Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Will he ever marry me?

98 replies

Lola756 · 22/08/2023 15:27

I’m still holding out hope that my ex that I was with for 8 years will marry me. He had about 5 wobbles in our relationship and I decided enough was enough.

He’s now saying he’ll commit and doesn’t want to lose me so I said if you are serious then make a wedding date - we were engaged for 4 years before the breakup. His response was you need to show me you’re committed and then I’ll jump through hoops for you.

The reason he said this was because where he’s mucked me around so many times I’m guarded. He doesn’t seem to understand that I need this from him to show me he’s serious. I never once in our whole relationship ever cheated , changed my mind or made him doubt me. So it’s confusing why he says I need to prove to him? Everytime he messed up in our relationship I stood by him and forgave him.

I need some advice please - my friends and family say he’s never going to commit , he would have done by now. They think he’s controlling and emotionally abusive. I just can’t see it and truly hoping he’s being serious.

OP posts:
FartSock5000 · 29/08/2023 15:53

@Lola756 he isn't the man for you.

He is manipulative and controlling. You don't deserve to be strung along and abused and he IS abusive.

Please free yourself. At 33 you still have time to meet someone else, fall in love and get married/have kids.

This loser will keep you dangling until the window of opportunity closes and then you'll regret you didn't act now.

Real love doesn't look like what you have. A genuine, deep, lasting love has ups and downs but you'll always know where you stand. There won't be abuse, lies and manipulation.

Original poster
Lola756 · 30/08/2023 00:52

does anyone know if you can report to the police so they can just keep things on file?

OP posts:
PaminaMozart · 30/08/2023 08:12

What do you want to report to police? What has happened?

OhamIreally · 30/08/2023 08:45

What's happened OP? Are you ok?

MarshyMcMarshFace · 30/08/2023 09:01

OP, are you OK?

Please call the police. You can call 101 the non emergency number and talk to someone. Tell them exactly what happened.

I know when I really think about it the way he treats/treated me made me miserable and feel worthless but for some reason I just think it’s going to be different every time.
**
My confidence is so low I don’t think anyone else would ever want me

This is exactly the effect of the way he has behaved. Abuse takes away your confidence and self esteem, and chips away at the ability to rescue yourself.

But you do see what he is doing, and you do have people on your side. Your friends, family and the police.

Please get help. Look after yourself while you can.

Let us know what is happening, OP?

Original poster
Lola756 · 30/08/2023 09:12

Sorry everyone, I didn't mean to worry you. I just received a large amount of messages from him last night that were threatening but not in an obvious way if that makes sense? My anxiety was really high as there have been physical incidents in the past.

I just wanted to know if there was a way I could put it on file without actually pressing charges?

OP posts:
Laurdo · 30/08/2023 10:07

Lola756 · 30/08/2023 09:12

Sorry everyone, I didn't mean to worry you. I just received a large amount of messages from him last night that were threatening but not in an obvious way if that makes sense? My anxiety was really high as there have been physical incidents in the past.

I just wanted to know if there was a way I could put it on file without actually pressing charges?

Absolutely. I'd let them know that you've ended the relationship and have received some messages with a threatening undertone. Let them know that there have been physical incidents in the past. They will keep this on record so if anything further happens you could have a case for a restraining order.

What's your living situation just now? You say you live together but are you planning on staying in the same house until it sells or have one of you moved out? If he's already dragging his heels with selling the house you moving out will likely make that worse however if there's a question over your safety you absolutely need to get out.

RantyAnty · 30/08/2023 10:39

I think a call to women's aid would help.

He's an abusive twat.

Lean on your family and friends.

Work on knocking him off the pedestal you've put him on.

OhComeOnFFS · 30/08/2023 10:44

Your local police should have a policewoman who you can talk to about domestic violence. I think you should talk to her and tell her everything. I'm so sorry - you are with a really awful man and I hope you find a new life away from him.

RedHelenB · 30/08/2023 11:56

There was never any doubt from either of us when I got married. Divorced now, nothing lasts forever but while we were married and before that it was good.

CathyJ30 · 31/08/2023 00:15

I know someone in a similar situation. Her "fiance" has been promising her they will get married, but when she brings it up there is every excuse under the sun. "We don't have enough money" "If you just did this/stopped doing this, we could get married" etc. Dangling her dreams in front of her like a donkey following a carrot. Just so you know, they've been together since 2006. They got engaged in 2007. Hope this gives you your answer.

Original poster
Lola756 · 31/08/2023 14:32

Thank you - I just can't keep up with the confusion, one minute he's being intimidating , then he loves me and then he's like 'Do you honestly think someone will love you as much as me, give you everything you want.'

One minute I'm strong but then he's being so persistent

OP posts:
Hungryfrogs23 · 31/08/2023 14:36

No I don't think he will ever commit. If he wanted to, he would have done it by now.

Secondly. Why would you want to be with a man who needs threats and ultimatums in order to commit?! Surely you want to marry someone who actually wants to marry you without being forced into it?

billy1966 · 31/08/2023 14:37

Please help yourself.

He is absolutely awful.

Abusive and controlling.

Go to the police.

People who care about you have told you the truth.

You will never be happy with this liar.

Do not inflict this loser on a child.

ConnieTucker · 31/08/2023 14:42

one minute he's being intimidating
the next minute you leave.

Katmai · 31/08/2023 14:53

Lola756 · 22/08/2023 16:16

I don’t know why I’m so attached to him - I know when I really think about it the way he treats/treated me made me miserable and feel worthless but for some reason I just think it’s going to be different every time.

My confidence is so low I don’t think anyone else would ever want me

He's done that to you. That's why your confidence is so low. He has made you feel worthless by his horrible treatment of you.

Please don't put up with it any more, he's not a nice person.

MarshyMcMarshFace · 31/08/2023 17:39

OP, in a healthy happy relationship there would be no intimidation. No telling you know one else would have you. No doubts at all. Certainly no ‘physical incidents’ or tearing up your notebook.

A partner should fill you with joy and confidence. Be your rock… whilst you are theirs and they are expressive of how much joy that gives them. He should make you feel safe and secure, relaxed.

You cannot tie yourself legally to a man who attacks you in ‘physical incidents’.

You deserve much better OP. You deserved to be loved, properly.

This man is abusing you.

Ohhbaby · 31/08/2023 17:45

Awh sorry to say it op, but men who really want to marry their girlfriends, do! He had loads of chances. It's the sad state of today's society that he can do this and it's acceptable.
In more conservative societies your dad/brother /uncle/grandad told him long ago 'stop f*cking with my daughter/sister/niece'.

Sorry op there's only one way this play out, he won't change.

And even if you did end up getting him to marry you, would you really like to be married to someone where you'll always feel like you pressured him into it.

Original poster
Lola756 · 31/08/2023 19:25

im starting to see all of this now and I can see there’s a light.

I just need to work out how to stay strong when he’s trying to talk me round. I ignore his messages (unless it’s do with the house ) but then he just sends more.

OP posts:
Pixiedust1234 · 01/09/2023 09:42

Can you block his texts? If he really needs information regarding the house (assume that's due to him having a financial interest in it) then use a one off email for him to contact you on. The benefits are twofold. You only have to check it once a week and it leaves a paper trail. Men like him don't like leaving trails 😉

Mmhmmn · 25/09/2023 19:36

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Mmhmmn · 25/09/2023 19:40

So glad you’ve seen through him OP. Stay strong! You deserve better.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page