Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He put his hands on my neck

100 replies

blupenguin · 27/08/2023 06:59

He didn’t squeeze and it didn’t last long, but this is a red flag isn’t it?

I won’t give too many details or history because I don’t think it matters.

We were arguing and he was angry and whilst his hands were there he said something like “do you want me
to” and I’m an idiot and said yeah do it and he stopped.

he only held his hands there but I’ve read previously that men who strangle are very dangerous and there are some statistics about how many of those go on to kill. He didn’t strangle me but I’m really worried that his instincts were to go there at all.

OP posts:
PeachesoutinGeorgia · 27/08/2023 08:09

This happened to me too and I left (we have have a young toddler and you work out logistics). So much happier not getting screamed at and gaslighted. My final straw was he pinned me up against a wardrobe.

The government help out so much with money and am actually questioning why I stayed so long💕 Dig deep and go x

hdbs17 · 27/08/2023 08:15

You can't apologise for that sort of behaviour.

If he's capable of that, he's capable of more whether he can control it or not.

Get out now.

MariaPurito · 27/08/2023 08:16

He has assaulted you OP and being in an unfamiliar location puts you at further risk. Being there and tip toeing around him could irritate him further and provoke an escalation.
You need to leave safely now. It will be hard on you and the kids anyway, but harder if he escalates this week.
Get help, call women's aid, tell a trusted friend/boss/neighbour.

Original poster
blupenguin · 27/08/2023 08:28

I hear what people are saying but their is no way I would cancel the holiday. I want to try and protect the kids from too much chaos.

I know him quite well and he prefers if I pretend nothing has happened. He likes to ignore things. If I’m pleasant and get on with things, he will be. I just need to make sure I can do that.

I need to make sure I don’t forget too. I’m not going to leave, I’ll make him leave. I know the advice might suggest that’s not the best idea but I’m not leaving. If he refuses I’ll ring the police. He’s actually a wimp most of the time and just the threat of the police would make him quiver. He’s the classic bully. Saves his nasties for me.

OP posts:
Original poster
blupenguin · 27/08/2023 08:31

I also feel like I can’t tell anyone. I don’t know why. Maybe I’m embarrassed.
I’d want to keep things as amicable as possible and I know if I told anybody, he would be angry and hold that against me.

I could tell my best friend. I’m at the stage now where I know I should have left before and she does and I’m wary of sounding like a broken record.
I always thought I was stronger than this.

OP posts:
hdbs17 · 27/08/2023 08:33

blupenguin · 27/08/2023 08:28

I hear what people are saying but their is no way I would cancel the holiday. I want to try and protect the kids from too much chaos.

I know him quite well and he prefers if I pretend nothing has happened. He likes to ignore things. If I’m pleasant and get on with things, he will be. I just need to make sure I can do that.

I need to make sure I don’t forget too. I’m not going to leave, I’ll make him leave. I know the advice might suggest that’s not the best idea but I’m not leaving. If he refuses I’ll ring the police. He’s actually a wimp most of the time and just the threat of the police would make him quiver. He’s the classic bully. Saves his nasties for me.

Sorry, but I think this is a terrible idea and to him will show you as being weak and easy to control and take advantage of.

It doesn't matter if he's a wimp, or if the police frighten him - the fact is that he has shown what he is capable of. There is no going back from that.

It's not good for your DC to be in a household where that could happen.

ZekeZeke · 27/08/2023 08:35

I don't know why you bothered posting OP. You are not listening to the responses.
You will be back posting in 6 months about how he did it again......

Original poster
blupenguin · 27/08/2023 08:40

because I’m not cancelling my children’s holiday I shouldn’t have posted?

I know what situation I’m in. I’ve lived with him for 15 years. I’m fully aware of what I need to do.

I feel worried that I’ll be persuaded that I’m over reacting or that as time passes, I’ll lose this feeling that I can’t stay with him. Because I am usually easy to bend and I always see the best in people and I’m a fool tbh.

I wanted mental back up. That my concerns were valid.

You can say that I’m not listening but I am. I’m just aware of my circumstances and the situation I’m in.

I’m not leaving my home, for reasons I don’t want to go into because it’s very personal.

Things have escalated clearly but I know what sets him off and I’m confident I can
focus on the kids for the next week and avoid any confrontation.

