"But we took you to stately homes" part 3

[oneplusone]

Sorry for starting part 3 if it has already been started but i logged on just now and found the previous thread has reached 1000 posts. And my title is not very inspiring, Ally90, please help!

Hi....was recommended to "join" this thread by a couple of people on here.....I posted the stuff below on the relationships thread....have reposted as an explanation of where I am up to so far.....

My Mum and her husband moved to France about 5 years ago. We always had a strained relationship but I was really upset when she went, for my childrens sake more than anything. Anyhoo, the first time we went over we had a huge bust up.....she said she was going to bed crying everynight because she felt she was doing everything round the house, cooking cleaning etc whilst I did bugger all....I wasnt aware of being deliberately lazy, I had 2 small children with me who did take 5 or 10 minutes of my time each day and if I have anyone to stay, I wouldnt expect them to do anything as they are my guests.....anyway, we made amends of sorts and it has all been a bit strained since....

They always come over for Xmas for a few days and have announced that they wont be doing this year and its really upset me....I know I shouldnt be bothered and I wish I wasnt. The thing is before I see her I have 2 or 3 days of IBS getting so wound up about it.....sorry this is a bit of a ramble and is the edited highlights....just wanted to get it down I suppose

thanks for the reply....it wasnt a quick decision, they retired there....I think my Mums husband was keener to go than her and my Mum found it very difficult to adjust, I think she was very naive personally - real life isnt like being on holiday somewhere - no shit Sherlock. I did feel a total sense of abandonment - is it selfish to expect a Mother to always live for her children though, why shouldnt she do what she wants now I am grown up - these sort of feelings confuse me

As a kid I always felt left out somehow, they were the sort of couple who I dont think should have had children, I was an only one and I have an awful feeling that they only had me as it would give them more rights to stay in the USA where my Dad was working - I have never dared ask because I am scared of the answer. Its funny but I dont really see them as my parents, I dont know why....

My Mum and Dad split up after about 22/23 years, my Mum had an affair with the man she is now married to. No-one saw it coming although she did tell me she had had sex with someone at a works do (pre split)and thats always something a child wants to here no matter how old they were

I didnt speak to her for about 5 years after and was only reconciled with her after I has my first child which is where I was introduced to him...it has been ok since then. I didnt speak to her because I felt she had done wrong because if she was so unhappy - she never showed any signs of this, she should have left but she waited until someone else came along who could provide a similar standard of living.

Interestingly her husbands children have not spoken to him since he left their mother and his sister is not really bothered enough to get in touch with him

I just hate this knee jerk emotional response I have, like Pavlovs dogs, I am crying as I write this - why for fecks sake....its that constant feeling of being not good enough.....and I totally cannot understand her not wanting to see her grandchildren she proffesses to love at Xmas - I wouldnt put any man before my children

I have read bits of the threads about the stately homes, to be honest I have never written any of this down before but saw there may be people here who would understand what I was talking about. I will get the book out of the library....trouble is I feel a bit of a fraud because (as my Mother has pointed out) its not like we ever hit you or anything....so I do love the title of "well we took you to stately homes" and when you hear of sexual and physical or even mental abuse I do think mine is not in the same league and hey she was maybe doing her best, now I am a parent, I know how difficult it is

sorry this is turning into "in the psychologists chair"

oneplusone or Ally or...... can you tell me which of Alice Miller's books talks specifically about rage passed on? I have read many of your posts with interest and am interested in exploring this topic further.

Thanks!

oneplusone or Ally or...... can you tell me which of Alice Miller's books talks specifically about rage passed on? I have read many of your posts with interest and am interested in exploring this topic further.

Thanks!

SuzieQT, I really admire your post because you are admitting to getting things wrong with your DCs and you know it is because of your upbringing. It takes a lot of guts to say this. This makes you much better than your parents already! Your mother didn't break the chain of bad parenting with you and now she still doesn't admit that she got things wrong. You are actively thinking about how to do things differently and care a lot about not carrying on the same ways.

Therapy would help you.

Reading the books people recommend on here would help.

I wrote a list of all the things I wanted but didn't get as a child, then made a list of what I'm doing wrong with regards to the list, also what I am doing right, then a list of things to try to do more of or do differently to give my DCs the things on the original list. It helps me think about what I'm doing more, although I should re-read it more often.

