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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Relationship v childrens happiness

84 replies

Jamiemcbr91 · 26/08/2023 02:19

Let me first start off saying I am 32 and I have 4 kids , 1 when I was 18 to my first boyfriend, 2 to my x partner and 1 to my current partner who I'm taking a break from.

I split from my x in 2016 due to falling out of love with him I was only 25, I had 3 kids I didn't feel happy and didn't want to stay in am unhappy relationship for my kids sake , he took on my 1st born when we got together when he was 4 weeks old and promised he would always be his child! Long story short when we split he took me to court for 6hrs a week access for his own 2 and left my other son who he promised to always love so I get it I do it's not nice and it was selfish of him.

A few months After we split I rekindled a relationship with my current partner who I had known from i was 16, he took on my 4 kids and everything was great , untill it wasn't we began to argue there was times we would physically fight and argue, then things got better but my oldest son has never got along with him and its became worse over time. I feel like he is always singled out, my bf always strips him of all his belongings my son says he feels like he's living in jail and he just can't do it anymore. My bf has a short temper when he asks one of my kids to do something he wants it done there and then or else, it's always his way or noway and I never feel like I have a say and if I don't back him up then I get it on the chin. I am always stuck In the middle between him and one of my 2 older boys fighting and shouting at eachother and its always over something stupid like them saying ill take the bins out after this game but it's never good enough for my Partner it needs to be done when he says so.

I'm such a laid back parent , my view is if I say dinners ready and they say I'm just finishing this game off give me 2 mins I say ok but make sure it's 2 mins I don't sweat the small stuff I'm a very positive happy person I never make a big deal out of something so small, as long as it gets done like I've asked (put ur washing away or clean ur room.

But when my partner asks its like a full war zone going on he doesn't communicate very well and his anger gets the better of him I should agree its no wonder my oldest son doesn't like him. I know kids need disaplined I'm not saying I don't agree but when I go to work I have them both texting me he's shouting in my face he's took my phone he's grabbed me by the arm he's done this . It's a very very draining relationship and not a very nice situation to be in.

We broke up last year over this situation nd after 3 weeks my partner promised me the world he told me he swore he would make a better effort to bond and he would think before he acts and he would spend more time blah blah all the usual stuff we all want to hear as girls. But it's just going in circles i went to work on Thursday and I got home to my sister on the phone shouting at my partner she has a very very short temper and isn't afraid to put anyone in their place because my son had gone to my mums stressed over my partner shouting at him and again stripping him of his belongings . My mum is the same kind of parent as me and her and my sister said my partner is nothing but a bully and he won't stop and never change untill my son finally cracks or harms himself he told his granny he didn't want to live here anymore.

I'm at my wits end , I have been thinking about this for a year now after we got back together but my partner hasn't changed his ways i just want him to love my kids the way I do I want to have family days but he never wants to take my oldest son , my partner is never happy unless it's just us 2 , I feel like one day he's in a good mood and the next I'm getting my face chewed off because one of the kids hasn't listened!

After the incident on Thursday I told him I think it's best if we take some space I need to make sure my kids especially my son is OK i don't want him to feel like he's living in jail i want my kids to know this house is their safe space and I'm here for them. I want them to live a happy life and I feel so bad for my partner but nothing is ever going to change.

It's draining me , I just feel like I've lost love for him over the last year , my home is not a happy home it's constant arguments and when we go out and argue over something silly tondo with one of the kids he publicly humiliates me and screams at me all over the pace for everyone to hear i feel like I need to put myself first I did it before I can do it again !!!

But why do i feel like I'm in the wrong and I see threads saying ur partner should always come before your kids.

I dont think the relationship is ever going to work I can't live in an unhappy home even if when we are good we're good but the arguing over my son will never stop and i don't want them to feel like I'm picking my partner over them I will always put my children and my happiness over some aragont grumpy selfish man who brings me and my kids down with negativity and toxic behaviour please say I'm doing the right thing ?

OP posts:
Coyoacan · 26/08/2023 03:57

I will always put my children and my happiness over some aragont grumpy selfish man who brings me and my kids down with negativity and toxic behaviour

I should bloody hope so.

Your poor son.

EverybodyLTB · 26/08/2023 04:08

I’ve never seen threads saying put a partner before your kids?! This is madness that you’re even questioning this - the man is a total fucking pig, how is this a choice between a pig of a man and your children? Please just move forward focusing on your kids, don’t go jumping into a new relationship, it’s not fair on them. They don’t need a stepdad or someone to take them on more than they need a mum who prioritises them.

