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Original poster

Husband fancies my friend

84 replies

Graciejade · 29/08/2023 12:27

Hi, I was just wondering whether I could get some advice.

Me and my husband spent round 12/18 months hanging out with this other couple. I’d known the girl for years, and my husband had only recently got to know her, but made friends with her other half. We only really met when drinking was involved. Basically I figured my ‘friend’ for some reason was trying to break me and my husband up. She would flirt like mad when I wasn’t there, and make up things he had said or done to try and get us to argue. This would happen every few months, starting small and getting worse. Eventually I called her out on it and we fell out over it.

I’ve now found out that my husband actually ‘fancied her’ and finds her ‘really attractive’. Yes the idiot actually told me. Even though we don’t see them anymore, I just can’t get over that when she was flirting with him, he was actually enjoying the attention. That’s how I see it anyway. I keep asking him if he still finds her attractive and he says it doesn’t matter what he thinks as we don’t see them anymore. The thing is we live in a small town and he’s bound to bump into her now and again. I said I want him to ignore her and not speak to her if he ever sees her, and he says he won’t do that as he’s not rude. She looks the complete opposite to me so now I’m paranoid that he doesn’t fancy me anymore and now has a new type.

Am I just being paranoid or should I be annoyed with him for not being more sensitive towards the subject? He just keeps saying I’m going over the top and there isn’t even an issue.

OP posts:

MsDogLady · 29/08/2023 23:44

So he told you: She would flirt like mad when I wasn’t there...

And she told you about: things he said or done to try and get us to argue.

@Graciejade, it sounds like they were both trying to make you uncomfortable. What were these things she told you that he claimed were made up?

This woman was never a friend of your marriage, but that didn’t deter your H from enjoying her flirting and attention. He didn’t want to shut it down, nor did he care that she was taunting you. Why did her contempt toward you and ‘lies’ about him not repel and make him livid? What kind of game were they playing?

It’s despicable that he is now acknowledging that (1) he would sleep with her if you split up, (2) he would have made a move if he’d really wanted to, and
(3) he’ll engage with her if he runs into her. He is well aware that these statements will greatly unsettle you. His claim that it’s all moot anyway, as she’s no longer in the picture, doesn’t lessen the sting and betrayal of his words.

@Graciejade, I believe they fancied each other and actually had a mutual flirtation going, and he got a buzz from the connection and validation. That was his priority, otherwise he would have definitively distanced himself out of respect for you, the marriage, and himself….and he’d want to distance himself now.

I suspect that she wasn’t ‘making up’ all of those things about him.

Walesagogo · 30/08/2023 00:07

Graciejade · 29/08/2023 13:50

I have. He said if he really wanted her he would have made a move, or at the very least told her he liked her months ago. But for all I know he did and she knocked him back. There were times he was alone with her when I wasn’t around so who knows.

I was thinking that he just found her attractive because he'd had his ego stroked until I saw this post of yours. Can't believe he had the cheek to admit that he would've made a move if he had liked her??!! Just wtf? To actually admit that would be a deal breaker to me.

Theoriginalmrscillianmurphy · 30/08/2023 01:22

She is insecure as fuck.

Don't let her make herself feel better to the detriment of your relationship.

I had a friend like this years ago and I told her to fuck right off.

Don't be polite, tell her to fuck right off and call her out in front of her partner.

Get him thinking too.

thecatinthetwat · 30/08/2023 01:27

He’s been really selfish. I’m not sure why he isn’t angry at what she’s said to you. What’s his reaction? When you told him what she had accused him of, did he minimise it, or was he shocked/cross/…?

scoobydoo1971 · 30/08/2023 01:33

Most of us have met a drama-lama like your ex-friend, who has to make it all about her and what she wants. They are professional stirrers who are pathologically bored (and boring) people needing to shake things up to remain relevant, and (self)important. She isn't your problem really, but your husband is your big problem. I wouldn't stay with a man who didn't stick up for me, and openly admitted attraction to another woman. Men fancy other people outside their relationships, just as women do. Admitting that to a spouse or partner is stupid or disrespectful, and repeating that statement is very uncaring indeed in a monogamous relationship. I would be having serious thoughts about the future of the marriage based on this lack of trust, commitment and shared values. It can only grind you down over the years knowing he has a wandering eye.

