Going into semi retirement - DH just 'around' all the time

[VoluptuaGoodshag]

I know this is more me than him but he's been working from home a lot more since lockdown and looks like he'll be retiring in the next year or so. We do lovely things together but having him around, all the time, is putting me on edge. Not that he stops me doing anything but I just like my own space a bit. Even walking into town for something or going for the weekly shop, when he says oh I'll come with you, I'd really prefer he didn't.

How do others navigate this new bit of life? I don't want to be in each others pockets. He does have his hobbies separate to me but I just like my own space a bit more and he always seems to be there.

I didn’t say I love my husband more than someone else. That’s just my way of showing my love for him. It’s not a comparison contest.

That’s fair enough and every adjustment is tough esp when you are used to doing things in a certain way.
I’m just highlighting the importance of being open and honest and not holding back. Her husband seems like he wants her company and she wants her own space. Both have different needs. It’s about finding a compromise otherwise resentment builds and people end up calling quits.

If you read her comments there’s a section where someone mentioned disliking and being resentful towards her husband and that they might be right and that’s worrying.
Someone else mentioned being able to communicate their needs after retiring.
Im just pointing out that the solution is to communicate and tell her husband what she needs and for him to tell her what he needs. It needs to work for both of them as that’s what a relationship is about. It’s about compromise and working on a solution together even if it might not always be what you want because when you love someone at times you put their needs before your own. If he wants to spend more time with her and she doesn’t how do they find a way to satisfy both parties so it doesn’t build up and both end up resenting each other.

Why have you not talked to him about this?

He may have worked for years and contributed to the home financially, but that doesn't mean he has bought his wife.

I think this thread has drifted a bit from my OP. I was asking how to navigate the situation and then in further posts, using examples to illustrate some things that irk me. Despite me having a think about it all it doesn’t mean I want to LTB.
after having the kids I worked part time but prior to that I had a very good job with a very good pension which I can draw on earlier. We worked well as a team around the kids but yes I did most of the mental load. I think that the problem lies in that I’m quite happy in my own company. I always have been. I love seeing lots of different people too but if I saw too much of them I’d feel exactly the same. I need time to myself and hate having to do anyone’s thinking for them.
As our life is changing I’m just trying to head off any potential problems at the pass.
it’s lovely that some of you love spending all your time with your DH but that would not work for me. Doesn’t make me right or you wrong it just makes us different.

Do what have you actually done? Have you talked to him about it?

Maybe he feels the same about you and your needs? All this is worded about what you want but may he has plans as well?

Fortunately DH has lots of outdoor hobbies like cycling, running and fishing but if it's raining he tends to pace about the house looking out of the window a lot which can be a bit annoying. I can quite see your point OP

@VoluptuaGoodshag I feel exactly as you do. I know I'm getting on a bit (61) but too much 24/7 and I feel 'old'

You are not the first woman who has returned to full-time work on the back of a new wfh arrangement.

I know of several.

One friend felt she was being micromanaged by her husband when she was part time wfh and has now unilaterally returned full-time in the office. An opportunity came up and she grabbed it.
She is loving it, him not at all, despite his work being flexible for drop offs etc.

She has said it is now up to him to make it work as he was in her ear enough when she was doing it.
He can now deal with their 3 tweens after school.

She is delighted. Covid was very tough for a lot of people.

I do wonder if the divorce rate rose following the pandemic. We've worked separately and together self employed all through our marriage which helped during covid. Otherwise I think I would have cracked.

I'm laughing at Billy's post. Easily sorted though. If it's a problem sort it. Go into the office 2 days, get Dh to sort your 3 x tween's, go out for a curry and a bottle of wine with your 2 closest friends once a month, insist that Dh gets out of the house weekly for doily crocheting / Lycra cycling / whatever. And the problem is?

We get on very well but total retirement was an adjustment, particularly as DH had been away a lot.

The tranferance of the mental load to be more fair has been a challenge.

Tbf, tho I also needed to step up being more independent as I'd got very lazy at going anwhere during covid.

I just tend to externalise what I'm thinking tho, it's easier and helps.

"I love my husband and like time with him. But I wish he had a hobby so that just sometimes I could have to house to myself. Or not have him looking a bit downcast when I go out to see a friend or whatever."

This exactly describes what has happened with two friends, one of whose husbands retired recently. The other husband retired several years ago and absolutely nothing has changed from when he first retired: no friends, no hobbies, goes out with her when she does eg shopping. She's retired too and as he's a homebody and has no interest in travelling, that's out of the window too.

My first friend works part time in education and has hobbies/ friends and encourages her OH to see his own.

This is real. Some couples like to be joined at the hip, while she butters his bread for him, but it's not actually that healthy. My priest friend sees how some widow/ers falls apart when they lose their partner not "only" through grief but because they've never had time apart. Those who have independent interests as well do better in her experience.

The cry of those first friends is: I just want the house to myself sometimes! He has it to himself when I go out but I never do because he doesn't go out unless I'm with him!

They love their husbands, they choose to do some things together but 24/7 with someone is tough and can't be compared to only being with someone for parts of the day when they're not working. As a pp said, until it happens, you just don't know what it's like.

So empathy, OP!

This is excellent advice!

I think it's going to be more noticeable with the generation now approaching retirement because more woman have worked consistently and full time. Few men also had WFH full time jobs as well so women had less opportunity to see how they felt about someone being around 24/7 if the men had few external hobbies. Personally I think there will be a rise in divorce amongst older couples.

