Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He put his hands on my neck

100 replies

blupenguin · 27/08/2023 06:59

He didn’t squeeze and it didn’t last long, but this is a red flag isn’t it?

I won’t give too many details or history because I don’t think it matters.

We were arguing and he was angry and whilst his hands were there he said something like “do you want me
to” and I’m an idiot and said yeah do it and he stopped.

he only held his hands there but I’ve read previously that men who strangle are very dangerous and there are some statistics about how many of those go on to kill. He didn’t strangle me but I’m really worried that his instincts were to go there at all.

OP posts:
BlueMoe · 27/08/2023 07:00

Definitely he has to go.

Wolfiefan · 27/08/2023 07:01

Your instincts are right I’m afraid. The statistics show that men who do this are a real threat to their partners.

user1492757084 · 27/08/2023 07:06

So many angry people. Young people have so much stress and they fly off the handle.
I worry for you OP.
I suggest serous Anger Management if you are in a family.
If he is a bf leave him.

Original poster
blupenguin · 27/08/2023 07:11

Married with kids.
not the first sign of anger but the first time he’s touched my neck in an argument. The look on his face was scary. He slept downstairs last night and hasn’t apologised or mentioned it. I feel a bit numb but very wary.

OP posts:
SpeccyDoodler · 27/08/2023 07:18

Run, don’t walk OP.

SunRainStorm · 27/08/2023 07:21

There is a very high correlation between this act and the woman eventually being killed.

Run don't walk.

Get an ultrasound on your neck as well.

A lot of women die of strokes within 12 months of strangulation attempts. Get it looked at and document what he did.

Original poster
blupenguin · 27/08/2023 07:23

SpeccyDoodler · 27/08/2023 07:18

Run, don’t walk OP.

I know.
i’m a bit heartbroken.
Im holding out hope that he’s going to apologise and show some awareness and reassure me. But, im quite an anxious chaser and I worry I’m going to crave that and ask for that.
I need to really stay strong and focus inwards.

OP posts:
UnaVaca · 27/08/2023 07:23

Do you want your kids growing up in this environment?

crumblylancs · 27/08/2023 07:24

I seriously think that if it's escalated to him putting hands round your neck, at some point it will go to squeezing and who knows what the outcome will be then, take his actions seriously.

An apology doesn't change things, being nice for a while doesn't change things- he's shown you what he's capable of, believe him.

RaceToTheMiddle · 27/08/2023 07:26

Yes don’t wait around to see what his next action will be. Please

You know the statistics. Don’t let this be the course of action for your kids mum and dad x

Original poster
blupenguin · 27/08/2023 07:27

I know. I’m fully aware of the risk that he now poses. I just can’t help but feel shattered at what comes next.
We’re due to go away tomorrow for a week. I feel like I need to do that and stay quiet and avoid anything other than superficial conversation and then he needs to go. I can’t go away without him, I wouldn’t manage the children for a few reasons. And I don’t want to let them down and not go.
I just need to stay strong.

OP posts:
Ansjovis · 27/08/2023 07:28

Even if he does apologise, even if he throws himself on the floor and begs for your forgiveness, do not listen. It's not just your life at stake here, you're risking leaving your children with him as their only parent. You know exactly what you need to do (which is great by the way) now you just need to take a deep breath and hold firm. You can do this!

Nicole1111 · 27/08/2023 07:33

You are quite right in thinking this is a red flag. There have been many links made between behaviour like that and people who go on to kill a partner. While he didn’t attempt strangle you on this occasion it won’t be long until his behaviour escalates. You need to find a way to leave as safely as possible, as the risk can often increase at the end of a relationship. You need to contact woman’s aid as soon as you can safely do so.

Valerie23 · 27/08/2023 07:35

Please don't put having a holiday as your priority.

What if he loses it again when you're away?

