Dating reluctant men

[Bluemaid3]

Could someone explain to me why men are behaving so weirdly when dating through apps?

I've been on an app for a few months, and I've got 500+ likes, but it's really difficult to get a date and actually meet in real life! I've had everything, from the one who texts me with kisses every morning and night, but is too afraid to meet (going on 3 months now), to the one who agreed a date and then disappeared from the app without explanation, to the one who cancelled the date and unmatched because we didn't agree on where to meet early enough (?), to one who was very promising, we had 3 classic dates which went well, but he only dared to kiss me on the third and since then we have texted sweet things, but he never suggests a date and is always too busy when I ask about it, so now we haven't seen for over a month... The only one who actually dated 'normally' and was keen to see me, seemed to be mainly in it for sex, and possibly money, since he was always broke and started asking me to pay for things (and I'm not well-paid!). But I haven’t even heard back from him since I got back from holiday... Now I have a new match who also seems not to be that interested, didn't even ask me how I was last time, let alone asking me out!

Why do they seem so uninterested to actually see me? I'm in my early 40s, healthy, nice-looking, normal weight/slim, fairly active, sex positive, quite intelligent, well-educated, have my own interests, only one teenage child part-time, and I own my own flat. I'm not fussed about their age, so anything up to 60 is fine by me. I would have thought I was quite a catch but apparently not?

This is all also true the other way around aswell unfortunately.
Zero replies, half arsed replies or even replies to messages clearly sent in another conversation 

The first thing I thought was that you are completely out of their league and they don't want to meet you because then it will be really apparent.

@millymog11 I literally think in most cases online dating has simply organised all the creeps and weirdos into one neat place.

🤣😂🤣 This, plus add the married and partnered to the list, those living in another country, or just on holidays “passing by”, the social anxiety sufferers, the ones living in a boat (I’ve had a couple), those that can’t afford to go on a date, the kind workaholics that bread crumb you, the wanna be pen pals etc… etc

I can’t for the life of god…deal with the spam. I’m sure guys deal with female time wasters too but this is my own experience.

@Sandra1984 On a boat? I don't think I could even do it if I lived on a boat, surely that would put most off...

I'd imagine there is those for guys, just whether it's as bad for us as it is for you...I doubt.

beastlyslumber

it’s good to get a positive view

I’ve also managed to meet a few nice guys
I don’t think I’ve had it quite as pleasant as you have ! As I’m an anxious attachment type

but in terms of chatting , meeting different people I’ve had some positive experiences

and some good sex too

Yeah, "boat guy" told me he was mooring for a few days close to me and if I wanted to go on a date but I had to treat him for coffee as he was on a tight budget. Such a catch, I can't believe I let go that opportunity.🙄

Oh, you could have been living the life of Riley right now, floating around all over and eating beans from a tin up on deck!

I'm sure that's appealing for some but it doesn't float my boat 😂

the one who texts me with kisses every morning and night

This type might be a bit lonely, but doesn't actually want a real life flesh & blood person. Other than having the validation of knowing you are a real woman, they might be fine with an A.I girlfriend programme.

Other than that, could be a few things. Fear of rejection, maybe they have a small penis and just can't handle someone else having an issue with it, maybe they have a health problem they'd rather not disclose which they might have to reveal to you if meeting in person.

Maybe online kisses will be all that you get from those who aren't in fact single. They just want some thrills.

And then there are those who are stringing you along, bookmarking you in case they hit a dry patch in their sex lives at which point they will finally increase contact with you. It's the equivalent of them putting several fishing rods out at the same time.

I'm not fussed about their age, so anything up to 60 is fine by me
That age gap might be just about ok now, but imagine it in 10 years' time. You might age well, but they might age really badly and that could put a real strain on you.

If women such as yourself stopped dating men almost 20 years older than themselves, we might actually get someone as women. Older men might actually stop behaving like opportunistic, entitled Lotharios that think they can pull much younger women.

I met a Spanish guy not online but after that one occasion he then wouldn't meet, just sent pointless messages every day and loads of kisses. When we arranged a date because I was sick of the messages getting nowhere he didn't turn up and then ghosted me, then the following year I got a Text wishing me a Merry Christmas. This year he wished me a happy birthday out of the blue. He's not in Spain by the way he's in Rotherham so he's not got distance as an excuse.

Ha. On another thread I'm being lectured about how my thinking a man should at least offer to pay for your coffee on a first date means that I don't believe in equal pay for women...

So if you're really a feminist you ought to date this loser. I guess?

