My husband randomly left and left me alone with our 5 month old baby

[BBB23]

He hasn’t been himself the past couple of months. About 2 months ago , our dog died and he became really depressed after this . Even though I was upset too my feelings felt like they were invalid as he was so down. I did everything round the house and for our baby boy as I knew he was stressed and not himself. About 2 weeks ago, he said he didn’t feel happy with me anymore and moved into his moms house. I was so shocked he said this, he’d been down about the dog and stressed. He hasn’t been himself I thought he may have postnatal depression as he’s been so down and also angry at times. A few weeks ago I asked him to go doctors about the way he’s been feeling and to work on things for me and our baby. He went and they said he may have ADHD I don’t feel like he told them the full story. And after that he was saying he’d get help and didn’t want to lose me and me and our baby was his world. So this is why I was so shocked when he suddenly left two weeks ago as I never thought there was issues in our relationship. We adopted another dog a month or so ago as he begged me to get one after the loss of our other dog but I’ve had to give the dog to him at his moms as I can’t cope with a baby and a new dog alone. I feel guilty on the dog too. I asked my husband what was wrong when he left, he said he’d been speaking to a girl at work for the past 2 weeks (he’s never actually met her and she lives 3 hours away) and she gets him unlike me (his wife of 2 years and partner for 13?!!) . I know his not thinking straight and doesn’t know what he’s doing. I even messaged this girl to see if there was anything to it and she just said she was talking to him as he was showing really concerning signs when they spoke about work and she just wanted to help but nothing more than that and she’s never met him and never will. He’s completely shut me out , acting completely different, telling me this other girl is pretty, saying anything to make me feel so down and so low. I know this isn’t him and he always used to adore me and our baby and now he doesn’t even ask about the baby either it’s like he doesn’t care about anything. He’d stopped going out with his friends the past two months too and now his at his moms his started seeing them all again! I just know his not this person that’s been lashing out and shutting me out at all. I know I should give him space and leave him alone but I am really worried about him because he is really down and even his mom and friends are starting to see it. But then how much disrespect do I take?! His my world and I just wish we could be back to ourselves and happy as a family.

I only messaged his mom because I cared and wanted him to get help as I know he’s been down , not for any other reason

Do you know what strikes me, OP? all your concern is for him, as if he's another child and not a (presumably capable) adult. Where's your concern for you in all this and who's supporting you? look at how he accuses you of something in a manipulative way and you jump to 'well, I was only trying to help him' instead of telling him to zip it, you don't want to hear it.

Agree with PP.
He has stopped caring about you.
So you need to stop caring about him.

He sounds depressed . Shutting himself in a room at his mum's , not going to work for two weeks isn't normal behaviour . You said he's seeing a GP so maybe it'll get sorted . I'm guessing the girl was a distraction .

However , you have to look after yourself and your baby , it's difficult but try to not dwell on him so much and get on with your life . Maybe it'll sort itself out but only if he genuinely is depressed and gets/follows treatment .

This. It's as simple as that. Some men just can't deal with being a Dad.
And OP, even if he sorts his head out and comes back to the relationship (which is doubtful) you will always worry about him doing this again. So I'm sorry to say, the sooner you accept this relationship is over, the better really. As horrible and hard as this is, you are going to be absolutely fine, in fact you and your DC are much better off!

You’re right I wish I could stop caring about him, but my feelings for him haven’t just gone away. I’m trying to act like I’m not bothered but I am. I have some great friends and my mom and dad helping me so I am lucky in that respect .

Hi sent you a video of your baby crying when you were at the gym? What an uncaring, selfish arse he is. It's no coincidence it was the first time you'd gone back to the gym.... his message was clear. He was trying to manipulate you not to go again. To make you feel guilty for leaving your baby to do something for yourself. I could be furious at him for that alone.

I think he's been fine until you had a baby. Then your attention was (entirely normally) focussed on your baby's first. And he's too selfish and immature to deal with that. He thinks HE should be the centre of your world. So he seeks attention elsewhere. Finds another woman to flatter his ego. Starts pretending your baby doesn't exist (ie moves out). Begrudges you going to the gym and having a life that doesn't centre on HIM.

He may be depressed (although I'm not sure a symptom of depression is chatting up other women) but if he is, it's down to him to seek proper help. And in the meantime it shouldn't stop him being a hlaf decent husband and father. He's selfish. And immature. I couldn't respect him.

... meant to say, I don't think it's depression - the timing suggests it's all to do with him not being the centre of your world anymore.

@BBB23 massive squishes firstly.

secondly have you spoken to your/his go, health visitor etc about your concerns.

I certainly wouldn’t be leaving him alone with his child right now. He behaviour just waves too many flags for me.

if he isn’t at work is it because he’s signed off with stress or depression? That and sending you videos of your child crying in his care would be a massive flag that he isn’t suitable and can’t cope currently with being a suitable parent.

id seek legal advice on what to do to protect yourself from a solicitor if you find one that does a free consultation.

id also give this a timeline - share it with him or not - have a deadline for when you have to decide ( never mind him deciding what he wants to happen) what to do next. It’s been two weeks of limbo now. What next. You don’t want to be no further forward in 3 months time.

would couples counselling be a step forward. I don’t really think he’s in any fit state to do it but it’s something?

I’d also step back from communicating with him unless it’s essential. Make him do the legwork instead. Right now he’s happy at mummies and everyone’s running around pandering to the poor confused chap. He might be depressed but frankly with a wife and child he needs to step up, communicate with you and take action. I say this as someone with periodic deep depression. I still have a partner and children that need me to be present. I suggest the low contact/grey rock technique for now.

and more squishes. It’s shitty and I hope you have a resolution soon.

I think some tough love is required now. Either he steps up and starts sorting himself out or he gets out. You need to take a back seat & focus on how you would cope without him longer term if it comes to that. Stop making all the effort & see what he does.

thus is not your fault - he is probably feeling left out at not been the focus of your attention & is sulking.

his actions make him seem unstable- nothing you have said or done.

You’re right, I am just focusing on me and my baby now. If he wants to get help it’s on him I can’t do anymore or deal with anymore disrespect. What will be will be.

I actually do think there may be something wrong with him. This other woman said he was saying 'concerning' things to her, which doesn't tie in with something as straightforward as him having his head turned. Although this may also be true.
However, none of us are are in a position to diagnose a mental health crisis or predict the trajectory that may follow, and nor are you.
All you have is the behaviour in front of you and how you respond to that. Whether it's illness, selfishness or checking out, it looks the same. So you need to have a plan to deal with it which prioritises your baby and yourself.
For me this would mean keeping my distance while he sorts himself out. Gathering other forms of support around you and keeping your expectations of your future with him low.

I know he isn’t right. I honestly don’t think this woman is lying for him either, she said she was concerned about him and she hasn’t spoke to him since and only tried to help him through a bad time. She said that she is going through her own stuff and won’t be working there soon so definitely won’t be speaking to him again. I think the whole thing with her is honestly in his head and a distraction from his depression. But at the same I am just taking a step back because I can’t help him anymore. It breaks my heart because we’ve been together 13 years and we’ve never experience anything like this I thought we was always happy. I thought he was my soulmate. I guess it’s up to him now to sort himself out.