He put his hands on my neck

[blupenguin]

He didn’t squeeze and it didn’t last long, but this is a red flag isn’t it?

I won’t give too many details or history because I don’t think it matters.

We were arguing and he was angry and whilst his hands were there he said something like “do you want me
to” and I’m an idiot and said yeah do it and he stopped.

he only held his hands there but I’ve read previously that men who strangle are very dangerous and there are some statistics about how many of those go on to kill. He didn’t strangle me but I’m really worried that his instincts were to go there at all.

I totally get where you are. The feelings are complex and it isn't easy to leave. The time must be absolutely right for you, it needs preparation and it needs safety. You don't need to tell anyone in your friends or family group what's going at at the moment if you don't feel comfortable. It takes a lot to confess this. I never imagined being in a similar relationship but I found myself there.
Good luck OP I'm thinking of you. Be strong.

Sending you good wishes and strength OP. Please leave as soon as you feel able. Statistics show that 1 in 4 women experience DV in their life and out of that 25%, 68% of them suffer near fatal strangulation. I’m only saying this so you, and anyone else reading this in a similar situation realises what a massive red flag this is.

https://naplesshelter.org/strangulation/

OP, there really is nothing sadder than reading in the paper of the woman strangled by her partner, who is now jailed and young children left to the care system.

Have you thought who would take your children in?

Or would they be left to the care system?

Its a big ask?

Have you made proper provision and are your wishes known?

Unfortunately this is your reality because of him.

I am so sorry and this is so hard, but this needs logging with your GP/Women's aid/friends/ the police.

He is so dangerous and your life is in danger.

Think of your children who need their mum.

I'm worried after this holiday with time having passed and the fact that holidays can feel more positive as they aren't normal reality, you will relent and reconsider...but if you must go away then please please do tell your best friend....if you think you can count on her to look out for you.Or if not tell someone else.Give them your holiday address, and ask them to message you every day to check you're okay.

When you get home you MUST leave.
This man cannot control his anger.
The fact he shows no remorse or shame for his behaviours is even more worrying.

Next time it could go further.

Next time your kids could be left without a mother.

Or, next time he could turn on them too.

Starting a new life may not be easy, but you will all be safe, and that's what matters most.❤️

Hi @blupenguin
I am so so sorry this has happened to you. It's a huge amount to take in and I am not surprised you are in shock.
I am not in quite the same situation as you but I am in an abusive relationship and planning to leave. I understand the terror and the bargaining and the backwards and forwards and (for me anyway ) has been the questioning of "Is it really that bad/ is it enough to leave my whole life for"

I went on holiday just after an incident- it didn't escalate physically in the way it has with you (and I see lots of others have sent links to the non-fatal strangulation info, I would absolutely second at the very least letting your GP know - I don't know if it's possible pre- holiday? (would ear infection / UTI / something like that be an excuse you could use to your husband if you need one as to why you are going? ) .

But my point is, I went on this holiday with the week before being the time I knew I was absolutely done......... and feeling pure terror at the thought of spending time somewhere remote with a partner (living with a similar amount of time to you ) that I didn't recognise or feel safe with anymore.

There was no outburst on that holiday (other than the usual emotional stuff) - nothing "escalated" ..... but I barely slept, my head was running wild and it was very difficult to keep it together.

I was ready to leave then...... and we are coming up to not short of a year , and I haven't .. yet..... I am at the point now of knowing now I'm ready I need to jump or I will talk myself back out of it again..... things have got scary in very different ways ... and (hindsight being the wonderful thing it is ) I wish I'd listened to my gut then...

If you can , break it down into chunks..... if speaking with GP is an option , perhaps this is the first. The women's aid chat feature is great if you have time and space when you can use it, and if you have a chance to meet with a friend and let them know what is going on then please please do . If you think your dad is someone you could let know what has happened and/ or you and the children could go to parents in the short term , then there is a huge part of me urging you to consider that.... I know added pressure of everyone saying "leave and leave now" is probably making your brain hurt... but if there's one step on those you can do today ... take the kids to the park whilst it's the bank holiday to meet a friend, see if said friend could come with you to a GP or walk in centre appt today or tomorrow... there are ways to get to the next step, you don't have to do anything huge today , just one step

You will get through this, you have so much more strength than you think

It’s nice to feel less alone @Eteiene

I hope you get the strength to leave soon.

It really is going to take a lot for me to do this and the anger does seem to be easing somewhat, which is annoying.

He is being grumpy and sulky and then occasionally apologising for being grumpy with the kids and I just have no words when he does. I don’t want to hear it. So that’s a change. Usually I would engage in that conversation and I can’t even bring myself to respond to him.

Once the kids are asleep, their is no conversation.

I’ve worked out finances and I’ll manage, even if he doesn’t pay me anything. I find myself also tying to work out where he would go and how he would manage his finances and that’s something I need to stop.

it’s going to be against advice here but I want things to be as amicable as possible. If at all possible. I don’t have the energy for anything dramatic.

I have read all of the replies and I’m really grateful for them all. The kinder replies were really helpful and have made me feel stronger and understood.

