfreudeIstMeinMittelname · 29/08/2023 12:55

If you can't deal with an honest answer, don't ask the question.

Original poster

Graciejade · 29/08/2023 12:55

The thing is she is all mouth. She’s done this to lots of other couples in the past and caused arguments, and even breakups over it. I’ve only found this out recently through talking to other people about it. She’s never been a close friend so I didn’t know too much about her. He said if she did actually make a move on him he would have backed away and stopped the friendship, but who knows. It’s easy to just say that now.

OP posts:

Fallingthroughclouds · 29/08/2023 12:56

Graciejade · 29/08/2023 12:47

I asked him straight up if he found her attractive. He didn’t know where to put himself. Was silent for ages, then said he did find her attractive, but she’s ‘nowhere near as much as I am’.

Sounds like an honest response with a nice compliment to you too. If he'd lied you would have probably not believed him. If she's attractive he is likely to find her so, seems standard to me. He shouldn't have been so flirty, but I'd let this one go if you can.

Laurdo · 29/08/2023 13:00

Somanycats · 29/08/2023 12:39

That's a bit sad that you wouldn't go off with him because he's a bit of a tosser rather than because you love your DH.

Laurdo · 29/08/2023 13:04

Kpcs · 29/08/2023 12:38

100% this. He should be more concerned about your feelings rather then being worried about appearing rude to some woman who's tried to cause trouble in your marriage.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 29/08/2023 13:34

Somanycats · 29/08/2023 12:39

He's not the only tosser in the scenario.

If your behaviour is so obvious that your husband knows about it then you're out of order. Perhaps your husband will find somebody that he fancies also and you'll see it from the other side. I imagine it won't sit so happily with you then.

Original poster

Graciejade · 29/08/2023 13:41

I asked him if he would sleep with her if we
broke up. He said he would but I can’t get angry at him for hypothetical questions. He said when he was hanging out with her he wasn’t thinking about her in that way and he’s basically just answering a question on whether he found her attractive.

OP posts:

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