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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My husband randomly left and left me alone with our 5 month old baby

87 replies

BBB23 · 20/08/2023 08:50

He hasn’t been himself the past couple of months. About 2 months ago , our dog died and he became really depressed after this . Even though I was upset too my feelings felt like they were invalid as he was so down. I did everything round the house and for our baby boy as I knew he was stressed and not himself. About 2 weeks ago, he said he didn’t feel happy with me anymore and moved into his moms house. I was so shocked he said this, he’d been down about the dog and stressed. He hasn’t been himself I thought he may have postnatal depression as he’s been so down and also angry at times. A few weeks ago I asked him to go doctors about the way he’s been feeling and to work on things for me and our baby. He went and they said he may have ADHD I don’t feel like he told them the full story. And after that he was saying he’d get help and didn’t want to lose me and me and our baby was his world. So this is why I was so shocked when he suddenly left two weeks ago as I never thought there was issues in our relationship. We adopted another dog a month or so ago as he begged me to get one after the loss of our other dog but I’ve had to give the dog to him at his moms as I can’t cope with a baby and a new dog alone. I feel guilty on the dog too. I asked my husband what was wrong when he left, he said he’d been speaking to a girl at work for the past 2 weeks (he’s never actually met her and she lives 3 hours away) and she gets him unlike me (his wife of 2 years and partner for 13?!!) . I know his not thinking straight and doesn’t know what he’s doing. I even messaged this girl to see if there was anything to it and she just said she was talking to him as he was showing really concerning signs when they spoke about work and she just wanted to help but nothing more than that and she’s never met him and never will. He’s completely shut me out , acting completely different, telling me this other girl is pretty, saying anything to make me feel so down and so low. I know this isn’t him and he always used to adore me and our baby and now he doesn’t even ask about the baby either it’s like he doesn’t care about anything. He’d stopped going out with his friends the past two months too and now his at his moms his started seeing them all again! I just know his not this person that’s been lashing out and shutting me out at all. I know I should give him space and leave him alone but I am really worried about him because he is really down and even his mom and friends are starting to see it. But then how much disrespect do I take?! His my world and I just wish we could be back to ourselves and happy as a family.

OP posts:

Feverly · 20/08/2023 08:54

Well it is him. He’s chosen to persue a mistress, dumped you and his infant-that’s lowlife scum behaviour. If he’s depressed, he’s a grown man who can access antidepressants and therapy and take responsibility for himself.
If you want him back, you’ll need std tests and for him to do huge amounts of work on building your marriage after his betrayals. He hasn’t got your back, he’s a deadbeat and I’d be repulsed.

Original poster

BBB23 · 20/08/2023 08:57

He hasn’t even met this woman though. She told me that and he did too. He said his stopped speaking to her now to focus on himself and there’s no way he would have had chance to meet her. I don’t think he’s actually done anything as he hasn’t been anywhere but at his moms. He hasn’t even been at work the past couple of weeks. I don’t get what is going on with him but we’ve been together 13 years and he’s never done anything like this.

OP posts:

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 20/08/2023 09:00

Leave him to it. He doesn’t sound like a superstar tbh. I think you deserve better. He’s probably got baby jealousy. Lots of child men do, and then leave the relationship as they are ‘depressed’ about not having all the attention.

Andthereyougo · 20/08/2023 09:08

He’s realised a child is a lifelong commitment so has checked out. If he doesn’t ask about his child he can pretend he doesn’t exist.
The talking to a female colleague, telling you she’s pretty is very teenage-like behaviour, immature. @ArseInTheCoOpWindow is probably right with he’s not the centre of your attention either.
He’s old enough to see hisGP, access antidepressants access therapy. He seems to be enjoying himself with his friends so maybe that not that depressed.
Start with financial arrangements, child support, his contribution towards bills etc.. start being formal with him. How that goes will give you an indication of whether he’s checked out for good.

Dery · 20/08/2023 09:08

“Leave him to it. He doesn’t sound like a superstar tbh. I think you deserve better. He’s probably got baby jealousy. Lots of child men do, and then leave the relationship as they are ‘depressed’ about not having all the attention.”

This. Sounds like he’s sulking because he’s no longer the centre of your attention. He’s buggered off because there’s a woman at work who “understands” him. How pathetic. What a cliche.

Needanewnamebeingwatched · 20/08/2023 09:09

He's not depressed he's had his head turn and she now sits in his head and consumes him.

He sees you and the kids as a barrier to what he wants, even if she isn't interested. She needs to block him and you need to leave him.

When do men just get to walk away from the kids without a seconds thought

NOTANUM · 20/08/2023 09:29

I’m so sorry 💐 This must be SO hard..

If I were you, I’d take him at face value- he wants out. Firstly he can come pick up the dog or arrange for him to be rehomed. This is a time suck and expense you can’t afford and it was his idea in the first place. (Yes I’m a dog lover but you’ve got too much going on).

Secondly talk to a solicitor and get the ball rolling on a financial agreement. Assuming you’re on mat leave you will need to make arrangements for paying nursery and living expenses and despite his new found love of independence, he needs to step up.

Sorry to sound mean but if he’s depressed or having a breakdown, let his own family and friends help him. You’re picking up literally everything else here; it’s the least they can do. But my guess is he’s having cold feet about settling down and wants a different life.

You have my full sympathies OP, he sounds rubbish.

