"But we took you to stately homes" part 3

[oneplusone]

Sorry for starting part 3 if it has already been started but i logged on just now and found the previous thread has reached 1000 posts. And my title is not very inspiring, Ally90, please help!

Don't apologise for ????. I appreciate the support.

My arm hurts from lifting DS2 I think but I have no idea what I have done to my leg. Both seem better today.

I have two issues to sort really. I have to find any and all references I have made in my diaries, or others have to me in letters, about the effect being sexually abused had on me as I am working with a solicitor and barrister to take the abuser to court.

I am also, at a later date, doing to sue the social services for negligence and will have to show how their lack of care has inpacted on me my whole life.

I have lots of weird routines, thoughts, problems and I can trace all of them back to my childhood. The not being fed one has had a big impact on my life. I am trying to lose weight, hate myself for not being able to, hate myself for giving in and eating and hate myself for wanting to lose weight. I am happiest when I am in the kitchen cooking and baking for the family and everyone is just pottering around.

I do worry about posting on here as I don't think it would be that hard to work out it is me. I am not sure how anyone would initally find me though iyswim.

Thank you for listening. It is good tp "talk" things through.

Itati, I think you are incredibly brave for taking the abuser to court and must have been very strong to get to this point. This strength will see you through to the end.

Are the routines etc OCD? It comes from anxiety doesn't it? I'm not surprised if you have got anxiety after your experiences.

Are you seeing a therapist as well? I really think it would help, especially as you use the word "hate" for yourself so many times! It is the people who treated you badly who deserve to be hated not you!

What if you gave yourself a break from trying to lose weight? You have enough to deal with at the moment without adding that pressure on yourself. You can always try again when you have done all your legal stuff. If you are stressed you are less likely to stick to your diet anyway. Forgive yourself for this, I can't think of anybody who could go through what you are without being stressed.

If the cooking makes you happy then do lots of it. If you are happy you will be a better Mother and Wife. Be proud of yourself for that, not the size and shape of your body. Your body is just nature's 'physical container' for YOU and to a large extent we just get what we get genetically, we just have to make it look as good as we can. YOU are what is important. Having said that I do know how much it can affect you if you aren't happy with what you look like.

I recognise the fear and holding back about writing on here, which seems common to a lot of people. I've found the more I do it the more I can't shut up!

I hope that feeling you have even more people on your side, on MN, can give you even more strength to do what you have to do.

I don't think I have OCD as such. I do like to know what I am doing and when, and would love to be a list queen.

The court thing has been very hard.

I told his employers what he had done to me and at first they were very supportive then the lady dealing with it left and they just abandoned me. I was getting married the following year so decided to try and let it go. I didn't want my new married status being spoilt by this. I could cope though and contacted them again. Things were done due to what he did and he was punished in a way. He then moved on to another company working with young people and I nearly passed out when I saw his face on the internet. His bio was a load of bull so I emailed them but used an invalid address so never heard back. His picture has gone and I recently heard he has retired.

God I never meant to go on for this long.

I have had some counselling in the past but am too scared and usually explain everything away or try and make a joke, so it doesn't get me very far.

I do honestly think I will be in a better state to try and get fit and lose weight once DS2 is at school.

I feel teary at the support for a stranger. Thank You.

Itati, I agree, it is hard to say the words to a therapist. I had two therapists in the past and just didn't talk about the things that were the real issues. I was finally ready with the current one, and he is very good, much better than the other two. I still had to force myself to say things while staring at the floor. The more I talked about it though, the easier it got.

You don't have to do therapy at the same time as the court stuff either if you feel it would be too hard. It might be good to have a professional who understands these type of issues to talk to about the feelings that come out though.

I have to see a psychiatrist to build the case

Congratulations Ally. Hope everything is going well. How far are you?

((((((((ally))))))))

Congratulations!!!!

Congratulations Ally , look after yourself

I don?t know why or how I suddenly got to feel this low, And, after feeling relatively positive yesterday.

It?s as though I can?t shake the feeling that everything is my fault?.utterly and completely my fault.

This morning my MIL is on my doorstep as dh asked her last night (spur of the moment) to look after dd for a few hours whilst I take ds to movie club (first time).

She doesn?t say hello, or how are you just asks ?why? I didn?t call her. Which confused me and I thought?. was I supposed to ring her and remind her this am?

She says why did you get (dh) to call me? Why can?t you call me yourself?

I was taken aback and can?t remember what I said. Then she says she is just joking and I should know her better, and have known her long enough to know that she is joking.

Then she said something as she sat down (sorry cant remember) which makes me think no it really ?is? an issue. I say so it obviously is an issue which is crazy because dh is her son and why couldn?t he ask her and that I was putting kids to bed at the time.

But I was ?REALLY ANGRY? and found it difficult to talk at all. She said ?Oh don?t get in a mood now?. So I replied that could she please not speak to me like that. And that I am an adult not a child.

