Relationship v childrens happiness

[Jamiemcbr91]

Let me first start off saying I am 32 and I have 4 kids , 1 when I was 18 to my first boyfriend, 2 to my x partner and 1 to my current partner who I'm taking a break from.

I split from my x in 2016 due to falling out of love with him I was only 25, I had 3 kids I didn't feel happy and didn't want to stay in am unhappy relationship for my kids sake , he took on my 1st born when we got together when he was 4 weeks old and promised he would always be his child! Long story short when we split he took me to court for 6hrs a week access for his own 2 and left my other son who he promised to always love so I get it I do it's not nice and it was selfish of him.

A few months After we split I rekindled a relationship with my current partner who I had known from i was 16, he took on my 4 kids and everything was great , untill it wasn't we began to argue there was times we would physically fight and argue, then things got better but my oldest son has never got along with him and its became worse over time. I feel like he is always singled out, my bf always strips him of all his belongings my son says he feels like he's living in jail and he just can't do it anymore. My bf has a short temper when he asks one of my kids to do something he wants it done there and then or else, it's always his way or noway and I never feel like I have a say and if I don't back him up then I get it on the chin. I am always stuck In the middle between him and one of my 2 older boys fighting and shouting at eachother and its always over something stupid like them saying ill take the bins out after this game but it's never good enough for my Partner it needs to be done when he says so.

I'm such a laid back parent , my view is if I say dinners ready and they say I'm just finishing this game off give me 2 mins I say ok but make sure it's 2 mins I don't sweat the small stuff I'm a very positive happy person I never make a big deal out of something so small, as long as it gets done like I've asked (put ur washing away or clean ur room.

But when my partner asks its like a full war zone going on he doesn't communicate very well and his anger gets the better of him I should agree its no wonder my oldest son doesn't like him. I know kids need disaplined I'm not saying I don't agree but when I go to work I have them both texting me he's shouting in my face he's took my phone he's grabbed me by the arm he's done this . It's a very very draining relationship and not a very nice situation to be in.

We broke up last year over this situation nd after 3 weeks my partner promised me the world he told me he swore he would make a better effort to bond and he would think before he acts and he would spend more time blah blah all the usual stuff we all want to hear as girls. But it's just going in circles i went to work on Thursday and I got home to my sister on the phone shouting at my partner she has a very very short temper and isn't afraid to put anyone in their place because my son had gone to my mums stressed over my partner shouting at him and again stripping him of his belongings . My mum is the same kind of parent as me and her and my sister said my partner is nothing but a bully and he won't stop and never change untill my son finally cracks or harms himself he told his granny he didn't want to live here anymore.

I'm at my wits end , I have been thinking about this for a year now after we got back together but my partner hasn't changed his ways i just want him to love my kids the way I do I want to have family days but he never wants to take my oldest son , my partner is never happy unless it's just us 2 , I feel like one day he's in a good mood and the next I'm getting my face chewed off because one of the kids hasn't listened!

After the incident on Thursday I told him I think it's best if we take some space I need to make sure my kids especially my son is OK i don't want him to feel like he's living in jail i want my kids to know this house is their safe space and I'm here for them. I want them to live a happy life and I feel so bad for my partner but nothing is ever going to change.

It's draining me , I just feel like I've lost love for him over the last year , my home is not a happy home it's constant arguments and when we go out and argue over something silly tondo with one of the kids he publicly humiliates me and screams at me all over the pace for everyone to hear i feel like I need to put myself first I did it before I can do it again !!!

But why do i feel like I'm in the wrong and I see threads saying ur partner should always come before your kids.

I dont think the relationship is ever going to work I can't live in an unhappy home even if when we are good we're good but the arguing over my son will never stop and i don't want them to feel like I'm picking my partner over them I will always put my children and my happiness over some aragont grumpy selfish man who brings me and my kids down with negativity and toxic behaviour please say I'm doing the right thing ?

Get rid

Try being single for a couple years.

Poor kids have seen a lot of men come snd go

Poor parenting has so much to answer for

Stop having children with a variety of abusive men and get the current dickhead out of your kids lives..now. they will end up so emotionally damaged through the choices you're making

Do you have a social worker OP? Or someone who can support you and your children make the right decisions for the future?

Pull yourself together and put your kids first. You'll be wondering where they are when they are older and don't want to be around you.

Very good advice. Sadly some women just aren’t capable of this. They have to be in a relationship, never mind the effect on the kids.

I think you sound like a good mum and you know in your heart what the right answer is - get rid of your bf and focus on your children.

They need you in a way that a grown man cannot and the love & support has to come from you. You’re irreplaceable to them and it has to be now as you won’t get these years back. Especially your oldest son - he sounds like he deserves to be made to feel like he’s your first priority and smothered with love. How old is he?

I think you would be happier and more at peace too as just now you’re experiencing conflict.

"We broke up last year over this situation nd after 3 weeks my partner promised me the world he told me he swore he would make a better effort to bond and he would think before he acts and he would spend more time blah blah all the usual stuff we all want to hear as girls."

