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Original poster

My husband randomly left and left me alone with our 5 month old baby

87 replies

BBB23 · 20/08/2023 08:50

He hasn’t been himself the past couple of months. About 2 months ago , our dog died and he became really depressed after this . Even though I was upset too my feelings felt like they were invalid as he was so down. I did everything round the house and for our baby boy as I knew he was stressed and not himself. About 2 weeks ago, he said he didn’t feel happy with me anymore and moved into his moms house. I was so shocked he said this, he’d been down about the dog and stressed. He hasn’t been himself I thought he may have postnatal depression as he’s been so down and also angry at times. A few weeks ago I asked him to go doctors about the way he’s been feeling and to work on things for me and our baby. He went and they said he may have ADHD I don’t feel like he told them the full story. And after that he was saying he’d get help and didn’t want to lose me and me and our baby was his world. So this is why I was so shocked when he suddenly left two weeks ago as I never thought there was issues in our relationship. We adopted another dog a month or so ago as he begged me to get one after the loss of our other dog but I’ve had to give the dog to him at his moms as I can’t cope with a baby and a new dog alone. I feel guilty on the dog too. I asked my husband what was wrong when he left, he said he’d been speaking to a girl at work for the past 2 weeks (he’s never actually met her and she lives 3 hours away) and she gets him unlike me (his wife of 2 years and partner for 13?!!) . I know his not thinking straight and doesn’t know what he’s doing. I even messaged this girl to see if there was anything to it and she just said she was talking to him as he was showing really concerning signs when they spoke about work and she just wanted to help but nothing more than that and she’s never met him and never will. He’s completely shut me out , acting completely different, telling me this other girl is pretty, saying anything to make me feel so down and so low. I know this isn’t him and he always used to adore me and our baby and now he doesn’t even ask about the baby either it’s like he doesn’t care about anything. He’d stopped going out with his friends the past two months too and now his at his moms his started seeing them all again! I just know his not this person that’s been lashing out and shutting me out at all. I know I should give him space and leave him alone but I am really worried about him because he is really down and even his mom and friends are starting to see it. But then how much disrespect do I take?! His my world and I just wish we could be back to ourselves and happy as a family.

OP posts:
LifeIsShitJustNow · 20/08/2023 13:06

People with MH issues can and do mask. They look all ok when seeing friends but crumble inside. You just have to see how many people commit suicide and no one around them knew how much they struggled.
(NOT saying this is where your DH is @BBB23 !!!)

And from what you say, he is struggling.

The problem here is that he has shut the door between you and him and you can’t do anything to help him now. Maybe that was intentional (deluded thinking that he wouldn’t be burden to you then?) or unintentional.

Unfortunately, it means the only thing you can do right now is concentrate on yourself and your dcs. You can’t help him and only he can help himself.
My advice would be to treat the whole situation as him having broken up with you (which he did) and you rebuilding your life for yourself. He might come to his sense/seek help and realise how crap his behaviour was. Or he might not fur a few years. You can’t put your life and the Life if your dc on hold.

dottiedodah · 20/08/2023 13:08

You are in a tight spot I think.You have a small baby to look after ,and your DH has decided he cant cope! I think you may be right, he is depressed by the sounds of it .However messaging other women ,and saying you cannot see other men in the future is really off.You need to concentrate on yours and babes futures .Dont wait around for him to "make up his mind" sounds like being a Dad may not be for him after all.

LifeIsShitJustNow · 20/08/2023 13:09

bestbefore · 20/08/2023 12:52

I think he needs to see the GP. Has he? What does his mum say?
I can't believe everyone is saying dump him. I think you need to give him a chance to about what's happening to someone else. Mental health can be fragile & maybe he is having some sort of breakdown?

The problem here is that HE dumped her already.

Which means the OP can’t be there for him, support him etc… He did his best to ensure she couldn’t do that, even down to apparently inventing an OW.

What else is the OP supposed to do but to act like they are separated!

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 20/08/2023 13:17

I think he needs to see the GP. Has he? What does his mum say?
I can't believe everyone is saying dump him. I think you need to give him a chance to about what's happening to someone else. Mental health can be fragile & maybe he is having some sort of breakdown?

Maybe he is. Maybe he isn't. The reality is he's walked out on a wife and 5 month old baby and he's messaging another woman who 'gets him' while still using the OP's car and telling her he doesn't want other men around his son. The son he walked out on, along with that son's mother.

Frankly, if anyone's entitled to a breakdown it's OP.

Persipan · 20/08/2023 13:19

OP, I get the sense that you're desperately seeking a way to get things back to how they were, and I'm so sorry but there isn't one. Because even if he magically woke up tomorrow and went 'ah, I see it now, this was all just depression from which I have magically been cured' that won't change the fact that his response, in this set of circumstances, was to behave like an absolute shitbag towards you. The door to future shitbaggery in the face of minor adversity would always be open.

And he has been vile. Trippng over himself to clarify that it's you that he's left, personally and specifically, and that the baby just sort of happened to be there? That's just deliberately nasty. Dangling the woman he's infatuated with in front of you while insisting there shouldn't be men in your life? Incredibly self-centred. I get that you think he's depressed but that does not excuse how he's behaving, and nor does he seem in the least bit repentant for any of that - quite the reverse, he seems to want to be able to go on doing it unimpeded. In your position, I would be expecting and planning to be flying solo from here on in. I'm really sorry because I know it's a bolt from the blue, but that's what it looks like from the outside.

tweetsandchirps · 20/08/2023 13:20

he is probably best at his mums. The fixation on the other woman is just probably a distraction from the daily reality of having a baby. I had a friend whose partner just walked out one evening on her & their baby. The responsibility suddenly hit & could not cope.

