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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Relationship v childrens happiness

84 replies

Jamiemcbr91 · 26/08/2023 02:19

Let me first start off saying I am 32 and I have 4 kids , 1 when I was 18 to my first boyfriend, 2 to my x partner and 1 to my current partner who I'm taking a break from.

I split from my x in 2016 due to falling out of love with him I was only 25, I had 3 kids I didn't feel happy and didn't want to stay in am unhappy relationship for my kids sake , he took on my 1st born when we got together when he was 4 weeks old and promised he would always be his child! Long story short when we split he took me to court for 6hrs a week access for his own 2 and left my other son who he promised to always love so I get it I do it's not nice and it was selfish of him.

A few months After we split I rekindled a relationship with my current partner who I had known from i was 16, he took on my 4 kids and everything was great , untill it wasn't we began to argue there was times we would physically fight and argue, then things got better but my oldest son has never got along with him and its became worse over time. I feel like he is always singled out, my bf always strips him of all his belongings my son says he feels like he's living in jail and he just can't do it anymore. My bf has a short temper when he asks one of my kids to do something he wants it done there and then or else, it's always his way or noway and I never feel like I have a say and if I don't back him up then I get it on the chin. I am always stuck In the middle between him and one of my 2 older boys fighting and shouting at eachother and its always over something stupid like them saying ill take the bins out after this game but it's never good enough for my Partner it needs to be done when he says so.

I'm such a laid back parent , my view is if I say dinners ready and they say I'm just finishing this game off give me 2 mins I say ok but make sure it's 2 mins I don't sweat the small stuff I'm a very positive happy person I never make a big deal out of something so small, as long as it gets done like I've asked (put ur washing away or clean ur room.

But when my partner asks its like a full war zone going on he doesn't communicate very well and his anger gets the better of him I should agree its no wonder my oldest son doesn't like him. I know kids need disaplined I'm not saying I don't agree but when I go to work I have them both texting me he's shouting in my face he's took my phone he's grabbed me by the arm he's done this . It's a very very draining relationship and not a very nice situation to be in.

We broke up last year over this situation nd after 3 weeks my partner promised me the world he told me he swore he would make a better effort to bond and he would think before he acts and he would spend more time blah blah all the usual stuff we all want to hear as girls. But it's just going in circles i went to work on Thursday and I got home to my sister on the phone shouting at my partner she has a very very short temper and isn't afraid to put anyone in their place because my son had gone to my mums stressed over my partner shouting at him and again stripping him of his belongings . My mum is the same kind of parent as me and her and my sister said my partner is nothing but a bully and he won't stop and never change untill my son finally cracks or harms himself he told his granny he didn't want to live here anymore.

I'm at my wits end , I have been thinking about this for a year now after we got back together but my partner hasn't changed his ways i just want him to love my kids the way I do I want to have family days but he never wants to take my oldest son , my partner is never happy unless it's just us 2 , I feel like one day he's in a good mood and the next I'm getting my face chewed off because one of the kids hasn't listened!

After the incident on Thursday I told him I think it's best if we take some space I need to make sure my kids especially my son is OK i don't want him to feel like he's living in jail i want my kids to know this house is their safe space and I'm here for them. I want them to live a happy life and I feel so bad for my partner but nothing is ever going to change.

It's draining me , I just feel like I've lost love for him over the last year , my home is not a happy home it's constant arguments and when we go out and argue over something silly tondo with one of the kids he publicly humiliates me and screams at me all over the pace for everyone to hear i feel like I need to put myself first I did it before I can do it again !!!

But why do i feel like I'm in the wrong and I see threads saying ur partner should always come before your kids.

I dont think the relationship is ever going to work I can't live in an unhappy home even if when we are good we're good but the arguing over my son will never stop and i don't want them to feel like I'm picking my partner over them I will always put my children and my happiness over some aragont grumpy selfish man who brings me and my kids down with negativity and toxic behaviour please say I'm doing the right thing ?

OP posts:

TheaBrandt · 26/08/2023 06:46

Concerning you even need to ask.

MintJulia · 26/08/2023 06:58

My child always comes first in such situations. He isn't spoilt but my house is his home and he must feel safe and secure here.

Get rid of your bully of a partner and don't have him back until all your children have last home and are happily settled. He is nothing more than an overbearing thug.

NorwayLass · 26/08/2023 07:18

your poor kids, living under ann emotionally and physical abusive man and mum failing to the rational thing and end the relationship.

WhatNoRaisins · 26/08/2023 07:23

OP this isn't normal. Agree with PP that you need to spend some significant time single and do some real work on yourself. Your children need a break from your relationships, are you on good contraception because the last thing this situation needs is more children.

Do you think you are chasing the ideal of a happy family with these relationships? What was your own upbringing like. You don't sound like a bad person but like some really dysfunctional behaviour has been normalised for you.

Hiddenvoice · 26/08/2023 07:25

Your children should always come first.
This man sounds like a bully and I can’t see any reason why you would want to make this relationship work.

Listen to your son, he feels he’s living in a jail. He’s so unhappy in his own home. This feeling of his will only get worse. Put him, and your other children first. They can have a happy home without this man in it. You’re not happy either, he’s abusive and not caring so I would be ending it quickly.

