Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband fancies my friend

84 replies

Graciejade · 29/08/2023 12:27

Hi, I was just wondering whether I could get some advice.

Me and my husband spent round 12/18 months hanging out with this other couple. I’d known the girl for years, and my husband had only recently got to know her, but made friends with her other half. We only really met when drinking was involved. Basically I figured my ‘friend’ for some reason was trying to break me and my husband up. She would flirt like mad when I wasn’t there, and make up things he had said or done to try and get us to argue. This would happen every few months, starting small and getting worse. Eventually I called her out on it and we fell out over it.

I’ve now found out that my husband actually ‘fancied her’ and finds her ‘really attractive’. Yes the idiot actually told me. Even though we don’t see them anymore, I just can’t get over that when she was flirting with him, he was actually enjoying the attention. That’s how I see it anyway. I keep asking him if he still finds her attractive and he says it doesn’t matter what he thinks as we don’t see them anymore. The thing is we live in a small town and he’s bound to bump into her now and again. I said I want him to ignore her and not speak to her if he ever sees her, and he says he won’t do that as he’s not rude. She looks the complete opposite to me so now I’m paranoid that he doesn’t fancy me anymore and now has a new type.

Am I just being paranoid or should I be annoyed with him for not being more sensitive towards the subject? He just keeps saying I’m going over the top and there isn’t even an issue.

OP posts:
Namechange666 · 29/08/2023 13:44

Graciejade · 29/08/2023 13:41

I asked him if he would sleep with her if we
broke up. He said he would but I can’t get angry at him for hypothetical questions. He said when he was hanging out with her he wasn’t thinking about her in that way and he’s basically just answering a question on whether he found her attractive.

I aren't sure I could get past that after all your ex friend did to break you up. I'd be like go to her then and bye. But I'm petulant I guess.

Redpepperss · 29/08/2023 13:50

Honesty is not the best policy. Women ask things and get upset about it for goodness sake OP. Even saying hello to your ex friend could your DH not lie to spare your feelings if they were to bump into each other?

Although I don't agree with others falling out with someone and then dragging others to fall out too. However since he fancies the woman I can see how you want to avoid it.

Original poster
Graciejade · 29/08/2023 13:50

I have. He said if he really wanted her he would have made a move, or at the very least told her he liked her months ago. But for all I know he did and she knocked him back. There were times he was alone with her when I wasn’t around so who knows.

OP posts:
Laurdo · 29/08/2023 14:02

Graciejade · 29/08/2023 13:50

I have. He said if he really wanted her he would have made a move, or at the very least told her he liked her months ago. But for all I know he did and she knocked him back. There were times he was alone with her when I wasn’t around so who knows.

He doesn't have much respect for you or your marriage does he?

AmazingSnakeHead · 29/08/2023 14:38

Ok, but you asked him! I was on your side until you said that. If you directly ask him do you find her attractive, then his choices are lie or admit it.

My DP does this with celebrities, it drives me mad. It's all "Do you find him attractive? Don't you think he's really good looking? OMG I can't believe you don't, I'm going to tell my sisters you don't fancy him, everyone fancies him, that's absurd." And then if I say: OK yeah I think he's really good looking in this film, DP huffs and puffs and says, I didn't need to know that. And I just think: then why ask???

GreyCarpet · 29/08/2023 14:55

It does seem an odd thing to ask.

One of my partner's friends is an attractive man. If my partner asked me if I thought he was attractive what should I do?

Be honest and say yes I think he is? Or lie and say he isn't? What's the point in asking? Am I supposed to think it's a trap or just a curious enquiry?

I don't give this man a second thought from one week to the next. But if my partner asked me if, hypothetically, I'd sleep with him if I were single. What should I say? Yes because I probably would or no because that's the correct response?

What kind of response is appropriate?
These questions are wrong because it requires your partner to either be truthful and possibly hurt you in the process or lie to you. Most people, once you know them, are attractive on some level.

The problem is that, when asked, people say, "Yes, that person is attractive." But what the other person hears is, "Yes. And they're more attractive than you and I fancy them more than you and I'd be with if it weren't for you, which I'd obviously prefer!"

Its a completely pointless line of questioning.

Janieforever · 29/08/2023 14:57

Hmmmok, flirting like mad when you weren’t there. So the only assumption that can be drawn is your husband told you this.

I strongly suspect you fell out with the wrong person. What she told you was true and he was the flirt.