That is one of the most patronising things I've heard in a long time. Most of us "girls" would put our children's happiness, safety and security first, not appease a violent bully at their expense

Have you looked up the Freedom Programme as it sounds like you would benefit from it

Stay single for a few years and focus on your kids. It’s not too late to get it right. You seem to want to improve things, which is the first step.

If you can’t resist chasing cock, keep it away from your kids and use birth control.

What are you doing with this guy? Please end this and don’t let him step over your doorstep ever again. Sorry but that’s just hideous reading that. He’s got no place to strip your child of his stuff, effectively bullying him and singling him out. You’re his mother and your place is to protect your kids.

I have never seen a thread suggesting any woman puts a man before her kids. I have seen a lot telling women to get a grip and put their kids first.

You need to stay single, your kids (especially your oldest) are going to be suffering from the instability you are inflicting on them. I’m going to be blunt, stop having kids, stop dating, start focusing on your kids and fixing the damage.

Yes that bit confused me too, OP did definantly say she has a child with her current partner (well the one she has told they need to have a break)
If that was said because of fear etc I can understand that, but otherwise I wouldn't be wording it like that, that indicates I will take you back 🤦‍♀️

OP you've already learnt who he is initially within your relationship, you then broke up and not your fault in a way for falling for his bs, that all would be good/things would change, this is what abusive men do, it never lasts or even happens, and even if it was possible that it could, I could never forget what they did to me and any DC.

Sadly in older generations yes you were told to stick with your husband pretty much no matter what, and it seems some learnt your husband comes first.
In one row with my DM about my father she said 'what do you want me to do, kick my husband out' not sure if 'for you' was also in that sentence or not, so i don't want to definantly say it was.

Well yes he was abusing us his children and my mother too, but as she was clearly stuck and not willing to do something, then her choice was everyone else's too.

Even now she still excuses/minimises him and his behaviour.

Put your kids first. You say you do, but you haven’t, repeatedly.

Kick this man out, and stay single for a good long time, while you reevaluate your approach to relationships. No man is worth enduring abuse for. No child should ever be expected to endure abuse. Focus on your kids and helping them come recover from being, through no choice of their own, in this shit situation.

You've been in relationships constantly since you were a teenager. Get rid of him and stay single until your kids are grown up. Work on yourself. Work on your relationship with them. It will be the best thing you ever do. You don't have to have a man!

You do not need a man to “take on” your children. Your DS probably hates coming home to this bully, especially when he has him by the arm, jeez.

Concentrate on your children, attempt to rebuild a relationship with your firstborn and kick the scummy man out of yours and children’s lives. Get a grip woman.

There was a thread recently where everyone told OP to run away from a bloke with 5 kids by 4 women.

I know it's not the same, but why no one is addressing the elephant in the room here? OP you're 32 with 4 kids by 3 men. There's something wrong here. Stop dating, buy a vibrator, go to therapy.

Find out why you think you need a men, look at what you learned about relationships when you were growing up.

Next time you get a 'partner' please remember you don't have to have a child with them. Because let's face it, when this one is gone you will be on the hunt to find another to 'take on' your existing 4 children.

Also you don't need to move them into your home.

Op everyone is using harsh words but I agree that this partner needs to move out. Please call women's aid for advise around this is you think he'll be abusive or difficult about this.

Apologies to your son to for letting it go on as long as it has but reassure him that you love him and you don't woman anyone treating him like that and that's why you've asked the partner to leave. That will send a good message to him.

I agree re social worker , if you haven't got one you can self refer to your local authority early help service and see what help they can give you managing this situation as it sounds really hard for all of you but there is lots of help out there

I haven't read past the title and can't even believe this is even a question, let alone the essay that followed. Kids first of course.

I'm not sure what world lots of posters hear live in but if you honestly think this family would qualify for support and or intervention from a social worker you need to get real.

Social services and child protection support is absolutely on its knees having been stripped to the bare bones by years and years of underfunding.
Families like this might have benefited in years gone by from support at children's centres, parenting classes etc but now they have no chance at all.

OP you haven't suggested a single reason what is positive about remaining with this man other than possibly avoiding the judgement of society for being a single mum of 4 kids with 3 men.
I'm sorry to say it but as the people in this thread have already demonstrated- you are already judged- get him out of your home.

I see threads saying ur partner should always come before your kids.

You’re reading a different MN to me. I see the absolute opposite: children come first.

You’re young and you need to get rid of this bloke, and do not get into another relationship until your self-esteem is much much higher.

I know it was definitely the case especially when women had even fewer rights that they do now. I didn't appreciate that the mind set is still a thing.

I'm so sorry about your mother's defence of your father. If you can forgive that you're a very strong person.

Also you don't need to move them into your home.

Op everyone is using harsh words but I agree that this partner needs to move out. Please call women's aid for advise around this is you think he'll be abusive or difficult about this.

Apologies to your son to for letting it go on as long as it has but reassure him that you love him and you don't woman anyone treating him like that and that's why you've asked the partner to leave. That will send a good message to him.

I agree re social worker , if you haven't got one you can self refer to your local authority early help service and see what help they can give you managing this situation as it sounds really hard for all of you but there is lots of help out there

These are strong words but I agree with them. For Gods sake get rid of this vile man.