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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Going into semi retirement - DH just 'around' all the time

108 replies

VoluptuaGoodshag · 23/08/2023 14:12

I know this is more me than him but he's been working from home a lot more since lockdown and looks like he'll be retiring in the next year or so. We do lovely things together but having him around, all the time, is putting me on edge. Not that he stops me doing anything but I just like my own space a bit. Even walking into town for something or going for the weekly shop, when he says oh I'll come with you, I'd really prefer he didn't.

How do others navigate this new bit of life? I don't want to be in each others pockets. He does have his hobbies separate to me but I just like my own space a bit more and he always seems to be there.

OP posts:
Sisterpita · 23/08/2023 14:23

You need to use your words. If you don’t set clear boundaries now it will be far harder to change, particularly when he retires.

Just popping to the shops, wait I’ll come with you, I would like to go on my own as I like the quiet thinking time when I walk. We can walk together later.

LoverofGreen · 23/08/2023 14:37

I say I’m off out shortly to listen to a podcast or latest audible book 😂

Disturbia81 · 23/08/2023 18:28

Sisterpita · 23/08/2023 14:23

You need to use your words. If you don’t set clear boundaries now it will be far harder to change, particularly when he retires.

Just popping to the shops, wait I’ll come with you, I would like to go on my own as I like the quiet thinking time when I walk. We can walk together later.

This.. just be honest or it won't get sorted. Everyone is allowed alone time especially as you're so used to it.

frozendaisy · 23/08/2023 22:59

If he's been at work for years you need to adapt to him being in the home he has contributed to financially.

frozendaisy · 23/08/2023 23:01

I quite like the H being at home more since lockdown. Kids will leave soon

Retirement will happen

If I need time alone I can easily tell him to "go and find something else to do"

As regards the weekly shop, just say, it doesn't take both of us to do it why don't you go. He'll never ask again.

Original poster
VoluptuaGoodshag · 24/08/2023 06:16

frozendaisy · 23/08/2023 22:59

If he's been at work for years you need to adapt to him being in the home he has contributed to financially.

What a strange comment and it comes across as rather patriarchal. We have both contributed to this home and neither of us has more entitlement in it than the other. Could you please explain what exactly you are meaning as my initial post was more about him being around more, not just in the home.

OP posts:
Mummy08m · 24/08/2023 06:18

Are you semi retired or wfh too? Why are you at home so much?

Justleaveitblankthen · 24/08/2023 06:30

frozendaisy · 23/08/2023 22:59

If he's been at work for years you need to adapt to him being in the home he has contributed to financially.

What a weird response to the OP'S question.

Maybe he needs to give her back some of the space she is used to?

Princessconsuelabananahammock9 · 24/08/2023 06:39

Are you wfh? If so could you go back to the office to get some space?.

CapEBarra · 24/08/2023 06:51

frozendaisy · 23/08/2023 22:59

If he's been at work for years you need to adapt to him being in the home he has contributed to financially.

I don’t think anyone is suggesting she try to kick him out of his home, just that she’d like to not have to do everything together all the time.

OP, it’ll be new for him too and he’s probably doesn’t quite know what to do with himself yet. Does he have any hobbies or sports? Golf or cycling would be good and healthy. It’s a big change for both of you so getting into a routine would help - split the chores, tell him you want a few hours to yourself in the afternoon, get him started on a project like redecorating.

Original poster
VoluptuaGoodshag · 24/08/2023 06:57

I am already retired. Are people assuming that I’m SAHM/housewife and suggesting that negates any right to be irritated by the constant presence of my DH because those who contribute financially have more rights than others?

I would be asking the same question about anyone, flatmate, relation, whoever. Perhaps I didn’t word my OP terribly well but I feel a bit smothered. I have always been very independent and I have a wide circle of friends. DH also has friends but in a different way to me. I actively nurture my friendships and make the time and effort to meet up with different people. As well, of course, as meeting up as couples. We have hobbies that cross over too so we know each others friends from those hobbies. But he won’t contact a pal and go for a coffee or a drink with them and just have a good blether. He does that as a couple with me. Whereas I have friends that I like to meet regularly, independently of my DH.

OP posts:
GnomeDePlume · 24/08/2023 07:00

Do you have space in your home for a hobby room, a space which is totally yours? Ideally you would want this room to be separate from the rest of your home.

I have a sewing room which is on the top floor of a 3 storey house. DH can't be bothered to walk up 2 flights of stairs just for an idle chat.

Original poster
VoluptuaGoodshag · 24/08/2023 07:10

Yes I have space for a hobby room if I wanted one but my hobbies are outwith the home and I don’t really have time or space for new hobbies. Don’t get me wrong, I like to flake out on the sofa and watch a movie together or we do go and do a couple of hobbies together but I just don’t want to be attached at the hip.

OP posts:
Hottoffeesauce · 24/08/2023 07:15

Just tell him! Sit him down and lovingly tell him that you need 'alone' time, time away from him in order to happily spend time together too. Retirement takes a bit of planning and thought and before you know it, new routines and timetables will be sorted out. But you need to make yourself heard now in order to have a happy home life.