DH said yesterday 'shall I come' I said nah you get on with your jobs. If he's under your feet just tell him. What's the alternative? Would you prefer he sat in the pub all day with his mates?

I think it's worse if the woman has been used to having the house all to herself. My Mum had this problem with my Dad once he retired, and l work alongside other women who only found a part time job once their husband's had retired because they can't stand being stuck together day in and day out.
I am single and glad l won't have this issue, l love having my own time and space.

I too think its a huge issue but often to varying degrees.

For a lot of older women that I know, food was a huge sticking point.

Their husbands are very set in their ways and liking very plain food, so going for lunch with friends several times a week has been their lifesaver, so they can eat interesting food that they haven't cooked.

The happiest marriages I know are those that spend a bit of time with other people.

I was absolutely delighted when my house was emptied of my husband and children. Delighted.

All my friends felt the same.
My husband wasn't sticking his nose in either.

Both people working from home takes a special type of tolerance.

Offices at the end of a garden hugely helped a couple of my friends who felt it was money really well spent.
Comfortable spacious office during the week, extra teen space at the weekend.

Total win.

I'm looking at one at the moment, not because of work, but because I have a large garden and I think having a separate space away from the house for ME sounds like a great idea.

With 4 children living at home, in an urban setting, without a notion of giving up their home comforts any time soon......I need to get creative😁

Hmmm. Watching and listening!

@balzamico I think you might find it easier than you think. Was DH home during the Covid lockdowns? Mine was. And I kind of got used to him being there a lot more than he’d ever been. He’d always worked 12-14 hour days so was out of the house a lot and he’d worked away a lot too!! I’d been a SAHM for many years so used to having the house to myself most days. One child has left home and the other has also been working away and just home weekends.

Now DH has retired last year and we’re settling into a pattern. He plays golf usually 3 times a week and goes to the gym 3 times a week. He also does a bit of gardening. The rest of the week we’ll go out together for lunches or shopping or whatever we fancy doing.

So it all seems to be working out ok. I’m great at pottering in the house so I’m never at a loss or bored or lonely. I like my own company too so I can happily while the whole day away with a book whereas DH likes to be a bit more active which is fine. We each do our own thing but also enjoy doing stuff together I’m glad to say. I hope you’ll find the same when your DH retires too! Good luck. 👍

@VoluptuaGoodshag I feel your pain on the adjustment.

I was self-employed for years so I'm used to working from a quiet empty home (and well as work commitments that take me out of the house). It is just such a difference having another person around all the time. Someone asking where I'm going if I'm putting on my coat - which is of course reasonable, but takes some getting used to when I have just been able to 'go out' for 20 years. dh is big on the outdoors but a lot of that is weather / season dependant. So yes, there are times when he is standing around... sort of expectantly, hoping I'm going to magic up something interesting and fulfilling.

After a full on career which hindered dh's desired holidays and limited his outdoor hobbies, he was very clear that he did not want to take up a 3-times a week golfing commitment, or get over-involved in volunteering. He wanted the flexibility to be spontaneous when the conditions are right for his sporting activities. That is great but he knows he also has to be responsible for sorting out his own down-time. And he has a group of friends who meet every week.

You asked for practical ideas - so here are mine:

dh is very easy going (and we are genuinely very happy together). If I ever suggest going somewhere or doing something (a walk, a picnic, out for lunch, trip to the theatre, a foraging experience etc) he will happily and enthusiastically join in. But I am very clear that I make these arrangements when there is something that I want to do, I'm not taking on the mental load of filling his time. It's the same kind of benign neglect with which I used to be a parent - leave them to get bored and they'll find some way of occupying themselves.

Managing and adjusting over time takes good communication and clarity on your part. I have been clear that although I love cooking and happy to plan and make dinner almost every evening, I will not wait on him hand and foot, or organise my day around him and he remains responsible for making his own breakfast and usually his own lunch. Who knows maybe in another 10 years we'll be sitting down together for breakfast every morning, but that doesn't work for me now.

We also have our own spaces in the house where we can keep our own mess and retreat to. Our previous 4 bedroom house is now a house with 2 bedrooms and 2 'offices'. That is a lovely to contrast to a 6 week holiday where we spent all our time together in a very small space, and still got on great.

I still do a little work, and I also have friends who I meet during the week for a walk or a chat, or fur lunch, and a few regular hobby classes. We have a shared calander where I write down anything that affects us both - e.g. visitors, commitments with couple friends or family, times when I might be away overnight, events that are booked for both of us, activities with our dgc etc. But I don't write down everything that I plan to do alone. At the start of each week we have a chat about what is on and I fill dh in then about my yoga class or a work meeting, or time just me with my friends. even after 2 years of retirement dh stills seems surprised that I have such a busy life

I'm in a similar situation OP, and it takes some readjustment and communication.
Personally, I never want to be as enmeshed as some of my retired friends seem. One of them told me her husband had spent the afternoon at his allotment and I said 'that's nice, and what were you up to?' to which she replied 'oh, I took a camping chair, and sat and read a book...' 😱I can't think of anything worse (but each to their own!).

I think a lot depends whether you both see retirement as a chance to spend more time together or to pursue more personal hobbies and interests.

Personally, I feel I have given my 'all' to husband and children for the last 20+ years and this is now MY time to enjoy myself and not be responsible for organising others and their happiness & activities!