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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He put his hands on my neck

100 replies

blupenguin · 27/08/2023 06:59

He didn’t squeeze and it didn’t last long, but this is a red flag isn’t it?

I won’t give too many details or history because I don’t think it matters.

We were arguing and he was angry and whilst his hands were there he said something like “do you want me
to” and I’m an idiot and said yeah do it and he stopped.

he only held his hands there but I’ve read previously that men who strangle are very dangerous and there are some statistics about how many of those go on to kill. He didn’t strangle me but I’m really worried that his instincts were to go there at all.

OP posts:
MrsSkylerWhite · 27/08/2023 14:29

blupenguin · Today 08:28
I hear what people are saying but their is no way I would cancel the holiday. I want to try and protect the kids from too much chaos. “

My dad started like your husband. Just a couple of years later, he was beating mum on a regular basis and raping her whilst my brother 4.2, and myself, under 3, were crying outside the door. Mum finally got us away 7/8 years later after he nearly killed her throwing her over a garden fence into a greenhouse. We were on the run, moving from relative to friend for months before he was finally arrested after finding my mum’s workplace and waiting for her outside where he gave her the final beating (on a busy, public street) and sent to prison and latterly a residential mental hospital, as they were called then.

your little children will get over the “chaos” of not going on holiday. I remember some of them, mum usually in sunglasses to hide the bruises. Not so much what may follow if you don’t get out now.

Do not enable this man, your kids need and deserve your protection.
Tell your family and his family, today, what he did. He needs to move out while you look into your options.

Alopeciabop · 27/08/2023 14:44

blupenguin · 27/08/2023 07:23

I know.
i’m a bit heartbroken.
Im holding out hope that he’s going to apologise and show some awareness and reassure me. But, im quite an anxious chaser and I worry I’m going to crave that and ask for that.
I need to really stay strong and focus inwards.

Show quote history

You know how we all sometimes have little arguments with our partners, bicker at each other, then say sorry….we’ll we still end up bickering again at some point don’t we? …sorry isn’t a preventative.

he’s escalating. He will do it again. He has no fear of repercussion or respect for you. He wouldn’t have done it in the first place otherwise.

MzHz · 27/08/2023 16:08

@blupenguin youre going to get rid of him right? So eventually you’ll be a single parent with your children.

so start today. Tell him he’s not coming on the holiday and do whatever you have to do to go without him.

you CAN manage.

Gamerlady · 27/08/2023 16:12

He needs to go today, there's no way I'd be going on holiday with him. He is dangerous and you need to get away from him, the next time you might not be as lucky . Think about the children

Trenchfootinthescottishhighlandstoday · 27/08/2023 16:19

Op if your future is as a single dm you will be managing dc alone a lot of the time. Surely a holiday will be fine also?

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 27/08/2023 16:44

Why can't you manage without him on holiday?

I bet you manage the kids on your own most of the time just fine.

You say you're going to get him to leave, well you'll be managing the kids on your own on holiday in future then

You're making excuses

You'll go on holiday and he will hopefully not kill you and you will muddle along

And next time he'll squeeze when he puts his hands in your neck

Oh he might not kill you that time either

Your kids might start witnessing it though

Then one day he will kill you and your children's mother will be dead and their father in prison.

Hopefully family will be able to take them so they don't end up in the care system

Stop making excuses

WallaceinAnderland · 27/08/2023 17:05

Takeitonthechin · 27/08/2023 14:23

If you think it's not a red flag, then why bother posting.

To me, it's a red flag, you should've called the police and get rid of him... but what did you say to him to make him do this ?

Nobody makes another person assault them FFS

He is the only one controlling his arms and hands. Stop victim blaming.

Takeitonthechin · 27/08/2023 17:33

@WallaceinAnderland

Victim blaming I'm not, I'm basically saying if this isn't a red flag, what is...

Original poster
blupenguin · 27/08/2023 18:37

I am reading. Just don’t want to be seen on here.

He sulked most of the morning. Family have visited, usually do on a Sunday. He’s been fine since then. My dads here.

Family could help me yes. I suppose I’m not ready to tell them what happened. I think I’m in shock a little bit.

I know what everyone is saying. He won’t hurt me unless I argue with him. I won’t argue with him. He provokes arguments sometimes but I think after last night he’s going to stay quiet. He presents himself perfectly to others and I think away from home he will put on his best show, as usual.

OP posts:
MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 27/08/2023 19:01

Wonder what your dad would say if he knew he had his hands on your throat during an argument?

Dotty87 · 27/08/2023 19:10

blupenguin · 27/08/2023 18:37

I am reading. Just don’t want to be seen on here.

He sulked most of the morning. Family have visited, usually do on a Sunday. He’s been fine since then. My dads here.

Family could help me yes. I suppose I’m not ready to tell them what happened. I think I’m in shock a little bit.