YoSof · 26/08/2023 07:27

Your children are growing up in an abusive and toxic household.

Your poor son is being bullied in his own home.

If you get back with this man, you’re a terrible parent. Make the right choice for your kids.

Beamur · 26/08/2023 07:30

Your partner sounds awful.
You won't get many people arguing that you should put his needs ahead of your kids!

Ngmi · 26/08/2023 07:32

Jesus I’m sorry, you sound like a kind person but this is one of the most delusional posts I’ve ever seen on mn. You are letting your child be abused and yourself and you think you should put him first. Get some therapy and stay single for a long time while you work on your priorities. Where would you read you should put a partner before kids? Your son needs an apology from you too.

Heyhoherewegoagain · 26/08/2023 07:34

Persipan · 26/08/2023 06:26

Bin off the man and then be single for a good long time (for clarity, I'm measuring time in years here, not just a few weeks or months). And at such time as you do embark on another relationship, take introductions to your kids very, very slowly too.

And stop having children

Thelonelygiraffe · 26/08/2023 07:42

Ngmi · 26/08/2023 07:32

This!

Every thread on here says to put the dc first.

Stop jumping from man to man and putting up with shit behaviour. Think about your dc.

moggiek · 26/08/2023 07:43

You should be ashamed of yourself.

Olika · 26/08/2023 07:45

Put your children and yourself first. This man is abusive and you shouldn't be with him in the first place.

supersonicginandtonic · 26/08/2023 07:49

Please please stop! Leave this relationship.
Do the freedom programme.
Do a parenting course.
And for goodness sake put the children you already have first.
No more kids and no more relationships, focus on your children.

newbeginnings20 · 26/08/2023 07:50

How old are all the children?

Is the youngest your partners?

newbeginnings20 · 26/08/2023 07:52

You say you had a child to your current partner and then said he took on all 4 kids so I'm a bit confused.

Ansjovis · 26/08/2023 07:56

I am really hoping that this post isn't for real as if it is then you need to get yourself into therapy ASAP. You've written all of that and then you need to ask strangers on the internet whether you're doing the right thing staying away from this guy?! Absolutely unbelievable. Try reading your post back but imagining someone else wrote it, see how you feel then.

You need to realise that you are not blameless here. By not safeguarding them at the first sign of abuse, you are complicit. If you care at all about having a relationship with your children as adults (I no longer speak to my mother and my situation was similar but nowhere near as bad) then you need to stop that now, step up and safeguard them.

Azandme · 26/08/2023 07:57

" I will always put my children and my happiness over some aragont grumpy selfish man who brings me and my kids down with negativity and toxic behaviour please say I'm doing the right thing ?"

Except you absolutely have not.

Anyone who treated my child like that just once would be kicked out so hard and fast they'd hit the stratosphere.

You are allowing this man to abuse your children, and you, in your own home.

He will not change.

Toddlerteaplease · 26/08/2023 07:57

Your poor kids, having a revolving door of awful men in their lives.

UndercoverCop · 26/08/2023 08:02

If any man, including DH who is DS' father, ever grabbed DS and shouted in his face they'd be out of the door immediately. You are allowing this man to repeatedly abuse your children. Social services would call this failure to protect. Honestly if your mum is willing to take your poor son let him go. He can't trust you.

Anothershitusername · 26/08/2023 08:06

What does stripping them of their belongings mean …how does he do that

Singleandproud · 26/08/2023 08:06

Children always come first, you brought them into this world its your responsibility to give them a safe and stable home until they are 18 and have the ability and choice to move out and forge their own lives.

Your children have had significant turmoil and it's going to require a lot of patience and attention to rebuild their self esteem after being bullied in their own home.

Stop dating now, you don't need a man to be complete and you don't need to add any more children into this mix. Focus on your children and bettering your life circumnstances plowing time and effort into retraining, learning to drive or whatever other skills will make your life better in the long run. Enjoy your children and once they are all older and ready to move on it sounds like you might still be young enough to have another if you want one.

AgnesX · 26/08/2023 08:08

I've never seen a thread where the poster has been in this sort of situation that the advice had been to prioritise the partner. Invariably it's kick the partner into touch.

This is what you need to do. Focus on your kids.

ConnieTucker · 26/08/2023 08:12

But why do i feel like I'm in the wrong and I see threads saying ur partner should always come before your kids
thats an absolute lie. There is no way you have ever seen a woman being told to put her abusive bully of a boyfriend above her children on mumsnet. That simply would never happen.

stop trying to find men to love your children. They wont. Theyre not their children. Protect your children and stop inviting men into their lives.

end the relationship and focus on your children and career.

perfectcolourfound · 26/08/2023 08:13

This is one of those occasions when I knew what my answer would be just by looking at the title.

Because your children are more important than your relationship.

(And especially when the relationship is with an abusive bully who makes your children miserable).

Tangelablue · 26/08/2023 08:14

Can your children move in with family while you decide if you want to continue the relationship. You have allowed them to be exposed to and victims of abuse. Contact your local domestic abuse service so they can educate you on the impact on children. I can't believe you have exposed your children to this for so long.

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