I won’t be doing anything urgently. I’m aware I’d be wise to. I just haven’t got it in me. But, I will be asking him to leave and I’ll make sure I have somebody around at the time. I don’t see a future with him anymore and that is a big change for me. I don’t want to be around him and I can’t wait to be rid of him. It will be a weight lifted. I feel suffocated and I think I have for years.

Darling I'm so sorry. This is a red flag. You are right and though it's hard to believe, it almost certainly is a downhill slope from here.

My ex fiancé did that. The next time it was with pressure. Then it was shoving so I fell and hit my head. I waited for the apologies and reconciliation and even if they came it didn't prevent it happening again. Fast forward a few years and he beat me up while my 2yo was in the bath unattended. It never got better and only worse. It's a well known pattern.

Please see Pat Cravens book, living with the dominator. You will be able to predict his every move from here with terrifying accuracy.

Speak to women's aid.

If you don't feel able to now then Next time you call the police every single time.

Leave. Today.

My step father did this to my mother and me and my siblings. Some was play some was in anger, it got worse and worse.

My mother sadly is still with him but none of her children speak to her anymore as she didn’t protect us as children. We are all very accomplished and ok in our own lives but we all have nightmares and we are now in our 40s.

Men like this do a lot of psychological damage as well as the physical. I’ve been woken up by him being punched in the head when he was drunk as I made a mess blowing bubbles out of the window etc. they are evil.

some of the stuff you won’t even know or see.

your kids are probably terrified already. You just won’t see it.

bugger the holiday or have it without him.

you need to leave today. My mother is a puppet, a bullied fragment of the woman she used to be. Now all she has is him.

Don’t forget what happened or what will happen next. Him apologising or not means nothing.

you are in a very dangerous situation and acting quite passively with oh I can’t do this, I don’t have the strength for that.

he won’t go quietly when you ask. Why would he give up all control!

you are right to throw him out with several witnesses present but you will already need to have reported him to the police/GP/the children’s school and childcare providers so everyone is aware of who he really is.

you will also need a locksmith on hand to change the locks as otherwise as soon as you supporters go home he’ll be back, and he’ll be angry. He isn’t this passive wimp you speak of who will just disappear from your life. You need to get a plan together and have reported this incident formally.

call the police and GP today. Email the school and all of the above parties making them aware you are living in fear, and what has happened most recently but also historically. There is then a paper trail.

he could never then say it was a sex game gone wrong. There is evidence.

it’s great you have worked out your finances. There is literally nothing stopping you.

you said you don’t have family to turn to yet family visit most Sundays and your dad was there the other day. Tell people!!!!!

I wish you the best of luck.

I fear you will do none of the good advice above but really hope that you do.

my ex did this to me, he was in tears on his knees begging me and saying sorry. I was foolish (and didn’t use mumsnet then to get support) and took him back - it happened again. I did leave then and have never looked back

the book living with the dominator is excellent and you will find him written on every page.

take all the help out there and move on with your lives

He'll be fine, just focus on yourself and the kids.

Helps to write things down. When I read back some of the things I was subjected to I am shocked I stayed and accepted the excuses, the fake apology.

Thinking of you!
Stay strong stay safe

@blupenguin
You certainly aren't alone, and I understand the fear at both the situation, and the enormity of leaving. Breaking things down one step at a time (And you don't need to answer on here but just some things that helped to think about) .

Can you see a friend and let them know what's happened before you go on holiday.
Ditto GP - this bit is really important due to the potential damage to your neck - I hear you saying there was no pressure applied, but having it documented and checked can put your mind at ease... honestly , it takes so little to do damage.
Once you are back from holiday having yours and the kids passports, birth certificates etc.. somewhere safe.
Car keys accessible to you and phone on you fully charged.
If you have a chance to access the women's aid chat then talking it through with someone (or your local service) might help you work through the next steps one at a time.

At the point you do decide to ask him to leave, please have someone with you as well as letting the police know. They can put an alert on your address so even if you don't want to report him they will come quickly if you need. I know this might all sound super scary from where you are sitting right now ....but honestly I'm in a space where I never thought I'd be where I am now and if I could have gone sooner I would.

Keep reaching out though.
We are listening.

Well done for making the decision. I suggest you aim to get yourself in the mindset ASAP. Having someone with you is a good idea. Wanting it to be amicable is good. However, be prepared for it, not bring like that.

As for where he will go, tell him if he says anything to go to the council. The majority of what they call housing option teams, which is to stop single mem being homeless.

Give him a date to leave by and stick to it. Be prepared to call the police if needs be.

You would be better telling him to leave straightaway, though that's up to you. Please, if you get any trouble with him, call the police. Your children and your safety is paramount.

This link below is to the charity group tor single people who are homeless, which is now nationwide. I'm sharing this with you so he can't make excuses he has nowhere to turn

www.greenpastures.co.uk/about-us

How are you doing @blupenguin 🤗

@Eteiene okay.
todays been odd. He started being much nicer and my confusion was back. The idea that I can do this if I continue to stay quiet all of the time. But then I saw him change when he was annoyed with my DS. His behaviour is challenging and my DH finds it very frustrating. But, he was unkind to him and I stepped in. He then had a go at me because I’m always the good guy whilst he’s the bad guy. This was in public. I just kept quiet. He seems to have got the point and he’s fine again now.
I know people think bad of me that it’s hard to let go, but it is hard. I know I need to and I’m trying to remind myself that he literally threatened to kill me.