GreyCarpet · 29/08/2023 15:01

Graciejade · 29/08/2023 13:50

I have. He said if he really wanted her he would have made a move, or at the very least told her he liked her months ago. But for all I know he did and she knocked him back. There were times he was alone with her when I wasn’t around so who knows.

Again, what do you expect him to say?

People have affairs all the time. If she was flirting with him and he was interested in pursuing that, he would have done months ago. You're having hypothetical conversations and asking him to explain situations that haven't happened. It's really hard to answer hypothetical questions about things you haven't done as though you have and it's even harder to realise that the person asking these hypothetical questions is treating them as an admission of guilt.

I'm pretty sure that if I started picking out random women and asking if my partner thought they were attractive, he'd say they were. I'm also pretty sure that if I were to ask him if he'd have sex with them if he were single, he'd either be honest and say yes or lie and say no.

But why on earth would I ask!

dottiedodah · 29/08/2023 15:18

When in a hole stop digging and all that! Your "friend" sounds a bit tedious TBH. Surely most men would feel flattered that another female fancies them? Unless you are in your teens this seems strange behaviour to me .You no longer see them .Just move on .

GoodNightsSleep · 29/08/2023 15:40

From your OP you said that this ‘friend’ was trying to get you to have arguments and break you up as a couple. Based on what you’re now saying it looks like she has been successful. I think that you need to move past her efforts in this area, and as has been said above, stop persisting with these hypothetical questions, as they are so unproductive and just creating conflict.

Ihatepickingausername3 · 29/08/2023 15:42

dottiedodah · 29/08/2023 15:18

When in a hole stop digging and all that! Your "friend" sounds a bit tedious TBH. Surely most men would feel flattered that another female fancies them? Unless you are in your teens this seems strange behaviour to me .You no longer see them .Just move on .

I’d go with this

CantHaveTooMuchChocolate · 29/08/2023 15:55

GreyCarpet · 29/08/2023 15:01

Again, what do you expect him to say?

People have affairs all the time. If she was flirting with him and he was interested in pursuing that, he would have done months ago. You're having hypothetical conversations and asking him to explain situations that haven't happened. It's really hard to answer hypothetical questions about things you haven't done as though you have and it's even harder to realise that the person asking these hypothetical questions is treating them as an admission of guilt.

I'm pretty sure that if I started picking out random women and asking if my partner thought they were attractive, he'd say they were. I'm also pretty sure that if I were to ask him if he'd have sex with them if he were single, he'd either be honest and say yes or lie and say no.

But why on earth would I ask!

Show quote history

Agree it was a stupid thing to ask him, but I can’t get my head around his response “He said if he really wanted her he would have made a move”.

So is he saying he’d make a move even though he’s married, or in a hypothetical situation where he’s single? If it’s the former then that’s effectively saying if he finds someone attractive enough he’ll consider making a move?

RojoCarlottaValdez · 29/08/2023 16:28

Hanging around with other couples all the time always leads to this type of stuff. Your husband is crass, bad mannered and without taste to tell you he fancied your "friend". Be careful about letting other people right into your life and marriage like that. Friends are friends but your marriage is supposed to be a unique and exclusive relationship for life. You don't have to merge them. Take care.

Readingineading · 29/08/2023 16:34

Hmmm, I broke up with a partner of 10 years after he told me, during a rambling conversation that an ex girlfriend was the love of his life. The difference with me is that I hadn't asked him who was the love of his life - we were actually talking about work opportunities we regretted not taking. Like your H he tried to make out that what he said didnt have any effect on our relationship- I wasnt going to be his " good enough for now"

GreyCarpet · 29/08/2023 16:45

CantHaveTooMuchChocolate · 29/08/2023 15:55

Agree it was a stupid thing to ask him, but I can’t get my head around his response “He said if he really wanted her he would have made a move”.

So is he saying he’d make a move even though he’s married, or in a hypothetical situation where he’s single? If it’s the former then that’s effectively saying if he finds someone attractive enough he’ll consider making a move?

Show quote history

Tbh, I read that as him feeling uncomfortable and being put in an awkward position. He hadn't had the to process it all and carefully prepare an ideal response and he knew it was an emotionally fragile situation.

So is he saying he’d make a move even though he’s married, or in a hypothetical situation where he’s single? If it’s the former then that’s effectively saying if he finds someone attractive enough he’ll consider making a move?

