Boyfriend on holiday without me

[Wobbawobball]

Both in our 30s. Dating/together since February.

Boyfriend is on holiday with a group of friends. I don't necessarily have an issue with this, but am a) sad he didn't invite me as it is mostly couples b) the main issue in our relationship is his lack of time for me, he has a v.busy job and family/friends life. We've had one or 2 full weekends together but no plans for holidays etc and it's sad he's taken 8 days with friends when I rarely get more than once a week with him.

He is on day 3. Has been barely texting, called me this morning and I wanted to be really positive and happy but couldnt do it and told him I was feeling a bit down about not being able to have this time with him. Just feeling really jealous as I would have loved a holiday. He ended the conversation after 5 mins and he didn't want my negativity.

We have had a rocky last few months where he had a freak out about commitment (he's never had a long term GF). His freak out included him saying he's not 100% sure he sees a long term future with me, so we scaled things back a bit so he had more space and since then things have been really fun and building back to what they were, but underneath I have been really anxious. Now this trip has come up.

I am so torn. On one hand, I really want to be with someone who wants to make time for me. Then I think about how awful online dating was and when we do have time together we are so in love. I wonder if I have unrealistic expectations after years in a terrible long term relationship that someone wants to sweep me off my feet and jump in to commitment quickly. Maybe this is the reality that dating in your 30s people have established lives and it's harder to fit in to each others than it was dating in my 20s?

I don't know if I'm just being anxious and ruining things by being sad about this holiday or if I have a genuine point about his lack of prioritizing his time with me.

Dump.

@Wobbawobball
Your expectations are different. Maybe he wants to let the relationship evolve. and you don't want evolution instead you want a mapped out road to commitment.

Nothing wrong with either set of expectations, but your anxiety sounds as though the evolving process is not for you.

Sometimes on MN it seems as though some mature women have the same relationship view that they must have had as teenagers. " Johnny needs to call or text every day (sometimes several times a day,) "; "if he loved me he would want to spend most or all of his free time with me."

If you are old enough to have established working relationships and long term friendship groups, hobbies, etc,you have a full life. In a new relationship, most people are looking for someone to fit in and complement their life, not necessarily for someone to become their life.

When he is off doing things with friends. why aren't you off doing things that you enjoy? Perhaps he might miss you if given the opportunity to do so. I think even hints of neediness is a sure way to kill a potential relationship. I think many or most mature adults are looking for partners who have active and healthy lives. I don't think that they are looking for someone for whom they have to create or become the source of an active and healthy life.

The holiday situation wouldn’t bother me too much, but all in all it doesn’t sound as he wants to commit to you the same way as you want to commit to him. I think you need to have a conversation with him when he gets back.

I do feel for you, he's a commitment phobic fuckwit. Don't waste your best years with him. He'll string you along, throwing you the odd crumb along the way. You're worth a lot more.

Personally, I'd just fade him out. Don't break up with him whilst he's on holiday, you'll be accused of bringing drama. Let him figure it out himself

He's not wrong to want whatever he wants, he's wrong to keep stringing the OP along by promising a proper couple relationship, if my reading of the situation is correct. If they had mutually agreed to an open relationship/ FWBs/ separate holidays or whatever, no problem.

Going on holiday in a group of people alone and going with a relatively new girlfriend is a different dynamic. I think he decided this holiday was for him. Whether that is a comment on your relationship is another matter. It certainly says he likes doing things on his own with other people, doesn’t matter if he knows them or not.

He is showing you that he really values his independence. If you are not an independent type too you won’t be happy in this relationship. Which is were you are now. He wants a girlfriend not a relationship.

As has already been said he's just not that into you. You are Miss Alright For Now...
When you meet someone who really loves you, you are in absolutely no doubt. There is no such thing as too much texting (when it's equal feelings) time is precious. Use it wisely.

Fml you've been together a few months and you say you've had a rocky few months. So basically you've had what I can only describe as a pretty shit relationship from day 1

Please see that this is NOT normal. 1st couple years should be loved up and honeymoon period. He isn't into you, cut your losses and move on

If he really liked you he would have invited you whether it was 2 months or 6 months into the relationship. A festival is a relaxed affair. He doesn't know whether he sees a future with you is basically telling you he isn't that interested. If you are happy with a scaled back relationship stay. If you want more then definitely leave.

I'm sorry but you have no future with this man.

Holiday aside, you clearly aren't and won't be his priority. I think you need to stay away from contacting hmm (delete his number and have it written down on a piece of paper in a drawer for later) so that you aren't tempted to ring or text him. When he's back, tell him it's over.

omg This reminds me of my lay relationship before DP.

Let me guess.. you’ll have an amazing few days together where you have so much fun and feel soo loved up and it’s all mutual and amazing. Then when they leave they become a bit ‘distant’ and as though the awesome few days didn’t happen, leaving you questioning if the time together was even that great?

My ex and I could have a fantastic weekend away full of sex and non stop laughing and deep conversations and then afterwards he’d barely text/ring me, then we’d meet up again and it’d be great again. Then he’d go out his way to sort something out for me like my garden hedges, buy me a new luxury tv or whatever which made me feel it was going somewhere as he was investing in me only for him to then spend a week busy with friends or ‘chilling at home’ and not seeing me even though he could. Then I felt like I was clingy for wanting to see him so much.