Another method I am trying to use is imagining there is a film crew filming my parenting and the main commentator in the film is my therapist, whose opinion I really respect and hate the thought of him thinking badly of me. In my mind he asks me the reasoning behind each 'parenting technique' I am using at the time and I explain what I am doing. I try to do the things I think he would do. Do you have any role models like this?

I was no good at cuddling, kissing, praising, using comforting words, saying affectionate things when I first had children as I hadn't had these things myself and hadn't had role models to learn from. I decided I must force myself to do the things I felt unnatural/uncomfortable about doing and keep 'practicing' doing it until it felt more comfortable. I watched how friends behaved with their children and tried to copy the good bits and learn about what is normal. I don't feel like a good mother but I have improved.

I often feel like closing off from my children and not interacting with them. They often seem too much for me. The thought of turning into my parents is terrifying though so I will keep trying and fighting against it.

DuffyMoon, I am trying to unravel your post and find the important points. It sounds like you felt abandoned when your mother moved out of the country.

It sounds like when you visit you feel that she sees you as hard work, rather than just enjoying being with you and resents providing the hospitality. FWIW when people stay at my house I don't expect them to do any of the housework type things and when I visit other people I don't feel I should have to do it.

It sounds like you feel rejected because she isn't visiting at Xmas and you feel like her DH is more important than you. You seem like you believe he persuaded her to leave the country and she chose his wishes over staying close to her daughter.

This seems to be what you expect her to do (put you second), as that is how you felt when her and your father were together and they seemed to focus on each other much more than on you.

Then your mother had an affair and it felt like she took your father away from you.

It does sound like she is quite a self centred person and took care of getting her own emotional needs met, through whichever man she was with, before thinking about yours. This has made you feel insecure about her love for you and I'm not surprised. This is not your fault.

It is horrible to feel like you are not special to your parents, you are just 'there', making their life harder work. (feel awful writing that as I think that is how I make my children feel half of the time .) God that was a bit of a lightbulb moment for me actually. My birthparents and adoptive parents made me feel like this and I can see I'm in danger of carrying it on.

Ally90, thank you for your advice. I feel I need to be reminded I am not responsible for helping my parents and brother and should only do it if I want to. If it drags me down and overburdens me so that I have less of myself to give to my DCs and DH - the ones who deserve my attention the most - then it is wrong for me to do it. What works best for my relationship with DCs and DH is the thing to focus on. This really helps me feel clearer.

I found it really comforting what you said about boundaries can be changed, they are not set in stone. I can try it out and modify it if I'm not happy with it. This is the sort of simple thing my therapist would say, which sounds really obvious but I just wouldn't have thought of it on my own.

It sounds like a really good goal to put effort into nurturing the relationships in which people treat you properly, and let the more unhealthy relationships phase out by putting less effort into them.

I will read and contribute later when the kids are not around

Thanks ActingNormal. Only thing is.... I had NEVER considered that this anger might have something to do with my childhood. The coldness in me sometimes, yes, but the anger? Why? I just thought I was one of those people that children bring out the worst in when they misbehave. TBH I am delighted that there might be an explanation for the intense anger I feel. Maybe understanding this will help me to change it....? Many times I have thought to seek help to understand the anger in me, but I didn't know where to start. This thread is actually quite a good place to start.

I realise my post does not make sense. To clarify: I am currently getting hold of Alice Miller's book which talks about anger passed on to your children. The two issues I have with my own parenting are:

1. I feel coldness towards my children quite a lot
2. I frequently feel intense anger towards my children and can fly off the handle at the slightest thing. I do not understand where this anger stems from

I am exploring how my own childhood might have caused these two things in order that I can change them and be a better parent, before history repeats itself.

hi suzi, have only just seen your posts. Re Alice Miller, she has written loads of books but the one that has pretty much become my bible is Drama of the Gifted Child. But, it is very difficult to read and fully grasp what she is saying. I think I have read it about 10 times and each time I gain some new knowledge from it.

I can totally relate to how you describe your feelings ie coldness and intense anger towards your children. I am so pleased you are going to read Alice Miller as her work has transformed my relationship with my DD. I used to feel very cold towards her, detached really. And at other times I would feel all out rage and hatred towards her and at the same time I knew she had done nothing to deserve it. I felt absolutely awful and yet it seemed impossible to change my feelings towards her.

