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Original poster

Why do women have affairs with men with young children

999 replies

Thegreenpotter · 19/08/2023 22:52

As the title says. Why?

Do they have no concept of the toll that having young children can take on a relationship?

How can they feel ok playing a part in breaking up a family?

This is not to suggest the blame lies with the other women, far from. Just more a curiosity as to why and how they can do so from a moral perspective.

OP posts:
Honeychickpea · 19/08/2023 23:49

TomatoSandwiches · 19/08/2023 22:57

It's a shame any woman still ties their self worth to the attentions of men.
It doesn't have to be that way.

Indeed. This applies to the wives as well.

Sparrowandball · 19/08/2023 23:50

The only woman I know who has done this was fed the classic line by him that they were separated and spun some very elaborate lies and 'proof' that there was no reason to not believe him. He was very brazen as well, came out on a night out with us (her friends) and our partners and very much acted like a couple with nothing to hide- we went out local to where he lived too! She was devastated when she found out the truth, his wife didn't believe her of course and gave her hell but she genuinely had nothing to do with as soon as she found out.

I guess: men can be good liars or because they want to and feel no obligation to his family?

truthhurts23 · 19/08/2023 23:53

99.9 % of the time , the man has this b.s story that they are separated and she wont let them see the kids

Honeychickpea · 19/08/2023 23:53

lovemycbf · 19/08/2023 23:00

Women do it because they can,and knowing they have children just makes it even worse especially if the children are teenagers and know full well what's going on .
And before anyone comments yes the men are to blame too but it just seems so much worse that a woman can willingly do this to another woman

It doesn't seem like so much worse to me. If you married an asshole you married an asshole. It's not the job of every other woman in the world to cover for your poor decision.

Spidey66 · 19/08/2023 23:55

Spywoman · 19/08/2023 22:54

You're asking the wrong question.

The right question is, why do men with young children have affairs.

Why and how can they do that from a moral perspective.

This is what I came onto say.

springwineglass · 19/08/2023 23:56

C1N1C · 19/08/2023 23:49

I love how this topic went from women knowingly going after men who are in relationships with children... to being it's the men's fault...

When we've JUST had a massive topic where 75% of women just told a married woman with kids who had an affair "don't worry about it, lie to your husband, you don't want to break up a family unit."

But that is your perception that there is a "we" when it comes to MN. Life and experiences are unique. There is no MN "way to respond or collective view" unless you go out to look for it. I think responses to OP reflet how and why situations can occur and are good to hear. They have also side-swiped the OP's unintentional suggestion that it is always the OW's "fault"

IfOnlyOurEyesSawSouls · 19/08/2023 23:57

Until i went through the utter devastation of finding out my DH was having an affair ( our DC were 7 and 5) i had never felt hate.

I now know what it feels like to hate.

I hate that woman.

She was in full knowledge my DH was married with children.

She told him i would be ok and would be eligible for a council flat.

The memory of our 5 year old vomiting for 2 days out of sheer distress will never leave me.

marmaladeandpeanutbutter · 19/08/2023 23:58

@Xiaoxiong that's an interesting perspective. It seems probable.

Honeychickpea · 20/08/2023 00:01

Thegreenpotter · 19/08/2023 23:11

Really interesting reading the replies.

i absolutely agree the man is 100% at fault. Just more curious why a women would even go there if she actually knew he was a man in a relationship with a young family. what could possibly be attractive about a man who cheats, lies and is willing to not think of his children and wife.

it’s something I could morally never do but perhaps because I am a mother?

I suppose she sees the same things that attracted his wife.

Honeychickpea · 20/08/2023 00:04

Bouledeneige · 19/08/2023 23:17

Put it this way, I've always sent married men away with their tail between their legs when they've propositioned me. Really it's not hard - if you have principles. I've heard the sob stories 'you don't know how hard it is to be in a loveless marriage' etc and I've been clear 'you don't know the heartbreak you will bring to your wife and your children'. How hard is that?

Should it really be your job to do that?