I consider myself a feminist too and I have no problem treating a guy for coffee, I'm more inclined to split costs 50-50 (which is a very European thing to do) on a date, the problem in this particular case is that this guy is skint to the point he can't afford a coffee and that's not a very attractive quality in a potential partner.

Isn't that like...normal, though? Not the boat, the coffee... I've always paid on first date. Not out of like, I'm a man I just thought that was the done thing...feel weird not to?

Man here - and annoyingly I’ve found the same with women so I can’t be much help!
Either going ‘cold’ after a few chats, never wanting to commit to a set date or endless excuses and last minute cancellations.

I gave up on online dating, and met my wife face to face.
Daunting, but sticking my neck out paid off!

I don't expect a man to pay for my coffee on a date but if he does it I see it as a kind gesture, I like kindness in a guy so that would earn him some cookie points for sure.

That’s probably not it - ‘leagues’ aren’t really a thing, especially in online dating.
If you’re focused on looks, you’re probably going to end up with a pretty idiot and a divorce.

Even if he had a boat? 😛

Yeah, like fair enough or if wanted to buy own but wouldn't mind doing it. Don't think I could ask for mine to be paid for though that wouldn't look good

I think it's normal for a man to at least offer to pay. I will counter offer and if he agrees to go halves that's
also acceptable to me (but in my experience when a man wants to see you again he won't automatically accept that offer. And I wouldn’t go on a second date with a man if I thought he was tightfisted.)

Yeah, that sounds reasonable.

I promise it's not you it's them

Please follow lalalaletmeexplain on insta /her book/ podcast

OP, part of the problem is that you're tolerating this behaviour. Why are you still texting with the guy who won't ask you out? You just say, hey are we actually going on a date then? And if he say anything other than yes, and makes arrangements, then you block and move on.

Same with the guy who is asking you for money. The second that started you need to cut him out. Why are you waiting to hear back from him?

You need to raise your standards and stop accepting behaviour you don't want.

I promise you that if you approach dating with the mindset that YOU are the prize, and you cut off anyone who doesn't treat you how you want from the beginning, you will attract better guys and have a better time.

I promise it's not you it's them

It is her because she's allowing it to happen.

OP, some people are dicks. What can I say 🤷🏻‍♀️

This is largely a 'you' problem though.

Set yourself something boundaries - 2 weeks chat max and arrange to meet. If they can't do that - stop engaging.

If they fob you off with excuses - too shy, too busy, too many commitments - they shouldn't be on a dating app in the first place. If they don't have time for a half hour coffee, how are they going to manage a relationship?

Other posters are right - it's often that they are married, or not who they say they are, or they're keeping you on the back burner in case something better doesn't come along. Don't waste your time on them.

I can't believe that you're still chatting to one after 3 months and another a month after a few dates and nothing else.

I promise you that if you approach dating with the mindset that YOU are the prize, and you cut off anyone who doesn't treat you how you want from the beginning, you will attract better guys and have a better time.

Agree. It obviously won't make any difference to the men you attract on there because they have no idea who you're accepting/rejecting but you'll certainly waste less time talking to men who have no interest in anything beyond the occasional chatty message and morning kisses 🤮 so you'll definitely have a much better time than you are entertaining the dregs everyone else has already rejected (or the ones deciding whether you're worth their time).

As for your appearance/what you have to offer, don't see yourself as being held up for judgement by all the men of online dating; waiting to be picked and deemed worthy. Decide yourself what treatment you deserve.

This is why it is you and not them. The flakey wastes of space are like that with everyone.

So I'm not saying it's a you problem to criticise you but to show you that you have it within your power to change it.

Also, get out and meet men in real life. Online dating is shit! 😉

She's been on tele with Katie Piper this morning.

I had a great experience and still with someone I met online over 3 years ago. Prior to him I met at least 5 men who were really lovely people just not quite right for me long term.
I agree with firm boundaries, I only went for people who had a good bio and normal pics, chatted briefly to establish shared values, sense of humour and met within 2 weeks for a coffee or deleted.
Once met had 3-4 normal daytime dates (walk, coffee etc) before considering a meal or night out drinking. Ensured everything was equal in terms of paying and binned anyone who mentioned a crazy ex or seemed disrespectful of women.
There are good men who want to settle down just as there are good women but you have to be picky and not ignore any red flags.
Good luck if you continue but as others have said take breaks from it or it becomes too much.

This with bells on! The endless choice that the internet has given has pretty much fucked up dating.