It has taken a long time and a lot of hard work on my part to reach where i am now. I can honestly say the dreadful rage i used to feel at DD has pretty much gone, i can't remember the last time i felt like that, whereas a while ago it used to happen regularly. The coldness has also improved but i still think i need to work on that a bit more. I don't think i will ever feel the same attachment or bond towards DD that i feel towards DS. With DS, the moment he was born i felt we had a bond/connection and i knew i loved him more than life itself and i still feel the same way about him, he has me wrapped around his little finger!

I have worked out that my difficult relationship with DD is a repetition of my own relationship with my mother. I strongly suspect that my mother did not bond with me as a baby and we have been distant (as opposed to close) all our lives. I also had a distant relationship with both my younger sisters and i sm sure that this is the reason i didn't bond with DD.

I have spent a lot of time thinking about my relationship with my mother and sisters, i have felt a lot of the emotions i kept suppressed as a child and although it is painful to do this, as Alice Miller says, it is the only way to heal the pain from your past and to feel at peace with yourself inside.

I would also recommend her book The Truth Will Set You Free, it's much easier to read than the Drama and may be a good starting point for you. (I had to get it second hand from amazon).

Good luck, it takes a lot of courage, strength and stamina to do what you are doing but it is well worth it, if only for the sake of your DC's.

I haven't posted on this thread for a while but will check in again in case you have any more questions.

Suzi, to nurture our children we need to be nurtured ourself. If we have nothing to give, the response can be to lash out in anger at them for demanding something you don't have and never did have. What works for me is to spend time doing something each day that I enjoy. Not spending time on here that seems to drain me! But to read, play with my cat, do some housework (I feel satisfied at the dirty becoming clean...!) just something that makes me feel nurtured in some way. Also perhaps try to disconnect your anger from your children. Its not their fault they are acting like children. The problem is with your upbringing. That said I don't mean that to be something you beat yourself up with (beating yourself up does not help, you just stagnate instead and nothing changes!)...just a tool to use. Recognise the anger is perhaps at your mother, at yourself for not doing a 'good enough' job as a mother (that one is definately my personal experience...if I think I'm doing a crap job I get really angry at my dd ). Anger can come from so many sources though. What I have said may not ring any bells for you...what is quite useful is a brainstorming session...just put the word ANGER in the middle of a piece of paper and put down everything that pops into your head and see where it leads...and try not to block any thoughts as they are just too unpleasant to contemplate...they are often the most useful 'keys' to unlock your subconcious feelings where the anger really comes from.

Welcome to DuffyMoon

Itati - Do your boys seem genuinely upset and unhappy? Do they talk about it afterwards?

ActingNormal - you really want to spend the rest of your life changing the people who abused you? They are responsible for themselves. You are responsible for you and your dc and your relationship with dh. You are taking too much on. In theory, its wonderful...but in practice...do you really have the emotional energy for this? I know I have a hard time stepping back from my neices, whenever I'm around them, that night I cannot sleep because I worry about them. In fact I now avoid them because I know it saps my attention from dd. I only realise this because I have withdrawn so much for difficult people, when I do come in contact I'm much more aware of my state of mind afterwards. And yes your dh should support you. Your his wife.

Gotta go...must go nurture self

Ally

I don't think the 3 year old cares but I think the 7 year old was confused why she wouldn't let him help.

Currently all upstairs playing.

oneplusone. Thanks. I have three sons and I have found that with each child the 'symptoms' have got 'better'. I find it easiest to cuddle my third son. I clash the most with my first born.

My main question was how have you come to the conclusion that the anger and coldness you feel is in some way related to your childhood? I am certainly not conscious of this. All I know is that my mother is intensely cold and largely shuns physical contact with me. She is completely unable to deal with any issues that involve emotions. Always been the same. Emotionally barren.

My sister feels the same as me about our mother. I do not get on with my sister. I have always played second fiddle to my sister. I am a middle child.

I think my sister has been affected worse than me. I have watched her with her daughter. She controls her, is often cold towards her, hugs her stiffly and displays many unnecessary angry outbursts to keep the child in line. She does not allow her daughter to be a child. The child never puts a foot wrong. My mother believes this the the way a child should be; under control. Therefore she believes that my sister is a good parent reflected by my neice's behaviour. My children are allowed to be children and my mother baulks at their rough play, naughtiness and sometimes cheekiness. This is a constant source of misery for me.

