Dating reluctant men

[Bluemaid3]

Could someone explain to me why men are behaving so weirdly when dating through apps?

I've been on an app for a few months, and I've got 500+ likes, but it's really difficult to get a date and actually meet in real life! I've had everything, from the one who texts me with kisses every morning and night, but is too afraid to meet (going on 3 months now), to the one who agreed a date and then disappeared from the app without explanation, to the one who cancelled the date and unmatched because we didn't agree on where to meet early enough (?), to one who was very promising, we had 3 classic dates which went well, but he only dared to kiss me on the third and since then we have texted sweet things, but he never suggests a date and is always too busy when I ask about it, so now we haven't seen for over a month... The only one who actually dated 'normally' and was keen to see me, seemed to be mainly in it for sex, and possibly money, since he was always broke and started asking me to pay for things (and I'm not well-paid!). But I haven’t even heard back from him since I got back from holiday... Now I have a new match who also seems not to be that interested, didn't even ask me how I was last time, let alone asking me out!

Why do they seem so uninterested to actually see me? I'm in my early 40s, healthy, nice-looking, normal weight/slim, fairly active, sex positive, quite intelligent, well-educated, have my own interests, only one teenage child part-time, and I own my own flat. I'm not fussed about their age, so anything up to 60 is fine by me. I would have thought I was quite a catch but apparently not?

They’re all dreadful what can I say 😂🤯

It'd be great to hear from some of the men. I think maybe it's a mixture of people being generally quite flaky these days and a sense, from the apps, that there's a infinite cookie jar to pick from so why just take the first one you're offered.

while women click like when we actually like the person and see some potential, many men just click like for all women and see later. Hence the hundreds of likes.
The ones always too busy are not that interested and actually pursuing other women, but want to keep you hanging around, just in case it doesn't work out with others/booty call purposes.
Seem to be only interested in sex? He is.

They're probably married.

This. The disappearing ones I think definitely are.

The kissy message but no meet up ones are married but looking for an ego boost, as are the disappearing ones or have been caught by the wife!

The ones just after sex and money are just after sex and money!

Then there is the kid in a sweetshop mentality.

Some of these men live on these apps. They have no real intention to get off them.

@SophiaElise Yes, they can become addicted.

This sadly is OLD for many

and why Ive stayed in an often stressful situation-ship for so long (good safe sex)

i do think there are decent men out there tbh
I’ve met many

maybe not romantic partner suitable but still nice

but even if they are decent they might be emotionally unavailable for a variety of reasons

all you can do is pause the apps regularly
live real life
and maybe 1/1000 you might click with

but the main thing Is to regularly pause , they are addictive but I do think too many hours spent is risky as it’s messes with your MH if not careful

I’m pretty, healthy and financially independent in my late 40’s and made sure I used some flattering pics, yours was a very similar experience to mine. I got the impression men were on tinder just to be “liked” and get a little ego boost, nothing more. I also think that men’s behaviour tends to be much worse when hiding behind the screen than on real life or meeting through your social circle. I lost patience after 6 months so I quit. Don’t miss it one bit.

It's just all so disappointing, and a waste of time! Why swipe right if you're not interested?
I thought the assumption was that everybody on these apps was single, unless you explicitly say you're doing ENM or polyamory etc. And all these guys have said they are looking for a relationship, not anything casual, but if they can't even commit to a date, how would they ever manage a relationship?

Because they are less invested, it's a catalogue of women, instant gratification from porn, O/F cam girls and 'swipes, matches and likes' give them the ego boost needed. Taking it into real life is more work. They weren't serious enough or available to actually date properly but wanted the attention, ego stroke and fun of it. It's like a hobby for some or a swipe game of who's hot and who's not, who fancies me and what sort of people can I pull.
Apps and online dating give the false impression of an endless stream of matches, it becomes sort of FOMO to just pick one and the ones who are serious are either off the market soon or jaded or pick wrong, go for looks and overlook red flags ...