HazelBite · 24/08/2023 07:16

It takes time to find that good balance of enjoying each others company but to avoid getting on each others nerves. DH is semi retired but I have got to the stage that I actually miss him when he is away working.

Both of you need to have your own activities out of the home, seeing friends etc on your own etc.I walk a neighbours dog for an hour or so every day.

Dh likes to go out cycling. We tend not to do these activities at the same time so that whoever is left at home has the house to themselves for a few hours.
We are fortunate that our home is large enough that we have enough space to listen to our own music or watch TV separately.
It really just takes time to adjust. as initially DH would say " Well what are we doing today?" and my heart would sink, but we have adjusted now and its okay but it does take time and effort.

IWantOutDoI · 24/08/2023 07:26

How can you be with someone for so long and not feeling comfortable to say you need some me time or be out on your own?

Retirement will be hell of you don’t open up. If it helps, we always thought our parents would divorce if they stayed together in the house 24/7 but to our surprise, they sorted it by allocating rooms in the house to themselves with their own computers, TVs and books and somewhere to sit and read. They shared the kitchen and bedroom at some points of the day and respected that when either of them closed the door behind them, they didn’t want to be interrupted.

They never went out together unless the outing was planned together or the other had asked them to join.

I don’t think for a moment this happened spontaneously, I am sure at some point they sat down and agreed on new “house rules”.

Original poster
VoluptuaGoodshag · 24/08/2023 07:33

@HazelBite " Well what are we doing today?" and my heart would sink, but we have adjusted now and its okay but it does take time and effort.

Thankyou. You get it. It’s getting the balance right isn’t it. I want to be able to say well today I’m doing this or this and later we can do that together but I’m not wanting to do your thinking for you ifswim. I don’t want to have to think of things for him to do. He’s a fully grown capable human being.
I don’t want to have to tell him a room needs redecorated or some DIY needs done, there is a to do list on the fridge that he can surely read. One of the things had been on it for a while. I started doing it at the weekend and then he comes along and started helping. Which is great you’d think but why did it take for me to start doing it before the thought occurred to him that it needed done. And in fact he kinda got in the way coz it only needed one person to do it. And why couldn’t he see the next thing on the list and do that instead then two things would have gotten done. I’m not spoon feeding him and resent having to point this out.

OP posts:
YukoandHiro · 24/08/2023 07:41

I'm a very long way off retirement but I totally understand what you're talking about. It's the feeling like you have or take responsibility for someone else's plans etc. Plus I completely get needing space. I was on maternity leave during pandemic and while it was initially helpful having DH around a lot in the first 3 months after that I found it stifling having to discuss what me and the baby were doing every day (this was when things were opening but DH's company were still fully wfh) having him always there.
I agree with others who say try to have a gentle convo about it now and set some boundaries/expectations before it gets stuck in a pattern you dislike. It's a period of transition

AngelinaFibres · 24/08/2023 07:47

It takes time to work out your new life. My husband took up golf when he retired 7 years ago. He plays 3x a week Mon ,Wed,Fri. It takes 4 to 5 hours to play 18 holes. He's fitter and trimmer than he's ever been so that's a bonus too. We have our own interests and routines and friends. We love doing things together but allow each other to do our own things too. Works very well but it takes time to mellow into a new phase.

Upsizer · 24/08/2023 07:53

Oh this is my life next year when DH retires and tbh I’m dreading navigating it. I’m fortunate that I will still work part time so might rent a small office out of the home…

isthewashingdryyet · 24/08/2023 07:58

Think of it like work, have a meeting and lay out parameters, and what you will and won’t do going forward, and what he needs to take on and what you will do.
he isn’t a mind reader, so need to know you go for coffee with the ladies on a Tuesday and alternate Thursdays, but would like to spend Wednesday mornings and all day Friday with him

you need a proper conversation, even if you just point out the list on the fridge and how important some alone time is

olderbutwiser · 24/08/2023 08:20

Have you had a conversation with him about what he plans to do in retirement, or what his hopes/expectations are? Not what hobbies he plans to take up but how he expects day to day life to be? DH and I are both very home based and have had to negotiate getting time alone in the same way. He definitely needs more time with me than I do with him, but we still both openly enjoy having the house to ourselves. It seems a bit tough but I think you’re just going to have to discuss it with him.

TerfTalking · 24/08/2023 08:26

I get you OP. DH has worked away for most of our married life, with periods at home in between which took a lot of adjustment. Lockdown nearly killed me. I’m dreading retirement for him. Fortunately he is on the golf course a lot, may it continue, he also has a lot of friends. I hope we can adjust again.

justasking111 · 24/08/2023 08:30

Coffee, lunch out with girlfriends, children. Mine cycles a lot and is into fishing, shooting. We muddle along.

balzamico · 24/08/2023 08:33

I know of someone who said on her husband's retirement "never ask me what are we doing today".
I think that's a good place to start, am facing this soon after years of (me) being a sahm, dh retires at Christmas- I suspect next year could be a bit rocky as we both adjust!