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Original poster

Boyfriend on holiday without me

108 replies

Wobbawobball · 25/08/2023 11:17

Both in our 30s. Dating/together since February.

Boyfriend is on holiday with a group of friends. I don't necessarily have an issue with this, but am a) sad he didn't invite me as it is mostly couples b) the main issue in our relationship is his lack of time for me, he has a v.busy job and family/friends life. We've had one or 2 full weekends together but no plans for holidays etc and it's sad he's taken 8 days with friends when I rarely get more than once a week with him.

He is on day 3. Has been barely texting, called me this morning and I wanted to be really positive and happy but couldnt do it and told him I was feeling a bit down about not being able to have this time with him. Just feeling really jealous as I would have loved a holiday. He ended the conversation after 5 mins and he didn't want my negativity.

We have had a rocky last few months where he had a freak out about commitment (he's never had a long term GF). His freak out included him saying he's not 100% sure he sees a long term future with me, so we scaled things back a bit so he had more space and since then things have been really fun and building back to what they were, but underneath I have been really anxious. Now this trip has come up.

I am so torn. On one hand, I really want to be with someone who wants to make time for me. Then I think about how awful online dating was and when we do have time together we are so in love. I wonder if I have unrealistic expectations after years in a terrible long term relationship that someone wants to sweep me off my feet and jump in to commitment quickly. Maybe this is the reality that dating in your 30s people have established lives and it's harder to fit in to each others than it was dating in my 20s?

I don't know if I'm just being anxious and ruining things by being sad about this holiday or if I have a genuine point about his lack of prioritizing his time with me.

OP posts:
Valerie23 · 25/08/2023 11:21

He's in holiday. He doesn't need to be texting you constantly.

He's with his friends and you've only been together since February.

You are going to push him away by being so needy and full on.

turtle8919 · 25/08/2023 11:24

This is going to sound blunt.... but he's not that into you! Sounds like he hardly makes time for you, your into your 30's really ideally Youl probably looking to settle down and it doesn't sound like he is. Ditch him and move onto someone who will give you what you are looking for x

paulinaghe · 25/08/2023 11:24

At what point was the holiday booked? TBH if I was going away with my friends and one invited their brand new parter who I hadn't met yet I wouldn't be thrilled.

D1Yer · 25/08/2023 11:27

He's clearly not as into you as the other way around...

Original poster
Wobbawobball · 25/08/2023 11:27

It's a festival somewhere nice with a few days either side. There is a core group he's friends with, some who have invited others to fill out the accomodation, including some he's never met! It's not a situation where I would be intruding I don't think!

OP posts:
Original poster
Wobbawobball · 25/08/2023 11:29

I think this is what I knew deep down but I'm heartbroken already just thinking about not having him....

OP posts:
Pinkpots · 25/08/2023 11:31

You’ve been dating since February, so approximately 6 months and you have had “a rocky last few months” this relationship isn’t going anywhere is it? You can’t force a relationship if the other person is not that bothered.

wizzywig · 25/08/2023 11:32

He isn't comfortable with commitment. Imagine if you wanted marriage and kids

felisha54 · 25/08/2023 11:32

When was it organised and paid for? February is not very long to be dating though and if you've already had a rocky few months then I'd suggest it's not the right relationship for you.

With regards to texting etc. I don't exist expect my dh to send more than the odd text, usually that he's arrived safely etc.

Highlyflavouredgravy · 25/08/2023 11:33

He's not that into you.
Move on.

Original poster
Wobbawobball · 25/08/2023 11:37

Ok I think you are all right 😞 would you wait until he's back or send him a message now so I'm not feeling sick/ in limbo? If so, what to say?

OP posts:
Thisisme23 · 25/08/2023 11:39

On the one hand this holiday could of been arranged ages ago (you haven't said when it was booked which i think is important here) so I wouldn't assume as a relatively new GF to be invited.
ON the other - it sounds like a mixture of couples and "extras" are going so it's telling that you weren't included from that point of view.

You've only been dating around 6 months so you should be in the flush of "honeymoon phase" not "having a difficult" few months. relationships shouldn't be this hard - especially in the early stages.

With kindness - I don't think this guy is for you long-term. Being in your 30's is not time to be with a guy who's frightened of commitment - and him being in his 30's but not having had a long term relationship would be a red flag for me.