Original poster

Graciejade · 30/08/2023 06:56

I did ask her once what she thought of my husband, and she laughed and shook her head just saying no. Almost acting like she thought he was unattractive. Which by me at the time was fine, if not a bit disrespectful. Looking back now, was she lying, was she telling the truth, who knows. Maybe she was just playing a game to get attention like she has before with other couples.

OP posts:

millymollymoomoo · 30/08/2023 07:09

Seems the friend us getting what she wants then
you’re insecure and asking stupid questions and making up hypothetical scenarios
you’re mistrustful of yiu dh and starting to demand what he does and who he sees

the two surest ways to ultimately cause the breakup of your marriage

of course that doesn’t mean be a doormat but insecurity and quizzing is not a good quality and I’d be really pissed of iff my partner was like this

Thisisworsethananticpated · 30/08/2023 07:31

Well she’s suceeded in totally balling things up between you hasn’t she ?

personally I’d withdraw from battle for a while and do some thinking 🤔

he’s been very insensitive and has clearly enjoyed the attention
he’s also tactless

but doesn’t sound like he’s actually cheated

but you know him best to determine did anything happen ? Or has he been mainly insensitive and thoughtless ?

GreyCarpet · 30/08/2023 08:10

Seems the friend us getting what she wants then
you’re insecure and asking stupid questions and making up hypothetical scenarios
you’re mistrustful of yiu dh and starting to demand what he does and who he sees

This.

He's been a bit of a dick but it's likely that he hasn't given too much thought to your questions or the whole situation and is a bit 'put on the spot' when you've questioned him which is why his responses seem thoughtless. Because they are, quite literally, without thought.

Some people on MN will jump straight to the man being a dick and in some, if not many, cases they will be right. But they also underestimate the spiteful vanity of some women who take great pleasure in disrupting relationships for their own pleasure.

Blueturtle15 · 30/08/2023 08:14

Your husband is an idiot. Even if he felt that way he should have the maturity to keep his little fantasy to himself. Ask yourself

Why would you tell someone you love and are in a relationship with that you fancy another woman?

Why would you tell your partner you was enjoying her friends beauty and attention?

The whole thing is completely cruel. There's never a reason to say these things.

Sounds like triangulation to me.

Blueturtle15 · 30/08/2023 08:16

My ex used to say even though I have a ferrari I'm still gunna check out the lambighinis (I can't spell haha)

It made me cringe that he actually had a saying to say even though I have a girlfriend I'm gunna look at the other types of women I'd like to sleep with!

GreyCarpet · 30/08/2023 08:20

Why would you tell someone you love and are in a relationship with that you fancy another woman?

She asked him if he thought she was attractive and then continued to question him. He didn't volunteer it over Sunday lunch.

Would she have believed him if he'd said he didn't think an attractive woman was attractive?

Mandarina4 · 30/08/2023 08:21

I was in a similar situation a while ago. They were the parents of a classmate of our son. We weren't close friends but we sometimes had a coffee together or visited each other. It started with small things. My husband is a very quiet and serious person but all of a sudden he would make jokes and she laughed like crazy, which I found weird but I dismissed it at the moment. Then I noticed he was constantly staring at her when we were all together, for instance: she touched her face, his eyes followed her hand, etc. I know it sounds silly but it was very obvious. I asked him if he liked her and he said she was so easy to talk to. It was the first time he had said that about another woman. As I said, he's the kind of man that is quiet everywhere! He doesn't talk much at all but with her the conversation kept flowing and flowing. Her partner didn't seem to mind so I just let it go.

We met once again and it was the last time. She called me and asked if we wanted to grab a coffee. When we met them, she threw herself at my husband and gave him a very strong hug. It was the first time I saw my husband blush. I knew then that he felt attracted to her. The rest of the time we spent with them that morning was torture. We had a chat at home and he said he felt she crossed a line when she hugged him and that he blushed because it was such an unpleasant situation and inappropriate.

It was my husband the one that decided not to meet them anymore. I trust him and I knew he didn't want this to go further.

It is normal to feel attracted to other people even if you are married, we're not robots. The important thing is not to act on those feelings, I guess.

NorwayLass · 30/08/2023 08:21

What did she say to upset you? What did she say he said

Mayaunni · 30/08/2023 08:47

So I’m new here and I really need some advice.

