Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Will he ever marry me?

98 replies

Lola756 · 22/08/2023 15:27

I’m still holding out hope that my ex that I was with for 8 years will marry me. He had about 5 wobbles in our relationship and I decided enough was enough.

He’s now saying he’ll commit and doesn’t want to lose me so I said if you are serious then make a wedding date - we were engaged for 4 years before the breakup. His response was you need to show me you’re committed and then I’ll jump through hoops for you.

The reason he said this was because where he’s mucked me around so many times I’m guarded. He doesn’t seem to understand that I need this from him to show me he’s serious. I never once in our whole relationship ever cheated , changed my mind or made him doubt me. So it’s confusing why he says I need to prove to him? Everytime he messed up in our relationship I stood by him and forgave him.

I need some advice please - my friends and family say he’s never going to commit , he would have done by now. They think he’s controlling and emotionally abusive. I just can’t see it and truly hoping he’s being serious.

OP posts:
SunsizOut · 23/08/2023 08:20

No I don’t think he will marry you.

Orangeinmybluelightcup · 23/08/2023 08:22

Even if he did marry you, it's unlikely to completely change his shitty behaviour, it's just a piece of paper.
He's shown you who he is.

YoBeaches · 23/08/2023 08:23

Just remember that being married doesn't change his behaviour. It just makes it harder for you to leave.

I think you should stick to your guns. He is making you doubt yourself, you know deep down this isn't a good relationship.

Block him, make a fresh break.

PaminaMozart · 23/08/2023 08:28

Of course you shouldn't marry a cheating, manipulative, emotionally abusive slimebag. Though the choice isn't actually yours because HE will NEVER marry you.

What you should do is spend some time investing in yourself and your future.

Can you afford counselling?

Alternatively, or in addition, read:
Women Who Love Too Much, and
The Six Pillars of Self Esteem

Hibiscrubbed · 23/08/2023 08:38

I need some advice please - my friends and family say he’s never going to commit , he would have done by now. They think he’s controlling and emotionally abusive. I just can’t see it and truly hoping he’s being serious

Your friends are on the money.

Do not waste any more of your thirties on this non-committal, time wasting liar. He wants a regular shag, not a wife.

cracktheshutters · 23/08/2023 08:48

Lola756 · 22/08/2023 15:27

I’m still holding out hope that my ex that I was with for 8 years will marry me. He had about 5 wobbles in our relationship and I decided enough was enough.

He’s now saying he’ll commit and doesn’t want to lose me so I said if you are serious then make a wedding date - we were engaged for 4 years before the breakup. His response was you need to show me you’re committed and then I’ll jump through hoops for you.

The reason he said this was because where he’s mucked me around so many times I’m guarded. He doesn’t seem to understand that I need this from him to show me he’s serious. I never once in our whole relationship ever cheated , changed my mind or made him doubt me. So it’s confusing why he says I need to prove to him? Everytime he messed up in our relationship I stood by him and forgave him.

I need some advice please - my friends and family say he’s never going to commit , he would have done by now. They think he’s controlling and emotionally abusive. I just can’t see it and truly hoping he’s being serious.

What do you mean by 5 ‘wobbles’?

IDontLoveTheWayYouLie · 23/08/2023 08:51

He's not going to marry you and on the slight chance that he will, he will still be a dick and it won't last.

Silkiebunny · 23/08/2023 08:52

Stop wasting your life on this man and learn to value yourself more, you deserve better than this. Why would you want to marry a man like this, he won't change and it will tie you to him. Find a man who respects you and treats you well, the first step in that is having some love for yourself and boundaries of acceptable behaviour.

Brumbies · 23/08/2023 08:58

Your name isn't Sam Faiers is it?

Lottapianos · 23/08/2023 09:07

Sounds like your friends and family can see him much more clearly than you can. At the very least, he's a bullshitter and a timewaster. Why on earth would you want to marry someone like that?

You've identified the problem very clearly - you don't think anyone else will want you. You think this waste of space is all you deserve. You've experienced a lot of emotional pain in your early life and no doubt you still have very complex feelings about that.

Get rid of this loser for good and get yourself into therapy. I put up with far too much shit in my younger days, and ended up in a violent relationship. Getting out of that and into psychotherapy was the best thing I ever did for myself

caringcarer · 23/08/2023 09:08

Lola756 · 22/08/2023 16:16

I don’t know why I’m so attached to him - I know when I really think about it the way he treats/treated me made me miserable and feel worthless but for some reason I just think it’s going to be different every time.

