Will he ever marry me?

[Lola756]

I’m still holding out hope that my ex that I was with for 8 years will marry me. He had about 5 wobbles in our relationship and I decided enough was enough.

He’s now saying he’ll commit and doesn’t want to lose me so I said if you are serious then make a wedding date - we were engaged for 4 years before the breakup. His response was you need to show me you’re committed and then I’ll jump through hoops for you.

The reason he said this was because where he’s mucked me around so many times I’m guarded. He doesn’t seem to understand that I need this from him to show me he’s serious. I never once in our whole relationship ever cheated , changed my mind or made him doubt me. So it’s confusing why he says I need to prove to him? Everytime he messed up in our relationship I stood by him and forgave him.

I need some advice please - my friends and family say he’s never going to commit , he would have done by now. They think he’s controlling and emotionally abusive. I just can’t see it and truly hoping he’s being serious.

PLEASE spend some time investing in yourself as you seem totally at sea.

Get some counselling. And read:

Women Who Love Too Much

The Six Pillars of Self Esteem

Your friends and family are right. Listen to them.

Also, a four-year engagement is not an engagement (unless there's a very specific reason why it needs to be so long).

If you have to force a wedding then it's not ment to be. I gave my stbxh an ultimatum worsed thing i did. Should of just ended it and saved myself 16 yrs of cheating none commital c you next tuesday.

Update - Sorry it's been a while replying but I had some space for a few days.

After weeks of saying about a wedding date and him making excuses of me needing to prove myself he's now said he'll make a wedding date. He asked me to choose from 2 dates - our grandparents birthdays.

In the meantime I found out he's been through my private notebook and ripped out pages he didn't want anyone to see.

Why is he now agreeing to it? I said to him I don't think this is what I want anymore. I shouldn't of had to fight so hard for a date. I'm trying to stay strong

@Lola756 - how dare he go through your private notebook and rip out pages!

I wouldn’t be at all surprised that he’s actually been reading these posts on Mumsnet ……have you been clearing your cookies? Perhaps he has a keystroke reading device on your laptop?

Get rid!!!!

'In the meantime I found out he's been through my private notebook and ripped out pages he didn't want anyone to see.'

This is outrageous. He just gets worse and worse. This is not a normal or healthy relationship OP, and you're starting to see that for yourself now. The endless games and guessing and keeping you on the back foot is bad enough, but damaging your personal property is a whole other level. Get rid of him. Your life will become so much more peaceful

It's better to be single than to be with a man who treats you like this, trust me I've been both positions. This man is not the be all and end all and he's not your only chance of a family life. Please get some counselling to try to boost your self esteem and block him forever or if not then for at least a year x

OMG. Marriage isn't the fairytale end of all this. It is the beginning of being tied to this awful man who will spend the rest of your life dangling you on a string and making your life a misery. If you have children you will never escape and you will be inflicting him on your children for the rest of their lives too, even if he decides to do a runner and never see them again. Ditch him and go to counselling.

Hun this is going to seem like one of the hardest things you’ll ever do but honestly walk away, he doesn’t deserve you. If getting married is something that’s important to you and he’s committed to you then he wouldn’t be making you wait and force you into making an ultimatum.

He’s playing games with you and you’re worth so much more than this. And you won’t realise how bad you’ve been treated by him till you’re with someone that treats you right. Plus there are so many red flags even just from the small insight you’ve given- why is he even touching your private notebook?

You may not feel it yourself but you’re worth someone who gives you the respect that you deserve. Walk away now and find that someone and as pp have said- being alone is better than being with a man who treats you like this.

Have you ever watched that movie he’s just not that into you? … this is like that.

In a healthy relationship, if a man valued you and your relationship he wouldn’t cheat.

if he wanted to marry you, then he would

Sorry - but for god's sake please dump him and move on. He sounds awful. Marriage is not a magic solution to relationship problems. If he wanted to marry you, he would - end of. He doesn't, and it's not going to end well in the situation you describe. You deserve a million times better.