I just need to ask him to leave once we’re home. And I need to make sure I still feel this way in a week and I haven’t been ‘charmed’ by him in any way. Because he will be lovely as long as I’m quiet.

OP posts:
ZekeZeke · 27/08/2023 08:50

You (and your children) have put up with this for years.
You say your children were asleep when the latest violent incident of his hands around your neck happened. But I'm sure they have witnessed his aggression previously.

Ask any person here about their abusive childhood, they ALWAYS say they wished their parents had separated before they did

Do you have daughters? You are showing them it's okay to put up with this site, be meek be passive keep quiet.
Do you have sons? You are showing them that abusive behaviour is tolerated.

You are choosing to go on holiday where you will smile laugh pretend that everything is okay and then bam ask him to leave when you get home? That will fxuk the kids up more!!! Don't you see that?

MariaPurito · 27/08/2023 08:53

"Things have escalated clearly but I know what sets him off and I’m confident I can
focus on the kids for the next week and avoid any confrontation"

If only all the women who died at the hands of a violent man just knew how not to set him off. Listen yourself OP. What's would you tell your daughter to do? Would you tell her to risk it and go on one last holiday?
You don't like the responses, but going on holiday at this point is an insane risk to your children if he decides to squeeze your neck this week because you "set him off".

TLDRfuckers · 27/08/2023 08:56

I understand why you’re thinking the way you are however you could be killed.

sometimes it’s better to act immediately and get rid instead of waiting until a “better” time such as after a holiday etc you know this deep down I expect OP, sorry you’re going through this,

DrMorbius · 27/08/2023 08:57

Op, he put his hands around your neck and asked you, if you wanted him to kill you in a very personal and violent way.
First of all, how would you react if a stranger did that to you in the street?

Second, violence/abuse always escalates. Now because he has had his hands around your neck, that no langer has the same impact as the first time. So the abuser is forced to up the ante.

It's obvious, you sound embarrassed, want to keep it quiet, not let the kids down etc. But seriously think is it worth it? Every woman murdered by her partner will have been on an escalating path and for whatever reason, they didn't get out in time.

Motnight · 27/08/2023 08:57

Let's not criticise the Op here, she is the person dealing with an awful situation and she is doing what she thinks is right.

Good luck Op, I hope that you and your children stay safe.

stiltonbriecheddar · 27/08/2023 08:58

If you still go on holiday you're sending him the wrong message. What if he decides while you're away to actually strangle you? Even if you do stay quiet and try not to upset him?

OP I've been on the receiving end of hands around my neck and the threat of being killed while my kids were in the next room and I didn't do anything. I hate now that I didn't do anything. I have a completely different OH now and normal people don't go around strangling people because they're angry.

wrigglewriggles · 27/08/2023 09:04

@blupenguin
I was in a similar situation a few years ago. The moment he laid his hands on my neck was the moment I knew I was done and our relationship over. There was no way he was going to put his hands on me again.
On reflection there were other things before this that should have prompted me to leave/us to separate but I wasn't strong enough to do it.
It still took me a couple of months to build up the courage to say out loud that we were done. I needed that time to build up the courage and be in the right headspace. I also needed to have a plan. I was stronger, had made up my mind and no apology/pleading/good behaviour from him could change my mind.
Wishing you all the best in whatever you plan to do. Get out but do it on a time scale that suits you (I recommend sooner rather than later for your safety and your children) and tell someone - friend, police, family whoever but tell someone so you have support.

Zanatdy · 27/08/2023 09:04

OP I understand why you don’t want to let your kids down with the holiday. It’s all very well for posters to say leave right now etc but in all the threads I’ve read on here few women up and leave there and then. But your life is in danger now. Someone who puts his hands around your throat is dangerous. By all means go on your holiday, but be very careful, go to bed when the kids do. Don’t sit up drinking as this can trigger arguments. Danger is you change your mind in a weeks time, and the next argument the violence escalates. Your children need their mum around, not 6ft under. Be careful, very careful. Contact Women’s aid for advice - I believe they have a text feature?

Original poster
blupenguin · 27/08/2023 09:05

I’m very emotional and trying to hide it as best as I can right now.

I don’t have all of the answers and I’m sure I will make mistakes.

I want to curl in a ball and hide away but I can’t. I have to get on with life. Which is very hectic and demanding and everybody needs me and it’s just hard.

OP posts:
Namechange666 · 27/08/2023 09:45

Op you sound like you've been utterly ground down by him.