I think the sentiment was that ?I? should not be afraid to ask her myself as I know she will say ?yes?. But I felt pounced upon and backed into a corner by her.
Am I seeing my mother? Am I overreacting and projecting my anger at my mum onto MIL?. Why does this affect me this way?

I am fuming.

Why do I keep encountering people that have such little regard for me?
Would someone ?without? my baggage respond differently, maybe just shrug it off?

I feel as though I am drowning emotionally right now. I feel like I don?t want to interact with ds at all as he infuriates me.

I have knots in my stomach at night and first thing in the morning, to the point where I feel nauseous.

It doesn?t help I have had 2 hours sleep. Dh is working a 6 day week and then going out tonight with some friends.

I feel like I just want to pack my bags and jump on a plane and wish I had never brought my family back here. 3 years on and we have no friends and the family issues are taking over my existence.

I have just text DH how I feel and he has not even bothered to respond.

I fell terribly alone, unhinged and wondering if it is me who has a serious mental health problem which is why I cant relate to anyone and leaves me isolated alone and angry.

I must be unhinged, to go from the post I posted yesterday to the one Ive just posted now.

Or is this all the aftermath of 'her' phonecall?

I just dont know what to think anymore.

"This morning my MIL is on my doorstep as dh asked her last night (spur of the moment) to look after dd for a few hours whilst I take ds to movie club (first time)".

Hi Smithfield,

Why did he do this seemingly as well without consulting you beforehand?. Did he think he was trying to be helpful or was he trying to get out of doing some childcare?. I would like to know his rationale behind that decision.

Where was DH when she called?. Was he actually around?.

If your DH is working a six day week he likely feels that he's "earnt" time off with friends. But what about you though?. He should be going out with you instead!!. You need some time out as well, you look after two children during the week apart from anything else.

I use "Sitters" and have done so for several years now. Can recommend them.

I don't personally think you're unhinged at all; I think you've been let down by your DH.

Attila x

Attilla- I did ask dh to call her and for him to ask her two sit for a couple of hours to take ds to the pictures. So he is not at fault for that. But I didnt see it as an issue. I have not used her for a long time and we have been ok, with me establishing some boundaries.

I asked him because it was spur of the moment and I was putting kids to bed.

I feel let down for his lack of regard for the fact I am emtionally tough time yet I am expected to do 6 days plus an evening and will be expected to gave a 'family' day tommorrow.

He is not generally a selfish man he rarely goes out (although some of that may well be because we have no friends here).

I went out last weekend (first time in a year!)

I feel hurt he hasnt responded to any messages....and I am in a very bad way today. He know this.

I feel like taking the kids and leaving. But Im too low and run down with it all.

He must know ignoring me is the worst thing he can do to me emotionally right now.

Smithfield, I'm sorry you feel so bad today. Not having much sleep will be making it feel a lot worse. I imagine you being tired and feeling vulnerable even though you stood up to your mother the other day. It must have taken some energy out of you, feeling scared but making yourself say what you had to say anyway. This argument has come with bad timing for you.

I think MIL will remind you of your mother because your mind probably sees women of that generation, who are mothers, as being similar. It is hard for you to trust them. I have a similar thing where I feel disgusted when I look at old men even though they have done nothing wrong.

You might not think the argument seems like a big deal, but it seems like things MIL does triggers bigger feelings from your memories of your own mother. (My therapist said a similar thing about me wondering if I am overreacting to some bad things DH did early in our relationship which I've found hard to let go. He said although what he did wasn't really really bad, it triggered memories of how parents made me feel and I've been taking that pain out on DH. Probably do a similar thing with DD).

I do get the impression that MIL was being intimidating though because she knows that you are sensitive and vulnerable. She might also sense your mistrust of her and a bit of rejection from you and it winds her up. Does she know about the problems between you and your mother, enough to understand?

You say you keep encountering people who have little regard for you. You could be hypersensitive to signs that they disrespect you (I recognise this in myself). Also Therapist says that people who are abusive/controlling/manipulative spot people who are vulnerable a mile off. I don't know what it is they can see when they look at us but they must sense it. As you develop more self esteem and self respect - which you do seem like you are doing, you will encounter these people less and less. You won't even notice when you do probably because they will sense that they can't get away with treating you badly and they won't do it.

Men can just panic sometimes when you tell them about strong feelings you are having and they say nothing because they are scared of not saying the right thing and not being able to help you and then feeling like a failure. And sometimes they don't actually realise that you are expecting a response! Their brains are really different to ours.

I hope you start feeling better soon. Just plan how to get through the next half hour, then the half hour after that and so on. It will pass.

He knows I cant handle rejection,and what I wrote was not something he should have ignored. I wouldnt have if hed sent that to me.

I have been crying all afternoon, and I have hurt myself for the first time. It is pure anger, but at myself I think

Or am I attention seeking?

I do think I this is depression too.

Have not been this bad for a long time.