Do you have a midwife or health visitor who you can talk to as they have probably seen this before.

But He even said to me the other day I don’t want any other men around my son, is not on. You have been left to fend for yourself here- he does not get a say. You wanted a father for your son & he is not exactly fulfilling this role.

Elleviss · 20/08/2023 13:29

My ex did this, pretending he was upset about the dog, got another dog then he left me for OW. His sadness stemmed from guilt of leaving us all and moving 100 miles away.

I think the OW in your case is lying for him.

Please try and move on from the lying cheat.

Dery · 20/08/2023 13:30

“And he has been vile. Trippng over himself to clarify that it's you that he's left, personally and specifically, and that the baby just sort of happened to be there? That's just deliberately nasty. Dangling the woman he's infatuated with in front of you while insisting there shouldn't be men in your life? Incredibly self-centred. I get that you think he's depressed but that does not excuse how he's behaving, and nor does he seem in the least bit repentant for any of that - quite the reverse, he seems to want to be able to go on doing it unimpeded. In your position, I would be expecting and planning to be flying solo from here on in. I'm really sorry because I know it's a bolt from the blue, but that's what it looks like from the outside.”

This.

Original poster
BBB23 · 20/08/2023 13:30

If I say anything about the baby to him, he’ll be like I can cope I’ll have him whenever you want me to I can have him here with me. He can’t cope at all. Before he left he sent me a video of him crying whilst I was at the gym for the first time. I don’t want to leave my baby with him at the moment the way he is. I know I can’t stop him if he wants to see him but I’m not going out my way to make him see his own son he should want to. I have spoke to my own GP and a support worker from a baby group. They both said it does sound like postnatal depression in men.

OP posts:
MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 20/08/2023 13:31

OP - why ARE you so bothered about him and not yourself?

Original poster
BBB23 · 20/08/2023 13:33

you’re right , I don’t know he’s always been my everything all I’ve known, maybe I’ve always done everything for him. Too much probably.

OP posts:
MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 20/08/2023 13:35

And as repayment for everything you've done he's shat on you from a great height.

Read and re-read Persipan's post.

Doyoumind · 20/08/2023 13:37

BBB23 · 20/08/2023 13:30

If I say anything about the baby to him, he’ll be like I can cope I’ll have him whenever you want me to I can have him here with me. He can’t cope at all. Before he left he sent me a video of him crying whilst I was at the gym for the first time. I don’t want to leave my baby with him at the moment the way he is. I know I can’t stop him if he wants to see him but I’m not going out my way to make him see his own son he should want to. I have spoke to my own GP and a support worker from a baby group. They both said it does sound like postnatal depression in men.

He sent you a video of him crying when you went to the gym? Oh please. That's not depression. It's manipulation. Fuck him.

Original poster
BBB23 · 20/08/2023 13:43

Of the baby crying not him

OP posts:
MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 20/08/2023 13:43

He sent you a video of him crying when you went to the gym? Oh please. That's not depression. It's manipulation. Fuck him

Does rather tie in with the control issue of not having other men around his son, doesn't it? how DARE OP go to the gym and leave him with a crying baby! I bet if OP thinks about it she'll remember a few other happenings like this; like him having her car so he can come and go as he pleases while it means she can't use it.

PrincessTigger · 20/08/2023 13:45

He sounds really selfish, I understand why you want to find reasons he’s not responsible for his own actions but PND doesn’t make you become infatuated with some rando at work when you have a baby at home.

Doyoumind · 20/08/2023 13:47

BBB23 · 20/08/2023 13:43

Of the baby crying not him

It's still manipulative. You were having some time to yourself for the first time and instead of letting you get on with it and dealing with the baby himself he made you feel guilty.

Clymene · 20/08/2023 13:56

I don't think he's depressed. I think he's wracked with guilt and self-pity. If it's not this colleague at work, it's someone else.

I wouldn't be surprised if he felt sorry for himself because you were no longer focusing on him (you said you do everything for him) so he shagged another woman because he was angry with you. And now he realises he's blown up his marriage

Dery · 20/08/2023 14:18

@BBB23 - stop focusing on what he says and does. Who cares? He’s just a manchild who’s buggered off because he no longer has your undivided attention. He’s useless to you.

Dery · 20/08/2023 14:19

And for future relationships - never do everything for a man. That’s really unhealthy.

Kizzy192 · 20/08/2023 14:23

Postnatal depression can happen to men too. Baby causes actual changes to their brain chemistry. However, doesn't make up for how he's treated you both. He's a parent now and needs to be mature enough to seek help (therapy, pills, etc). Sounds like couples therapy would be a good place to start if you are both interested in being together again but after all this you would be more than reasonable to choose not too. Good luck OP.

Aikko · 20/08/2023 16:34

He’s having an affair and is not man enough to admit it to you.

Needanewnamebeingwatched · 21/08/2023 12:50

Fucking hell what a controlling arse.

Guaranteed you come back in a few months stating he has a "new GF" the one he has now.

He isn't depressed, he is wrestling with his conscience, you and the baby and the new crush

VictoriaVenkman · 22/08/2023 08:26

How are you feeling today OP? @BBB23

Original poster
BBB23 · 22/08/2023 08:30

I’m not great to be honest, I'm finding it hard being home without him here but I’m trying to shut him out but it’s hard when we have a baby together. He come round last night to see our son and bath him for the first time in two weeks. He still tries to turn everything on me and make me out to be a bad person, yesterday he was saying I messaged his mom to make him like unstable when he isn’t. I only messaged his mom because I cared and wanted him to get help as I know he’s been down , not for any other reason.

OP posts:
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