Anotherparkingthread · 20/08/2023 00:06

Why is the other woman always some temptress who has evil motives outside of sex but the same would never be said for the other man? If a woman with children was to have an affair nobody woukd be saying 'why did he do this, knowing it would destroy a family.' Because society has no expectation of him and we understand that a man may just want sex and without giving any thought to anybody else. Women can be just the same. Maybe the other woman just wants sex and doesn't see the wife and children as anybody she owns anything to.

Original poster
Thegreenpotter · 20/08/2023 00:11

@Honeychickpea but assuming the wife did not have the knowledge of this man being a cheater and a liar when she married him. The other women is quite often aware of this fact during an affair. So what draws these particularly women to overlook this. Especially those that go on to form a relationship, if the man leaves his wife.

I can not understand the logic. Seems a terrible foundation to start a relationship on.

The reply’s of having low self esteem or the simple thrill of feeling “chosen” over the wife seem to make the greatest logical sense to me.

I think if you are not the sort of person to be unfaithful because it goes against your moral compass, it’s really hard to make sense of any reasoning.

OP posts:
Truemilk · 20/08/2023 00:14

Thegreenpotter · 20/08/2023 00:11

@Honeychickpea but assuming the wife did not have the knowledge of this man being a cheater and a liar when she married him. The other women is quite often aware of this fact during an affair. So what draws these particularly women to overlook this. Especially those that go on to form a relationship, if the man leaves his wife.

I can not understand the logic. Seems a terrible foundation to start a relationship on.

The reply’s of having low self esteem or the simple thrill of feeling “chosen” over the wife seem to make the greatest logical sense to me.

I think if you are not the sort of person to be unfaithful because it goes against your moral compass, it’s really hard to make sense of any reasoning.

Because they believe they are more important/special etc and that he would never cheat on her if he left his wife to be with her

Delusional and naive

PyongyangKipperbang · 20/08/2023 00:15

I had a friend that I have posted about before on this subject.....got to be 25 years ago now, and she was infamous for only being interested in attached men. She would meet them and go absolutely all out to "win" them, and when they had left their partners/DW/GF to be with her she would dump them within a couple of months. I think for her it was that she wanted the flattery, the excitement and the fun but none of the boring day to day stuff. The ones with kids got dumped almost as soon as they left the wife.

She lost a lot of friends on the last one I knew about. He left his wife and kids and she persuaded him to move to Aus with her. He left his kids behind and off they went! A month later she was back but as he had signed a two year contract with his UK firm to move out there, he was stuck. She didnt care one jot.

Last I heard (15 ish years ago) she was settled with a couple of kids, so who knows what changed, or if she really has changed. Dont know what she is up to now.

Honeychickpea · 20/08/2023 00:18

Truemilk · 20/08/2023 00:14

Because they believe they are more important/special etc and that he would never cheat on her if he left his wife to be with her

Delusional and naive

Show quote history

Both the side chick and the wife, it seems.

Original poster
Thegreenpotter · 20/08/2023 00:19

If a women only wants sex then why not pick one of the millions of other men on the planet without kids. There are not a shortage of willing men.

I am particularly fascinated by the women that actively carry on this kind of relationship after the affair is found out. Why would you want to be with a cheater and a liar. A man that could so easily walk out on his children with barely a thought for the colossal consequences and impact it will have upon their lives. It’s so deeply unattractive.

But as I mentioned previously, perhaps it’s women who are immature or without kids and do not realise the consequences.

OP posts:
C1N1C · 20/08/2023 00:23

springwineglass · 19/08/2023 23:56

But that is your perception that there is a "we" when it comes to MN. Life and experiences are unique. There is no MN "way to respond or collective view" unless you go out to look for it. I think responses to OP reflet how and why situations can occur and are good to hear. They have also side-swiped the OP's unintentional suggestion that it is always the OW's "fault"

Show quote history

It's called a double standard, not 'unique life experiences'.

