How likely that he has innocent intentions?

[Catacendre]

A man is in a very long-term relationship of more than 15 years, though both live hours apart. Engaged for over 7 years, at her request, no immediate plans for marriage from him for the foreseeable, although his fiancee is very keen to move the relationship on. He is mid-40s, his fiancee much older, the woman below is a fair bit younger, which may make a difference, although out of the three, his fiancee is the most conventionally attractive.

He has worked with a woman for a few years, both get on very well and when she gets a new job they start meeting up every few months, essentially when their busy lives allow for it. They live reasonably close, but not close enough for a chance meeting, so some effort does go into meeting up. She soon confesses that she is in love with him and offers to leave him to it.

After a few months, for work reasons, they get back in touch, initiated by her. He is in a vulnerable place due to work and shares with her just how generally down he feels. She initiates the next meeting and he agrees to see her.

My question is this:
Is there ever an innocent reason to meet up as friends between the two? The question of how she now feels about him has never been spoken about again, so his assumption must be that she still feels the same.

Neither come across as predatory. But I wonder whether mid-life and a vulnerable position in his work, and therefore a large part of his life, make him more prone to take risks, especially as he does not seem to want to commit in his existing relationship.

I also wonder why he has agreed to meet up for (non-alcoholic) drinks with a woman who has crossed a boundary like that.

OP, because she isn’t as attractive as you, and is overweight, you don’t seem to imagine an end game that is sex and another relationship. You are effectively saying your fiancé is shallow. If he’s not, or at least you don’t believe him to be, then clearly he’s attracted to her, or at least willing to pursue the idea of spending meaningful time with her.

It’s almost like you are the mistress to his real life. You are certainly not the focus. Why are you accepting the scraps?

It’s totally inappropriate of him to meet up with a woman who told him she’s in love with him when he has a partner. It’s disrespectful.

Whichever woman you are op, you’re wasting your time with him

@Catacendre it sounds like he barely tolerates her regardless of the younger woman.

Who can rely on an inheritance ? No one.
That's sounds like postponing a plan for as long as he can. If it's you , I'd get out.

But people, for want of a better word, love him, as do I. He is friendly, charming, has a great sense of humour, is helpful and thoughtful and usually has his head screwed on. Everyone I know speaks highly of him.

So you're definitely not the man in this game of riddles.

Although you must know him well after 15years you surprisingly can't fathom out why he'd keep you dangling on a string and want to meet a woman you believe to be less attractive than you. Attraction isn't necessarily dictated by the shape of someone's body. So your point about her weight making her unattractive is rather shallow and a complete red herring in your quest for the truth.

Y'know we could all carry on posting our opinions and theories for the rest of time. You're at the centre of this, so its your life being affected.

I can't imagine you could ever regret calling time on this situation unless you have an extremely low bar. In your position I'd rather be alone, have autonomy to live my life on my terms and not have to exert such emotional energy on a relationship but I know we're all different

Or, if he assumes that she is still in love with him, is this not actually cruel? Do men not think that way or am I simply reluctant to see him in this new and unfavourable light?

His priorities are; getting his dick wet first, everything else nowhere. The feelings of his fiancée are in the aforementioned everything else, towards the bottom.

I think you're the younger woman OP. Don't waste too much time on him.

@Applesaarenttheonlyfruit I once had a man tell me he couldn't get hard because I wasn't booty enough. Omg. (I should never have lowered myself giving him a chance but that's another story). So I agree with you. Men like what they like and it could very well be a bit plumper than the norm is their thing.

I think op is just in a rut. Dump him and get used to being single. Once you're USED TO IT it is actually better than being stuck with somebody average.

Don’t write yourself off in your sixties. My sil split from her husband a few years shy of 60 and was terrified she’d be alone forever. In the past few years since then she’s had two serious relationships. Find your feet, join some clubs or groups that interest you and live your life. Don’t hang about waiting for scraps from someone who isn’t giving enough. Your lives are not as entangled as you think. Friends and family can remain friends if they want to. But your everyday lives aren’t connected at all, which is great as it’s easy to step away.

Right, we met up late yesterday. And my faith in him is restored, because it was a completely innocent meeting. In fact, he was just going to sweep the whole thing under the carpet and when I apologised at the end of the night for having put him in an awkward situation before he simply said "don't worry about it" and that was that. It was a fully platonic meeting and he actually seemed a lot closer to his fiancee than he had been the last time we saw each other when he talked about the holiday they just had.