In most of the scenarios you described, I would bet the men are married.

It's just a game for most men, to boost their egos. Many are in stale, tired relationships but too week to take the plunge and seperate.
l stay well away from OLD, it's a total waste of time and money.

OP. My guess is that because of the relative ease of availability / very low bar / cheap cost / lack of effort required to be on any dating app, then millions of people (male and female) just regard them as a kind of occasional ego stroke exercise of chatting to someone they might be attracted to but in reality do not want to make the space/effort to get to know anyone.

Try a different app? Hinge and Bumble are good for dates. Pay for Match or similar if you want to find serious men.

I have had a great experience on the apps and met lots of great men. I'm not sure why my experience seems to be so different from the majority on MN. I'm middle aged, overweight etc so it's not that. Maybe it's just good luck.

I have found with OLD that the huge majority of men on there are looking for hookups. The ones who are looking for relationships always seem to have mental issues/ are abusive or extremely eccentric or have such low confidence / low self esteem to the point they literally drain your energy over the internet by playing the ‘poor me’ victim card because women on OLD do not appear to be interested in them. Then there are those who are married and in relationships who use OLD as an extra marital brothel! The 0.05% of guys who are actually decent are an extremely rare breed on OLD, to the point they are all either already taken or just find other ways of meeting women offline.

I admit I swipe left on 99% of men just because most give away their overall personality in their pictures and bios - usually with the topless gym pics or holding a fish or pulling silly faces! Those with bios where they haven’t bothered to even write a bit about themselves or fill out their profiles properly means they aren’t really that serious about dating anyways

Many of the men on the apps are either inadequate in some huge way (hence not attached) or they are actually attached and looking for casual sex/ an ego boost as PPs have said. It's totally a numbers game, the minority of men on the apps are well adjusted, lovelu, and legitimately single and you will find some if you keep going. There's just a lot of waste to wade through before you find them, sorry.

I'm amazed you found so many men you actually wanted to date. Whenever I've been on them there's rarely anyone I remotely fancy and the few dates I did go on they were a different version of their pics in real life. Always something about the mouth.
A good friend of mine who met her husband on Bumble said it's a numbers game - you have to keep plugging away if you want success.

You'll likely find most are looking for something casual and then those who are already married or in a relationship. Probably are genuine ones but dunno from what I have heard and expect is it's rarer, dunno. OLD has made it easier I think for the not so great ones.

I'm thinking down the line of trying it again but it's been a long time. I would be looking for something worthwhile but maybe that's just me but I have no idea what the the guy side of things is like in terms of OLD. I'd imagine it's not as bad...who knows guess find out lol.

The reports about online dating really put me off.
I did wonder at one point whether there is some kind of halfway house where there is a real life person middle man who vets people before they are actually allowed on an online dating platform just to try to give people some assurance that people on there are genuine. From my (cursory) search such a thing does not exist and if you want the actual assistance of someone to ensure there are no chancers /scammers swimming in the pool you are looking in, you are looking at very expensive£££ old fashioned match making agents.

Surely just use an app where you have to pay? That's going to cut out most of the guys who aren't really looking seriously.

This was on Bumble. It's true 99% of them you have to swipe left for some reason or other, but there were a few who seemed promising, until they revealed themselves to be just like the others.

I sometimes wonder.
Before online dating was a thing,there were also lots of men (probably a very high percentage to be honest) who were also half hearted, could not be arsed,very highly sexed and basically just want sex or cannot be bothered, through to downright nasty. Its just that without the internet, you met them in person and got a gut instinct that they were like that and did not continue to engage.
Now all of those many many men are on online dating. Especially the cheap/free type. Or you get the same types of men who have money are on online dating but paying for the kick they get out of swiping through women and imagining having sex with them (and nothing else).

I literally think in most cases online dating has simply organised all the creeps and weirdos into one neat place - namely whatever online dating platform you are looking at. It sounds cynical but actually it is not.