The fact that my sister appears cold and angry does help the theory that we are both somehow affected by our mother's stiffness and coldness.

hi suzi, it's quite difficult to answer your question. I have come to this conclusion as a result of reading Alice Miller's books. I have come to realise that i had a lot of anger inside me which should have been directed at my parents but which i was directing at DD (and DH sometimes). My anger was due to the way i was abused by both my parents in different ways and had never been expressed but suppressed by me for many many years. It had been suppressed for so long that i had forgotten why i was angry and with whom. By going back to my childhood, to the very early years, i have realised that that is where my anger actually stems from. Caused by my mother's coldness and rejection and emotional abandonment of me when i needed her love so much, and also by the birth of my 2 younger sisters who took my mother's love away from me even more.

Alice Miller has a very good website which you will find if you google her name, just reading through the articles on there may give you some understanding, it's a very diffcicult thing to explain but at teh same time i am so sure that i am right and the proof is in the result ie i have released the long suppressed anger i had against my mother and I no longer feel angry towards my DD. I still get cross with her when she is naughty but i am still in complete control of myself, and it is a totally different thing to the absolute rage and fury i used to feel towards her when she did the slightest thing to annoy me.

Thanks oneplusone. The most important thing for me is to understand and to CHANGE my behaviours before my sons end up feeling the same way about me as I do about my mother. I often think that I hate her.

I know I have been a poor mother at times. I do not hit my children. If I did, with the level of anger I feel, I could really hurt them. It is my on/off coldness and rage that worries me.

How did you find ways to calm it all down? The angry outbursts that I have I find completely uncontrollable. I shock myself and am painfully aware of my failings in this respect. I occasionally do it in front of my husband. He describes it as 'going stellar' with the children. I rarely get angry with my husband though. For some reason it is at the silliest things with the children. Strange.

Suzi I feel just the same and I've just gone bonkers at DD. She doesn't know which mummy I'm going to be from one minute to the next - soft attentive mummy or shouting, snarling, get away from me mummy. I eagerly await OnePlusOne's advice with you.

Oneplusone I am interested to leabnr how you released the anger you had against your mother - please could you explain?

I have been struggling massively with this recently, realised it is all coming out toward Ds1 instead of towards her, I have moved away from her to try and separate and allow myself to be a good mum (I was so angry that she seemed to want me to be crap, that I was crap iyswim) and am seeing her now once a week ad then with Dad on a Sunday. It used to be most days.

She isn;t happy although I explained I needed to be away from her or I felt she was ds's main 'parent' (she wanted to 'rescue' him from her own mother me)
and it is still taking me days to recover from each contact with her. I wonder if there is no true correlation between the amount I see her and my inner rage coming out.? Is it worth being more separate?
I am afraid having taken ds away from her more that he will now hate me more...of course she is taking great pleasure in implying that he will suffer if she is not here every f*cking day.
This morning she rang and spoke to him first, then I said no to her coming round (thought she understood the new system) and she was all hurt again. Then ds played up all day, prob knew I was feeling upset with her, that always makes him play up. He;s well confused about who he's supposed to love best
What can I do
How to stop being angry every time she rings and taking it out on him
It isn't fair on him. I can't love him if she is anywhere near the forefront of my mind. She wants him to herself.

Sorry for rant

She did admit that she wanted Ds to herself - this was a few weeks ago - but knowing her motives how the hell am I supposed to want her in my house? I swear I only have her here for Ds. It's so counterproductive.

Hello again everybody, can't contribute much to behavior-with-own-children conversation as only have a bump at the mo'. Having said that I think this is why I am here, because I'm very worried about repeating what's been done to me and I'm not really sure what to do about it! Although I think being aware of where it all comes from etc is definately the place to start.

Ally90 so we are! I hadn't noticed. Awesome!! I hope you're feeling less ill. For your information, why yes my mother is a drama queen - but only in private/around close family. Annoyingly at most to strangers she appears merely 'a bit odd' as my MIL put it. Being a drama queen in the least of it though.

Details for anyone that wants them (sorry this is reaaaally long):

I'm going to skip my father and older sister as they are both awesome and fine.