I am honestly glad.
No, I still don't think they'll pass the test of actual commitment, but that is their issue to deal with, not mine.

The reason I haven't told anyone here who I was is quite simple. There is a certain bunch of mumsnetters who will insist that I want to push in there. So to answer a few FAQ/FMCs:

Your aim is to make him cheat.
No, I have no interest in that. A, because I believe in enthusiastic consent where relationships are concerned, and B because I'd lose all respect for him the second he made a move, hence why I was concerned that he agreed to meet me.

So why did you tell him you're in love if not to make him cheat
Because I had kept it inside for over a year at that point and I had a weak moment in the middle of my own little crisis. Because I believe in brutal honesty above all else and felt that I'd been lying to him and that he should know who he's really dealing with.

You're still hoping they break up.
Honestly, no, for both their sakes. She is a saint to put up with his stalling and I believe that he is actually insecure enough himself to be devastated if/ when they do. But I believe they will break up for all the reasons given here.

You still want him for yourself
No, despite the contradicting feelings I have for him, we'd never work out. I cannot deal with someone who continually avoids conflict, I need everything out in the open and would always, always second-guess him. I also don't think we have enough in common for a relationship. In a way, I'd like to dance at his wedding. With my gay best friend.

Why the hell would you still meet up with him?
Because I am very fond of him, and that is rare for me. The few people I do, genuinely, take to are very precious to me. So if there is a human I like, I don't like letting go. We get on (and that, too, is not a given - I am very much Marmite).

Can he even be decent if he meets up with you
I hope so, I really do. Yesterday was a good sign. No, I have no idea whether she knows about any of this - us meeting up every few months, and especially me telling him how I feel. Perhaps he really does think that this is so insignificant it doesn't need mentioning. Perhaps it's another way of avoiding conflict. Who knows.

I hope that preempts a lot of what usually comes next when you confess feelings for another woman's man on here.

Genuinely, thank you for your time. It's made me think a lot and I am still cautious, but much, much, happier about the whole thing.

Dear god, you're the younger woman and have spent all this time analysing someone else's relationship.
Jesus bloody wept 🙄

It seems you don't have their best intentions at heart, and have been instigating contact, but "secretly collecting spurious evidence" their relationship is a sham?

Even using this thread to generate extra validation on "why he isn't interested in her". They're together, leave it at that.

Did he actually say about the inheritance/her wanting to get engaged or is it your projection/interpretation/information you found out?

A lot of people curate what they say about their life/relationship depending on the audience.

It's really creepy IMO - was there actually a genuine work reason to get back in touch, or was your ego wounded he didn't "chase" you after your declaration of love.

Would he even have bothered reconnecting/thought twice about your absence if you hadn't got in touch first?

Its nice having friends of either gender, but you seem to be completely overstepping the mark with your fantasies about this man and his personal life and your significance/role in it.

Its not your job to "analyse him and save him from his partner".

Can you not be happy being single or find someone else to date or be friends with?

I assume he's quite a good "catch" - good job and childfree and charming - or you wouldn't be obsessing over him so much, but if the authentic interest isn't there from his side it's not there.

I also wouldn't want someone at my wedding who was in unrequited love with the groom and basically "looking for evidence my relationship wasn't right!".

Stop wasting your brain space on this couple!?

For heaven’s sake, move on with your life.

If you’re looking for a partner - look for one. Look for a friend, even - it’s got to be a better use of your time.

Good Lord. 😳

What an utter weirdo you are.

@SameOldTed
Did he actually say about the inheritance/her wanting to get engaged or is it your projection/interpretation/information you found out?
All of that was him instigating in a conversation a few months ago. I never did ask, but it came up, all comments were his. Including how relieved he was after lockdown; that was actually said to me and another collague at the time.

A lot of people curate what they say about their life/relationship depending on the audience.
It really was up to him what to say, I didn't probe.

It's really creepy IMO - was there actually a genuine work reason to get back in touch, or was your ego wounded he didn't "chase" you after your declaration of love.
There was a very big work reason otherwise I would have gone to other people to deal with it. I honestly thought we'd never see each other again until I had to contact him.

Would he even have bothered reconnecting/thought twice about your absence if you hadn't got in touch first?
I believe he would have thought twice or more, yes. He likes me. He makes far more of an effort with me than he does with others who also had a good relationship with him. Would he have instigated? No, probably not. As I said, I do think he usually lets people come to him, not the other way around.

