Would you date a 39 year old who is twice divorced and engaged a further time.

[cheltsam83]

Quick poll and thoughts. I've started to date someone. Lots in common and I'm attracted to them. They have told me they are twice divorced and also been engaged a further time.

One thing I have noticed is they are very intense and throw themselves into things in a big way.

Should this be a red flag. They are 39.

The intensity would put me off alone tbh.

Ha.

Anne of Cleves had it easiest I suppose. It's the next wife who'll need to watch her neck

Nope, no way at all. There's either reasons why they've had 3 failed serious relationships or they're incredibly unlucky - my bet would be that there are reasons and I wouldn't hang around to find out. Just not worth it on the off chance he "may" be the innocent party so often!

This. Id not want to date someone of 39 who had an identity crisis. Fine if you are 16.

Too many variables for yes/no.

it would absolutely make me, make sure, that I took it slowly!!

plus, how old the child is/children are (if he's going to be have the SK along with his child)!what he's like as a Dad & what the arrangements are like with his ex (flexible, both willing to help each other out, friendly co parenting. Yep. 'Ex is a witch' type comments, rigid days/hours neither helping/compromising, no way!!)

Same tbh.

Plus marriages of a year and then 8 years plus another engagement just smack of desperation to me - need for 'validation' <shudder>

Relationships breaking down after a year or 8 years aren't an issue. That happens. It's the marriage aspect of it that is the red flag for me.

Marriages also breakdown but this person either doesn't have the capacity to form successful lasting relationships or doesn't consider them properly before getting caught up in all the nonsense of 'getting married' (getting married isn't nonsense but you're clearly not taking it seriously if you marry or get engaged in every relationship you have!)

No, he’s got serious form.

Carrie Johnson did (not that that's a good example!!)

My brother is on his 4th wife!

However, they've been very happily married for 45 years

No.

Yes, with that pattern it's not an automatic no. But being 'all in' without much getting to know you is highly risky. You can know you're falling in love after a short time, but you should always keep something in reserve until you've seen their good days and their bad...
You need to see them stressed out, under pressure, responding to someone else's needs when it maybe clashes with their own, how they treat their friends family colleagues.... All that kind of thing, and be happy with what you see, before you take your foot off the brake.

Intensity would be enough to end the relationship for me.

Good for them. I'm sure plenty of wedding guests were 'I'll give it till Crimbo'. (I would have been one of those).

But if he's been married for nearly half a century, in what space of time did he squeeze in his first three marriages??

Is the OP the twice-divorcee, I wonder…?

With that history I'd at least give it a chance. But I'd not want him to propose to me anytime soon!

There are women who have lots of relationships and sometimes kids with different blokes same as men so it is not always an issue

My husband's cousin married a twice divorced man with one teenage child from first marriage and two under ten from second (they saw them regularly, came to stay, etc). They were married well over thirty years, very happily, until he died following a car accident. He was great and did a lot of great co-parenting to her two children from her one previous marriage, who were about 13 and nine at the time.

It can work but depends on the person. Be alert for red flags other than his previous marriages and encourage him not to try too hard.

Relax and enjoy the relationship for what it is right now, see how it pans out.

Forgot to say, they were 39 when they got together, married at 40 I think.

When was the engagement? Between marriage 2 and now? Or years and years ago. I think if he was engaged at 18, fine. If he's managed to fit an engagement in between the end of marriage 2 and now, he's a bit too keen/can't cope with being by himself and looking for someone to take care of him.

A significant % of people have 3 or more serious relationships behind them by the time they reach their late 30s!

Just not worth it on the off chance he "may" be the innocent party so often!

Also, it's really odd to think that relationships only break up when someone is the "guilty party"... Relationships break down for all sorts of reasons! Only one of my relationships broke down due to cheating (not me!) and that was only a very short term one.

A span of about 15 years.

The first was as a teenager when he and his girlfriend were expecting a baby - that marriage was unfortunately was short-lived, lovely girl, and sadly she recently died; followed by two brief marriages to women I remember as being a bit odd, but he went along with their marriage plans!

As I said, they are very happy, and have had a good life materially and now in their 70s with a new grandchild

This is my partner.

First wife told a lie and 27 years later told the truth, they divorced.

Second wife married for 5 months, she met someone else.

Engaged to someone but they weren't suited, they decided to part.

Met me. Don't judge someone until you know all the facts.

I'm divorced - my ex husband was a serial cheater.

I'm DH's fourth wife. He had no children or stepchildren which made life simpler.

He left all 3 marriages. This was over a period of about 18 years in all.

Looking back, I think he had undiagnosed depression and each time he just took a bag and left. He always thought the problem was with the marriage, not himself.

We've been together 22 years with one DD, and it's good. He had a big depressive episode a few years in but this time he worked through it.

So the prospects weren't great but I took a risk!

Run away.