Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My husband randomly left and left me alone with our 5 month old baby

87 replies

BBB23 · 20/08/2023 08:50

He hasn’t been himself the past couple of months. About 2 months ago , our dog died and he became really depressed after this . Even though I was upset too my feelings felt like they were invalid as he was so down. I did everything round the house and for our baby boy as I knew he was stressed and not himself. About 2 weeks ago, he said he didn’t feel happy with me anymore and moved into his moms house. I was so shocked he said this, he’d been down about the dog and stressed. He hasn’t been himself I thought he may have postnatal depression as he’s been so down and also angry at times. A few weeks ago I asked him to go doctors about the way he’s been feeling and to work on things for me and our baby. He went and they said he may have ADHD I don’t feel like he told them the full story. And after that he was saying he’d get help and didn’t want to lose me and me and our baby was his world. So this is why I was so shocked when he suddenly left two weeks ago as I never thought there was issues in our relationship. We adopted another dog a month or so ago as he begged me to get one after the loss of our other dog but I’ve had to give the dog to him at his moms as I can’t cope with a baby and a new dog alone. I feel guilty on the dog too. I asked my husband what was wrong when he left, he said he’d been speaking to a girl at work for the past 2 weeks (he’s never actually met her and she lives 3 hours away) and she gets him unlike me (his wife of 2 years and partner for 13?!!) . I know his not thinking straight and doesn’t know what he’s doing. I even messaged this girl to see if there was anything to it and she just said she was talking to him as he was showing really concerning signs when they spoke about work and she just wanted to help but nothing more than that and she’s never met him and never will. He’s completely shut me out , acting completely different, telling me this other girl is pretty, saying anything to make me feel so down and so low. I know this isn’t him and he always used to adore me and our baby and now he doesn’t even ask about the baby either it’s like he doesn’t care about anything. He’d stopped going out with his friends the past two months too and now his at his moms his started seeing them all again! I just know his not this person that’s been lashing out and shutting me out at all. I know I should give him space and leave him alone but I am really worried about him because he is really down and even his mom and friends are starting to see it. But then how much disrespect do I take?! His my world and I just wish we could be back to ourselves and happy as a family.

OP posts:
FiddleLeaf · 20/08/2023 11:57

He’s treating you so poorly and to actively pursue another women is horrific. There is no excuse.

Put yourself first, think about how you’re feeling.

Keep busy and talk to friends. I would communicate with him as little as possible.

kweeble · 20/08/2023 11:59

I think you should act as if you’re on your own from now and get yourself a bank account and make a Universal Credit claim as a lone parent.
Collect any financial info that you can and be ready to take over payment of bills if he stops. You’ll need to do a CMS claim in time. Do what you can to keep your house - call Gingerbrrad or Womens Aid for advice. Entitled to is a good website for working out what you can claim; you can never trust him again so look out for yourself and your baby.

Mintyt · 20/08/2023 12:05

I think he is depressed, but only he can sort it out, the speaking to the other colleague is a side issue and nothing to worry about. I also admire you for talking to her and passing the dog to him. I would give him some space. Ask him what he wants. If he wants you tell him he needs to sort himself out, get medication, and get himself better. Tell him you will wait but not forever and then really try not to contact him at all. Get out, see friends and family enjoy your mat leave and your baby. Things will settle I'm sure, be brave

Valerie23 · 20/08/2023 12:07

He's checked out of the relationship.

Dery · 20/08/2023 12:10

“Even if nothing happens with this other woman- he was happy to leave you and his baby. You’ll never be able to trust him again, he could do it again as soon as he feels like it. And if you take him back he’ll know he can do whatever he wants and you’ll accept it.

Start planning for a future without him. What will you do for childcare? Do you have enough savings to buy him out of the house? Be prepared that he will stop paying bills/mortgage at some point and know how to go for child maintenance. Get proof of his income now.”

This.

Ghilli · 20/08/2023 12:10

Stop enabling him. He wants to go off and chat to other women and tell you that he doesn't want other men round his son? So he doesn't want you, but you're supposed to sit at home and wait for him to call? Fuck that.

See a solicitor. Get legal advice on your position. You don't have to pursue a divorce if you don't want to, but have the information ready in case you need it.

Move paperwork to a safe place, particularly birth certs and passports.

Look up what help may be open to you on entitled to, and work out how much CMS he would need to pay if you put a claim in.

Stop chasing and texting him. Don't get in touch, don't offer information on the baby, just drop the rope. Ignore attempts to make conversation - he's decided to move out, so he doesn't get to use you as a sounding board and for emotional support any more.

Original poster
BBB23 · 20/08/2023 12:12

Thank you I do think he is genuinely depressed all his friends have noticed it. And his family but he does sometimes put on a front with them. That’s what worries me he isn’t himself at all. But this doesn’t excuse his actions, I agree if it will ever work in future he needs help

OP posts:
Clymene · 20/08/2023 12:14

What a weak pathetic manchild and how crap his mother is being enabling his childish behaviour.

I think you need to take back control. Don't hang around waiting and hoping for him to come to his senses. Give him a time limit.

And I'm really sorry he's turned out to be so bloody wet.

UnderCarraigeWoes · 20/08/2023 12:15

The other woman was there before the 'depression' from the dog dying. Said death was a useful catalyst to end your relationship and something to blame. He'd look the nasty cunt he is for just leaving you for her and of course he doesn't want that. Boo hoo, my dog died so I needed comfort from another woman whilst ignoring my wife at the most vulnerable point in her life and my new baby.

It's a well known story that men trot out, it's not you, they haven't been unfaithful, it's something else and low and behold the other woman crawls out of the woodwork.