Its nice having friends of either gender, but you seem to be completely overstepping the mark with your fantasies about this man and his personal life and your significance/role in it.
No, I do believe I know my place in it. But just like with any friend, certain things raise eyebrows, and his comments about his fiancee do. He had every opportunity and even outright invitation to tell me to piss off. He chose to stay in touch and share vulnerable moments instead. That's on him, not me.

Its not your job to "analyse him and save him from his partner".
I overthink everything in life. Welcome to my head. But no, I have no intention of saving him and I do not think I've ever expressed that. As I said, it's their mess to sort.

Can you not be happy being single or find someone else to date or be friends with?
I have been happily single for a few years. The feelings I have for him are an inconvenience, but we can't always chose how we feel.

I assume he's quite a good "catch" - good job and childfree and charming - or you wouldn't be obsessing over him so much, but if the authentic interest isn't there from his side it's not there.
You know, I have all of that, bar the childfree bit (which I wouldn't want - I love my children). I have a good job (actually now superior to him - I took on a promotion when I left), my own place, a decent life.

I am glad he's not interested. I was worried he was. Like I said, I had a weak moment in my own crisis when I told him how I felt.

I am glad he's not interested. I was worried he was. Like I said, I had a weak moment in my own crisis when I told him how I felt.
Honestly I can see why you're marmite, you're completely deluded.
How can you have spent so much time overthinking this all and then say you're glad he's not interested?
Seek therapy.

Honestly OP, this is weird. You are in a whole world of make believe.

So you basically hoped he would be interested, otherwise why go through all this trouble disecting his relationship. And now it turns out he wasn't interested and you claim to be relieved? Confused

Ach, mammy, you have been rude from the start.

But this kind of reaction is why I didn't want to say which one I am. Because no matter what I say on here, people will insist I am after him.

No, these feelings are inconvenient. I wish they weren't there; it would free my head for nicer things.
I know my place with him, but I had doubts when he was happy and keen to arrange an evening. I doubted his intentions, given what I had told him. I would have disrespected him had he done anything untoward, given the context. I was worried he was looking for a way out. I am glad he isn't with me.

Because @StrawberryRainbows the context here matters. He has actually admitted to midlife crisis niggles. He wasn't complimentary about his fiancee that last time we'd spoken privately before; he was quite open about many ways in which there was friction between them.

So for him to then agree to meet someone who told him theye were in love was a bit... hmm. I wanted to see him because I like him and I miss him as the friend he had become over the years. But I didn't want to be an excuse.

@Catacendre makes sense if he has led you on and made you think there was more. Maybe there initially was more feelings from his side, but it cooled down by the time you met up again or he was getting cold feet.
He doesn't sound like he's in a mid life crisis considering he's only in his 30s.

Perfectly said. Absolutely ridiculous and very sad actually

This all makes sense if you think OP has a personality disorder. Something Cluster B they used to call it. Grandiose, manipulative, self centered, etc… she may pretty it up by treating it like a charitable act, an ethical concern, a fact finding mission, an “I gotta be me” authentic lifestyle choice or whatever but the whole thing from the interaction with this guy, to the write up at mumsnet, reeks of narcissism.

He is meeting up with this other woman because his primary relationship is not sufficient to meet his needs and the contact with the other woman fills a gap. Its impossible to know whether the gap is a need for ego strokes, genuine platonic friendship or whether he sees the woman as a potential replacement for his financee or affair partner.
If you are the young woman, my advice is to avoid him like the plague. None of his reasons for meeting you are in your interests. You can't be friends if you love him, and he isn't free to be anything else.
If you are the fiancee, my advice to you is ideally to leave this relationship. Regardless of the OW, he isn't doing right by you. However if you'd rather stay, then manage your expectations. This is not true love, its convenience and habit. If that's enough, and keeping in mind it might not be enough for him forever, and you'll lose him anyway, then continue.
Do not let your future prospects put you off. An intelligent, attractive financially independent 60s woman will absolutely have options.

OP, he doesn't want you. He may not commit to his partner properly but that doesn't mean he wants you. If he wanted you, a man like him would easily have had you by now. He likes the flattery and attention. You're obviously deeply in love with him and trying to use his failings in his current relationship to convince yourself he wants you. He doesn't and never will.

It could be a mix of possibilities op @Catacendre I guess only by having a cuppa can you decipher the true perspectives