In this post, men are being vilified for being married, having kids and then getting it elsewhere. In the other post, the EXACT SAME situation happened, a married woman with kids had a one night stand, and she was told my the majority to live with the guilt and move on and to lie to her husband.

Basically the gender-neutral solution would therefore be:

"Cheating while you're married with kids is fine as long as you keep quiet about it, because wrecking a family will cause unnecessary heartache for the kids." This has just been condoned by MN!

Surely that's what the (hypothetical?) man on this post tried to do, no? Married, with kids, tried to hide it, but got caught. That is the thing 75% of all the women JUST NOW said was absolutely fine as long as he feels guilty about it. As I suggested to one poster, could it be that men are actually not 'as' scummy as women like to make them out to be, they're just worse liars and just get caught more?...

Solonge · 20/08/2023 00:24

Whatsthepoint1234 · 19/08/2023 22:55

I echo pp, affairs are mutual, the man isn’t just dragged in.

I think we all know that. I think OP is asking why women dont consider the wife and kids when the enter into an affair. Of course the husband is at least 50% to blame but I also find it unbelievable that women can crap on other women. We talk a lot about women supporting women and the ‘sisterhood’ but it seems to mean nothing to some women.

Brownhairstraight · 20/08/2023 00:28

I had some friends who got together with married men and they (the women) were terrified of commitment, and even of intense relationships. They loved unavailable men. They said otherwise, but their behaviour over years was clear. One fell in love with a gay guy as well.

WhaleSharkBootySweat · 20/08/2023 00:28

I think some young, childless women have a very different viewpoint on how relationships change after children. A close friend of mine said 'he wasn't happy in the relationship, him leaving was the best thing to do' about our pos friend who left the mother of his eight month old when she had PND and was on mat leave. Some don't get that yes you absolutely can leave if you're unhappy when you're not a parent, but by agreeing to bringing a child into the world with someone you'd damn well better stick by them, apart from if there's violence or abuse

NewName122 · 20/08/2023 00:30

They get lied to. The man gives them a sob story. The blame is all on the lieing person cheating on their spouse. The single, lied to person isn't to blame. I was seeing a guy with kids and a partner. I had absolutely no f-ing clue he had any kids. He never mentioned them. He said him and the gf were separated. Found out when she did a fb post and tagged him concerning them having their 3rd child. Was so shocked by this I messaged her and told her and she didn't believe me and made my life hell. Why did he cheat... because his life was boring and he wanted love and excitement apparently. She's still with him though and I bet he's still cheating.

justread · 20/08/2023 00:33

Sometimes they just don't care. The wife and kids are of no interest to them.

MissTrip82 · 20/08/2023 00:36

Homeww nailed it.

They’re at a stage of development where they think they’re in competition with other women and that a man appearing to choose them means they win. Their ego outweighs their empathy.

Quantumphysicality · 20/08/2023 00:41

Spywoman · 19/08/2023 22:54

You're asking the wrong question.

The right question is, why do men with young children have affairs.

Why and how can they do that from a moral perspective.

Yep. Stop looking to blame the woman. The cheater has the moral obligation to the kids.

Mansplained · 20/08/2023 00:47

@C1N1C
There are several practical reasons why men are more likely to get caught than their partners when being unfaithful:

  1. More women than men load washing machines, so lipstick on a collar is easier for women to hide
  2. Sudden gym membership and a desperate desire to lose half a stone for a lover is easier to spot than someone who tries out numerous different diets in a year or takes up park running to keep a friend company.
  3. Other than 'lucky' pants, men tend not to have baggy dad boxers AND designer briefs. Women often have a wide range of underwear for different occasions.
  4. For many men, 'listening' is waiting for an opportunity to speak, women are better at hearing what is being said and noticing how it is being said (last month he was waxing lyrically about Jane who is doing an excellent job, now he hasn't mentioned her for a month).

I have no evidence, but I would expect men to give clues to infidelity 80% of the time, a woman having an affair with a man might give herself away 30% of the time, a woman having an affair with another woman would have to be incredibly careless to get caught.