Original poster

BBB23 · 20/08/2023 09:32

He has agreed to keep paying for the bills and mortgage and everything whilst I’m on maternity leave so I hope he sticks to that. He has the dog with him. The thing is he wanted a baby as much as me and we’ve been together 13 years and he’s never been like this before. I thought we was in love and happy , i just don’t understand 😖😖

OP posts:

VictoriaVenkman · 20/08/2023 09:48

Sorry you are going through this

You say a few times this isn't like him and you have been together a long time but the change is your baby. I suspect this is what has changed his behaviour, the reality of family life and he wants out.

Coley32 · 20/08/2023 10:02

Babies change men … all your attention is on baby he seeks attention elsewhere .

instead of helping you and his child talk as you go along but some men don’t get that and find it easier just being a part time dad

Original poster

BBB23 · 20/08/2023 10:12

Yeah he still cares about what I’m doing too. He even said to me the other day I don’t want any other men around my son, I don’t get him I’ve been nothing but faithful to him and he wants to leave me and dictate my life?! I don’t want to speak to any other men right now that’s the last thing on my mind, I’m just focusing on me and my baby

OP posts:

determinedtomakethiswork · 20/08/2023 10:56

That's not caring about you, that's him trying to control you. He's saying it's okay for him to see other people but not okay for you to do that. I think it's good you're having a break from him and I think you might identify soon that this wasn't a good relationship for you.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 20/08/2023 11:01

He even said to me the other day I don’t want any other men around my son

Oh he did? then point out that if he's so worried about his son he might want to start acting like a father.

He left. He doesn't get a say about what you do and who you see. Controlling little git.

FutureThroughLensOfThePast · 20/08/2023 11:06

He even said to me the other day I don’t want any other men around my son

He's left you - he doesn't get to dictate what men you see.

Dery · 20/08/2023 11:10

“He even said to me the other day I don’t want any other men around my son

Oh he did? then point out that if he's so worried about his son he might want to start acting like a father.

He left. He doesn't get a say about what you do and who you see. Controlling little git.”

This. You say he’s never been like this in 13 years. But the difference is he had your undivided attention for nearly all of those 13 years and he doesn’t like sharing it. So he seeks solace from another woman. He’s clearly very immature. It sounds like you got together very young but whereas you’ve grown up, he hasn’t.

LookingForPurpose · 20/08/2023 11:26

BBB23 · 20/08/2023 10:12

If you want to try and save your marriage, The very best thing you can do right now is stop contacting him totally. Carry on with your life, even go out of your way to increase your activity levels. Go to baby groups, visit friends. Be busy. So busy you can't message him for no reason. Fake it till you make it. Get a hair cut, get your nails done, but a new outfit. Act like he is totally and utterly redundant . If he messages asking about his child, say " he's fine thanks " and send a photo. That's it. You hanging around waiting for him , pleading with him to change, is not going to work. But if he thinks you are moving on, I bet a penny to a pound that he crawls back and THEN you can bargain with him for trying therapy etc.

Personally I would kick him to the kerb and move on for real. What a snake, who walks out on a new baby and a partner of that long with no reason?

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 20/08/2023 11:42

Yeah he still cares about what I’m doing too

He doesn't care about you. If he cared he wouldn't have left. He's keeping you warm in case this new free life and the girl at work who 'gets him' 🙄doesn't work out so he's got a life and house and wife to come crawling back to.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 20/08/2023 11:44

Sorry, that sounds harsh and it wasn't meant to, but I read this so much on here and I had the same - two years of manchild DH going back and forth between me and the OW.

Good advice from @LookingForPurpose - act as if whether he's there or not isn't important because you have your life, while you decide what to do. Personally I'd boot him but I don't have a 5 month old.

Velvian · 20/08/2023 11:46

I'm sorry you're going through this @BBB23 . Stop checking in on him. Start worrying about how he is treating you. You can't trust him or rely on him, he is not a team player. Has his mum been in touch?

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 20/08/2023 11:47

He has agreed to keep paying for the bills and mortgage and everything whilst I’m on maternity leave so I hope he sticks to that

Don't hope, get an agreement in place.

Doyoumind · 20/08/2023 11:50

Stop making excuses for him. He's checked out of family life and even started looking for a relationship elsewhere, leaving you alone with a young baby.

If he's genuinely depressed there are things he can do to help himself, but it sounds like he's sulking at the change to his life and loss of attention. Leave him to it and plan a future without him.

Original poster

BBB23 · 20/08/2023 11:50

Yeah she said that he isn’t himself and he needs to get his head sorted. She said that he’s sorry he is doing this to me and said he hopes he sorts himself out. But then to him she told him he’s always welcome back at hers.

OP posts:

Dotcheck · 20/08/2023 11:51

Needanewnamebeingwatched · 20/08/2023 09:09

He's not depressed he's had his head turn and she now sits in his head and consumes him.

He sees you and the kids as a barrier to what he wants, even if she isn't interested. She needs to block him and you need to leave him.

When do men just get to walk away from the kids without a seconds thought

This.

He’s not messaging her because he’s depressed, he has pushed you out because you and your little have become an inconvenience

ChaToilLeam · 20/08/2023 11:53

What a miserable, selfish prick he is.

He doesn’t get to dictate to you what you do. He left. Full stop. If he wants to be a father he should act like one.

AluckyEllie · 20/08/2023 11:55

Even if nothing happens with this other woman- he was happy to leave you and his baby. You’ll never be able to trust him again, he could do it again as soon as he feels like it. And if you take him back he’ll know he can do whatever he wants and you’ll accept it.

Start planning for a future without him. What will you do for childcare? Do you have enough savings to buy him out of the house? Be prepared that he will stop paying bills/mortgage at some point and know how to go for child maintenance. Get proof of his income now.

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