Nothingbuttheglory · 26/08/2023 04:11

Your partner is physically and emotionally abusive. You need to protect your children from him. Hearing the arguments is deeply damaging to them. You need to contact Women's Aid, get advice on ending this safely. Then do the Freedom Programme.

HellonHeels · 26/08/2023 04:17

Your poor kids 😱

Do you not realise that this prick of a man's behaviour will impact your DS for life? How can you let him treat your boy like that? Get rid of him, parent and protect your kids and if you get into another relationship then keep the boyfriend away from your kids.

1FootInTheRave · 26/08/2023 04:36

You are a disgrace.

Put your kids first ffs.

Devilsmommy · 26/08/2023 04:41

Your kids should always come first. Your partner sounds like a world class twat. Leave him and maybe stay single and focus on your children for a while. Who needs a man like that in their life

Yiayoula · 26/08/2023 04:47

Listen to your sister !
Your children MUST be your Number 1 priority.

SunflowerTed · 26/08/2023 04:50

Can’t believe you even need to ask if you are doing the right thing? If you really love your kids stop moving abusive men into your home and use birth control

Totalwasteofpaper · 26/08/2023 04:53

EverybodyLTB · 26/08/2023 04:08

I’ve never seen threads saying put a partner before your kids?! This is madness that you’re even questioning this - the man is a total fucking pig, how is this a choice between a pig of a man and your children? Please just move forward focusing on your kids, don’t go jumping into a new relationship, it’s not fair on them. They don’t need a stepdad or someone to take them on more than they need a mum who prioritises them.

Yep. Your poor children.

Please just focus on them and stay away from abusive men.

AngelAurora · 26/08/2023 05:08

Jamiemcbr91 · 26/08/2023 02:19

Let me first start off saying I am 32 and I have 4 kids , 1 when I was 18 to my first boyfriend, 2 to my x partner and 1 to my current partner who I'm taking a break from.

I split from my x in 2016 due to falling out of love with him I was only 25, I had 3 kids I didn't feel happy and didn't want to stay in am unhappy relationship for my kids sake , he took on my 1st born when we got together when he was 4 weeks old and promised he would always be his child! Long story short when we split he took me to court for 6hrs a week access for his own 2 and left my other son who he promised to always love so I get it I do it's not nice and it was selfish of him.

A few months After we split I rekindled a relationship with my current partner who I had known from i was 16, he took on my 4 kids and everything was great , untill it wasn't we began to argue there was times we would physically fight and argue, then things got better but my oldest son has never got along with him and its became worse over time. I feel like he is always singled out, my bf always strips him of all his belongings my son says he feels like he's living in jail and he just can't do it anymore. My bf has a short temper when he asks one of my kids to do something he wants it done there and then or else, it's always his way or noway and I never feel like I have a say and if I don't back him up then I get it on the chin. I am always stuck In the middle between him and one of my 2 older boys fighting and shouting at eachother and its always over something stupid like them saying ill take the bins out after this game but it's never good enough for my Partner it needs to be done when he says so.

I'm such a laid back parent , my view is if I say dinners ready and they say I'm just finishing this game off give me 2 mins I say ok but make sure it's 2 mins I don't sweat the small stuff I'm a very positive happy person I never make a big deal out of something so small, as long as it gets done like I've asked (put ur washing away or clean ur room.

But when my partner asks its like a full war zone going on he doesn't communicate very well and his anger gets the better of him I should agree its no wonder my oldest son doesn't like him. I know kids need disaplined I'm not saying I don't agree but when I go to work I have them both texting me he's shouting in my face he's took my phone he's grabbed me by the arm he's done this . It's a very very draining relationship and not a very nice situation to be in.

We broke up last year over this situation nd after 3 weeks my partner promised me the world he told me he swore he would make a better effort to bond and he would think before he acts and he would spend more time blah blah all the usual stuff we all want to hear as girls. But it's just going in circles i went to work on Thursday and I got home to my sister on the phone shouting at my partner she has a very very short temper and isn't afraid to put anyone in their place because my son had gone to my mums stressed over my partner shouting at him and again stripping him of his belongings . My mum is the same kind of parent as me and her and my sister said my partner is nothing but a bully and he won't stop and never change untill my son finally cracks or harms himself he told his granny he didn't want to live here anymore.

I'm at my wits end , I have been thinking about this for a year now after we got back together but my partner hasn't changed his ways i just want him to love my kids the way I do I want to have family days but he never wants to take my oldest son , my partner is never happy unless it's just us 2 , I feel like one day he's in a good mood and the next I'm getting my face chewed off because one of the kids hasn't listened!