I know you haven't given background for purposes but it almost pours out in every post.

I would if you could, as you're going to need mental and physical support, try and do a webchat with women's aid. When you get back from your holiday, please ring them.

There are 4 stages of fight, flight, fawn and freeze.
I think you are caught between the last two and these are still normal reactions to trauma.

I am worried about you but you know him best. If you think you can handle this holiday then by all means but please when you get back, start making plans.

They say the most dangerous time can be when a woman leaves or him leaving so it might be an idea to have someone there or notify the police ahead of time just in case.

Read why does he do that by lundy Bancroft online free pdf and speak to women's aid. I'll be thinking of you.

princesssparkle9985 · 27/08/2023 09:53

OP you sound very measured to me. Women who live with domestic violence and coercive control often are extremely attuned to their own danger and spend most of their time managing their way of being to keep themselves and their children safe. I believe you are making the best decision for you by going on the holiday. Please do make a plan to separate from him but do this with some involvement of someone else - women’s aid, your friend, the police. Make sure someone knows because in the next while you are at increased risk of harm. Have a plan for holidays in the event that he chooses to be violent or abusive, how will you leave, make sure your phone is on you, know where you can go locally with your children if needed etc.
If you stay with him he will absolutely do this again the second you inadvertently behave in a way that threatens his control. It doesn’t matter that he didn’t squeeze he is letting you know intentionally what he is capable of to keep you entrapped and in line. I hope you can access support in real life.

crumblylancs · 27/08/2023 09:57

blupenguin · 27/08/2023 08:40

because I’m not cancelling my children’s holiday I shouldn’t have posted?

I know what situation I’m in. I’ve lived with him for 15 years. I’m fully aware of what I need to do.

I feel worried that I’ll be persuaded that I’m over reacting or that as time passes, I’ll lose this feeling that I can’t stay with him. Because I am usually easy to bend and I always see the best in people and I’m a fool tbh.

I wanted mental back up. That my concerns were valid.

You can say that I’m not listening but I am. I’m just aware of my circumstances and the situation I’m in.

I’m not leaving my home, for reasons I don’t want to go into because it’s very personal.

Things have escalated clearly but I know what sets him off and I’m confident I can
focus on the kids for the next week and avoid any confrontation.

I just need to ask him to leave once we’re home. And I need to make sure I still feel this way in a week and I haven’t been ‘charmed’ by him in any way. Because he will be lovely as long as I’m quiet.

That's going to be the struggle OP, being away from home and trying to be okay for the kids sake could push you back to not wanting to leave (more not feeling able to I guess?)

Of course the children deserve the holiday but you really deserve your life more, and hy that I mean a proper fulfilling life, not one where you're living in fear.

Is there no option for you to go alone with them? Would you report him to the police?

Prelapsarianhag · 27/08/2023 14:03

So sorry that you are suffering at the hands of this horible man. I am worried that holidays are stressful and sometimes involve alcohol. He knows that he has crossed a line and might be watching for changes in your behavour. I understand it will make him angry but I would tell someone, eg. GP, what he has done and make sure he knows you have told them. Too many men have got away with killing their wives and saying it was a sex game gone wrong, if he knows you have told someone he knows he won't get away with this.

WeeOrcadian · 27/08/2023 14:10

Imagine yourself in the position of your child gelling you that their spouse did this to them - what advice would you give them?

NeverDropYourMooncup · 27/08/2023 14:17

I think you're playing a dangerous game with your plans for making him leave. He's already crossed the Rubicon by putting his hands around your neck in cold blood - thinking he'll go meekly if you tell him 'I'll call the Police if you don't' could be a gamble you lose.

What happens if he wants sex on holiday - do you let him and risk him doing it again? Do you refuse and risk him doing it again? What if he's just waiting for his next excuse to do it - and to argue that you told him to? That it's a normal part of your sex life if he strangles you whilst your children sleep?

Is not wanting your children disappointed about a holiday really worth risking them waking up to a dead Mummy on Thursday morning?

SunRainStorm · 27/08/2023 14:21

OP get to a GP and document that this happened. Immediately.

Get a referral for an ultrasound- there may be damage to your neck that isn't apparent by looking at it.

Takeitonthechin · 27/08/2023 14:23

If you think it's not a red flag, then why bother posting.

To me, it's a red flag, you should've called the police and get rid of him... but what did you say to him to make him do this ?