Once or twice he’s even say I was invited to a bbq or event or something. Then he’s just go without me and tell me after he’s been and I’d be like ‘wait.. I thought I was invited to that with you?’

After a year I got the message that he either had ‘avoidant attachment’ or just wasn’t that into me. I think it was the former as he also hadn’t had a long term serious relationship before me. He’s likely to be a lifelong bachelor.

I spent the entire relationship either super happy and loved up or super anxious and paranoid. There was no in between and I never felt ‘settled’ with him.

Good news is. After it ended I got over it very quickly and I think it’s because I was so relieved to not be anxious anymore.

I then met my now DP and never felt a moment anxious or questioning our relationship. I met his whole family within 6 months. 5 years later we have a house and a baby and another on the way.

End it when he gets back. You know it’s not going anywhere long term.

Sorry. Element of gaslighting here - rubbing his holiday into your face but not good enough for even a 'token' invitation I.e the sort that you could refuse because not enough time to book off / don't want to affect group dynamic.

This

id send him a message now as he will probably be relieved and enjoy the rest of his holiday xx

This is the exact situation. We have such good sex and chats. He's so clever and so magnetic. Then in-between it's like I'm forgotten and I feel so desperate and anxious again...

Even the part about the invites, he is full of "oh let's do this" then nothing ever materialises.

There are such good times and times when I've been blown away by how he treats me, but I agree, I think I'm "ok for now".

God it's heartbreaking....

Both look like you are looking for different things in a relationship. And there is nothing wrong with that. Neither of you are in the wrong about this but it might be time to have a sit down and chat to see where you both want to go from here. You are looking for something more committed where he is looking for something more layed back where he can still enjoy being with his friends and have time away from you. You have only been dating for a few months so i think if you have been having issues for the past few months, this relationship was unsuccessful from the start. It doesn't seem to be he 'isn't in to you' like previous posts have suggested, more that he isn't ready for such a serious relationship. But communication is key in any relationship and at the end of the day, no body knows what's going through his head about you and him apart from himself. So ask him

wishing you all the best

The holiday is a red herring. That in itself is not unreasonable given the short time you've been together and it no doubt being planned a while ago.

The other stuff however indicates that he is not as into you as you are to him and that is a problem.

On its own, the holiday wouldn't bother me so much.

However... he doesn't seem to want to spend much time with you / can't afford the time to have a full weekend with you / was having doubts / blows hot and cold..... I think perhaps he just isn't that into you.

I wouldn't dump him while he was away. I'd just dump him in your head, and wait for him to get in touch. He might not, in which case, problem solved. If he does get in touch, you can tell him it isn't working for you as he can't give what you're after in a relationship.

To be kind;this man isn't a keeper.

You two clearly aren't on the same page on what you want in a relationship;it's okay to want different things.

Maybe it's time to chuck this one back into the sea and keep on fishing for someone better suited to you?

And I'd wait til he gets back and arrange a face to face meeting;don't end it right now as it just looks like your having a tantrum;just stop texting him and if he messages you keep your replies generic.

You're breaking yourself to try to be what you think he wants.

Your gut is already telling you this is wrong for you. You're anxious, insecure, unhappy and unsettled. This is your inner voice telling you that something is wrong.

I think in these situations it's very easy to mistake strength of feelings for depth of feelings. You feel very strongly about him because those feelings are fuelled by the anxiety and the to-ing-and-froing - the drama creates the strength of the feeling, not his inherent qualities of lovableness.

I suspect you are also infatuated with a version of him that only really exists in your head - what you don't know about him you have filled in with fantasy, making him into the perfect man for you. But he isn't really. He's never had a proper gf, he doesn't have time for you, and he doesn't care about your feelings (you're in pain, and he's irritated rather than concerned).

Put this one back, my lovely. You deserve better than the crumbs of this man's affection.

This.

This is never going to be serious and committed. Either he just isn't sufficiently into you or he isn't wired that way.

If you would be OK with having your own full life plus occasional dates with him, you could go on seeing him, but if you're not, you need to end it. And you're not, are you? You're looking for something he can't give you.

Don't give him this power over you. You've been with him for six months or so - he's gone on holiday with other people, including randomers, when you would happily have gone with him. He's not that bothered and isn't afraid to show it. I'm really sorry but you deserve so much better.

Sorry OP but I can't see this working out long term.

He could have invited you to come, but he didn't. On the other hand expecting constant communication when he is away and being all sad and rejected when he does call is hardly endearing.

You're in your 30s, if you want to settle down and have a family this guy is not for you. He has told you who he is, so believe him and be grateful you've only wasted a few months rather than years.

There is a very small chance if you walk away he will come chasing, but ultimately it doesn't sound like you two are compatible.

I don’t think the not inviting you on a friends group holiday so soon into a relationship, or the lack of communication whilst he’s on holiday is an issue.

But the freaking out about a committed/long term relationship and barely seeing you when he’s not on holiday is. I think that’s what you should be focusing on and thinking about if this is the relationship for you. Depends if you’re after something serious and wanting a family?