33 is a fab age to meet someone new.

@Lola756

In the meantime I found out he's been through my private notebook and ripped out pages he didn't want anyone to see.

OP you need to put a higher value on yourself rather than passively accepting such poor behaviour from someone whose supposed to love, care and have respect for you.

Why would you entangle yourself further emotionally and in a legal contract - and perhaps with children - to someone who keeps you so off balance and manipulates you in this way? Surely you are worth more?

Not being with someone is surely better than being with the wrong person? 🌹

No he won’t ever marry you. I’m sorry OP.

It’s not because of you either, it’s because he’s a twat. A decent guy would be honest about what they wanted and let you go so you have the opportunity to meet someone that you deserve

my friends and family…think he’s controlling and emotionally abusive

the more and more you post the more he sounds controlling and emotionally abusive.

you would benefit from counselling / therapy and going completely no contact with this arsehole.

Hi Op,

Do you live together?

Like the majority of the feedback, I agree you should leave him.

There is too many issues, friction and rejection to heal from. Please seek counselling, protect yourself from falling for the rejection/pull dynamic.

You deserve a reciprocal and loving relationship, what you describe is not that.

I pray you find the strength to do the right thing x

Thank you everyone

@Foreverhope1 yes we do live together but he's dragging his feet on selling the house.

In the meantime I found out he's been through my private notebook and ripped out pages he didn't want anyone to see.
How dare he!?! How fucking dare he touch your private and personal belongings and destroy them! Get angry OP. Get very very angry over this.

Why is he now agreeing to it? I said to him I don't think this is what I want anymore. I shouldn't of had to fight so hard for a date. I'm trying to stay strong.
He's agreeing because he can sense (or read from your journal) that you are distancing yourself from him. He's losing his emotional punchbag and probably cleaner and bill payer. Who else would be willing to put a roof over his head? Believe in your family and friends, they love you. Do NOT believe him, he's using you and abusing your love for him.

You don't want marriage and abuse. You want separation and freedom.

Exactly this. Please wake up.

You need to get legal advice regarding your house, is it yours/joint?

Get anything that is important to you and box it up and ask someone to store it for you.

He is about to get worse, a lot worse, when he realises he is losing control. Please protect yourself.

How many more red flags do you need, @Lola756 ?

If he were to marry you, your troubles would only get worse. A lifetime of being coerced, abused and being played games with.

You don't need him. Walk away now.

Oh gosh OP this is a dangerous relationship to be in.

He is abusive and this will get worse. Why did he think he had a right to go through your notebook and destroy pages? I'll tell you why - because he believes he has the right to control you. In every way.

He is making you vulnerable to his abuse. Like choosing grandparents birthday as a wedding date - the play sounds romantic but he is controlling you and the choices you make. A man who loves you and know how to love healthily doesn't do any of these things.

Please end this relationship. Protect your assets and get a clean break from him.

Whose house is it?

Wake. Up.

I bet the dates are years in the future. Just because he's agreed to set a date doesn't mean he actually wants to marry you. He's probably just given you a date to keep you quiet for a while but he'll have a string of excuses lined up to get out of it.

I was engaged to a guy and had a wedding date set. We'd even picked a venue and put a deposit down. He asked to move it using mental health issues as the reason. He couldn't give me another date as he didn't know when his MH would be up to it. He eventually agreed to another date a full year in advance of the original date. He broke up with me a few months after that. Looking back it was so obvious that he didn't want to get married or even be with me really. He was however happy with the perks of living on my house rent free and regular sex.

My DH told me after 2 months he wants to marry me and was actually going around telling everyone. He proposed after 15 months and we were married on our 2 year anniversary. When a man knows, he knows and shows it with actions rather than just words.

Another one who thinks that if he wanted to marry you, you would be married by now. Same goes for men who won't commit to babies then split up and have a baby with the next gf in under a year.

He may well want to get married.

But he does not want to get married to you. (Sorry 😔)