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Relationships

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Original poster

How likely that he has innocent intentions?

132 replies

Catacendre · 27/08/2023 09:11

A man is in a very long-term relationship of more than 15 years, though both live hours apart. Engaged for over 7 years, at her request, no immediate plans for marriage from him for the foreseeable, although his fiancee is very keen to move the relationship on. He is mid-40s, his fiancee much older, the woman below is a fair bit younger, which may make a difference, although out of the three, his fiancee is the most conventionally attractive.

He has worked with a woman for a few years, both get on very well and when she gets a new job they start meeting up every few months, essentially when their busy lives allow for it. They live reasonably close, but not close enough for a chance meeting, so some effort does go into meeting up. She soon confesses that she is in love with him and offers to leave him to it.

After a few months, for work reasons, they get back in touch, initiated by her. He is in a vulnerable place due to work and shares with her just how generally down he feels. She initiates the next meeting and he agrees to see her.

My question is this:
Is there ever an innocent reason to meet up as friends between the two? The question of how she now feels about him has never been spoken about again, so his assumption must be that she still feels the same.

Neither come across as predatory. But I wonder whether mid-life and a vulnerable position in his work, and therefore a large part of his life, make him more prone to take risks, especially as he does not seem to want to commit in his existing relationship.

I also wonder why he has agreed to meet up for (non-alcoholic) drinks with a woman who has crossed a boundary like that.

OP posts:

MrsFiddle · 27/08/2023 09:14

This man does not want to commit further to his fiancée. If it is you I would end it now.

Original poster

Catacendre · 27/08/2023 09:19

MrsFiddle · 27/08/2023 09:14

This man does not want to commit further to his fiancée. If it is you I would end it now.

They have been together for such a long time that their lives are very entangled. There are plans for the future. That, when both sets of parents are gone, they use inheritance to buy together and then, after a while of seeing how they get on when they live together, they get married eventually.

They lived together during lockdown, but this did not last and he, off-hand and only once, expressed relief to have his own space back after she moved out again. But both still see each other almost every weekend, although he has expressed that he wants to go on a few holidays alone.

Is the woman in question a red herring or a potential excuse?

OP posts:

MrsFiddle · 27/08/2023 09:22

The other woman is just an add on to a situation which sounds ludicrous - get married eventually?

Original poster

Catacendre · 27/08/2023 09:27

He says work keep the two apart at the moment. She cannot easily move jobs as hers is based on a certain location, but his job could be done almost anywhere.

OP posts:

Stratocumulus · 27/08/2023 09:29

Life’s too short.
Cut out the dead wood & start afresh.
The man is treading water, likes his own space & is flattered by the attention of the younger party.
Nobody is happy.
Next!

JollyGoodWine · 27/08/2023 09:31

So - they have been together for 15 years, engaged for 7 years, see each other most weekends, have already tried and not succeeded it making it work living together (admittedly under the stressful conditions of lockdown), intend to live together but only when their parents have died, and then if it all works out, will get married "eventually"? This doesn't sound very entangled to me. It may be a strong relationship, it may not, but based on what you've said, I think the other woman is an issue, but not the main issue.

Loopytiles · 27/08/2023 09:32

Man isn’t into his fiance and seems to have no intent of marrying. Man seems open to other options.

Original poster

Catacendre · 27/08/2023 09:43

Okay, I get the picture and it is something that will need to be addressed. But the more pressing issue right now is that the two will be meeting up on an evening shortly.

I will need to come back to the original question: is it likely that his intentions are innocent and out of friendship or is it something to worry about right now?

OP posts:

Loopytiles · 27/08/2023 09:45

Of course his intentions aren’t ‘innocent’. He disclosed personal information to a woman who says she’s ‘in love’ with him!

AgnesX · 27/08/2023 09:50

Whoever the fiancee is should cut their losses and move on. It seems like the man has no intentions of having a proper full time conventional relationship.

The colleague/other woman is beside the point.

GreyCarpet · 27/08/2023 09:51

He's messing you about. It was probably ok for him for the last 15 years because no one came along who particularly interested him. And it's probably been OK for you too for similar reasons.

But together 15 years and engaged for 7 at your request with half baked plans to get married eventually? At the very least, he's not bothered about you getting fed up and meeting someone else is he?

So no. I don't think it's innocent either.

GreyCarpet · 27/08/2023 09:52

Oh and it doesn't really matter who is conventionally more attractive. Don't get focused on that one way or another.

JollyGoodWine · 27/08/2023 09:56

I don't know if it helps to think of it in terms of "innocent" and "not innocent" because people can walk into emotional affairs without realising that's what they're doing. It really depends on the reasons for the man wanting to meet up with the other woman. But, taking everything at face value, if I were the fiancee, I would be concerned about the man meeting up with another woman who has said she is in love with him, just for no particular reason, and I think I would be completely reasonable to challenge the man on it.