I know what everyone is saying. He won’t hurt me unless I argue with him. I won’t argue with him. He provokes arguments sometimes but I think after last night he’s going to stay quiet. He presents himself perfectly to others and I think away from home he will put on his best show, as usual.

I hear what you're saying, however please think about what he may do if anything outside of your control provokes him. Holidays can be stressful, busy motorways, delays, rushing around, flight delays, missed connections etc.
You may think you can control his behaviour, but as has already been said it's escalating and you can't keep managing the situation the same as before, it's changed.

DrMorbius · 27/08/2023 20:16

I know what everyone is saying. He won’t hurt me unless I argue with him.
Absolutely no one has said that. He will hurt you when he chose to.

category12 · 27/08/2023 20:33

https://www.thehotline.org/resources/the-dangers-of-strangulation/

Please take what he has done very very seriously.

He may not have applied pressure this time, but he's crossed a line, and it's easier to cross after the first time.

And it doesn't take much - he could easily kill you or give you brain damage without it being his immediate intention.

The Dangers of Strangulation

It's important to understand the dangers of strangulation, as it can cause healthy issues & be life-threatening.

https://www.thehotline.org/resources/the-dangers-of-strangulation

LightlySearedontheRealityGrill · 27/08/2023 20:41

Im sure you know how to subdue and placate him to make yourself safe for a while. Its not a long term strategy as no one can live like that, but you'll be able to do it while you put things in place to leave. Focus on the financial side, how to make that work as that is what is most difficult afterwards, where you will live etc. Gather what documents you need etc.

When you do decide to tell him, be sure to do in a safe environment, you might want to consider leaving with the children beforehand and doing it over the phone. Leaving is the most dangerous time for you, when you are most likely to see an escalation of this behaviour. I would see the police quietly when you get back, make them aware of the situation and get a personal contact, so they know to come quickly and that its serious if you call.

Original poster
blupenguin · 27/08/2023 20:52

Thank you all.

That link was particularly helpful @category12

I feel a bit a numb. Today has been a day of pretending. Just going through the motions.

we have been together a long time and it’s the first time I’ve been scared. I feel like I’m seeing him with fresh eyes today. I can’t see past it.

I’m not afraid of him because honestly I know him and us very well and if I play his game and get on with it, he will be very good to us all.

I’m afraid that I’ll forget. How bad this feels right now. I’m afraid that I’ll lose the awareness I currently have.

i only posted this morning because I usually chase a resolution. I feel uneasy around conflict. I knew that if I approached the subject he would make me feel like I was dramatising things.

The significance of his reaction was obvious to me straight away. I know it’s a red flag. I just wanted reassurance about that.

i plan to come back and make some
sort of a plan. Right now I don’t feel able to speak to anybody. I need some time alone.
I will speak to a close friend. One of my close friends has a lot going on for herself at the moment and I wouldn’t want to add to that. I don’t really have family that I feel I can speak to. I don’t know what I plan to do yet. I need time. I want him to leave and I need it to be calm and maybe I need somebody to help me with that but I will speak to somebody and I will figure it out.

I really appreciate the replies and people taking the time to share their thoughts. I wish some people could understand how hard this is. Maybe you do. But I just don’t feel that strong right now and the harsher comments don’t really help me
to feel strong. Almost make me question my own strength more.

OP posts:
suburbophobe · 27/08/2023 22:51

but what did you say to him to make him do this ?

You don't have a fucking clue, do you? Victim blaming as someone upthread said.

Just because a comment might rile someone up it does not give them an excuse to use violence. Op is probably already walking on eggshells.

So sorry you are going through this OP. Sending you lots of strength.

You owe it to yourself and your kids to get away from this toxic atmosphere.

It happened to me and I fled abroad, never to return. (No kids then, friends there who could give me shelter).

Nicole1111 · 27/08/2023 23:12

blupenguin · 27/08/2023 20:52

Thank you all.

That link was particularly helpful @category12

I feel a bit a numb. Today has been a day of pretending. Just going through the motions.

we have been together a long time and it’s the first time I’ve been scared. I feel like I’m seeing him with fresh eyes today. I can’t see past it.

I’m not afraid of him because honestly I know him and us very well and if I play his game and get on with it, he will be very good to us all.

I’m afraid that I’ll forget. How bad this feels right now. I’m afraid that I’ll lose the awareness I currently have.

i only posted this morning because I usually chase a resolution. I feel uneasy around conflict. I knew that if I approached the subject he would make me feel like I was dramatising things.

The significance of his reaction was obvious to me straight away. I know it’s a red flag. I just wanted reassurance about that.

i plan to come back and make some
sort of a plan. Right now I don’t feel able to speak to anybody. I need some time alone.
I will speak to a close friend. One of my close friends has a lot going on for herself at the moment and I wouldn’t want to add to that. I don’t really have family that I feel I can speak to. I don’t know what I plan to do yet. I need time. I want him to leave and I need it to be calm and maybe I need somebody to help me with that but I will speak to somebody and I will figure it out.