Please don't hurt yourself. Phone someone, Samaritans if necessary. Would I be wrong to suggest a strongly caffeinated drink just to boost you enough to get through the next hour more easily? We care about you on MN. You are important to us. Keep posting all day if it makes it easier x

Smithfield its the conversation yesterday...it always hits me 24hrs/up to a week afterwards when I have ANY contact with my mother, and that is via letter! Actually speaking to your mother will have knocked you off the emotional rails so too speak. Your mil pushes boundries at the best of times, let alone the worst, its not your fault she cannot speak directly as to what is the issue. And I suspect people with problems sense others in trouble and push their boundries when they are low.

Your dh may be out of contact on his mobile, there may be a good reason he has not replied. It is so easy in this state to think everyone has left you. They haven't, there is a bunch of complete strangers here worried about you!

((((((smithfield))))))))

You'll be okay, your fine, you are not emotionally or mentally unhinged! You are just knocked for six and all the old childhood stuff will be coming back to haunt you with your mothers voice. Don't listen to it, listen to us!

Allyxxxx with heaps of fluffy warm towels xxx

AN- thankyou. Think it would be hard to call samaritans with the kids here. I would probably get very upset and they would see. It is bad enough with the constant crying

Think atilla is right I feel very let down by DH atm.

I also feel all the pain is surfacing. And I dont do pain very well.
I wish I could just hit the damn bottom of this seemingly bottomless pit of emotion.

I couldnt sleep last night for thinking about stuff and a lot of memories were resurfacing.

I think a lot of this has to do with my father currently.

One of the things I recalled last night was having come back to the uk, having been away for at least a year, and staying with my parents and my mum being particularly spiteful and venomous and not understanding what I had done wrong, I stopped speaking to her and took myself off to my room.

Once my dad got home (mum had spoken to him about me)and so he came up to my room to demand I got 'on' with my mother.

We were due to go away the next day and dh (then dp) would be coming too. And my dad said if I didnt 'sort it' we would not be going.

I started crying and my dad gave me a hug and said 'smithfield' you are so like me.

It makes me sad to think of it, because it was like a rare scrap of affection and I only ever had them from my dad.

Would it help to type and type and type everything and anything that comes into your head? You don't even have to save it. You could print it and lock it in a box or simply close it without saving. Put lots of swearing in it as well. It is hurting you a lot to relive things as you think about it but this is probably a stage you have to go through before you feel better.

I don't think DH's understand why you need to do this as much as women. My DH has got really angry with me several times when I've tried to talk to him and says he is just sick of it and my problems seem never ending. He is fed up of me never getting any better. It got really bad a while back and I have just stopped talking to him about any of it anymore as I felt we would split up otherwise. I use Therapist, MN and a couple of RL women instead. I did feel he let me down at a time when I really really needed him. I've had to accept that helping me with stuff to do with my family is not part of his role anymore. Don't know if this is right or wrong but it is working for now.

An- I feel bad because you have experienced so much more than me you 'honestly' have.

You are a very kind person.

I agree writing and typing could help. My dh supports what I have done, but, emotionally he is unempathetic.

Have you put on some tv for your ds? Tea sorted or can you get a takeaway? My dh is going out drinking tonight too...back in early hours.

You can get through this...this is just a big emotional time for you after the phonecall...nothing is your fault, your mothers behaviour is not your fault, the fact your dad was affectionate once only is not your fault...you were a child no child deserves to be treated the way you were and no (cause I often think this of myself!) you were not a special case that deserved emotional abuse.

Come back on and let us know how you are doing...I'll be around all evening xxxx

Smithfield, none of us can tell how others have suffered or not suffered. We are all equals on this thread. You do not deserve less empathy or understanding because you feel that you have not suffered enough.

< at AN>

I can recognise the feelings you have been describing today and I know it feels terrible and I think what you are feeling is just as bad as what I have felt. How bad you feel about what has happened is more important than how bad what happened looks like on paper to other people. I feel the situation you are in now is much worse than my present situation.

It would help to think this is a reaction to the contact with 'her', because I do feel as though I am cracking up.

I think with regard to my dad it is the shock of seeing him as he is.

I kidded myself for a long time he loved me very much, and that made it all ok.

I think with regard to MIL Im angry I even asked (or got dh to . I dont have anyone to lean on here. I cant really afford a sitter or a therapist right now.

It makes me sad I have no-one in rl to confide in and 'at my lowest' it kind of compounds the whole feeling I am infact unloveable.

I will try and post later, I do need to sort dcs out.

Your not cracking up. You are fine. It is the contact, it makes you doubt yourself and takes you back to childhood. And like I said, just reading what your mother had said made me shaky, so I'm really not surprised you are this emotional. It will pass, honestly it will, just keep close to this thread and keep posting.

I'll watch out for your post, pc will be on til I go to bed! Your not doing this alone anymore...and you are NOT unlovable...your mother and father made you feel that way...what they did and said does not make who you are as a person.

I hope you are going to put on your stripy socks to remind yourself of us this evening!

You are not alone.

That is what I mean, it is easier for me than you now because I feel I have enough support. I hate the thought of you feeling so alone. You may not have met the right people in RL yet but it doesn't mean you are unlovable.