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Original poster

Will he ever marry me?

98 replies

Lola756 · 22/08/2023 15:27

I’m still holding out hope that my ex that I was with for 8 years will marry me. He had about 5 wobbles in our relationship and I decided enough was enough.

He’s now saying he’ll commit and doesn’t want to lose me so I said if you are serious then make a wedding date - we were engaged for 4 years before the breakup. His response was you need to show me you’re committed and then I’ll jump through hoops for you.

The reason he said this was because where he’s mucked me around so many times I’m guarded. He doesn’t seem to understand that I need this from him to show me he’s serious. I never once in our whole relationship ever cheated , changed my mind or made him doubt me. So it’s confusing why he says I need to prove to him? Everytime he messed up in our relationship I stood by him and forgave him.

I need some advice please - my friends and family say he’s never going to commit , he would have done by now. They think he’s controlling and emotionally abusive. I just can’t see it and truly hoping he’s being serious.

OP posts:
RatherBeRiding · 22/08/2023 15:30

Oh OP - listen to your friends and family! Of course he's stringing you along - what will it take to make the scales fall from your eyes? IF he was serious he would commit. It's that simple. He isn't serious, he's not committing. It's not rocket science.

AndTheSurveySays · 22/08/2023 15:32

Why do you want such a man to marry you?

If a person loves you there is none of this nonsense breaking up all the time, using emotional manipulation etc .

You need to work out why you're so desperate for a man that most of us would chuck in the bin.

PaintedEgg · 22/08/2023 15:36

your friends and family are right - he is not going to marry you.

The only scenario where this would happen is if the benefit of keeping you around will allow you to literally force him him to do it - ie he will be in a position of "either get married or lose x, y and z"

have a think - what is it that you provide that he wants? money? housing? do you take care of domestic tasks? are you considerably better looking than him?

TedMullins · 22/08/2023 15:39

Listen to your friends. If he was serious he would’ve married you already.

WhineWhineWhineWINE · 22/08/2023 15:41

It's just another way for him to stall. He doesn't want to marry you. Now he's trying to make it your fault.

Wolfiefan · 22/08/2023 15:42

Yep it’s an excuse to put off marrying you. He’s not going to. You were engaged for years. He had his chance.

Hbh17 · 22/08/2023 15:52

If I were your friend, I would be so worried about you. Why do you want to marry such an awful man?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 22/08/2023 15:57

You were right to decide that enough is enough. All this man has done in your relationship is move the goalposts around and so set you up to fail his "test".

Please take heed of what your family and friends are saying; they are correct in this respect. Counselling for you would be helpful to otherwise rebuild your life.

Ahwhatthehell · 22/08/2023 16:06

He’s doing just enough to keep you hanging in there, without him ever fully committing.

Hard as it is, I would get rid and find a man who is not going to keep you dangling.

readbooksdrinktea · 22/08/2023 16:09

A 4-year engagement? Like hell does he want to get married. Listen to your people.

Watchkeys · 22/08/2023 16:10

Why do you want to marry someone who keeps you hanging over such a huge life decision?

It's a genuine question. How do you think you'll deal with life decisions as a couple, if you do get married?

Original poster
Lola756 · 22/08/2023 16:16

I don’t know why I’m so attached to him - I know when I really think about it the way he treats/treated me made me miserable and feel worthless but for some reason I just think it’s going to be different every time.

My confidence is so low I don’t think anyone else would ever want me

OP posts:
Ahwhatthehell · 22/08/2023 16:20

How old are you @Lola756 ?

Original poster
Lola756 · 22/08/2023 16:36

@Ahwhatthehell im 33

OP posts:
Epidote · 22/08/2023 16:38

Hopefully no, and you will be doing yourself a favour.
You need to think about what you had written, that relationship is not a healthy one.
Please do not come back with him and think about yourself regardless of how in love of him you are.

Tinkerbyebye · 22/08/2023 16:46

He’s never going to commit. Dump and find someone else

usernother · 22/08/2023 16:54

OP. If one of your friends was telling you this story about herself what would you advise her to do. Hopefully it would be to get rid of his asap.

frozencarlotta · 22/08/2023 16:56

"I need some advice please - my friends and family say he’s never going to commit , he would have done by now. They think he’s controlling and emotionally abusive. I just can’t see it and truly hoping he’s being serious."

He is an arsehole!!

" His response was you need to show me you’re committed and then I’ll jump through hoops for you."

Oh fuck off sunshine

Watchkeys · 22/08/2023 16:56

What was your relationship like with your parents when you were growing up, @Lola756 ? Were they consistently loving, kind, and respectful towards you? Were they distracted by something, like fighting between themselves, an addiction/illness, a more demanding sibling..?

Did you feel like you could rely on them to prioritise your feelings?

cheezncrackers · 22/08/2023 17:00

Please listen to your friends and family - it sounds like they see this man for what he is - which is a controlling, manipulative game-player. He'll never commit to you, he just enjoys watching you jump through hoops for him. It makes him feel good. It amuses him that you're prepared to do that, in the desperate hope that he'll marry you. FGS tell him to fuck off. Then do the Freedom Programme and work on your self-esteem.

Original poster
Lola756 · 22/08/2023 19:05

@Watchkeys both my parents left me and I was brought up by other members of my family.

I never wanted for anything and they always respect my feelings

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 22/08/2023 19:41

Did you always know they'd left? How do you feel about it? (Sorry, very personal question, but could be very relevant)

Original poster
Lola756 · 23/08/2023 00:34

@Watchkeys yes I always knew they’d left - even though I was young I remember it. I think now I’m older I feel more anger but for a long time I felt rejected, made me question myself as a person

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 23/08/2023 07:30

And that's the template you're working from. That's what you learned 'home' felt like. Your view of what's acceptable is skewed by the fact that you felt, as a child, that unacceptable were a normality.

We have these views about relationships that don't apply anywhere else. Don't like broccoli? Don't eat it. Don't like the cinema? Don't go. Don't like loud music? Don't listen to it. Don't like the way he treats you? Blame yourself, doubt yourself, try to stay in the situation, try to change yourself... it doesn't have to be like that. If you don't like the way he treats you, he's broccoli; just put distance between you and him. It's what you'd do with anything else unfavourable to you.

Your job is to be responsible for yourself. Just like being responsible for a child. It's not just about making sure you eat the right stuff and don't get left out in the rain. It's about encouraging yourself to only be in healthy situations, and minimising things that make you feel bad. It's about recognising that certain situations change you, and consciously avoiding the bad ones. Would you force a child to spend time with someone who was unpredictability nice/nasty to them? Someone who made them kick off and scream? Wouldn't you see that as cruel? You're doing that to yourself.

VictoriaVenkman · 23/08/2023 08:18

Sorry to be harsh OP but he has no intention of marrying you. Actions speak louder than words. If he wanted to marry you, he would have already Flowers

Look at his latest action, yet another barrier of you showing 'commitment' before he will marry you. Is 8 years together not enough 'commitment' already? It's a delaying tactic.