The variety of abuse my mother has flung at me has ranged from lots of verbal manipulation, generally in an exasperated mother-knows best kind of way, that really I am not cut out for anything I might independently chose to do - and that I am ridiculous and selfish to not chose to do what she wants to. She did this about literally everything including the food I would make for her dinner (she stopped cooking at all when I was ten on feminist grounds?!) When I lived with her this was very exhuasting and I took to not telling her anything at all except 'yes' and 'no' and avoiding her as much as possible!! It was a very childish tactic and it didn't really work because she behaves more and more provocatively until somebody responds. So me not talking to her led to her bursting into rooms whenever she knew I was there alone and venerable (for example it's first thing in the morning and I was still asleep or just waking up - or when I was naked in the bath [there were absolutely no internal locks in our house]) make a request she knew I couldn't comply to and then fire abuse at me for saying no. She woke me up by yelling at me what a bitch I was for not spending more time with my cousin for two weeks straight once... and only stopped because my father caught her. She repeated behavior like this constantly for other 'reasons'. She could be a bit randomly violent but not very often, she once smashed a painting I'd done (I was 17 so it was a proper oil painting on canvas that I was really proud of) because I walked into the room while she was watching TV - throwing stuff at me, she hit the painting instead.

I really don't feel like there's any point in having a confrontation with her about any of this, because she seems to have the most biased selective memory in history - even something like the painting she had forgotten about when I tried to talk to her about it a year later. When I lived with her I tried to be as detached as possible but I think she would notice I was doing it because she'd try and be nice always wanting to buy things and once I'd let my guard down (usually after about three weeks) she'd come in with a new attack. That's what it felt like tbh, just constantly living under attack. It made me very tense and I had insomnia for many years as a result of it.

I have had so much relief from it living miles and miles away for years and now I live I few miles from her and my dad (had to really as perfect location for DP to commute to his new job) and she knows I am pregnant she keeps calling me up and trying to convince me to have an abortion on one hand and then showering me with unwanted and unhelpful advice on the other. Last time I saw her she gave me a pile of hugely out of date baby books and on the top was 'The motherhood myth' by Shirley Radl which is all about how babies ruin your life.

For historical accuracy's sake: Basically her mother died when she was a teenager leaving her to look after three young siblings and her harsh and abusive alcoholic dad who then sold all of their stuff (including the kids handmade by their now dead mother toys) and moved them 13 thousand miles away. Possibly their dad was also a pedophile but I don't actually know because the only person who could say is one of the siblings and they are always chopping and changing their stories. However he now has dementia and some of things he has said to the nurses point to the fact that possibly he was. So perspective I know she had a tough life. It was definately tougher than mine, and I know that that's why her behavior is so erratic. But this is my life and I need control over it.

In all honesty I just want to cut her out of my life. I don't like her. If I love her it is tied up with so much hurt and pain and hate that I can't see past them. I also worry very much about allowing my DC near her as I worry that in another attempt to have control over someone (anyone) she will latch onto them, and when they start to think for themselves or if they are unresponsive she will start lashing out at them. This is a very real possibility as she still does it today. She is currently latched onto my cousin who has mental health problems and a mother (her sister) who is again even more abusive than mine - and has when she lost her temper with him told him if he wanted to kill himself that there was weedkiller in the shed and he should do it, then recanted the story with glee to me as though I would approve. Made me very angry as have helped a lot of friends through depression and even though it can be very tough this is never an appropriate response in fact it is most definately abusive. So I don't want her to get her mitts on my kids. But I don't know how I can tell her this without making it worse, or alienating my lovely dad.

Like I said way above, I'm also really worried that this is going to influence the way I am with my children. It already seems to take me much longer than other people to trust others that I see as potentially having any emotional power over me. It is already making a mess of my relationship with my MIL and FIL as I am petrified of them using the fact that they know I am attached to their son to hurt me. In response I am very polite and distant whenever I see them, and this has left them totally at a loss to why their son even likes me, and they harbor suspicions that I am secretly evil and he does everything I say. We anticipate that when we tell them I am pregnant when we see them in a few weeks time he will be pulled aside by his mother and asked to consider the possibility that I got pregnant on purpose to trap him. Obviously MIL has her own issues!! But if I was more confident in my ability to not get trampled on it would not have been so much a problem. [Fed up emoticon] I don't want to be so afraid of the way my behavior effects my kids that I am distant with them, and when they go through their teenagery faze and start trying to hurt me just 'cos they can (lets face it it seems like most teenagers do this even if they don't mean or realise it!) I worry that my response will be strictly defensive and I will lash out and hurt them in return instead of just loving them and letting them get on with it. I am terrified because my boundaries were all wonky growing up I will treat my children unfairly, or on the other side let them run all over me!! I know that a lot of this is just first time mum panic but the rest of it is just the factual knowledge that people who are abused by their parents usually go on to abuse their kids. And I don't want my kids to be (at least) the fourth generation of living in hell.

I think that's the root of it for me.
-How do I stop my kids from having anything more than minimal contact with my mother without cutting them off from other relatives I like but don't really understand.
-How do I not repeat the behavior.