Flowers
catsnhats11 · 25/08/2023 11:40

You're not a good fit, don't waste any more time with him!

shivermetimbers77 · 25/08/2023 11:41

I think you can do a lot better than him OP.

thecatinthetwat · 25/08/2023 11:42

Sorry op. Wait until he’s back and have the conversation. It would be very unreasonable to do it whilst he’s on holiday.

honestly, even if he fully committed tomorrow, he’s never going to give you as much time as you want. He’ll always have other priorities. If he’s not mad about you and wanting to see you all the time in the first 6 months, it’s not going to happen.

SeulementUneFois · 25/08/2023 11:42

Just stop contacting him while he's away.
When he's back text him to let him know it's over then block him.
He doesn't seem to give much of a #$@$ about you so it should be no skin of his nose

jolies1 · 25/08/2023 11:45

Wait until he’s back to say anything, it’s not fair to spoil his trip away for something that could wait. Try and find nice things to do yourself to keep busy until he comes back and you can talk.

6 months for me is on the cusp of “do you bring your new GF/BF” as it marks that it’s a serious relationship- I don’t think it’s right or wrong not to invite you, especially as tickets probably bought a while ago.

I think around 6 months my partner started inviting me to meet his friends and their wives in smaller groups and a couple of months after that I went as a plus one to a wedding. In your 30s friendship groups have often seen GF’s / BF’s come and go and it’s reasonable to want to make sure someone’s relationship is serious before inviting them to big group events like holidays.

Completely agree with other posters though if things have already been “difficult,” and he’s not calling you from the holiday saying “I miss you, I can’t wait to bring you next time,” then it’s time to move on and find someone who really likes you and is willing to make you part of their life.

MyBrewMyShoes · 25/08/2023 11:46

You've only been together 6 months. I wouldn't expect to be invited on a big friendship group trip.

I don't think he's unreasonable for not wanting to text and call frequently throughout his holiday.

To be honest you're just going to push him away if you continue to tell him that you're jealous/sad that he's not in contact enough.

I don't think this is the one for you. You don't sound compatible.

waterrat · 25/08/2023 11:48

He isnt as into you as you are into him.

Op life is too short..a Rocky few months in a short relationship?!

This is this guys issues and you are bringing your own as welk. You are unhappy but putting up with crap because you are anxious you wont find something better.

You are abandoning the standards you want in order to hang about hoping he will commit to you

Be bold !! Tell him it isnt working for you and move on free to look for real love

waterrat · 25/08/2023 11:49

Totally disagree with the comments that you are expecting too much.

after six months in your 30s you are absolutely entitled to want passion and commitment. This is how people waste time by constantly lowering theit own standards and second guessing themselves.

yellowsmileyface · 25/08/2023 11:51

Agree with others, the fact it's a fairly new relationship and you've already had a rocky past few months doesn't bode well, I'm afraid.

It sounds like since your conversation about commitment, you've been forced to play the "cool girl" role and push down your wants and needs for the relationship out of fear of scaring him off. You admit it's been making you anxious, which isn't healthy.

When you think about ending things, that sad feeling is the loss of what could have been, your idealised version of the relationship, not the loss of what he's actually been giving you.

I'd wait until he's back from holiday though. It would be quite selfish to break up with someone whilst they're on holiday.

Brexile · 25/08/2023 11:51

He wants it both ways, bachelor holidays and a girlfriend waiting for him when he gets back. Don't let him have his cake and eat it.

hungryalways23 · 25/08/2023 11:52

I'm sorry to be blunt but he's not that into you. And you piling on the pressure and being negative while he's away won't help your case. I don't think you're unreasonable for feeling this way, I would be hurt too. I just think you are viewing the relationship differently and have different expectations.

I would seriously try not to contact him again while he's away. Be kind to yourself, keep busy and use this time to think about whether or not you're compatible enough to have a future together.

MyBrewMyShoes · 25/08/2023 11:54

Brexile · 25/08/2023 11:51

He wants it both ways, bachelor holidays and a girlfriend waiting for him when he gets back. Don't let him have his cake and eat it.

Wtf? Why shouldn't a person have both of those things? Not just men, a woman should too.

OP and her DP are just not compatible in what they want.

Brexile · 25/08/2023 11:54

Why do pps think it would be selfish to break up with him on holiday? I think it would be a generous thing to do, as a rebound shag would be super easy to find in a holiday resort. For that reason, I'd not dump him until his plane lands back in the UK! ;)