If he's unkind to your son, it's another pressing reason to leave.

@category12 he can be. When my son is having a moment. I am very soft with all of my kids though, although I think they listen to me more than anyone so I would argue that my parenting style works. I just sometimes wonder if what I’m thinking of as unkind is maybe just normal for other people. But, I’m uncomfortable with it. It’s moments when DH is clearly not in control of his parenting that I find it uncomfortable.

@blupenguin
I hear you on how hard it is when the confusion of "are you actually a nice person / the person I thought I married/ partnered with ? " kicks in ... and then the rollercoaster of something happening / back to "fine" .........I think it's that that can be so exhausting.

I remember several of the "in public" kicking off ...and feeling frozen and "needing to keep quiet" (whilst everything in me wanted to rage or run) . It's so draining.....

No one is thinking bad of you ( I know that's hard to believe) . I think the responses in the posts above are very likely fear (and a want for you to protect your and DC's safety and wellbeing) based at the level of harm that was (or could have been/ could be) cause by what you describe........

If you have a little while still till holiday , wonder if you have had any more thoughts about whether there may be a natural opportunity to catch up with a friend or book a GP appt (or even women's aid chat? ) .

I don't say any of this as "thinking badly of you" or "pressuring" anything at all...........more I guess that perhaps I wish I'd done it earlier .... and I want safety for you and your DC's.

I understand the freeze response too - where it looks (to others) we are doing "nothing" . It's a really, really primal fear- response..........

ignore any of this that isn't useful/relevant to you ..........but my current strategy is that I'm going by the mantra of "do one thing" ( literally everyday I tell myself I'll message one friend/ look at one property/ pack one book or sentimental object somewhere safe) . It probably sounds silly but gives an element of feeling like this isn't all completely out of my control ( I know much of it is ) ..........

I realise this is a whole load of "advice" being thrown at you - but the biggest point of it is that you are absolutely NOT on your own in this, I promise- however much it feels it .........

I have had friends (who I've gradually been opening up to for a year plus now) who have been (at varying degrees of intensity/ insistence ) doing the "please leave" ..... It's so hard feeling pulled in multiple directions..........and to an extent it's a balance of taking a leap when the "fire" of " this is not okay" is there, and making sure you have adequate (emotional as much as anything ) support around you.

I will also say ...........within that year )and emotional abuse has been going on far longer than that) , the picture has only intensified and got "worse" ... that isn't to say I was anywhere near ready to leave then ...... but there is so much of my energy and sense of self (and injustice) that I have lost along the way . ....

If it would help to PM then please feel free - I'm not by any means "out" but I'm very happy to listen ...

If he kicks off again in public, look around you. You will probably see looks of horror/discomfort. This is people shocked by his behaviour!

Please call a women's aid helpline and discuss this.
I'm sorry this has happened stay safe x

@blupenguin
@Temporaryname158
This happened to me. I remember it as if it were yesterday it was 10 years ago, sitting in a busy cafe, after telling him my DC had a medical appointment, he lost his temper. He had such a bad response and slammed his fist on the table. People around just stared in disbelief or concern maybe. It was my fault for telling him this when he had jet lag, he has a phobia of hospital he this he that....nothing about DSS needs.

So I too know how your feeling and the difficulties in leaving but it is what you need to do.

Thinking of you x

@blupenguin i left an abusive marriage a long time ago and I recognise a lot of your behaviours, the “keep quiet, keep the peace, this will pass” I did the same. Until he told me he was going to kill me. At least I got the warning I suppose, hundreds of women each year don’t.
It’s complicated and it’s not easy to get out but you have to. You need to have his behaviours logged. Each time something happens message ( securely, he must never know) a trusted friend or relative the details. Tell them to keep these messages. Speak to your GP, a health visitor or nurse. Speak to Women’s Aid.
All your husband’s behaviours , every one of them, raises a red flag. He is dangerous, not just grumpy, not just a nuisance, he is a danger to you, maybe even to your children if he snaps completely. Please get away from him.

I just wonder what it will actually take to make you leave and keep you and your children safe

You need to do what you think is best to protect yourself and the kids. If that's keeping peace on a holiday, then do that. You know him and the situation best. But please don't get lulled into thinking that you're safe with him. He thought about killing you and he put his hands around your neck. It's chilling OP, but you know that. Remember the look in his eyes if that's what you need to galvanize yourself when you get back and he's being sweet. And please tell someone, they rely on people keeping their secrets. It allows them the lie that everything's fine with them and it's you who's at fault.

I remember watching the documentary about Chris Watts, the American murderer who killed his wife and two daughters.
On his eventual confession, he specifically said that he put his hands around his wife's neck. He held her there and he wanted stop, but he couldn't. He kept his hands there for several minutes until she was dead.
Then he killed his kids, despite never having laid a hand on them before.
There are men who do this.