My confidence is so low I don’t think anyone else would ever want me

Be brave, back yourself and throw him back. You said yourself he made you miserable. Don't marry him or you face a lifetime of misery. If he won't commit to you he wouldn't commit to a child. Honestly OP he's ground you down and stolen your self confidence but you can do so much better. Look for a new relationship where you will be treated with love and respect. Move forward not back to misery.

Original poster
Lola756 · 23/08/2023 11:06

@cracktheshutters by 5 wobbles I mean he’s had times when he’s not been sure what he wanted. So for example if we went away together when we got back he’d say he doesn’t know what he wants. If I asked him do you want to marry me or be with me he’d say he doesn’t know. Then in a couple of days he’d act normal and just carry on.

OP posts:
PaintedEgg · 23/08/2023 12:04

Lola756 · 23/08/2023 11:06

@cracktheshutters by 5 wobbles I mean he’s had times when he’s not been sure what he wanted. So for example if we went away together when we got back he’d say he doesn’t know what he wants. If I asked him do you want to marry me or be with me he’d say he doesn’t know. Then in a couple of days he’d act normal and just carry on.

if he isn't sure if he even wants to date you then you can be 100% he won't marry you

IDontLoveTheWayYouLie · 23/08/2023 12:05

Lola756 · 23/08/2023 11:06

@cracktheshutters by 5 wobbles I mean he’s had times when he’s not been sure what he wanted. So for example if we went away together when we got back he’d say he doesn’t know what he wants. If I asked him do you want to marry me or be with me he’d say he doesn’t know. Then in a couple of days he’d act normal and just carry on.

He doesn't want you. Sorry

ClementWeatherToday · 23/08/2023 14:03

So it’s confusing why he says I need to prove to him?

Why? Because he is a dick. You don't want to marry this man anyway. Even if he married you, you'd be married to HIM. Not the fantasy him in your head, this one, the real one. You want to go no contact with him, get a shedload of therapy, invest in your family and friendships and career and fitness and hobbies, and either meet a nice man and marry him or be single - either of which would be MUCH better options than being Mrs Dick.

Either you will leave him or he will continue to make you miserable forever. There is no happy ending for you if you stay with him - even if he ever married you. Then you'd just be stuck with him. You deserve better.

PinkCherryBlossoms · 23/08/2023 15:08

He sounds unmarriageable. Move on.

BMW6 · 23/08/2023 19:30

Oh OP please please break free. He doesn't want to marry you, he's just mucking you about because he enjoys playing with the power he has over you.

Your friends and family love you and have your best interests at heart. They can see through him and are bang on the money.

Original poster
Lola756 · 23/08/2023 20:24

Thank you - I just feel like sometimes I’m over reacting : so for example - I went away on my own for some downtime , he put a teddy in my suitcase to keep me company but then when I get back the first thing he says Is ‘you’re not tanned at all , doesn’t even look like you’ve been away ‘
Am I right to be confused? Or is this me overthinking?

OP posts:
BCBird · 23/08/2023 20:30

OP, think. Does he deserve to be married to u?

Watchkeys · 23/08/2023 20:30

What do you mean 'Are you right to feel confused'? Right according to what? It's like saying 'Am I right not to like beans?' or 'Am I right to find it hard to play the violin?'.

It's who you are. He is behaving in a way that feels confusing to you. Why do you question how you feel, rather than respecting it and responding to it in a way that helps you feel better?

BeeCucumber · 23/08/2023 20:43

No.

Hibiscrubbed · 23/08/2023 20:44

He’s not nice, @Lola756. He’s actively fucking you about, he’s awaiting your time and he isn’t even kind to you.

Hibiscrubbed · 23/08/2023 20:45

Wasting^

HarridanHarvestingHeldaBeans · 23/08/2023 20:52

This is not loving behaviour from him. He is probably enjoying keeping you insecure and uncertain. Cut off his supply of whatever it is he's getting out of this relationship.

The good thing here is that you have friends who truly care about you. Lean on them, take some time and find the person you really are, then think about finding the person you want to be with.

Pocodaku · 23/08/2023 23:16

Healthy relationships don’t need ultimatums and blackmail. Please listen to your family, they are right.

Swipe left for the next trending thread