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Original poster

Boyfriend on holiday without me

108 replies

Wobbawobball · 25/08/2023 11:17

Both in our 30s. Dating/together since February.

Boyfriend is on holiday with a group of friends. I don't necessarily have an issue with this, but am a) sad he didn't invite me as it is mostly couples b) the main issue in our relationship is his lack of time for me, he has a v.busy job and family/friends life. We've had one or 2 full weekends together but no plans for holidays etc and it's sad he's taken 8 days with friends when I rarely get more than once a week with him.

He is on day 3. Has been barely texting, called me this morning and I wanted to be really positive and happy but couldnt do it and told him I was feeling a bit down about not being able to have this time with him. Just feeling really jealous as I would have loved a holiday. He ended the conversation after 5 mins and he didn't want my negativity.

We have had a rocky last few months where he had a freak out about commitment (he's never had a long term GF). His freak out included him saying he's not 100% sure he sees a long term future with me, so we scaled things back a bit so he had more space and since then things have been really fun and building back to what they were, but underneath I have been really anxious. Now this trip has come up.

I am so torn. On one hand, I really want to be with someone who wants to make time for me. Then I think about how awful online dating was and when we do have time together we are so in love. I wonder if I have unrealistic expectations after years in a terrible long term relationship that someone wants to sweep me off my feet and jump in to commitment quickly. Maybe this is the reality that dating in your 30s people have established lives and it's harder to fit in to each others than it was dating in my 20s?

I don't know if I'm just being anxious and ruining things by being sad about this holiday or if I have a genuine point about his lack of prioritizing his time with me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Wobbawobball · 25/08/2023 12:52

ClawedButler · 25/08/2023 12:34

You're breaking yourself to try to be what you think he wants.

Your gut is already telling you this is wrong for you. You're anxious, insecure, unhappy and unsettled. This is your inner voice telling you that something is wrong.

I think in these situations it's very easy to mistake strength of feelings for depth of feelings. You feel very strongly about him because those feelings are fuelled by the anxiety and the to-ing-and-froing - the drama creates the strength of the feeling, not his inherent qualities of lovableness.

I suspect you are also infatuated with a version of him that only really exists in your head - what you don't know about him you have filled in with fantasy, making him into the perfect man for you. But he isn't really. He's never had a proper gf, he doesn't have time for you, and he doesn't care about your feelings (you're in pain, and he's irritated rather than concerned).

Put this one back, my lovely. You deserve better than the crumbs of this man's affection.

Thank you, I really appreciate the kindness xx

OP posts:
IHateFlies · 25/08/2023 12:52

It's fine that he went away with friends but it's just brought up how flawed the relationship actually is.

After 6 months, you should feel loved up/besotted/thinking of a possible future and so on but you're thinking the opposite.

This one doesn't sound like it's going to go anywhere.

Wait til he's back from holiday and say you feel like you both want different things from a relationship so adieu.

WandaWonder · 25/08/2023 12:54

Valerie23 · 25/08/2023 11:21

He's in holiday. He doesn't need to be texting you constantly.

He's with his friends and you've only been together since February.

You are going to push him away by being so needy and full on.

All of this

Freetodowhatiwant · 25/08/2023 12:56

ClawedButler · 25/08/2023 12:34

You're breaking yourself to try to be what you think he wants.

Your gut is already telling you this is wrong for you. You're anxious, insecure, unhappy and unsettled. This is your inner voice telling you that something is wrong.

I think in these situations it's very easy to mistake strength of feelings for depth of feelings. You feel very strongly about him because those feelings are fuelled by the anxiety and the to-ing-and-froing - the drama creates the strength of the feeling, not his inherent qualities of lovableness.

I suspect you are also infatuated with a version of him that only really exists in your head - what you don't know about him you have filled in with fantasy, making him into the perfect man for you. But he isn't really. He's never had a proper gf, he doesn't have time for you, and he doesn't care about your feelings (you're in pain, and he's irritated rather than concerned).

Put this one back, my lovely. You deserve better than the crumbs of this man's affection.

This is so perfectly put I have screenshot it to refer to myself!

Redruby2020 · 25/08/2023 12:59

Agree with others, you have only been together since February, so it's still quite new. But most either through conversations or what they pick up on from the other, know what one another's intentions are, and where things might be heading.
It's the fact you said 'rocky few months' that shouldn't be happening in a new relationship, I can say that myself because I've had similar experiences and knew it wasn't right.

It's fine one compromising for the other, but at what cost, then you are putting yourself and your needs and wants at the bottom of the list, which isn't right really.

You can carry on and enjoy it for what it is, and that's it really, you've already shown him you wanted more, and he doesn't or isn't sure, sometimes it can be too soon for someone, but sometimes they just don't want that with you or with anyone at that time, or even in the future.
Things have changed a lot which I have seen for myself since separating from my long term partner 3 years ago.