After the incident on Thursday I told him I think it's best if we take some space I need to make sure my kids especially my son is OK i don't want him to feel like he's living in jail i want my kids to know this house is their safe space and I'm here for them. I want them to live a happy life and I feel so bad for my partner but nothing is ever going to change.

It's draining me , I just feel like I've lost love for him over the last year , my home is not a happy home it's constant arguments and when we go out and argue over something silly tondo with one of the kids he publicly humiliates me and screams at me all over the pace for everyone to hear i feel like I need to put myself first I did it before I can do it again !!!

But why do i feel like I'm in the wrong and I see threads saying ur partner should always come before your kids.

I dont think the relationship is ever going to work I can't live in an unhappy home even if when we are good we're good but the arguing over my son will never stop and i don't want them to feel like I'm picking my partner over them I will always put my children and my happiness over some aragont grumpy selfish man who brings me and my kids down with negativity and toxic behaviour please say I'm doing the right thing ?

Put your kids first and dump the man bullying your child!

ZekeZeke · 26/08/2023 05:14

Get rid of that parasite, work on your self esteem because you clearly don't have any and stop having children.
You need a parenting course!

Magenta82 · 26/08/2023 05:21

Are the posts you have seen about putting your partner first on some kind of MRA website? I have never seen anything like that on mumsnet and can't believe you have either.

Your children come first. They need you to protect them. Stop bringing unsuitable men into their lives and look after their interests.

RantyAnty · 26/08/2023 05:30

Put this horribly cruel and abusive twat out this weekend.

And stay away from men.

TerfTalking · 26/08/2023 05:36

I’ve never seen a thread putting partners first, you’re imagining it.

seriously what is wrong with you. Get rid of him now.

pinkfondu · 26/08/2023 05:44

I can't see any reason why you would attempt to try and make this work.

Poivresel · 26/08/2023 05:46

Your oldest ds has been rejected by the only father he knew and now you've allowed him to be bullied by your current partner.
I think you need to remain single for a few years and provide a stable home life for your dc.

Iamclearlyamug · 26/08/2023 05:51

Poivresel · 26/08/2023 05:46

Your oldest ds has been rejected by the only father he knew and now you've allowed him to be bullied by your current partner.
I think you need to remain single for a few years and provide a stable home life for your dc.

This. Now is not the time to be in a relationship. Well, unless you don't mind the relationship with your kids going down the pan.

Listen to your parents and sister and tell that nasty abusive twat to get out TODAY.

And then have therapy. Lots and lots of therapy

JonjoMonjo21 · 26/08/2023 05:59

Wow… he strips your child of his belongings and screams at you and humiliates you…. And you feel bad for him. What about your poor children. Especially the eldest. I’m shocked

MsDogLady · 26/08/2023 06:08

@Jamiemcbr91, your oldest who was abandoned by your Ex is now being mercilessly bullied by this current scum. You will eventually lose your son. All of your children are being damaged beyond measure in this violent, chaotic home.

Taking your BF back was a terrible mistake — he manipulated you with lip service and fake promises. He has proven that he’ll never change.

It’s time to protect and prioritize your children asap. Dump this nasty piece of work and don’t be foolish enough to take him back again.

StressedToDeathhhh · 26/08/2023 06:14

He sounds disgusting, get him far far away from your poor kids. Have a look into some therapy or speak to Women's Aid, they're fantastic and will help you. You need a very different attitude and some support to change your mindset. Stay away from men from now on especially this one. Make it up to your kids - you still have time to fix this.

Anyone who says put your partner before your kids is insane and shouldn't have kids.

Susieb2023 · 26/08/2023 06:15

You need to get rid of this nasty piece of work.

Then you need to stop getting into damaging relationships and put your children first. The damage will already be there so I suggest you stop focusing on keeping a man and start focusing on showing your children that you are prioritising them and can be single with their well-being at the centre of all you do!

Persipan · 26/08/2023 06:26

Bin off the man and then be single for a good long time (for clarity, I'm measuring time in years here, not just a few weeks or months). And at such time as you do embark on another relationship, take introductions to your kids very, very slowly too.

Hibiscrubbed · 26/08/2023 06:34

i don't want them to feel like I'm picking my partner over them I will always put my children and my happiness over some aragont grumpy selfish man who brings me and my kids down with negativity and toxic behaviour please say I'm doing the right thing ?

Are you serious? You’ve put this abusive and hideous man before them repeatedly. It’s time to stop.

TheaBrandt · 26/08/2023 06:39

Poor kids. Succession of men in their lives.

WandaWonder · 26/08/2023 06:43

you know you need to start putting your kids first

I hope someone in their lives are

I really find it hard to believe you need to be told this