Do you know he hasn't met this woman for sure, 2 weeks away from work would allow plenty of time for them to meet up. She knew he was married and had a new baby, she's not going to be honest with you is she, she was happy to start a relationship with a married man with a new baby so why be honest to his wife?

Get your ducks in a row and as hurtful as it is look forward and plan your life without him. As much as you can't see a relationship with anyone else in the future tell him to get to fuck dictating who you or your child can be around. He lost that right when he started getting his ego boosted by his work colleague.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 20/08/2023 12:15

I agree if it will ever work in future he needs help

Right now you've got to act as if it isn't going to work. Financials in place, for a start.

Doyoumind · 20/08/2023 12:17

BBB23 · 20/08/2023 12:12

Thank you I do think he is genuinely depressed all his friends have noticed it. And his family but he does sometimes put on a front with them. That’s what worries me he isn’t himself at all. But this doesn’t excuse his actions, I agree if it will ever work in future he needs help

IME people who are depressed don't have the energy or inclination to go looking for relationships. And many, many people who are depressed still prioritise their family and responsibilities rather than running away from them.

Original poster
BBB23 · 20/08/2023 12:23

I don’t think he has met her, she has only been talking to him for the past 3 weeks now but he said he’s stopped talking to her to focus on himself, I obviously don’t know if that’s true . He wouldn’t have met her his been at his moms the whole time and doesn’t have a car (he used to use mine but I’ve obviously stopped him now which caused another argument but it is my car) . I don’t know what the truth is to do with her, he told me they were just talking as friends but that he might have feelings for her it’s all really weird. But she said she was just concerned about his well being and now she is going to stop messaging him

OP posts:
Blobblobblob · 20/08/2023 12:29

He's behaving like a total arse.

Find your anger.

Could you walk out on your baby like that?

Of course not. He's a turd. Flush him away.

Persipan · 20/08/2023 12:30

Him wanting to be able to leave you but still get to use your car pretty much says it all...

sonjadog · 20/08/2023 12:30

He really has no thought for you at all, does he. Talking to you about his feelings for another woman, expecting to borrow your car when he has walked out on his family… Hard to know what of going in his head, but you have a small child and yourself to take care of, and that needs to be your focus. I would let him deal with his stuff himself and get on with your own life.

Original poster
BBB23 · 20/08/2023 12:33

Oh if i say to him he’s walked out on me and the baby, he says ‘I’ve walked out on you not him if you want me to have him I will’ I said to him you shouldn’t just have him because I want you to , he should have him because he wants to

OP posts:
Original poster
BBB23 · 20/08/2023 12:33

He was never like this for the few months of my babies life either, he was an amazing dad and did everything for us both

OP posts:
Ghilli · 20/08/2023 12:38

BBB23 · 20/08/2023 12:12

Thank you I do think he is genuinely depressed all his friends have noticed it. And his family but he does sometimes put on a front with them. That’s what worries me he isn’t himself at all. But this doesn’t excuse his actions, I agree if it will ever work in future he needs help

I have had mental health problems all my life. I have struggled with depression to the point of suicide attempts. One thing I can tell you is that you have to want help. You have to want to get better. And whilst depression can be a selfish illness, it doesn't stop me loving my husband, or feeling guilty about the impact it has on him.

His answer is to run away to Mummy and chat up other women. If he thinks he's depressed then he needs to engage help and take responsibility for doing so.

I agree with @MrsDanversGlidesAgain - prioritise yourself and your son.

Doyoumind · 20/08/2023 12:38

OP I think this story about his colleague is quite possibly a cover for the real story where there's someone else entirely much closer to home. I've known of 'depressed' men previously who were actually having an affair and being affected by stress and guilt.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 20/08/2023 12:43

OP, I know your head's all over the place but please, you need to stop ruminating on why he's doing and saying all this stuff and about this woman and get practical.

Him wanting to be able to leave you but still get to use your car pretty much says it all...

Missed that. Stop that, as well. He left, he doesn't get the benefits of when he was living at home. Get mad, OP, get really angry and focussed and get them out of your head.

Dery · 20/08/2023 12:45

@BBB23 - however he was for the first few months, he’s behaving horribly now. Telling the mother of his baby that he’s left her. Find your anger, OP. You should be so much angrier than you are. Stop telling him you want him back. You’re giving him all the power. I’m guessing you got together very young and can’t imagine life without him but you need to work towards it because he’s shown himself to be completely selfish and self-serving.

bestbefore · 20/08/2023 12:52

I think he needs to see the GP. Has he? What does his mum say?
I can't believe everyone is saying dump him. I think you need to give him a chance to about what's happening to someone else. Mental health can be fragile & maybe he is having some sort of breakdown?

Original poster
BBB23 · 20/08/2023 12:52

I know I have days where I’m angry then I’m upset again. It hurts too because he always used to talk about how his dad cheated on his mom and left her when he was little and I never thought he’d do the same to me because he’s seen how much it hurt her

OP posts:
Original poster
BBB23 · 20/08/2023 12:54

He has spoken to someone about his mental health at the gp but he said his not going through it with me at the moment. His not right his mom said the same, he went and locked himself in a box room at her house and wouldn’t talk to her either. He is acting really strange not just with me but then other times he puts on a front

OP posts:
Doyoumind · 20/08/2023 12:55

bestbefore · 20/08/2023 12:52

I think he needs to see the GP. Has he? What does his mum say?
I can't believe everyone is saying dump him. I think you need to give him a chance to about what's happening to someone else. Mental health can be fragile & maybe he is having some sort of breakdown?

People aren't saying to dump him. They're pointing out he's dumped her and gone looking elsewhere. And told her she's not to move on. Fragile mental health doesn't give you the right to start talking to and about other women and to walk out on your family.