You can always go on holiday again another time. You can't go again if you're dead.

bingbongbang23 · 27/08/2023 07:35

blupenguin · 27/08/2023 07:27

I know. I’m fully aware of the risk that he now poses. I just can’t help but feel shattered at what comes next.
We’re due to go away tomorrow for a week. I feel like I need to do that and stay quiet and avoid anything other than superficial conversation and then he needs to go. I can’t go away without him, I wouldn’t manage the children for a few reasons. And I don’t want to let them down and not go.
I just need to stay strong.

Leave. If not for you, then for the kids.

They should never have to witness something like this. I genuinely believe it is our responsibility as parents to be good role models.

What your husband did is unforgivable in my opinion

Find a way to make next week work- either he goes on his own, you go on your own, you stay etc. but make sure you are separate.

If nothing else, is a clear message that you will not tolerate such behaviour

cushioncovers · 27/08/2023 07:42

You need to make plans to end this relationship.

ZekeZeke · 27/08/2023 07:46

blupenguin · 27/08/2023 07:11

Married with kids.
not the first sign of anger but the first time he’s touched my neck in an argument. The look on his face was scary. He slept downstairs last night and hasn’t apologised or mentioned it. I feel a bit numb but very wary.

His anger isn't something new so you and your children have been living with this.
He hasn't apologised, but slept downstairs so he 100% knows what he has done is wrong but hasn't apogised. He should be on his hands and knees begging forgiveness OP.

I'm going to ask you a question.
If this was your daughter what advice would you give her?
If this was your sister, what advice would you give her.
If this was your best friend, what advice would you give her?

Original poster
blupenguin · 27/08/2023 07:49

The kids didn’t witness anything. It was when we were in bed. It wasn’t noisy or anything and as far as I’m aware they were asleep.

I know he needs to go. I wanted, I guess, other voices behind what I was thinking. I know he will say he didn’t do anything because he didn’t apply pressure but I couldn’t sleep last night and my mind is racing.

I think he will pretend nothing has happened. As long as I stay quiet and don’t start any conversations then I don’t imagine we will have any conflict. That’s my worry. I’m usually very needy and need resolution. But here I’m aware it would be pointless. I know it marks the end.

I just can’t cancel the holiday. The kids are really excited and I don’t know how I’d explain it. I honestly can’t go alone.

I need to just get through this week and stay strong and stay focused on myself. I won’t allow any conflict in front of the kids and I just need to keep my mouth shut when they’re in bed.

OP posts:
averylongtimeago · 27/08/2023 07:57

Do what you have to do and make plans- don't let him know.
Stay safe- your kids need you

readingmynightaway · 27/08/2023 07:58

No tip toeing or lying low.
You confront him and spread the word to someone in your family, friends.
Going away is going to be usually more stress, what next.
Here's your chance to get the history noted down for the future emotion and mental physical abuse you will need know to protect you and your children.
It is.not worth living like this.
People will support and help you parenting if you look for it.

Rainbowqueeen · 27/08/2023 08:00

Can you email womens aid before the holiday? And start thinking about an exit plan.

Wishing you all the best.

Shadesofscarlett · 27/08/2023 08:02

I second speaking to Women's Aid now - also can you log this with your GP and with the police. All of these are Gateways to Legal Aid also in the future should you need it. Get this on record to protect yourself as well as to get some support for you

Dery · 27/08/2023 08:07

“No tip toeing or lying low.
You confront him”

Since he is abusive, this is dangerous advice. Please do NOT do this.

You need to plan carefully and secretly. Take the holiday if need be and act as normal as possible with him for now. Keep silent about your plans until you’re ready to act. Abusers are at their most dangerous when losing control.

Ansjovis · 27/08/2023 08:07

I know he will say he didn’t do anything because he didn’t apply pressure

But you know what the answer to this is, right? Physically he didn't harm you as there was no pressure BUT psychological harm was definitely done. What possible reason is there to put your hands on the throat of another? The intention was to frighten, to intimidate. That's not nothing and you must not let him minimise. It's good that you are thinking about what he might say and do, it allows time to come up with internal responses to it all before it happens.

readingmynightaway · 27/08/2023 08:08

Let someone besides mn know what is going on.