Going into semi retirement - DH just 'around' all the time

[VoluptuaGoodshag]

I know this is more me than him but he's been working from home a lot more since lockdown and looks like he'll be retiring in the next year or so. We do lovely things together but having him around, all the time, is putting me on edge. Not that he stops me doing anything but I just like my own space a bit. Even walking into town for something or going for the weekly shop, when he says oh I'll come with you, I'd really prefer he didn't.

How do others navigate this new bit of life? I don't want to be in each others pockets. He does have his hobbies separate to me but I just like my own space a bit more and he always seems to be there.

It’s not your job to entertain him or keep him company. Tell him gently that he’s going to have to take responsibility for his own leisure time now there’s more of it, and needs to start investing in friendships, things he enjoys etc. That way you can both enjoy the time you spend together, because you’re both bringing your own independent activities and experiences to it, and have confidantes other than one another to unload on, have fun with etc.

I suggest you really think about how to talk to him before you do it as it could easily be taken badly if you get it wrong.

I think you need to be balanced in your approach and accept that he will be around much more than he has been and that is a part of you both being retired that you need to adjust to. Showing him that you are just annoyed by his presence and seeking to get away from him all the time is not the right course of action, but neither is allowing him to tag along and not create his own retirement life.

I do get the "your not responsible for his happiness" and "you need to assert firm boundaries" folk but remember that you and your husband are supposed to be a team and this is a big life change for him coming up and you need to work together to set up this next phase of your lives together.

Lawn bowls. The dog died so DF joined the bowls club and DM has barely seen him since. DF’s doubles partner is 88 so it’s not like you get too old for it either.

I have my own study so that I am not as available as if I was in a shared space. I tell DH what I am doing every week with my friends and DH and I go out for a day every week together and eat out together once a week. Otherwise we have dinner together most evenings. DH goes out on his bike every morning and has taken over all the housework (and does it badly).

I remember thinking in lockdown that this is what retirement will look like. And he was told very early on that if he asked again "what are we going to do today" his life would be in grave danger.

I'm also dreading it. My Mum has really struggled since my step dad retired as he has no friends, no hobbies and she feels very suffocated by him at times. Hence she's still working part time at 76....

After being totally absent for years when I really needed his help, DH has started following me around and joining in whatever jobs I'm doing.

He's chucked a full sack of mulch on my seedlings when I'd turned my back momentarily to pick up another tub full to sprinkle gently around. He assumed that anything I did was an unskilled task he could just leap all over and shortcut.

I redirect him- I'm happy doing this on my own thanks. You go and do some of your jobs.

And when we move we are having separate sitting rooms. He seems to just take over any space he's in, regardless of me enjoying the peace and quiet reading or whatever.

Some very interesting comments. @Eleganz thsts really good advice. Thanks

Today I've spent seven hours on a farm with half a dozen grand children and their mothers. I crawled in to OH telling me he'd been fishing with mates all day, then asking what's for dinner. I said go to the chippy. Only to be told he has a bad cold and is too ill to go out again. 🤬🤬

OH he's just dragged himself out of his martyr to feed the puppy one hour early. Someone dig out a Victoria cross for this hero

I would be making sure I did some interesting voluntary or something and having a busy diary -so opportunities for enforced coupledom were fewer.

Oh and I'm totally with you OP- I like space

Turn that hobby room into a sitting room for yourself.

I think it’s very difficult for people to understand some of us need space. I’ve started taking myself, and a book for a coffee.

Identify a day of the week where you plan to do nice things together.

Then introduce him to various local activities he might be interested in - clubs, societies, groups, walking groups, golf, bowls, classes, talks, etc etc.

We each have our own study. Mine is the smallest spare bedroom. We can close the door and just be.

We never eat lunch together but always eat dinner. That means we can each plan our own day.

We use a joint calendar, do consult on whole day things but mostly just have parallel lives much as we did when we were both at work. That way we love seeing each other and have things to talk about. Works for us. Oh and we have lots of holidays together so tons of quality time.

I get you OP. When DH semi-retired he seemed to have no appreciation for the fact that I already had a life and routine established and he couldn't just expect to bulldozer his way into it. He would barge into my office at 11.30 (despite me always knocking before entering his!) and say 'I thought we could go to XYZ restaurant for lunch' only to get all huffy when I said already had plans.
I still resent the fact that he seems to assume that I should now prioritise him and his needs first, but I just keep chipping away at it and remind him that we have a shared calendar if he wants to check and plan things for us in advance - I'm not at his beck and call.

Also start planning to redistribute the housework and chores if he's not used to doing them!

He probably feels the same! We both retired early so we've got the DCs around at the moment as they're on school holidays but when it's just us we have various things we do separately. We share a major hobby so it's important to do things that are not together too. He goes to the gym most days, and I'll walk the dog with female friends. If I really need space we've got a big garden so I'll take myself off somewhere to do some weeding with my airpods!

I'd love my own room. He's just asked for a divorce because I'm not providing his dinner. Apparently my scoliosis, hip impingement, which causes me a lot of pain diagnosed with MRI scan is an invention by GP and consultant because I have private health care. I've been told to move out immediately after 46 years.

I shan't of course the family are beginning to suspect he's losing the plot because he's attacked all three offspring verbally for their life choices, as in homes, business decisions, and their disobedient wives. 🙈🙈

'Disobedient wives'? What is going on, anyway, do you think? Sorry about your situation.

what about WI
or knitting club
he wont come to that?

He went to fetch a takeaway. Has come back with no recollection of the last half hour divorce demands. It's draining.

Cross stitch day course
Advanced housework day school
Women only swimming

“Then introduce him to various local activities he might be interested in - clubs, societies, groups, walking groups, golf, bowls, classes, talks, etc etc.”

Why the eff should I have to do the mental load of thinking up things for him to do? He’s a fully functioning adult working as a project director for huge multinational. He is more than capable without me having to kidult him

I'm not looking forward to this either. We both volunteer and when it gets closer to retirement I'm going to suggest we both up this so he's out of the house sometime when I can have the house to myself to potter. My mental health needs it.

I did volunteer until my back no longer allowed it. You're doing the right thing