How likely that he has innocent intentions?

[Catacendre]

A man is in a very long-term relationship of more than 15 years, though both live hours apart. Engaged for over 7 years, at her request, no immediate plans for marriage from him for the foreseeable, although his fiancee is very keen to move the relationship on. He is mid-40s, his fiancee much older, the woman below is a fair bit younger, which may make a difference, although out of the three, his fiancee is the most conventionally attractive.

He has worked with a woman for a few years, both get on very well and when she gets a new job they start meeting up every few months, essentially when their busy lives allow for it. They live reasonably close, but not close enough for a chance meeting, so some effort does go into meeting up. She soon confesses that she is in love with him and offers to leave him to it.

After a few months, for work reasons, they get back in touch, initiated by her. He is in a vulnerable place due to work and shares with her just how generally down he feels. She initiates the next meeting and he agrees to see her.

My question is this:
Is there ever an innocent reason to meet up as friends between the two? The question of how she now feels about him has never been spoken about again, so his assumption must be that she still feels the same.

Neither come across as predatory. But I wonder whether mid-life and a vulnerable position in his work, and therefore a large part of his life, make him more prone to take risks, especially as he does not seem to want to commit in his existing relationship.

I also wonder why he has agreed to meet up for (non-alcoholic) drinks with a woman who has crossed a boundary like that.

Almost certainly he's meeting you for one of the following reasons:

1 he thinks that you will be an easy lay and he's a player
2 he knows you're in love with him and he enjoys the attention but will keep you dangling on the line platonically for as long as he can
3 he is just meeting you for coffee as a friend and assumes that your previous disclosure is in the past
4 it's going to be the start of a serious committed relationship with you him no longer being with his fiancée.

Of the options I'd prob bet my house on 1 or 2. Walk away.

There's no future with the fiancee. That pointless relationship needs ending.This new woman will make him see that I suspect. I hope they are all happy.

It could be 20 years or more before both sets of parents pass. They might not leave money to you two. It's a long time to be hanging around,

Whether you're the absurdly patient fiancée whose wasting her life for the promise of a possible marriage in a couple of decades, or the woman in love with this man, you need to distance yourself from this man if you ever want to be happy. You get one life, don't waste it with him.

So what people are unanimous about is that the relationship is doomed. I assume this is despite the entanglement 15+ years brings with it, including family and friends. The age of his fiancee plays a major role in this, I think. Being 60+ would make it almost impossible to make a fresh start and find someone suitable, so if she left, she'd face a future alone.

The new woman... she is not attractive. She is quite big. She has children, something both him and his fiancee never had (wanted) and are now way too old to have.

He is a self-declared commitment phobe. He would not be good for either woman, I know that (no, I will not declare my position in this). I just want to know how likely it is that he is meeting a woman who declared feelings for him in a way that could be anything other than platonic.

I think I have my answer. Every thing else will follow, but it's not an easy split as so many assume, even if there are no actual financial commitments. Years of investment do count.

What does it matter if the other woman is physically attractive? Different strokes for different folks and all that.

If you are not one of the three, why is any of this your business anyway?

If you are the fiancee, you would rather have scraps than be 'alone'? You would rather be disrespected than taking ownership of your life? Crack on.

This is really hard to follow and would be much more straightforward to comment on if you just said who you are in this triangle, or if you are a friend .

This is what “lining someone up” looks like.

He sees the new one as a better bet than the older woman. what I see is he’s 45, she’s pushing sixty. He’s suddenly seen that maybe kids would be OK, and it will be with her.

People in their 60s date and form relationships! What a daft thing to think that she'd be alone because of her age.
She's more alone now, hanging around waiting for this tosser.

Entangled is a word he's using to justify not breaking up.with the fiance.

I honestly dony know why you are being so secretive but you are all ridiculous to keep this going.

1. Plenty of people 60+ have full happy lives, either single, or with new lovers.
2. The fiancés may feel “entangled” but they are objectively much less entangled than the usual long term couple who have joint property to split, and children.

Neither are good enough excuses to stay in an unfulfilling “relationship”.

Also, expecting anything from parents dying is at best naïve and at worst cynical. They may all need care homes, perhaps for years and years, which would decimate any inheritance. It’s a bit weird to make future plans based on such a vague and uncertain basis - waiting for all parents to die. If you’re going to make future plans, do it based on your own financial situation now.

Money is not an issue. Both own houses anyway, so there would be plenty left from both sales and yes, it means that there shouldn't be an actual barrier to moving in now.

Do men really have such a fragile ego that the flattery of a woman taking a shine to them outweighs both the awkwardness that follows and the potential feelings of their partner? Or is this more likely a phase, both driven by middle age (midlife crisis, perhaps?) and by the stresses he is being put under at work?

The sports car hasn't appeared yet, though the increased drive to improve his body has. I don't think that's for her, though; they don't see each other often enough.

Why are you continuing to write about yourself as if it's not you? I can't believe you are even entertaining this relationship. No it isn't platonic or innocent. He is an absolute commitment phone. You deserve better.

He doesn't want either of them. He wants to live alone and have the attention of multiple women. He may meet someone he is mad about and settle down with, but it's neither of these two. They're just convenient sources of attention/sex.

And a man is definitely not way too old to have kids at 45.

I think you are asking the wrong question.
The right one would be 'would you waste your time on a man who has shown no commitment in 15 years and is now meeting up with another woman?'

I'm sorry OP, I'm taking from your updates that you are the fiancé.

I think you are too caught up in the minor details of what's happening to see what is quite clear.

You're focusing on who's more attractive, enmeshed social and family groups and innocent vs not innocent meet ups.

What is clear is you're in a relationship with someone who has you ticking along, where he wants to, with the least amount of commitment he could get away with.

This relationship hasn't got legs, and you'd do better to finish things now, rather than waiting for inheritances and weddings.

It's not innocent.

OP is the guy, I reckon.
What a loser.

😂At least then I'd have some clarity of what the hell is going on.

Everything else will follow, but it's not an easy split as so many assume, even if there are no actual financial commitments. Years of investment do count.

Years of investment in what? Perhaps you need to look up the sunk cost fallacy.

I think the OP is the other woman, hoping to be told that the man may have nefarious ideas.

I think he just sounds weak and a bit dull OP. Move on.

I think you are cynically floating the scenario to find out what people will think of you.

Either way, I'm finding your approach cowardly as well as confusing.

I’m confused. Is this the plot for a romance you’re writing? I have to say that I wouldn’t be interested in reading it 🤣 None of the characters sound interesting or remotely sexy. Good luck all the same!

If it weren't for the fact that he is the wrong age, I could almost believe that the man in this scenario is someone I know. Very similar long-distance relationship faffing about, very similar 'friendships' with younger women, but unable to decide which way to jump, so stays put and does nothing about it.