I just honestly have no idea what the answer is. Am I at an advantage because I've figured out what the problem is, or is this just as far as I'm going to get and from now on I just get to live in the fear? Because that would be lame.

Suzi- Dont know if this will help but I read that anger is often shame based. So if you felt a lot of shame as a child it will be an incredibly difficult emotion for you. Too difficult for you too feel so you block shame or push it away with anger.

I found this applied to me and helped me to find links between my childrens behaviour triggering angry outbursts.

For example my mother is very cold also and very judgmental, as a result I hate feeling judged even if I am not being.
Therefore when ds plays up in front of people I feel I will be judged, I then feel shame which is so uncomfortable I use anger to push it away. I didnt realise until recently though that this is what Im doing.

I allow myself to process these feelings now and talk myself through them.

Think about particular instances of your Dc's behaviour and how they could remind you of your childhood.

Another example for me is that my parents were incredibly controlling therefore I know sometimes I felt anger because I percieve my dc's (subconcious response of course) as controlling me. I want to sit at the computer and ds pulls me away or nags me to play with him

None of this may specifically apply to you of course, but I just wanted to share how I began to make links.

In fact I just recalled you said your mother disaproves of your dc's behaviour??? Could this be a link for you?

smithfield, a lot of what you say touches a nerve. I hate the thought of my mother judging me, ESPECIALLY when it is related to the poor behaviour of my children. My relationship with my mother has disintegrated since having children. I feel she is constantly judging me.

As regards to shame... I am currently consider exploring whether I was sexually abused as a child, something I have never aired, but I simply have always had early childhood memories that I cannot explain. I mentioned to my husband and his view was 'do not go backwards'... 'what's the point?' 'You are looking for bad'. 'How can that help?'

In your opinion, could analysing and digging up the past in pursuit of trying to become a better parent actually do more harm than good?

Smithfield that is really good, I realise that I get very very upset (ashamed? hurt?) when Ds laughs at me. For instance I might do something silly and often I will laugh at myself with him but then he might carry it on saying 'you're stupid mummy aren't you, ha ha you're really stupid' and that will make me want to cry.
So sometimes I get angry instead.

I recall being laughed at a lot - not least by children at school, or in our street - and never being defended. My grandparents used to laugh at me as did my parents and then my sister would join in, so always a bit sensitive I suppose. Ds has no idea about any of this. I guess it is just 'normal' to some families - someone has to be the object of derision, and it was usually me!

This is one definite trigger. Also if he is being silly and rough and liable to break things - my mother childminded another little girl who was allowed access to my things despite being 5 years younger - i would return from school to find them damaged and rearranged (intricate stuff like dolls house etc which I spent hours on)
I was told it was selfish not to let her play with these things.
I try to make sure ds1 has special things and things he doesn't mind sharing with ds2.
But when he breaks my stuff (or things I've made/bought for him) I get very upset,.

The other day he broke a playhouse window with a toy mallet. This would be normal if I hadn't just spent 2 weeks replacing carefully all the windows as it was broken when we got it. He came and told me and I got really angry, I didn't shout but then there were several more things like not listening to me etc, until I reached that point and I went out to the playhouse and smashed the rest of that window myself. It had to be done to get the bits out but I did it in anger and I think he was really frightened - I am appalled at myself for doing that.
I was feeling really ill with mastitis that day which I think contributed but even so - what an awful thing to do. Poor lad.

ActingNormal....I am stunned at how inciteful your reply was to me.....you have summed it up so eloquently exactly how I feel.....thank you. Dont really know where I go from here especially as I am seeing her in 2 days, where I am sure the Xmas debate will arise....but still, I shall watch this thread with interest

A more general point - I feel guilty about my feelings as though they aren't "normal" - is that a common feeling....that there is something wrong with me? I hate this feeling that when I see her I feel like a young kid again and I have this mental image of myself jumping up and down going "love me, love me"....have others managed to stop these feelings?

Suzi- your mothers judgment of you would be shaming so when your children mis-behave you may feel she is there (she will be in your head) and you feel shame and then comes the anger.

With regard to your question 'personally' I dont believe repressing painful childhood memories is healthy. I think it destroys you from the inside out.

Duffy- It sounds like you may have been a scapegoat for your mother?
Scapegoats often carry a sense of 'wrongness' with them and it explains your mothers reaction to you also. Any irritation she feels she offloads on to you.