My husband and i are married for 10 years. Both of us are working in same company but different departments.Yesterday from one of my friend i found out that my husband is chatting with some girl from other department.My friend accidentally saw their chat(they are roommates)
I asked him about this and he told they are just friends.But they are messaging about each and everything happening on daily basis. They are sending so many messages in a day like what they were doing, where they are going, what they are eating like everything (he even asked her whether she took a shower)but nothing sexual. I found this is strange but my husband is telling me this is very normal and he is behaving like i am some toxic person trying to stop him from having friends.I told him stop messaging her like this and he doesn’t want to stop. We are not checking each other’s phone and don’t even know the passwords. Al these are told by my friend and when i asked him he admitted. Am I really the toxic person? Friendship like this is really normal?

pompomdaisy · 30/08/2023 08:50

Well he's been honest so that's a plus. But he's an idiot for admitting it. He hasn't actually done anything though op so let it go.

randomusernam · 30/08/2023 08:54

How can he be more worried about being rude to her than being rude to you? They have both been rude by flirting and admitting to fancying her! It would be rude for him to speak with her now. I would be drawing a hard line and if he can't stick to it he doesn't respect you

Original poster

Graciejade · 30/08/2023 19:56

When I called her out, she just said ‘you know I’m flirty when I’m drunk’. The thing is when sober she would sometimes completely ignore my husband, to the point where she wouldn’t even give him eye contact just stare at her phone. Then when he was drinking with her husband ( without me ) and she would occasionally turn up, she would be really over friendly, acting like they’re best friends, very flirty, touchy feely etc. Even more so when her husband wasn’t there, to go to the shop and buy more alcohol etc. I have no problem with my friends being a bit flirty with him, most of my friends are, but they do it Infront of me, not just behind my back. It just seems really sneaky. Or maybe I’m just over thinking.

OP posts:

MsDogLady · 30/08/2023 20:30

@Graciejade, can you elaborate about the things she made up about your H?

Original poster

Graciejade · 30/08/2023 20:41

She came running to me 1 night saying how my husband had complimented her outfit, saying how nice she looked etc. luckily there were other people there and someone we didn’t know who happened to be there ( my husband didn’t realize ) stuck up for my husband and said he hadn’t said that. She’d say stuff like he was paraletic to annoy me when other people said he only had like 3 beers. We met them plus some of their friends once for drinks in the afternoon. I had to leave early for work and my husband stayed out a bit later with them. She ignored me the whole time basically, sitting the other side of the table. As soon as I went she went and sat next to my husband, asked him to buy her a drink and was just really chatty and flirty. I could go on there’s been so many incidents honestly …

OP posts:

Pancakefam · 30/08/2023 20:43

Ah totally blamed your partner and then read your update. I don't think he's done the right thing though. It's as though he enjoys your insecurity.

MsDogLady · 30/08/2023 22:32

Yes, Gracie, I see that OW had a thirst for your H’s attention, as well as an agenda to lie to, goad, and sideline you.

It speaks volumes that, on learning about her lies about him and her taunting of you, he didn’t have the gumption to stand up for you and your relationship and tell her some home truths. Instead, he entertained her flirting, bought her drinks, and, as you now know, was thoroughly enjoying their mutual attraction.

Do you know if they were messaging each other or meeting up 1:1 ?

What are you thinking about it all now, Gracie? Can you come back from H saying that he fancied this conniving OW and would sleep with her if you broke up? I know I couldn’t.

givingupchocolatemonday · 30/08/2023 23:16

Fancying someone isn't a crime, even for married couples however actually telling them is!! I wouldn't be happy with it, and the fact he's not got your back when you've asked him to ignore her. Not sure how I'd handle it, depends how everything else in the relationship was I suppose

Original poster

Graciejade · 31/08/2023 08:02

My husband is an outside contractor and has his own business. He’s done work to her house before ( at a ridiculously reduced price ) She’s messaged him a fair few times to do work but then it usually turns to chit chat which I don’t like now knowing what he thought about her. She denied messaging and showed me her phone for DM’s, messages etc. They had all been deleted which is bizarre as she doesn’t delete any messages.

OP posts:

Bingos · 31/08/2023 08:05

Somanycats · 29/08/2023 12:39

Oh. I fancy one of DHS friends. Is that bad? I've never told DH but he's not stupid so I'm sure he knows! Absolutely I enjoy flirting with the man - he's very good at it. We both know that said man is a bit of a tosser though so I would never go off with him. But absolutely I enjoy our interactions, why would I not?

You wouldn't go off with him because he's a tossed? Not because you love and respect your husband?

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