I really appreciate the replies and people taking the time to share their thoughts. I wish some people could understand how hard this is. Maybe you do. But I just don’t feel that strong right now and the harsher comments don’t really help me
to feel strong. Almost make me question my own strength more.

I’m sure there are plenty of people in here who can look at this situation in a very black and white way and tell you what they think you should do. Ultimately though they aren’t impacted by a trauma bond (you’ll find more information about this on google), they don’t have to worry about the implications of making such a big decision and how it will impact your children, and they likely have never worked with domestic abuse victims. If they had they would know that the risk increases when you end a relationship so the advice given is to be cautious and make a solid plan in regard to leaving, rather than just leaving without one. Moving forwards you’ve done the first step which is to talk to admit to someone what is really happening. I’d advise to now expand that to people in your day to day life and a domestic abuse professional, for instance women’s aid or a local domestic abuse charity. A professional will understand exactly all the conflicting emotions you are going through and can help you with your next steps.

NameChangeEmbarressed · 27/08/2023 23:13

Get away and get your children away. Also inform the police so it's there for evidence if you ever need it

Aquamarine1029 · 27/08/2023 23:19

I just can’t cancel the holiday.

Of course you can. This simply isn't true at all.

You are using horrible, horrible judgement right now. Your decision to not immediately call the police and leave him is beyond unfortunate, and it is absolutely not in the best interest of your kids.

keffie12 · 28/08/2023 00:01

blupenguin · 27/08/2023 07:23

I know.
i’m a bit heartbroken.
Im holding out hope that he’s going to apologise and show some awareness and reassure me. But, im quite an anxious chaser and I worry I’m going to crave that and ask for that.
I need to really stay strong and focus inwards.

Show quote history

2 women a week die because of their partner/husband. Do you want to risk being one of them?

If you have or had a daughter with him, do you want to risk her seeing that and thinking it's normal? Would you want your sons to think it's normal to treat a woman that way

When the children get older, do you want to risk him turning on one of them?

I witnessed it as a child in what they call "affluent abuse." I recreated it in adulthood.

My children were affected by what they saw. My dad turned on me in my teens. When the ex did it to our eldest, that was me gone with the children.

We built a new and happy life. My now adult youngsters are good, healthy, decent jobs and families of their own. By their choice, they don't see their dad. I have happily remarried.

You can build a new life, a good life. If he hasn't apologised straight away, he isn't going to. Even if he had, it doesn't make it right.

Don't wait for it to happen. Contact
Womens Aid. See the link below

www.womensaid.org.uk/

Weatherwax13 · 28/08/2023 00:28

It's so hard OP. I suggest you look up trauma bonding. I completely get your worries around disappointing your kids.
But think about this logically. Which will blight their childhood more: a cancelled holiday or a dead mum?
Please tell someone IRL. You know you need to talk to the police but it may help having someone support you while you make that call.
I really do understand how tough and frightening this is. I had a similar experience in my first marriage so I know it's terrifying to take that first step and report the assault. Tell your family then do it.

Mmhmmn · 28/08/2023 00:36

blupenguin · 27/08/2023 07:11

Married with kids.
not the first sign of anger but the first time he’s touched my neck in an argument. The look on his face was scary. He slept downstairs last night and hasn’t apologised or mentioned it. I feel a bit numb but very wary.

He needs to go. Or you need to go. Either way you need to get the hell away from him. That is NOT normal behaviour. It's really disturbing.

Mmhmmn · 28/08/2023 00:37

blupenguin · 27/08/2023 07:27

I know. I’m fully aware of the risk that he now poses. I just can’t help but feel shattered at what comes next.
We’re due to go away tomorrow for a week. I feel like I need to do that and stay quiet and avoid anything other than superficial conversation and then he needs to go. I can’t go away without him, I wouldn’t manage the children for a few reasons. And I don’t want to let them down and not go.
I just need to stay strong.

Do NOT go away with him OP.

SophiaElizabethGrace · 28/08/2023 01:45

The thing is, you've already forgotten what this feels like. He's done it previously and he'll do it again.

You can cancel your holiday.

Make plans to go to your family for a while instead. Your kids do not need a holiday - your kids certainly do not need a holiday where their mum is walking on eggshells and their dad is physically abusive. Your kids need a new start without their violent dad.

Go and stay with family. It's not easy but you do actually have options, it's simply unbelievably scary contemplating which option you take. Staying put and continuing this game with him is easier because it's familiar to you but it's also very destructive.

Codlingmoths · 28/08/2023 02:59

Sending you strength to make your plan op. Onwards and upwards.