I have had to cut someone off recently, who despite having his reasons for wanting things to be the way he did, I found a lot of it as excuses, says a lot about him not for me to take it all personally. But as you are the person they are seeing naturally it doesn't make you feel good.
He i could see wasn't going to see me out of the house, and where I am not willing to bring men home because of my DC, until it ever becomes serious.
I was going to his, now if we had stuck to things regularly that would be about once a week, because I couldn't during the week of course, and weekends is my free time.

Weekends were looking like he was working yes sometimes, but also that being his time off, obviously wanting to do other things, plus because he shares with his DB, that of course meant he didn't always have a free place.
So after one weekend just texting in the morning, on the Saturday okay I could have text too, later on, but thought well I was the last to text. Did not hear from him again until Monday morning, i thought no, sorry he has no intention of making an effort and despite people saying the woman can suggest/plan things, yes but, with most men I have come across if they don't ask to see you etc, they are not that bothered.
So i just didn't reply and have left it like that, and not heard from him either. He is probably relieved lol.

CantGetDecentNickname · 25/08/2023 13:03

OhComeOnFFS · 25/08/2023 12:42

Don't give him this power over you. You've been with him for six months or so - he's gone on holiday with other people, including randomers, when you would happily have gone with him. He's not that bothered and isn't afraid to show it. I'm really sorry but you deserve so much better.

I agree with this.

For your own comment from the OP "I would have loved a holiday", please have one! Find someone (friend, relative) and go with them or arrange something for yourself, even if it is just house sitting for a relative. Do be uncontactable and take some time just for you.

Don't bother to respond to him for the rest of his holiday or if you do, just a short text saying something placating such as "that sounds nice" and just text or speak to him when he gets back to say that a half-arsed relationship isn't working for you, he doesn't appear to care for you and you deserve someone who does.

Tangledbaby · 25/08/2023 13:09

I feel you! It’s so disheartening isn’t it. Coming home from a date on cloud 9 only to then be treated like an acquaintance until you physically see them again!

Such a mind fuck.

My ex too was very intelligent and funny and if he’d have only properly committed to me I’d have given him anything. It’s why it’s so hard to walk away as they men like that are so damn hard to find.
Which now i know what I know I’m like thank fuck they’re hard to find 😂😂 wouldn’t want to repeat that cycling of oxytocin followed by being an anxious wreck until we next meet.

You know it won’t progress but you’re hanging on for those ‘cloud 9’ days where you can genuinely believe it might go somewhere. But it won’t. You’re just prolonging the inevitable and wasting your time.

It’s like ripping off a plaster. Use this time he’s away to emotionally detach. Break up in your mind. Then when he’s back do it for real. You know he won’t come chasing and begging for you back even though that’s what you want. It won’t happen.

You’ll be surprised d by how quickly you get over it. A few days of waiting for them to call/text begging for you back (they won’t), followed by accepting you’ll never see them again, followed by RELIEF!!

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 25/08/2023 13:12

You need to get very clear on what you want and need and expect from a relationship. There is no right and wrong here- some pp claim they'd be fine with little contact from DP on holiday without them- you're not (I wouldn't be either and that's ok).

Tell him what you expect- ask if he's on board or not. If he's not then tell him you have loved getting to know him but bye

ScottishIceCream · 25/08/2023 13:18

As others have said, it's not the holiday that's the problem, it's the fact that in a six month relationship you've had "a rocky few months".

You're not compatible so time to put this one back.

IHateFlies · 25/08/2023 13:26

For your own comment from the OP "I would have loved a holiday", please have one! Find someone (friend, relative) and go with them or arrange something for yourself, even if it is just house sitting for a relative. Do be uncontactable and take some time just for you.

Yes to this. Go and book somewhere to go. Even if it's a weekend. Find a friend or family member, go with a group, go by yourself.

jolaylasofia · 25/08/2023 13:29

you have only been together 5 minutes. He just doesn't see you that serious yet and that is really normal. It's too early. just chill out abit and scale the neediness back.

WantingToEducate · 25/08/2023 13:33

Dump!

You shouldn’t have already been having a “rocky few months” when you’ve only been seeing each other for 6 months.

And in relation to what some posters have said about how you shouldn’t expect to be on holidays with him as it’s only been 6 months etc, I don’t agree with this. When two people are really into each other then ‘how long they’ve been together’ doesn’t mean anything as more often than not they just want to spend all their time together whether they’ve been together a week, 2 months or 6 months. Loads of posters have spoken of the loved-up, besotted, honey-moon period and I totally agree….that’s what stage you should be in and not the situation you are.

When I met my now DH (we were 27/28ish) we’d only been together for 4 months before we moved in together and prior to that we’d spend nearly all our time together and on days we weren’t together we’d phone each other at least once a day and text throughout the day too purely because we just wanted to be together that much.

DH is actually on holiday now with two of his mates and he still FaceTimes me about 3 times a day just to see me and talk to me etc and whether you’ve been together for 4 weeks, 6 months or 13 years (me and DH) being in close contact with each other is generally something that you naturally just want to do.