FatLarrysBanned · 27/08/2023 09:58

But that's all future stuff, none of it has happened it's just talk. Will be much easier to disentangle now than when finances are shared.

Together for 15 years, engaged for 7 (which actually means nothing if no wedding date set) and living hours apart? This relationship is moving at a glacial pace with neither party seemingly bothered enough to make a commitment to move it forward in any practical sense.

Sensibletrousers · 27/08/2023 10:00

To answer the question- no, he does not have innocent intentions, whether consciously or not.

MichelleScarn · 27/08/2023 10:03

Is one of the woman you @Catacendre, am sleep deprived so mushy brain, just the 3rd person writing!

54isanopendoor · 27/08/2023 10:05

If you are the fiancee I'd be making plans to leave.
He is unlikely to commit to you & you are worried about other female friends.
Whether it is 'innocent' or not (probably not in that he is flattered by her interest) you still feel insecure for a reason. That's his ongoing lack of commitment. You are worth more than this imo.

54isanopendoor · 27/08/2023 10:08

If you are the 'other' woman he's meeting up with, then Yes he may well be interested. But would you want a man who is happy to cheat on his long term partner - I wouldn't! Once a cheater always a cheater imo.
I have been the person who a married friend had lunch with a few times.
It was innocent on my part (cafe lunch after a cultural activity not just 'Lunch')
but I realised after that there was more going on in his head than lunch.
I stopped it.

Pinkdelight3 · 27/08/2023 10:10

I'd be worried about that but more worried about this overall -

It's particularly odd given that those 15 years must've been his 30s and into his 40s, so if he wasn't going to take the plunge then, why would he ever? Same but more so with the 'much older' fiancee. I guess you don't want kids together or that would have expedited things, but as a man in his 40s, he's still got his options open and can settle down with a younger woman and start over. You say lives are very much enmeshed but it doesn't look like it really. You might have lots of overlaps with people you know etc but you don't own a place, don't live together, don't even live near to each other, there's no legally shared anything, and either of you could pull the plug tomorrow. He didn't even want to get engaged in the first place so the idea of marriage and future plans is castles in the sky. Working with the reality, he's got his own life, a LTR relationship that places no restrictions on him, and a younger woman in love with him much closer to home and work. It doesn't look good, sorry.

Pinkdelight3 · 27/08/2023 10:12

If you are the 'other' woman he's meeting up with, then Yes he may well be interested.

Oh good point. Yes, I'd say you might win this round but he's hardly a prize.

SavBlancTonight · 27/08/2023 10:13

I assume.OP is the other woman surely?

Op- he knows you are in love with him so at the very least agreeing to meet you is unkind if he's not interested. If he IS interested he should be ending his relationship with his fiance before he meets up. Also, all this talk a out the relationship between him and the fiance sounds like a line to me - he's telling you all this so you are more likely to consent to an affair. Although it should be turning you off him as he's clearly dishonest to her about his intentions so will he to you. Plus, he's waiting for his or her parents to die?!

Ick.

Mehmeh22 · 27/08/2023 10:13

He's not committed to the relationship regardless of the other woman.

And why are you not saying who you are in this situation....its just irritating and don't say it is to be impartial. Your comments will always be subjective

ErosandAgape · 27/08/2023 10:15

Catacendre · 27/08/2023 09:43

Okay, I get the picture and it is something that will need to be addressed. But the more pressing issue right now is that the two will be meeting up on an evening shortly.

I will need to come back to the original question: is it likely that his intentions are innocent and out of friendship or is it something to worry about right now?

The female colleague is pretty much irrelevant.

This is a relationship that’s not going anywhere.

All commitments are either unwilling/enforced by the more eager party (loooong engagement with no intention to marry any time soon), experimental and retreated from (living together during Covid), or in the distant future (after parents’ deaths and inheritance, possible joint purchase, trial cohabitation, possible eventual marriage.)

The man does not want any more of this relationship than he has. The weekend LD thing suits him. It has suited him for 15 years. If this does not suit you, OP, get out.

Your fiancé sounds very like a good friend of mine, a lovely man, but routine-bound, passive, solitary and unwilling to change — a longterm, LD relationship suited him perfectly. Like your fiancé, he only agreed to get engaged when his longterm LD girlfriend proposed, but nothing changed, and many, many years after they got engaged and we’re still LD, she left him for a famous politician, whom she married within the year.

Don’t wait around, OP.

LadyGeorginaSmythe · 27/08/2023 10:15

OP, whoever you are in this situation, walk away.
There is nothing here worth waiting for. Be open to new people and make your own life.

Mehmeh22 · 27/08/2023 10:15

And if you are the other woman....expect to be treated badly by this guy in the future...he is clearly not willing to commit to anyone and is happy to take his cake and eat it. If he wanted to fully commit, he would in a heartbeat. He hasn't made that clear, so there is your answer

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