Husband fancies my friend

[Graciejade]

Hi, I was just wondering whether I could get some advice.

Me and my husband spent round 12/18 months hanging out with this other couple. I’d known the girl for years, and my husband had only recently got to know her, but made friends with her other half. We only really met when drinking was involved. Basically I figured my ‘friend’ for some reason was trying to break me and my husband up. She would flirt like mad when I wasn’t there, and make up things he had said or done to try and get us to argue. This would happen every few months, starting small and getting worse. Eventually I called her out on it and we fell out over it.

I’ve now found out that my husband actually ‘fancied her’ and finds her ‘really attractive’. Yes the idiot actually told me. Even though we don’t see them anymore, I just can’t get over that when she was flirting with him, he was actually enjoying the attention. That’s how I see it anyway. I keep asking him if he still finds her attractive and he says it doesn’t matter what he thinks as we don’t see them anymore. The thing is we live in a small town and he’s bound to bump into her now and again. I said I want him to ignore her and not speak to her if he ever sees her, and he says he won’t do that as he’s not rude. She looks the complete opposite to me so now I’m paranoid that he doesn’t fancy me anymore and now has a new type.

Am I just being paranoid or should I be annoyed with him for not being more sensitive towards the subject? He just keeps saying I’m going over the top and there isn’t even an issue.

You wouldn't be feeling insecure in this scenario? Well done to you, but insecurity is on the spectrum of normal human emotions. It's normal to feel if sometimes, like when:

your DH and friend are flirting behind your back he fancies her
He said he was knocked back by her
They want to shag each other (probably) - see above

Before all this happened he said he used to get an awkward, weird vibe when he was round her, that he hadn’t got from any other woman before ( he’d been with a fair few before we got together ). Now I’m just thinking it was awkward cuz he used to fancy her.

I didn't say I wouldn't be feeling insecure. But I think there are a lot of posts ignoring this woman's behaviour that are overly criticising the husband and I think those are going to add to the OP's insecurity and damage how she feels about him potentially.

The husband hasn't behaved ideally or impeccably or even well but, having known women who behave like this and the propensity of MN posters to say women never do it without encouragement, I don't think it's fair to ignore her role in it and lay it all at the feet of the husband.

At the time, that was probably his way of excusing away his feelings that he fancied her.

This sounds dodgy, OP. His responses are unusual for a man who might find a woman attractive but who is maintaining boundaries. If you ask a man 'do you find her attractive', I would expect him to say something like 'yeah, she's attractive'. Honest answer. They wouldn't say that they fancied her, or that they'd sleep with her if they were not in a relationship with you.
They've become too close, boundaries have been worn down.

Important point @GreyCarpet yeah, we must surely know of, or have experienced, at least one woman who is an out-and-out flirt, who makes it a mission to get a man she's interested in. Nobody profits from having this type of woman in a friendship group. They can cause chaos and upset.

I agree. I blocked her on all his social media and he said I was going over the top and had a little strop about it. Obviously stopped him from perving at her photo updates. I think over time it will be fine as he will forget about her ( hopefully ) if he isn’t seeing or interacting with her but it’s just got me paranoid about who else he fancies now, cuz I never would of guessed he was into her in a million years before he told me. He even made negative comments about her looks in the past, years before all this even came up.

Nothing wrong with being attracted to someone else - if there is no way you would go there . We’re human , we’re going to find others attractive . Doesn’t mean we want them .

BUT - and a vest big but - telling you that is hugely disrespectful. Absolutely no need to tell you and it’s only going to make you feel shitty. That’s what I would be angry about , that’s he’s told you . It would definitely make me wonder if he would go there and I wouldn’t be able to forget it. It would enrage me . To say he won’t ignore her after you know she interfered in your relationship is also hugely disrespectful too - it’s making it look like he thinks nothing of your feelings but he doesn’t want to hurt hers .

I Might make this 1000 times worse but are you sure she was in the wrong? It sounds to me like if he liked her the flirting or her saying things he had done and him telling you she was making it up could be false and he could have made that up to cover his tracks.
If you know for sure he was telling the truth I think he has been very honest with you, we will always find others attractive and I think if he’s honest with you then you have nothing to worry about. He loves you, if he didn’t he would have jumped at the chance to get with her especially if she was throwing herself at him.
it hurts I know it does and it will be hard to get over but the truth is we all find other’s attention just because your married doesn’t mean you never find others attractive again, it’s how you behave that matters and from what you have said he sounds like he’s been very transparent about the whole situation