It's possible. But isn't this a bit like when someone says, "You look really lovely today," and the other person responds with "Don't I look really lovely normally then?" You can pick apart and deconstruct any comment to the nth degree. It's trap setting.

I think he probably said that because he was trying to reassure her that if he was interested in pursuing something he'd have done so at the time and it's not something she should be worried about.

Aworldofwonder · 29/08/2023 16:58

Hmmmm this is a bit more complicated than it seemed initially.

Are you worried that something did happen with them? Can you provide more details of what things she claimed and how he reacted?

I had a friend who caused problems. Thankfully he didn't respond. I didn't completely cut her out but I did step away.

readbooksdrinktea · 29/08/2023 17:00

Graciejade · 29/08/2023 12:47

I asked him straight up if he found her attractive. He didn’t know where to put himself. Was silent for ages, then said he did find her attractive, but she’s ‘nowhere near as much as I am’.

You asked him! At least he didn't lie.

LifeExperience · 29/08/2023 17:01

You need to stop asking him questions that you really don't want to know the answers to.

readbooksdrinktea · 29/08/2023 17:02

LifeExperience · 29/08/2023 17:01

You need to stop asking him questions that you really don't want to know the answers to.

Yes! Why keep digging?

bringoutthebranston · 29/08/2023 17:05

LifeExperience · 29/08/2023 17:01

You need to stop asking him questions that you really don't want to know the answers to.

..my thoughts exactly. I wouldn't like being tested out by a partner like that. Insecurities in a relationship are toxic. That's exactly why I am leaving my STBXH after 20 years

billy1966 · 29/08/2023 17:07

Graciejade · 29/08/2023 13:50

I have. He said if he really wanted her he would have made a move, or at the very least told her he liked her months ago. But for all I know he did and she knocked him back. There were times he was alone with her when I wasn’t around so who knows.

What a prince🙄

Ick.

Dandelion7 · 29/08/2023 17:11

Hmm this is complicated. From your first posts I honestly thought it was a little overblown. My husband is really attractive and often has women flirt with him. I'm really secure in our relationship though, so it doesn't worry me at all. I imagine he sometimes finds them more attractive than me. I've dated less attractive men that could have been easily turned by a little flattery and I would have felt insecure.

But your post of him saying he'd sleep with her if you split up... to me, that would really get me. He's not reassuring you. Surely he'd say that would never happen. Also, the way she's conducted herself, my husband would probably say something along the lines of "she's physically attractive and I'm flattered, but what a moron behaving like that to her friend. I wouldn't touch her with a bargepole, because she's obviously got issues." Etc.

So in summary, it's hard to capture in a few words in an online post, but i can understand why you're feeling insecure. I'd want to address it for sure. Maybe don't centre on the lady herself, but how her behaviour and your husband's made you feel and work on your relationship together. I'd probably see a counsellor together to see if you can get to the root of the problem.

Hibiscrubbed · 29/08/2023 17:17

The fuck is he playing at? I wouldn’t put up with this. Stupid fucker.

MasterBeth · 29/08/2023 22:06

GreyCarpet · 29/08/2023 14:55

It does seem an odd thing to ask.

One of my partner's friends is an attractive man. If my partner asked me if I thought he was attractive what should I do?

Be honest and say yes I think he is? Or lie and say he isn't? What's the point in asking? Am I supposed to think it's a trap or just a curious enquiry?

I don't give this man a second thought from one week to the next. But if my partner asked me if, hypothetically, I'd sleep with him if I were single. What should I say? Yes because I probably would or no because that's the correct response?

What kind of response is appropriate?
These questions are wrong because it requires your partner to either be truthful and possibly hurt you in the process or lie to you. Most people, once you know them, are attractive on some level.

The problem is that, when asked, people say, "Yes, that person is attractive." But what the other person hears is, "Yes. And they're more attractive than you and I fancy them more than you and I'd be with if it weren't for you, which I'd obviously prefer!"

Its a completely pointless line of questioning.

Agree with all of this.

(Nearly) everyone will find other people attractive in a long term relationship. Just keep it to yourself. No-one else needs to know.

porridgeisbae · 29/08/2023 22:16

She wouldn'tve knocked him back, she's a slapper who was trying it on with him.

I had a friend like this- after we split up she still kept phoning my partner, even though she'd claimed not to fancy him (but made a play for him in front of me.) Who knows if something more happened later.

I don't want to make you paranoid OP, but I would be trying to sneakily look at his phone/apps etc to see if they've kept in touch.