I think you need to let this one go OP - I think you are far more invested than he is. And like a previous poster said, if you can’t even get a text message or a happy phone call out of him do you really think you’ll ever get marriage and children out of him?

rookiemere · 25/08/2023 13:34

jolaylasofia · 25/08/2023 13:29

you have only been together 5 minutes. He just doesn't see you that serious yet and that is really normal. It's too early. just chill out abit and scale the neediness back.

That's fine if you're not looking to have DCs.

OP is in her 30s and wants a serious relationship. Chilling out could leave her 5 years down the line no further forward.

LoveThisUsername · 25/08/2023 13:34

Just text him now.
Say you don't see this going anywhere. Fundamentally, you aren't suited and it's best if you part ways. You wish him all the best for the future.

Then block everywhere. And do not unblock!

Acornsoup · 25/08/2023 13:40

Excellent advice @ClawedButler Flowers

Cosmosforbreakfast · 25/08/2023 13:40

6 months in, you should still be in the honeymoon period not having a rocky relationship so it sounds as if you aren't really compatible anyway. If he's a commitmentphobe there's no point continuing the relationship, he could string you along for years. Don't bother texting him while he's still on holiday. You can let him know when he gets back the relationship is not working for you and move on.

WeirdBarbie · 25/08/2023 13:52

turtle8919 · 25/08/2023 11:24

This is going to sound blunt.... but he's not that into you! Sounds like he hardly makes time for you, your into your 30's really ideally Youl probably looking to settle down and it doesn't sound like he is. Ditch him and move onto someone who will give you what you are looking for x

I mean, all of this.

Sorry OP.

BUT please remember 6 months in is literally the absolute best it will ever be, so if it's already been rocky, you can do better. It's not going to work.

WeirdBarbie · 25/08/2023 13:53

But also, if the relationship were in good shape, a holiday apart at only 6 months in is not weird at all.

Helpmepleaseimbusy · 25/08/2023 14:00

Valerie23 · 25/08/2023 11:21

He's in holiday. He doesn't need to be texting you constantly.

He's with his friends and you've only been together since February.

You are going to push him away by being so needy and full on.

OP never said he needed to be texting constantly.

Lots of relationships move quickly and to be honest going on holiday or being invited isn't that soon after 6 months.

I don't think expressing how you feel is needy. I think in a couple you should be able to say if you feel down or bad.

My partner always rings and texts when we aren't together.

I think you're being very bitchy when the OP is clearly feeling low about this situation.

That said OP I think it may be time to let this go as its clearly upsetting you and your BF is struggling with commitment. You deserve to be with someone who really likes you and is the right fit.

Don't tell him whilst he is away but I would certainly be pulling back. Don't initiate any contact and if he does reach out then keep it short and breezy and end the conversation first (have to be somewhere, are in the middle of something - you get the gist).

When he gets back you can have a conversation and end things.

Hibiscrubbed · 25/08/2023 15:22

turtle8919 · 25/08/2023 11:24

This is going to sound blunt.... but he's not that into you! Sounds like he hardly makes time for you, your into your 30's really ideally Youl probably looking to settle down and it doesn't sound like he is. Ditch him and move onto someone who will give you what you are looking for x

Yeah I agree. He keeps ‘freaking out’, he’s an adult man who’s never had a serious girlfriend, it’s been Rocky, he’s on a couples’ holiday and didn’t invite you, and he’s not felt particularly compelled to contact you.

Lob this one back in. Pronto.

boomtickhouse · 25/08/2023 16:10

Pinkpots · 25/08/2023 11:31

You’ve been dating since February, so approximately 6 months and you have had “a rocky last few months” this relationship isn’t going anywhere is it? You can’t force a relationship if the other person is not that bothered.

This.

Ditch and move on.

IamSaved · 25/08/2023 16:24

To put it bluntly, I'd suggest you stop wasting your time on somebody who quite clearly isn't compatible with you. It's glaringly obvious that he's not committed to relationship that will meet your expectations.

The fact that he hasn't had a long term relationship before speaks volumes. Please forget him and find somebody that deserves and reciprocates your commitment. You'll end up pulling your hair out of you keep yourself in this position.

StarDolphins · 25/08/2023 16:35

I don’t think it’s that he’s necessarily not into you but (he f he’s anything like me) he might be cautious with it now nly being 6 months? I don’t want many expectations on me in that time as I’m getting to know the person.

Saying he doesn’t 100% know he has a future with you at this very early stage is ok.

I wouldn’t invite a new partner on holiday this early & I would decline if they invited me.

Some people like to go slower.

LBFseBrom · 25/08/2023 16:49

Could you not have a short break away without him, op? I would.

Don't fret, try and enjoy your peaceful time without this man.

Men are attracted to women who are independent, not clingy. You haven't been with him that long and he has said he is not ready for commitment.

When he comes home, show you are bright, happy and show that you don't need him. Because you don't.

gamerchick · 25/08/2023 16:50

Relationships don't be rocky in the first 6 months. This is never going to work OP. He's got you tucked away in a little box he takes out when he wants a shag.

Put him out of your head and decide what you want to do.